


angel - kylo ren x reader (modern AU)

by indiecisivepsych



Category: Adam Driver - Fandom, Kylo Ren - Fandom, Kylo Ren AU - Fandom
Genre: Adam Driver - Freeform, Age Difference, Alcohol Abuse, Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Consensual Sex, Dominant Kylo Ren, Drinking, Eventual Smut, F/M, Family Feels, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Forced Drinking, Happy Ending, Kylo Ren - Freeform, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren is a punk bitch, Loss of Virginity, NYC, Naked Female Clothed Male, Older Man/Younger Woman, Oral Sex, Plz don’t make fun of me tags are hard, Resolved Sexual Tension, Riding, Semi-Public Almost Sex, Sensory Deprivation, Sex From Behind, Sex Work, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Smut, Spanking, Teasing, Virgin Reader, Virginity, Vomiting, We go to texas so giddyup, a little bit of a breeding kink sprinkled in because i just can't help it, a lot of reading books, family trauma, forced proximity trope, kylo ren is rich, kylo ren is sassy, kylo ren is whipped?, laughing during sex because it makes my heart melt, pressured drinking, sex on camera, so fluffy i could die, they are so bad at communicating i want to scream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:28:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 165,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27986976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indiecisivepsych/pseuds/indiecisivepsych
Summary: Kylo Ren is an asshole. He also just bought your virginity for the month. Thirty days is a long time to spend with an absolutely difficult, stubborn, and annoying human being.this is a 'reader insert' but i do not use 'y/n'.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 194
Kudos: 443





	1. angel.

**(a/n: not sure if BestBuy is only in the States but if you don't know what BestBuy is, it's just a big ass electronic store with hella TVs, games, laptops, and shit like that)**

"I can't find that fucking TV, Nicky. Ugghhh I'm going to scream," you groaned, holding your phone up to your ear as you marched around BestBuy.

" _I'm sure it's somewhere_ ," Nicky replied softly, " _Really, you don't have to get it for me_ ,"

You rolled your eyes and scanned the TV section again, "Well, I am. You need a good one. How are you feeling?"

" _Fine_ ,"

"Liar,"

Nicky sighed, " _I'm fine_ ,"

"You're still a liar. But--" you spotted a worker, "--ah shit Nicky, I gotta go. I'll call you tomorrow. I love you,"

" _Love you_ ,"

You hung up the phone and practically ran to the employee nearby.

"Hi! Hello! Hi! Okay, so I really need this TV and I can't find it and there's a deal on it that's only in-store and I realllyyyyy need it. Can you help?" you asked, giving him big eyes and a slight pout on your bottom lip as you showed him a photo on your phone of the TV.

The employee smiled and happily walked you over to where it was. You ran by this thing about four times and never noticed it.

"Oh, haha. It's been here the whole time! Okay, I need it. Can you help me get it?" you grinned, slightly brushing your shoulder against his arm.

"S-Sure," he blushed.

"Grea—"

"Is this the last of them?" A voice from behind started, "I'd like it,"

When you turned around, a tall man towered over you and the employee. He was gorgeous. To be honest, you'd never seen a man who looked like him before. His big, hazel eyes were memorable. His tall and wide frame was powerful. His pouty lips were so...suckable, probably. Thick, black hair that you knew was soft if you ran your fingers through it. He was tall, dark, and handsome and you'd never seen a man fit the description so well.

But he was trying to take your TV.

"Oh, no, haha. I've claimed this one," you laughed, "Whoops. Is there another one in the back—" you looked at the employee's name tag, "—Uh, Lars?"

Lars was tall, but this stranger was taller...and intimidating. Lars nervously spoke as he looked up at the stranger, "L-Lemme check," and walked away.

"I really hope there's another in the back for you!" you smiled at the stranger, letting him know you claimed this one.

He smirked and looked you up and down, "I hope there's one in the back for _you_ ,"

You made a face, "Um, I was here first,"

"So you play by childish rules," he said blankly.

"I'm not sure what you mean but that TV is mine. Lars is getting it for me. He's simply _checking_ for yours," you said, looking at your phone. You were trying to get this dude to stop talking to you.

"We'll see," he muttered.

You rolled your eyes and peeked at his watch. It looked no less than $8,000.

"Wait, you can buy like forty of those TVs with that fucking watch alone. Just get the nicer one over there!" you pointed at a nearby, expensive ass TV. You were breathing fast now, your heart racing because of how annoyed you were.

The stranger chuckled, "I can tell you don't get worked up, often,"

"I just don't get worked up about things that don't matter. _This_ does. I _need_ that TV,"

"Maybe I should take _more_ things you 'need'," he smiled and looked you up and down, "You're pretty when you're flustered,"

His words made you freeze. Your lips parted in slight shock and you found yourself angry, but you also loved it. If you were in any other situation, this stranger would have your phone number by now and you'd be practically climbing him like a tree.

But he was trying to take your TV, you kept having to remind yourself.

"Ew, I think that's sexual harassment, technically," you muttered.

"It's not if you like it,"

Fuck. You did kind of like this playful, angry, back-and-forth banter. You just didn't want him to know you did.

He continued again, amused at your shocked face, "Here, why don't I get the TV and you come back to my place to watch it? That way everyone's happy,"

You pressed your lips together, nearly _considering_ it until you realized how idiotic you were being, "N-No. This TV isn't for me. It's for someone else," you started, "—and I'm gonna have to give you a hard pass on that," You looked back at your phone, ending the conversation.

As you stood there waiting, you felt the stranger's eyes on you, looking you up and down, assessing your body as if he were trying to never forget it, letting it burn in his mind. You knew your cheeks were heating, so you stayed looking at your phone like you had no clue.

After a minute, Lars came back and looked disappointed. You couldn't help but smile, knowing he was about to tell this fucker that he didn't have a precious TV for him.

"This is the only one," Lars announced nervously.

"I'll take it," you and the stranger said at the same time.

You looked at him, eyebrows raised, and laughed, "Dream on, man. I was literally here first,"

He ignored you and pulled out his wallet, staring at Lars, "How much?"

Lars looked at you, then back at the stranger, "W-What do y—the TV is—"

"No, no. How much _for_ _you_?"

Your jaw dropped, "Hey, you can't bribe him!"

The stranger glanced over at you, smirking again, and looked back at Lars.

"Um, two hundred," Lars said softly.

"Are you joking?!?" you practically yelled in the store, "I _need_ that TV! I came _specifically_ for the deal that's only in-store! I really need that TV!"

The stranger gave you a pouty face, mocking you.

"Lars! I thought we were tight!" you exclaimed at the worker.

"...I just met you,"

"Lars, you suck," you turned to the stranger now, " _You_. You're an ass. Fuck y'all,"

You turned around on your heel and started to walk away until you tripped on your own feet. The next thing you knew, the stranger's big arms were steadying you back up, catching you before you completely fell.

"Careful there, hot head," he said softly, his big eyes looking into yours with concern.

He looked so handsome and you couldn't help but feel little butterflies in your stomach as his arms held you, holding you up. Even though it was cold out and you were wearing a sweater, you could practically feel his palms burning through the wool, trying to find your bare skin.

It took a moment for you to snap out of whatever spell this stranger seemed to put on you. You had to remind yourself that he took your claimed TV, seemingly on purpose...to fuck with you almost. Like a sociopath.

You shook yourself out of his grip and left the store.

You really needed that fucking TV.

** ONE WEEK LATER **

\--

**Kelstra**

iMessage

6:40PM - hi

6:52PM - are you sure you have to leave

7:01PM - plz don't

7:17PM - Finn and I are going out tonight. I'm at his place right now. do you still have time to ditch? I know you need to see Nicky but you saw him last week...

7:22PM - why do you have to be gone for sooooooo longgggggggg

hi - 7:49PM

no, i can't. i've already left but you guys have fun! get wasted for me, ok? sorry i'm leaving on such short notice but you know i have to see nicky. - 7:50PM

love u have fun be safe. i'll see u in like a month. - 7:50PM

\--

You were lying. You weren't leaving town. You weren't going to see Nicky. You were doing something that made you _wish_ you were skipping town. You really hated to lie, especially to Kelstra, your roommate and best friend, but you had to. Kelstra was somewhat of a protective friend and would have never let you be in this situation in the first place...that's why you chose to lie.

Light snow fell from the sky and onto the dark, wet streets. The pavement glistened with reflections of traffic lights and every fifteen seconds, a car would pass by, making the pools of water on the road ripple in their wake under the tire.

You knew a car came every fifteen seconds because you were counting meticulously.

You sat on the stairs outside of your home in Brooklyn, waiting. You were nervous for your ride to pick you up. You couldn't bear to wait inside and you hoped that waiting out in the freezing cold would calm your nerves.

It didn't.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5

Your stomach twisted with anxiety.

_What if I'm making the wrong choice?_

6, 7, 8, 9, 10

_This is so fucking wrong._

11, 12, 13, 14, 15

Another car passed by, so you started counting over.

When you were on the sixth second of counting, a black SUV pulled up in front of you, waiting at the curb. Your ride.

You swallowed what felt like thick bile that was rising in your throat and stood up, dusting off your dress and coat. You waited under the awning at your door, protecting you from the light snow, for the driver to roll the window down. It took a moment, but they finally did.

"Angel?" a big, scary-looking man called out from the driver's seat. He was bald and wearing a suit, looking like a mob boss or some shit.

You scoffed in your head. What fucking ridiculous name they gave you. It wasn't your real one, obviously...but you had to be protected. Your identity had to remain concealed. What you were doing was serious fucking business.

That's why they gave you that name.

You figured they chose that one specifically because of what you were doing: selling your virginity. Virgins were supposed to be pure, innocent, naïve, _angelic_. Hence, your new name for the night, _Angel_.

This whole thing grossed you the fuck out but you really needed it. You just graduated college this past summer at New York University with a museum and heritage studies degree that was insanely hard to find work for, making paying hospital bills a bitch. You needed the fucking money.

"Hi. That's me," you waved awkwardly and smiled.

The man didn't smile back.

Well, this is going to be so fucking fun, isn't it?

The man got out of the car and opened an umbrella as he walked toward you, holding it up. He was eventually in front of you, making sure you were under the umbrella, and lead you to the car. He didn't say a fucking word the whole time you walked to the black SUV.

It made you more uncomfortable.

When you sat in the back, your mouth opened to speak, but he shut the door on you and walked to the driver's seat.

Cool.

You put on your seatbelt and twisted your hands in your lap as the man got in and started driving. Your brownstone home disappeared behind you, making you feel incredibly small. Your heart pounded in your chest for a while until you sought out a distraction that scrolling through your Instagram feed couldn't give you.

"So, um how far is the place?" you asked the big, scary man.

He took a longer than natural time to respond, but eventually gave you a short, "Thirty,"

You leaned forward in your seat and smiled, looking at his eyes in the rearview mirror, "Ha, thirty seconds? Thirty minutes? Thirty hours? Like that Kanye song?" you joked.

He didn't laugh. He didn't crack a smile. He didn't do anything.

You decided to keep your mouth shut and stop embarrassing yourself for the rest of the ride.

It turned out that 'thirty' meant thirty minutes. Half an hour later, and nearly puking three different times out of anxiety, you made it. You were in Manhattan now, at a huge hotel. The big, scary man parked in their back entrance where shipments usually came in. This shit was next level discreet as he told you to wait in the back until he came to your door, opening it for you, holding the umbrella above you, and walking you up to the hotel's back door.

As he swung the door to the hotel open, bright light hit your eyes and made you squint a bit. You'd been in the dark car for so long, the bright room in front of you seemed like you were walking into the sun. But then again, you could be a bit dramatic at times, so you tried not to look so startled at whatever was waiting for you on the other side.

Turns out...not much.

Because you came in the back, you were now by where all of the laundry and trash was in the hotel. Although, that did sum up how you felt: like human garbage. You felt dirty, unclean, like you needed a long fucking bath for what you were getting into.

You looked around as the big man led you further into the hotel a bit. You were still in the part where most of the staff did their 'behind the scenes' work, so it was nothing extravagant. He took you to an elevator and pressed the button. After a moment, the doors made a 'ding' sound and opened. You looked wide-eyed at him as he stood there.

"Um, so are we going in...?" you asked softly, not knowing what to do.

"32nd floor,"

You clenched your jaw, a little annoyed at his shortness. Whatever. You weren't here to have him be nice to you.

"Thanks," you muttered as you stepped into the elevator and pressed the button. The man spoke into a little talking device attached to his suit jacket. You barely heard him as the doors closed.

" _She's coming up_ ,"

_Christ Almighty what the fuck have I gotten myself into?_

The elevator ride up the 32nd floor felt like it took 32 years for all you knew. Each floor added a year to your life. You could practically feel the wrinkles creeping up on your forehead and under your eyes.

You were being dramatic again.

_DING_

The elevator doors slid open and revealed a pack of four grinning faces. Three women, one man. The three women all had straight, black hair. It was perfectly brushed with no fly-aways in sight. You on the other hand...good Lord. Your hair was a mess from sitting outside early, wind whipping your hair back and forth.

"Hi," you greeted shyly.

"SHE'S PERFECT!!" the man squeaked, "Wait, she/her pronouns, yes? Sorry, I'm trying to get better at asking first,"

You smiled, pleasantly surprised at the 'woke' energy, "Yes. You all?"

"Brin, me. He/Him," the man pointed at himself, "Yara, she/her. Kallie, she/her. Aaaand last but not least, Val, she/her," he introduced the others.

"Oh, nice to meet you all! I'm—"

Brin didn't let you finish, "We know who you are," he smirked, "You're the _virgin_ ,"

An uncomfortable smile swept over your face.

_Yes._

_Let's all just call me 'the virgin' from now on._

_Lovely._

_Not embarrassing at all._

Brin spoke again and reached out to take your arm, weaving it in his, "Oh sorry, _Angel's_ your name,"

"Yea, apparently. I wish I would have picked my own. I would have picked like...Satan or something," you dryly joked as he walked you down the hall, leading to a hotel room.

The three women giggled behind you and Brin slapped your shoulder playfully.

 _Ow_.

"You are _funny_ , girl! I'm sure whoever buys you will love that _mouth_ ,"

Fuck. You remembered why you were here.

"Hah, yea," you frowned.

Brin made it to a door at the end of the hall, swiped his keycard, and stepped in. The room was huge. It looked like a suite that the Kardashians might stay at. You'd never stayed at anything like this before. It looked like an apartment and had a huge living area. In the living area were an array of tables set up with makeup, hair shit, and clothes.

"Sit!" Brin ordered, "Val, get her a cocktail,"

"Oh, no I'm okay,"

"You're old enough to drink, aren't you?" he asked as he was getting makeup supplies ready.

"...yea. Well, barely. My 21st was a month ago,"

"Okay then, a cocktail," Kallie smiled.

"Really, I'm fine. I don't think I want to drink tonight,"

The four of them laughed at you. You felt so fucking out of the loop.

"What?"

"Oh, baby. You'll want to drink for this," Yara said, looking at you like you were a child.

_'You'll want to drink for this'_

Well, if this whole situation wasn't already giving you anxiety, Yara saying that sure fucking did the trick.

You swallowed, "Okay...a drink, then. Make it strong, I guess,"

It was only 8PM but it felt like it was midnight. You'd been anxiously awaiting tonight all day, pacing around your place, wondering if you should back out.

You should have.

Val gave you a drink, crown and coke, and you gulped it religiously as Brin started to do your makeup.

"Um, I already did my makeup...why do you have to apply more?" you asked curiously as he dabbed a beauty sponge across your face, spreading the foundation.

He looked at you and concealed a laugh, "Oh wow. I think I love you. You're sweet," he smiled, "You barely applied any, honey. We've got to put a little more. But it'll be a natural look, nothing crazy. You've still got to pull off the innocent look," he added.

1\. Wow, it was so embarrassing how bad at makeup you were. You really only put it on to hide your small acne scars or when you wanted to accentuate your eyelashes. You had a feeling Brin's idea of 'light makeup' would be like wearing ten pounds of product on your face.

2\. Gross. Gross. Gross. You still needed to pull off the 'innocent look'? You wanted to barf.

"Okay, just don't make me look like a fuckin' clown," you laughed.

An hour later, you looked in the mirror.

A clown.

A goddamn clown.

But a clown who needed money, no less.

Concealer hid your tiny under-eye bags, a shade of eyeshadow that was slightly darker than your skin tone rested on your eyelids, your eyebrows were brushed through with a tiny amount of product, matching the color, but weren't completely filled in. Brin wanted to give it a 'boy brow' look, something young.

A pink lip gloss sparkled across your lips and you really didn't mind this one. It was cute. The last thing you noticed were your eyelashes. They went to town on the mascara, but didn't give you fake eyelashes, thank God. You hated those. Brin made sure to put heavy mascara on your bottom lashes, making your eyes look bigger, more innocent.

No eyeliner.

Good. You hated that shit anyway.

Technically, the makeup wasn't that heavy, but it was to you. You didn't recognize the person in the mirror at all.

"So cute," Brin said, marveling at you. Val, Kallie, and Yara were standing there, too, looking at the 'masterpiece' they helped create.

"Put your tongue between your teeth and pout out your lips a bit," Kallie ordered.

You followed her directions and did it, looking at yourself in the mirror as they stood close behind you, watching.

"Yes! Just like that. Perfect. Do that when you get out there and it'll make your lips look more plump" Kallie praised you, then went on about more things you 'needed' to do, "Make sure your eyes are wide, but not too wide where you look insane. Stand up straight, but make sure to shuffle a bit, looking shy. They like that,"

_'They like that'_

Gag.

Yara piped up, "Oh, and don't forget: do not smile. Soft smiles are okay, but no teeth and no hard closed smiles. Don't show them any wrinkles. You want to look young,"

You scoffed, "Jesus, I got it: hop in a time machine and go back fifteen years to when I was six years old, then I'll be perfect for these weirdos,"

Brin looked at you somberly, "Unfortunately, yea,"

Fuck, you wanted to back out so bad.

But you were already here.

And you needed money.

"Clothes time!" Kallie grinned, breaking the sad vibes.

You were confused. You already had clothes to wear. You were wearing them right fucking now.

"Um, can't I just wear this?"

All four of them looked you up and down, assessing your dress with disgust in their eyes.

"Okay, okay! Jesus, I get it. Let's find me something else," you said, embarrassed.

Damn, you wished you could go out in sweats, but alas, you had to look hot as shit for these old ass men.

Brin made you stand in front of all of them and take off your dress, stripping. As your dress hit the floor and you kicked off your shoes, you stood there in front of them, wearing just a bra and panties. They all stared at you, mouths slightly agape, assessing every inch of your body.

"Oh wow. Your curves..." Yara whispered.

"Oh my God, someone downstairs is going to be so lucky," Val smiled.

You liked how you looked, too. You weren't self-conscious about your body at all. You gave up on being insecure. It was useless. Being insecure only hurt yourself, and why would anyone want to feel like that?

...but hearing people explicitly compliment you? _That's_ when you started to get shy for some reason. You brought your arms over your stomach and felt your feet shift nervously. A shy smile crept over your face.

"Get those hands down!" Kallie laughed, "Let's find you something cute. Oh...and get the other stuff off. We'll give you something better," she finished, walking to the rows of dresses and lingerie hanging up around the room.

They eventually found you 'suitable' undergarments to wear. You had a bright red matching bra and panty lace set that hugged your tits and hips. You really wanted to go home and take your bra off and put on some boyfriend style underwear and sleep.

"Okay, I've found the perfect dress for you!" Brin exclaimed, pulling it off of the rack. It was a typical 'little black dress'. After putting it on, you checked it out in the mirror.

Not bad.

The end of the dress went a little less than an inch past your ass, making it pretty fucking short. The straps were thick, about two inches, and it perfectly covered your bra straps. Brin and the girls didn't want you looking too raunchy, too sexy, too mature.

But they did want you to look gorgeous, which is exactly what they achieved if you did say so yourself.

"You look hot," Val muttered.

"So hot," Yara said.

" _I'd_ buy you and I'm not even into women," Brin giggled.

Kallie didn't say anything, but by her expression, you could tell she thought you looked good, too.

"Gee, thanks," you smiled, raking your hands along your now present as ever curves.

You started to feel really good about this. Well, that was until they made you step into six-inch, strappy, black heels. You fucking hated heels, especially high ones that had a skinny pump.

"Oh, Jesus. I don't know how I'm going to be able to walk in these..." you warned as you stepped carefully around the room, trying not to break your ankles.

They laughed at you again. They thought you were funny. Naïve. Innocent. Cute.

That's exactly what you were. That's exactly what everyone wanted you to be tonight. And it's exactly what you fucking hated being, especially right now. You were embarrassed at your lack of makeup skills, lack of fashion sense, lack of being able to walk in heels confidently. You were so fucking embarrassed to be here right now. You blinked back tears and swallowed any cries that might have surfaced if you kept thinking about what a freak you probably looked like.

You stood up straight and ignored their giggles. You practiced walking across the room for a few more minutes, slowly getting better. Hopefully when the time came to go downstairs and fucking present yourself like a goddamn kitten to everyone, you wouldn't look like a newborn deer trying to walk.

It was nearly 9:40PM now. You had 20 more minutes until this whole thing would start. Your stomach began to twist again.

Brin broke your gaze as you stared at the wall.

"Here's your luggage,"

Right.

They had a bag packed for you with sexy outfits, lingerie, more heels, and a makeup bag with their products inside. They basically gave you perfect instructions on being someone you're not, personality, looks, and all.

Your bag was packed and your lie to Kelstra about leaving town for a month was because whoever bought you, kept you for thirty days. So, from tonight to the end of the month, you were booked. At least by the end you'd have (hopefully) a large sum of money. You had to keep reminding yourself that this was all going to be worth it. You'd be able to pay off those bills. You couldn't afford to _not_ do this.

"You should head downstairs...you'll be on the third floor, babes," Brin said, frowning. You could tell he didn't want this for you.

_Me and you both, buddy._

"You guys aren't coming?" you asked, your voice sounding more like a whisper.

They shook their heads no.

"We're just the help. We don't attend," Yara explained.

A little 'o' formed at your mouth as you understood.

"Well...bye, I guess. Wish me luck," you awkwardly smiled as you took the Crown Royal bottle off of one tables and took a huge swig from it, then left the hotel room.

When you got to the elevators, your heart raced as you stepped inside and pressed '3'.

_I'm so fucked._


	2. poor bastard.

Brin must have called someone to tell them you were on your way down because as the elevator hit the third floor and the doors slid open, the same big dude who drove you to the hotel was standing in front of you, waiting for you. He silently grabbed your luggage and turned around, walking somewhere.

You had no choice but to follow him.

There was no one around, but you heard the buzzing of people chatting as you walked through a large lobby looking area. This floor must be used for conferences, or in your case, sex selling conferences. Large doors separated you from the dozens? hundreds? of people inside of the room. The big man walked past the doors and led you down a small hallway.

"So, are you like my bodyguard or something?" you smiled as you walked next to him. You were just trying to distract yourself from your nerves again.

"No,"

"My driver?"

"No,"

"Hmmm, my _friend_?" you nudged his arm playfully.

"No,"

Alright.

"Well, what are you?"

"Just here to see you through tonight,"

"I see," you nodded, "Well, thanks,"

He didn't say anything.

Before you knew it, you arrived in a small backstage area, the big man dropping you off to meet your next unfriendly face of the evening.

"How are you feeling?" Hux asked as you walked over to him.

You met Armitage Hux after looking up an inquiry about selling your 'virginity' a few weeks ago. After meeting with you, he decided you were perfect for the job, whatever that meant. He set up this whole gala instantly, inviting tons of people who were members of this exclusive...club? You didn't know what the fuck it was. You didn't care. You just needed money.

"Fine. Good. Um, fine and good," you stammered out.

Hux laughed at you under his breath.

The next person who laughed at you was getting strangled, you swore.

Hux moved next to you and put his hand on the small of your back, guiding you toward the back side of the stage stairs. You saw a small stream of light coming through the curtains. You knew behind those, stood hella people waiting to see you. To gawk at you. To buy you.

"Remember," Hux reminded you, "Whatever is offered out there, I get thirty percent. For your sake, try to really sell yourself so you can have more money,"

_Omg, no way?! Forreal? I had NO clue that the more money you get, the more money you HAVE! Thanks Hux!! <3 :D_

You hated when men tried to explain things to you like you were an idiot.

You played along anyway, "Oh, perfect! I can do that,"

You could be dumb for just one night...or thirty.

"Do you hear them out there? They're itching to see you," he grinned.

"Wow," was all you could say. You just wanted to get this over with.

Hux straightened his tie and exhaled, "Well, it's time. Brin should have gone over how to act out there, yes?"

"Mhm,"

"Perfect. Come out when I call you,"

You nodded at him and stayed as Hux disappeared behind the black curtain. He was speaking into a microphone at the audience now, introducing himself, talking about how great it was to have everyone together...yada yada yada.

Apparently, this was a 'service organization' that claimed to hold fundraisers for starving children throughout the United States. That was bullshit. Their weird sex club revolved around people selling virginity, amongst other things. You really weren't one to kink shame or put down sex workers, after all...you guessed you _were_ one now, but you knew what kind of people were involved in this organization. The buyers, at least, not those trying to make a buck with their bodies. These buyers were sleazy, old men and you were about to find out just how sleazy they really were.

"And for what you've all been waiting for this chilly Saturday night...she _sure_ will keep you warm! _Angel_! Come on out!" Hux announced, breaking your thoughts.

Shit.

Fuck.

You swallowed and opened the curtain, slowly walking through it. The bright spotlight hit your face, but you knew better than to make a face. Instead, you powered through it and let your eyes adjust to the light. They burned...but they adjusted, nonetheless.

You made sure to put your tongue between your teeth, open your big eyes like a doe or whatever the fuck Brin said to do, and look comfortable but not too comfortable, still showing a bit of shyness as Hux introduced you to the crowd.

Speaking of the crowd, it was gigantic. It looked like there were 200 or so people in the big room. Chandeliers hung from the ceiling, but they were dimly lit. The brightest light in the room was on you, coming from the top of the back wall.

You put your hands behind your back as Hux spoke about you, " _Angel,_ here," you winced at that fucking name that wasn't yours, "—is twenty-one years old and _look_ at this body!"

You heard little 'oo's and 'ah's from the crowd. As you looked out, you saw that they all matched your idea of who'd be there. You wanted to vomit all over their ugly, stupid, disgusting, lustful faces. They looked at you like you were a piece of meat, ready to be devoured. They looked at you like a prize. Like an object. You felt so fucking sick.

But you signed up for this.

"Let's see all around, Angel. Give us a twirl," Hux smirked.

You looked at him wildly, eliciting a laugh from the audience. He didn't tell you that you had to do a fucking spin for these people. You wanted to run out of the room and never look back.

But you also needed money.

So, you were going to do a fucking spin, goddammit.

You softly smiled and did a few little twirls, holding Hux's hand above your head as if you were dancing.

_Yea, dancing him right into his grave after I murder him later._

When you stopped twirling, the audience of men whistled and yelled praises at you.

"Angel, let's hear that sweet voice. Tell the men something they can expect if they get you," Hux said, looking out at the audience, grinning.

He didn't tell you that you had to speak. As Hux held the microphone in front of your mouth, you parted your lips slightly and thought of something on the spot, "Hi,"

The men in the audience cheered at your small 'hi'.

You continued, "Something you can expect from me is—is a new _something_ to look forward to everyday," the way you said 'something' was suggestive, but you didn't clarify because you didn't even know what the fuck you were talking about. You just had to spit something out.

Hux brought the mic back to him, "Hmmm, Angel is a mystery that I know one of you lucky men would like to _figure out_ ,"

 _Ew_.

"Shall we start the bidding?" Hux announced.

The crowd went crazy, ready to bid.

God, you didn't even think about how humiliating it'd be to stand here and watch as they bid on you. What if no one did? What then? Would you just combust and die of embarrassment? You couldn't even be embarrassed in peace. You had to fucking watch.

"Let's start off at $275,000,"

Your stomach fell to the floor.

Hux said you'd get a lot of money...but he never gave you a ballpark amount. Fuck, he never gave you a _starting_ amount. Suddenly, you started to feel a lot better about losing your virginity to one of these gross old dudes. You'd be able to pay off all of the hospital bills and pay rent on time without having to scramble for the money...and that was just if you _started_ at $275,000. You began to imagine all of the other things you could have until the bidding started and stopped your thoughts.

Someone from the back held up a card, signaling they wanted to put a bid down.

"$300,000?"

Another card went up.

"$325,000?"

Cards were flying up at the same time. The men who were bidding were all a lot older than you, between the ages of 50-70. You'd do a fifty-year-old 100% without the money but...70? Could they even handle getting fucked?

"$400,000?"

Another card.

"Alright, let's go up a bit, shall we?" Hux smiled, "$500,000?"

_Is getting a piece of this ass really worth $500,000?_

Fuck. It kept getting higher by the second. It was all going by so fast. Everyone wanted you.

"$600,000?"

Another card went up.

"$700,000,"

It seemed like a lot of people dropped off after $600,000, leaving only a few others left who were bidding on you. Your heart raced as you kept watching the crowd while Hux's price kept getting higher.

"$800,000,"

You wanted to scream. You were nearly at a million fucking dollars. For what? An inexperienced recent college grad who wanted to be a museum curator? Oh boy, this was going to be an interesting thirty days to the poor bastard who won.

Another card went up.

This time, the person holding the card was one you hadn't seen bid before. You'd seen him elsewhere. It was that fucking _stranger_. The hot guy who took your TV. He was looking right at you. You thought you could vomit right there, right then. You cocked your head slightly in confusion as you gazed at him, then furrowed your eyebrows together angrily.

 _Motherfucker_.

"$850,000?"

A card went up. It was some old guy that'd been bidding since the beginning.

"$900,000?"

The stranger's card went up again. It seemed like it was just him and the other guy now, everyone else couldn't make it to one million. Something in the stranger's eyes told you that _he_ could.

"$950,000?"

The other guy's card reluctantly went up.

"One million dollars?" Hux exclaimed a little too excitedly.

The stranger's card flashed up without hesitation.

"I'M OUT!" the other guy called out from the crowd.

The room was quiet. The bidding was done. It all happened so quickly. Did the stranger just...officially buy you for the month? For a million dollars? You?

_No no no no no._

Hux spoke again, "Any last bids?" he waited a moment, "No? Once...twice...sold! To Ren!"

_Fuck._

You stared wide-eyed at this 'Ren' dude from the stage, as he emerged from the back of the room slowly walking toward the front. He was staring back at you, never breaking your gaze as men who passed him shook his hand and tried to speak to him. He paid them no mind. He kept walking slowly, his attention on you. You suddenly felt incredibly naked, like he was undressing you with his eyes right there.

Hux cleared his throat, "Shall we?" he held out his hand for you to take.

The next couple of minutes happened really fast. You had to sign a shit ton of paperwork that you weren't even reading. You were just thinking about the stranger...Ren. You signed paper after paper, deep in thought of what he was going to do to you.

The pen shook in your hands as you signed the last paper, shoving them to Hux. Saliva had dried up in your mouth, leaving you needing water, bad.

"Is—is there like a water fountain? Nearby?" you asked, heart racing. You really needed water and to get some fucking air.

Hux looked at you amused, "The hallway you entered from has one," you started to walk away when he added, "Don't leave that hallway and go out into the open. Those men out there will eat you alive," he smirked.

"Ew," you murmured before exiting the backstage area.

You walked down the hall a bit until you had to turn a corner. It was there, that you bumped into Ren's wide chest.

_I just wanted my goddamn wat—_

"Hey, hot head," he smiled, his hands on your shoulders again.

You wanted to slap the smirk off of his face.

" _You_ ," you frowned, " _You_ bought the TV,"

He leaned his head down, toward you slightly and squinted, "I also bought _you_ ,"

"Christ on a catfish," you muttered, rolling your eyes, "This seems like _just_ your scene. You're an asshole. I hope you can get a refund because I don't want to be purchased by you," you shot at him.

"You already signed the paperwork, _Angel_ ," he said the name 'Angel' as if he knew it would taunt you...as if he knew it didn't belong to you.

Your eyes were locked in his, anger in yours, amusement in Ren's.

"Ren," Hux was now somehow here, appearing out of nowhere.

"Hux," Ren dropped his hands from your shoulders.

"Hi...again," you awkwardly greeted Hux.

Hux glanced at you, unimpressed, then back at Ren, "Kylo, good to see you. I hope you'll have good..." he looked you up and down, "...fun with this one. She's...funny,"

Was it Kylo? Or Ren? You were confused.

You were also feeling a bit judged. You went from a baddie, being hot as hell, to the laughing stock in a mere hour. Being laughed at only felt good when you were _trying_ to be funny. It didn't feel so good right now.

Kylo or Ren or whoever the fuck chuckled under his breath.

"When is she _mine_?" he asked, his dark eyes looking into your pupils. His stare made it hard to breathe.

_It's only a month._

_Then, the money is mine._

_Well, $700,000 of it, at least._

\--

The big, scary driver man took you back to your place to grab a few things before heading to Ren's. Before you were _his_ for a whole month.

Thankfully, Kelstra wasn't home. She was probably spending the night with Finn. You ran into your place and grabbed toiletries that you'd forgotten, like a true unprepared idiot. You kicked off your high heels and put on Vans, figuring it wouldn't be the end of the world for you to be comfortable. You stuffed dry shampoo, your favorite perfume, a razor, a phone charger, and a few other things in a small tote and ran back outside and into the warm SUV.

After driving for a minute or so, anxiety piled up in your brain. You decided to strike up a conversation with the scary driver.

"So what's your name?"

"Barry,"

You held back a laugh. This huge, scary, snap-you-in-half-like-a-twig man's name was Barry.

"Please tell me your last name is Benson," you grinned.

"It's not,"

He didn't get the joke.

"Have you ever seen The Bee Movie? It's um, it's about a bee and his name is Barry Bens--"

"I've seen it. Didn't like it,"

You smiled, "Whaaaaat? No way! I would have never guessed that," you said sarcastically.

Barry didn't say anything, done with the conversation. You _did_ see a small smile on his face, though. Small, but there.

"You seem nervous," he said quietly.

You bit the inside of your cheek and felt your stomach churn, "Yeah, I am,"

Barry reached into the passenger's side glove compartment as he drove and pulled out a small business card, handing it back to you, "In case you need me,"

"Oh. Thanks," you said smally, "Do you thin—"

"We're here," he interrupted you and stopped the car.

"Oh," you swallowed.

Ren lived close to you. Only a few blocks, you figured. Small world.

Barry stepped out of the car and got your things from the back. All you had was the tote you just grabbed, the luggage that Brin and the rest made you take, and yourself.

The snow stopped falling while you were at the sex gala thing, so Barry didn't need to use an umbrella as he walked you up. You held your coat close to you, shivering in the cold, ready to spend a month with Satan himself.

Barry pressed the buzzer and after a moment, a small click let you in. Barry knew where he was going and lead you to the elevator. As you waited, you asked, "Have you um, have you taken other people here or something?"

"No,"

"Oh. Well, do you know this guy? You know his apartment pretty well,"

"It's my job to know things," he said plainly, staring ahead.

You decided to change the subject, "So, um will you be picking me up in thirty days?"

"Yes,"

"Cool,"

The elevator opened and you stepped in, Barry behind you.

"Oh, you're seeing me up?" you asked, surprised he was joining you. He didn't do this earlier at the hotel with you.

Barry finally showed emotion and scoffed, "Yeah, I'm seeing you up,"

The doors closed and he pressed a button, sending you higher up into the building. The elevator suddenly felt incredibly small, like it was squeezing you. You were reminded of what you were here to do. _Who_ you were here to be with for a whole month. You took deep breaths, trying to calm yourself and you nervously started biting your nails.

"Be careful," Barry suddenly warned in the silence.

You looked up at him and put your hands at your side, "Um, what?"

He repeated himself, "Be _careful_. You seem nice,"

"Is he going to murder me or something?" you laughed.

"No, no," he assured you, "No,"

_Well damn. If he wasn't going to murder me then what the fuck was he gonna do?_

You decided to not say anything.

The elevator jolted slightly, and the doors opened. You were on Ren's floor. Barry walked with you to his door and knocked. Thirty seconds later, it opened. On the other side was Ren, his suit no longer on, but replaced with a t-shirt and joggers.

Why fuck did you have to stay in your dress when he got to wear that? You were jealous.

"Barry," Ren greeted without a smile.

"Kylo,"

The tension was thick and it was making you uncomfortable.

"Can we get this over with?" you sighed.

Ren cleared his throat and finally looked at you. He then looked down at your Vans and his eyebrows raised ever so slightly, judging them maybe?

This was going to be a long thirty days.

"Come in. Thank you, Barry. Have a good night," Ren said, taking your suitcase from him.

"Goodnight," Barry said to you, ignoring Ren, "I'll see you in thirty days,"

"Looking forward to it. Thanks...Barry _Benson_ ," you nudged his arm lightly.

You saw a hint of a smile as he walked away, toward the elevator.

Ren held the door open for you and you stepped inside, now alone with this motherfucker that bought you.


	3. good little toy.

The apartment in front of you was fucking insane. Huuuuuge living room with a huuuuggeee kitchen in full view. Floor to ceiling windows on one wall. A big ass chandelier. Your eyes were darting everywhere, taking it all in. It was gorgeous, but felt hollow, like no one really lived here. Sure, they _stayed_ here, but they didn't _live_ here. There was no _life_ here. Seemed about fitting for this guy.

You didn't realize how long you'd been staring all around, eyes huge, until Ren cleared his throat, "Follow me,"

Right.

You followed Ren across the huge living room, one that could fit your about ten of your living rooms at home in it, and walked with your luggage down a large hallway with an array of doors. The one at the very end of the hall was the one he stopped at and opened.

"This is where you'll stay," he said, setting your luggage barely in the door and taking your tote from your hands, setting it inside as well.

"I love the prison cell. It looks very home-y," you mumbled, peeking in the room.

He barely let you see fully inside until he shut the door and walked past you, heading back to the living area.

"Sit," Kylo said, pointing at the couch. He went to the kitchen, getting one glass down and pouring it with wine.

You swallowed nervously and went to sit on the couch. Your knees pressed together and your hands rested on your thighs as you watched Kylo walk over to you, his long and powerful stride intimidating. Your heart pounded in your chest.

Suddenly, you saw the TV in front of you. The same fucking TV he basically stole from you. You felt yourself get angry, your cheeks heating.

"Well, I hope you're at least putting your new TV to good use," you mumbled.

Kylo handed you a full wine glass and took a seat beside you on the couch. He wasn't close but he wasn't far. You shifted your body to face him and realized your knees wouldn't be able to touch if he turned his body, too. You wondered why he wasn't sitting close. That's why you were here, right?

"Oh, I don't really like to drink all that much. You can have it," you lied. You fucking loved to drink. You just didn't want to drink here, so vulnerable.

"I don't drink," he replied.

"Oh, well...I'll drink this one time, then," you bit your lip. There was a bit of silence until you dramatically inspected the wine in the glass and joked, "Don't tell me you poisoned this,"

He cocked an eyebrow, "I don't think _I'll_ be the one poisoning _you_ ,"

"I think you're right," you smiled and sipped.

You didn't really like fancy, red wine all that much but you liked his wine, you realized, when you tasted it. It was expensive and exclusive, making you forget about the empty bottles of cheap rosé that lined the tops of your cabinets like trophies at home.

"What's your name? Like is it Kylo? Or Ren? I've heard both," you asked in the quiet.

"You can call me Kylo,"

A beat of silence.

"Yours?"

"Um, Angel," the name sounded so wrong coming out of your lips. It wasn't you. Angel was who they needed you to be. You hated it.

"That's not your name," he said matter-of-factly, as if he knew it didn't fit you, as if he could see through you.

You bit your lip again, "No, it's not,"

"So, your real name then?"

"Oh, you want to know my _real_ name?" you asked, a hint of surprise in your tone.

_Of course he wants to know my real name, fucking idiot. He just said that._

"Yes," he replied, his 'Y's dragged out as if it was the dumbest question he's ever heard.

You quickly told him your first name and looked down at your wine glass, bringing it up to your lips, sipping the alcohol.

Kylo repeated your name back to you softly, as if he were trying to tie it to you, fitting it into the puzzle of you he'd created in his mind of who you were, your name being the final piece. Your name sounded perfect when it fell out of his lips.

Your palm started to sweat against the wine glass, thinking about how fucked up it was that you just thought that.

There was a pause, so you spoke again.

"If you don't drink, why do you have wine?" you asked curiously.

"Guests,"

You looked around the room theatrically, "Guests? Here? Do you entertain them by turning into a bat? You live like a vampire. I don't see any games in he—" when you looked back at him, he was eyeing you, so you stopped talking.

"You've got a mouth on you," he said darkly, staring at your lips.

You blinked at him, frozen. The way he was looking at you scared you, like he wanted to take you to his room and lock you up in there for hours. It also excited you a bit, knowing he wanted you. Knowing your sharp tongue elicited a reaction in him. After all, he called you _pretty_ last week when he saw you get upset. He liked the fight. The back and forth. The drama of it all.

You did too, you realized.

But you didn't _want_ to like it, so you changed the subject.

"I—I hate the name they gave me. _Angel_ ," you mocked, "It's so—"

"Not fitting in the slightest," he muttered.

You cocked an eyebrow, "Oh really?"

"Really,"

You pressed your lips together, annoyed.

"Can we cut the small talk? Why'd you even buy me, anyway? To torture me? You have me for a whole fucking month. You know that, right? You have _me_ ," you laughed, "I'm not so sure you'll like how you spent your money,"

The wine glass kissed your lips as you took another nervous drink, afraid you'd just said too much.

"You'd rather one of those other men would have bought you?" Kylo asked, expressionless.

"Probably," you lied.

Kylo's eye twitched at you, possibly annoyed. Maybe frustrated. He looked at his watch, stretching out his long arm and bending it toward him, "It's late. You should sleep. You'll need a lot of rest this month. After all, I get to do whatever I want with you," he stood up, smiling, as your face fell.

"I'm not a toy," you were standing with him now.

Kylo leaned down and got close to your face. You didn't flinch or step away, even though your brain was screaming at you to knee him in the groin. You could smell his cologne perfectly now. It was a scent you'd probably never forget because it smelled so fucking good.

"Yes, you are. My good little toy that I _bought_ ," he smiled, taking your wine glass, and quickly standing straight up again.

A little part of you wished his face was close to yours again.

Kylo began to walk toward his kitchen and you followed, arms crossed, "I-I'm a person. I'm not an _object_ to play with,"

"That's exactly what you are," he said, setting the glass in his sink.

"I wish you didn't refer to or view me as one. I'm here for a whole month at your...service or whatever. You can at least respect me in that way," you said quietly, starting to walk to the hallway where your new room was.

Kylo followed you.

"Don't you think that of yourself?"

You snapped your head around and stopped, "Do I think I'm a toy? No. I literally just told you that I didn't wan—"

Kylo stepped close to you and didn't stop as his chest hit yours. He was backing you up until you were pressed against the door to your room. The scent of his cologne was around you again and you couldn't help but not mind breathing it in.

"You're here aren't you? I bought you, didn't I? For the month, you agreed. You agreed to be a toy for someone. That someone is _me_ ,"

"Not a toy," you spit through your teeth, "I'm not a toy,"

"We'll see," he smirked, twisting the handle behind you, opening the door and making you fall back to the floor.

_Did he just do that?_

_He did._

Your ass hurt as you stared up at him from the ground, your eyes wide with shock and little bit of fear. You crawled backwards until your back hit the bed. You were breathing hard, your chest rising up and down rapidly. Your palms on the floor were holding you up from behind.

Kylo stepped toward you and squatted, his face hovering close to yours. You didn't know what he was going to do. Call you a toy again? Kiss you? Punch you? Spit on you?

"Goodnight, _Angel_ ," Kylo said, his voice low and almost threatening.

Before you could say anything back, Kylo stood up straight and left the room, leaving you on the floor and assessing how in the fuck you were going to get out of this situation. Call Hux? Tell him this guy was not a great buyer for you? Call Barry? Tell him to pick you up? Move to a foreign country?

After a few minutes sitting, staring blankly into nothing on the floor, you decided to stand and just go to bed. There was no way you'd be getting out of this. You signed those papers, you agreed to this, and you needed the money. You were doing this for Nicky.

Now, you just had to spend the rest of the month in what seemed like your own personal purgatory. Not heaven but not exactly hell, either.

You sighed and started to put your things into place in your new 'room' for the month. After situating everything into the big closet in the room, you got ready for bed, brushing your teeth in the bathroom. While everything else in Kylo's place was black, the bathroom was white as snow. You liked the white.

When you were done getting ready for bed, you slipped into the big bed. Black, silk sheets swallowed your body as you got comfortable. Your freshly shaved legs felt so fucking good gliding against the silk.

While it was nice to sleep in a comfortable bed, your mind stayed awake. You _were_ a toy. Kylo was right. You agreed to this. You agreed to be a toy. But...you figured you didn't have to exactly be the toy he _wanted_ you to be.

Tucking the silk sheets under your chin, you squeezed your eyes shut and tried to sleep.

You couldn't though.

You could only think of how the next thirty days would play out.

**Day One.**

You set your alarm really fucking early. Like...so fucking early

 _6:30AM_ early.

You just wanted to be up to get ready for whatever the fuck was going to happen today. You really had no clue what to expect from this guy. Was he going to chain you up all day? Was he going to...fuck you? Was he going to ignore you?

After taking a hot shower with the products that Brin provided you, you held a white towel around your body and looked in the mirror a little longer, holding onto this version of yourself that only you'd get to see for now. A bare face, wet hair that stuck to your skin, pink lips from the hot shower water. You thought you looked pretty like this.

You sighed and left the bathroom, walking to the closet. All of the clothes that were given to you were so expensive and provocative looking, making you shudder. You wished you could have picked your own outfits. Instead, you chose items in the closet that were the least amount of gaudy and threw them on, hoping it looked okay.

After you put on makeup, similar to the look you had on last night, you checked yourself out in the full-length mirror in the bedroom. The black, mini-skirt looked decent on you. It was flowy and loose around your ass, which you liked. Your shirt was a lot, though. It was a crop top type thing that you'd maybe wear to a club in real life and it had hella gold sparkles on it.

You looked pretty ridiculous for eight in the morning.

Now that you were done getting ready, you wondered what the fuck was going to happen now. Was he going to tell you when to come out? Would you go out by yourself? Would you have to cook breakfast? Would he get you Starbucks if you asked? Dunkin'?

_Oh my gawwddd a Dunki—_

Okay, now you were just hungry.

You left your room and stepped out into the empty apartment. It was silent enough to hear a pin drop. Kylo wasn't in the living area or in the kitchen. You pursed your lips as you thought about where he could be. Still sleeping maybe? Out?

Hm.

You were really fucking hungry, so you filed through his pantry looking for bread. You pulled out two slices of a fancy ass brioche bread that he had and ate them as you sat on his big, black couch in the living room. You'd looooovvveee to make yourself some eggs right about now, but you didn't know what 'rules' he had for you. Fuck, you didn't even know where he was.

After you were done eating the bread, you eyed the hallway to your new room. There were a few other doors, one of which he could be behind, but you decided not to peek around. His place wasn't yours to be snoopy, as much as you wanted to be. You had a _shred_ of respect for other's things, even if that ' _other'_ was an ass.

Suddenly, his apartment front door opened. Your eyes darted to Kylo as he walked in, clearly surprised to see you. Did he forget you were here? Did he assume you were going to sleep in until noon? Granted, you totally _did_ want to sleep in until noon.

He was holding a brown paper bag, as if he'd just gone to the store. Kylo looked at his watch, then back at you.

"It's early," his said with a furrowed eyebrow.

You didn't know what to say. 'Nice observation'? 'Should I go back to bed'? He gave you nothing, so you just nodded slowly as he walked in the kitchen, putting away whatever he got from the store.

Kylo then stuck something in the microwave for a minute or two, then took out whatever it was, putting it on a nice, glass plate from his cabinet. He did this all as you awkwardly watched in silence from the couch.

He walked toward you, plate in hand and gave it to you. On it was a Jimmy Dean's sausage, egg, and cheese breakfast sandwich. You figured he was being civil today. You decided you could try to be, too.

"Is—is that for me?" you asked as he sat next to you.

Kylo didn't answer, just handed it to you.

You guessed that was a yes.

The two pieces of bread you ate earlier didn't cut it for you and you were still hungry, so pretty soon after Kylo gave you the sandwich, you were eating it as Kylo just...stared at you. Midway through a bite, you darted your eyes around the room, signaling to him that you were uncomfy with his little staring contest.

"So," you started, mid-chew, "What do you have planned for me?"

He cocked an eyebrow.

"I mean, for the month. I—Look, I know why I'm here. I just want to know what's expected and the 'rules' and that sort of thing," you said tiredly. You just wanted for him to lay it out for you so you could get this all over with and have the month go by quickly.

Kylo looked amused, "I thought you weren't a toy,"

You furrowed your eyebrows together, "I'm _not..._ kind of. I just—I just want to know what to expect and what I'll be...doing, I guess. I don't know,"

"Everything that's here is yours," he said, plainly.

You nodded, "Okay and...?"

"And?"

"Yes. And? What rules? Do I need to be available at...certain times or um, like wait in the room until you tell me to come out?" you questioned him. He wasn't really helping you get comfortable.

Kylo laughed at you, "No, no. No rules like that,"

You squinted at him, "I don't understand. You bought me. For the whole month. You don't have rules? Or expectations? Hux said whoever bought me would tell me what to do or whatever,"

"Hux deals with different men,"

"Different men than you? You were there at that gala, you know. You're no different," you rolled your eyes.

Kylo's jaw tightened, but he ignored you.

His raked his eyes over your body, "Dressed up for something?"

You finished chewing and swallowed the last bit of the breakfast sandwich, "These are the clothes they gave me," you said, your voice small, "I don't—I don't have anything else,"

Kylo took the empty plate from you and didn't say a word as he went to the kitchen, putting the dish in the sink. You sat there on his couch, watching him as he then went to a door on the other side of the apartment that you hadn't seen before. His room, you assumed.

You were wondering why he left you sitting there when he emerged from the room, holding a t-shirt, "Take off that ridiculous top and wear this," he said, tossing it at you, then sat back down next to you on the couch.

The way he was looking at you made you realize he wanted you to change right then and there. You nodded and started to take off your sparkly top in front of Kylo. He watched you as you lifted the shirt over your head, completely off. You folded it slowly and set it on the coffee table in front of the couch.

When you turned back to Kylo, you saw his eyes were fixated on your lace black bra. The look he was giving you made your breathing heighten. You wanted Kylo to rip the lace off of you and kiss your whole body. You wanted him to touch you. You thought this man was an asshole, yet you wanted him to completely destroy you.

You figured you must be clinically insane.

Kylo cleared his throat, his gaze no longer at your chest, but on your eyes again.

Right.

Your cheeks heated and you quickly put on the shirt he gave you. You assumed it was his. The black shirt was a little big, but damn if you didn't love big t-shirts. You were grateful for the change of outfit.

"Thanks," you muttered.

Suddenly, Kylo's hand went to your skirt, making you freeze. He took the bottom of the fabric between his fingers and played with it for a moment.

"I like this one. You'll keep this one on," he murmured, eyes still on the skirt, probably imagining what you looked like underneath it.

"Yes, master. Anything else?" you asked dramatically.

Kylo chuckled at your words but didn't say anything.

It was quiet again.

"Make yourself comfortable for the day," Kylo stood up and walked to his front door as you sat there, confused.

"Wha—Wait, where are you going?"

He glanced at you briefly, then left without a word.

You sat there for a moment, trying to process him leaving. So, he buys you for a whole fucking month and can't even...hang out? Not that you wanted to 'hang' but why'd he have to leave? Where was he going? What would _you_ do? You were confused, a little frustrated, and bored as the minutes turned to hours of being alone in his big apartment. You felt like a princess locked in a castle. 


	4. then help me.

Kylo didn’t come back to his apartment for the rest of the night, so you just went to bed and decided not to wait up for him. You thought about it but realized that you didn’t owe him anything. He left _you_ all alone. He didn’t need you waiting by the door, making sure he got in alright, so you just went to sleep.

Sometime in the night, a little bump in your room woke you. You rubbed your eyes and rolled over, facing the door.

“CHRIST!” you yelled in the dark room, seeing a figure standing next to your bed. You realized it was Kylo as he laughed under his breath.

You sat up, crossed your arms, and frowned, “What are you doing in here? You left me alone today. That was shitty,”

Kylo sat on the bed and leaned on his arm, “Nice to see you, too, hot head. And I assume you enjoyed being away from me? Seeing as you dislike me so much,”

You felt yourself tense at the realization that he was on the bed with you. Kylo was so close to you. Close enough to touch you, close enough to take your pink silk nightgown off of you and toss it to an unknown place around the room, close enough to fuck you, if he wanted. You wondered if he would. If right now would be the time he’d put his money to use.

You swallowed, “I’m not a hot head…like _ever_. I’m actually really nice, you know. I’m only like this around you because you’re an ass. A-And why _wouldn’t_ I dislike you? You stole my TV and you _bought_ me, by the way,”

Kylo chuckled, “What’s with the fucking TV?”

“It was _for_ someone. Anyway, where were you today? It’s a Sunday, so…church? No, no, you’d burn if you walked in or something,” you said with nearly a serious face until a small smile crept over you.

“None of your business. Who was the TV for?” he asked.

“None of your business,” you copied him, “And I don’t like being alone,”

He looked confused, the bit of light from the window hitting his face in such a nice way, accenting his big eyes, beautiful nose, and highlighting his full lips.

You looked away from him and began playing with your hands in your lap, “You said I must have enjoyed it…being alone. I don’t. I _like_ being around people…even if that means I have to hang out with _you_ ,” you lightly teased.

Kylo ignored your jab and got more comfortable sitting on the bed, leaning slightly closer to you, "Tell me about yourself," he spoke causally.

"Um, _now_?” you smiled nervously and leaned back on the headboard, “What time is it, anyway?”

“Doesn’t matter,” he replied matter-of-factly. He was right. You were wide a-fuckin-wake now.

“Okay…” you said hesitantly before continuing, “Well, I graduated early from NYU. I'd like to be a museum curator but finding work is hard, especially because I’m a fresh graduate. I like history…a lot. Um, I live nearby sort of…I don’t know. I’m boring. I live in Brooklyn with my best friend, so basically my story is the same as everyone’s here,"

“I don’t think that’s true,” Kylo thought out loud.

You couldn’t tell if he was complimenting you or what he exactly meant, so you just stayed quiet until he spoke again.

Kylo eyed you up and down, then hummed, "Hm. You're a beautiful girl. Why are you here?"

"What do you mean?" you asked, hands shifting in your lap again. You felt like you knew where this was going.

"You're a beautiful, twenty-one-year-old girl. You’re college-educated…funny. Yet, you're here. A virgin," the way he said 'virgin' made it seem like that was the worst thing someone could be, "Tell me why,"

Your lips parted in slight shock, "Tell you why I'm a virgin?" you laughed.

"There are millions of people in this city,” Kylo’s eyes pierced into yours as he spoke, “Now, tell me why you haven't gotten fucked by _one_ of them,"

Ouch.

You straightened your back a little, trying to create _some_ sort of courage for what you were about to say, “Well…to be honest, I was saving myself for the right person,” you couldn’t look at him, so you stared at your hands in your lap again, “It’s dumb, I know. I just didn’t want to have sex with some shitty college frat boy. Plus, I never dated in college because I was so busy with school and work so nothing ever really…happened. I never met that _someone_ ,” you looked up at him nervously. He didn’t have an expression that you could read.

You swallowed, "But anyway, I'm here now, so I guess I won't be saving it for someone that I like at all,"

Kylo leaned forward, his cologne lingering in front of you, “You’re a bad liar,”

“Oh?” your voice was shaky and the little ‘oh?’ barely escaped your mouth. Your hands instinctively fell on the bed instead of on your lap, allowing you to lean a little closer to him, too.

Maybe it was because of how late in the night it was or maybe it was because, in all honesty, you liked this asshole, but he seemed to suck you in and put you under a spell, your body naturally moving toward him and responding to his every move.

“I think you like me just fine, _Angel_ ,” he insisted, a devilish grin over his mouth.

“You make it really hard to like you when you call me that,” you lied. You were pretty sure you’d like him all the same if he called you much, much worse.

Kylo smiled ever so slightly, "Angel, you know, it's a shame you've never been properly fucked,” he pushed your blanket down slowly, exposing your legs to the cold, bedroom air and grazed his finger on your bare thigh.

“These legs never around someone's waist, squeezing a man closer to you for him to go deeper inside of you,” he ‘tsk’d a few times, “Such a shame,"

You breathed in a sharp breath as his skin touched yours. The way his deep voice rolled those words out of his mouth made a warmth grow between your legs. Everything he did elicited a reaction out of you. You couldn’t fucking help it. In this moment, you felt like you were buzzing.

If he was going to be the one to take your virginity, so be it. You were practically mentally packing away your virginity’s things, ready to send it off on a plane to outer space, to be rid of it forever with the way Kylo was looking at you.

"Maybe you could help me," you said, your voice low. You scooted closer to him on the bed, wanting him to touch you more, ready for him to fuck you, to do _anything_ to you. This felt like such a shift from how you were feeling earlier, so annoyed at him disappearing, calling you Angel, but now you didn’t give a fuck. All you knew right now was that you _wanted_ him.

Kylo leaned forward and put his big hand completely on your thigh, sliding it upward, barely under your little nightgown. His face came close to yours, nearly touching you nose to nose, "I _know_ I could help you, little angel," he breathed.

Still looking into his eyes, you grabbed his wrist, pushing his hand further up your thigh, “Then help me,”

Kylo’s eyes darted to your shoulder, darkening at the sight. The thin strap of your silk nightgown had fallen down. Kylo’s eyes didn’t drift away from your shoulder as he reached up with his other hand and took the strap between his fingers, his skin grazing against yours as he played with the thin piece of silk.

“There are so many things I want to do to you, little angel,” he whispered.

You felt the inside of your brain go insane for a moment. You wondered what he wanted to do to you. You wanted to picture it. You wanted what _he_ wanted. You were aching for his lips on yours and his touch on your whole body. You had to control yourself from audibly moaning at his words, alone.

Kylo released your nightgown strap from his fingers and moved his hand to your jaw, where he positioned your head slightly to the side. Kylo dipped his head slowly to your neck, his hot breath on your sensitive skin, giving you goosebumps.

“My hot-headed little angel,” he mumbled, letting his lips lightly graze you.

You were now holding the nape of his neck with one hand, fingers in his hair, the other hand tightly gripping the sheets next to you as you squirmed. Kylo’s hand under your nightgown reached your lace panties. You let out a small whine and held the sheets in your first firmer as you slightly bent your legs and opened them instinctively, anticipating him ripping them off of you and doing whatever he wanted to you.

Kylo finally kissed your neck, his wet lips sucking on you. There was so much going on, his hand so close to your cunt, his lips at your neck, you thought you’d go into cardiac arrest with the rate your heart was pumping.

“You may not like me, little angel,” he whispered into your neck between soft kisses, “But your body does,”

“Mhm,” you hummed as your voice shook.

Kylo’s middle finger softly brushed over your clothed cunt. You dug your nails into his neck in response and bit your lip, not letting another whine escape your mouth.

“Little angel,” Kylo breathed, “You’ve never been touched like this before?”

“N-No,” you whispered and shifted your hips, wanting him to touch you more.

Kylo’s head lifted from your neck and hovered in front of your face. He removed his hand from between your legs and gripped your chin, “So pure,”

With his hand gone from your legs and his lips on your neck withdrawn, you knitted your brow in confusion as he gazed at you. You need his hands everywhere on you, touching all over. Lips all over. _Everything_ all over. You wanted him to completely consume you.

Kylo smirked, “You want me to keep touching you, little angel?”

You nodded, your big eyes looking at him desperately.

Kylo’s hand on your chin went to your other shoulder and slowly pushed down the other skinny strap, leaving you one yank of your nightgown away from being topless with Kylo.

“Beg me to touch you,” he exhaled, his eyes on your body.

You wished you wanted to beg for him to touch you. You wished you wanted to beg for him to fuck you…but you couldn’t. You didn’t know how and you didn’t really _want_ to beg. You wanted him to take you without you having to plead with him. Instead, you sat there silently until his eyes flicked back up at yours.

“Beg,” Kylo said sternly.

“I’m your toy, aren’t I?” you said quietly, “I don’t _have_ to beg,”

“ _Beg_ ,” he repeated, his eyes narrowed onto yours.

Kylo’s eye twitched as you sat there in the silent room. He wanted—no, _needed_ you to beg. Something told you he’d always gotten his way, this being the first time a woman hadn’t begged for him. Aaaand you wouldn’t blame them. Kylo was incredibly attractive, smart, sometimes funny even, something you noticed since you first met him. But he couldn’t get his way all of the time with you.

Kylo realized you weren’t going to beg and shot up from the bed, standing again.

“Kylo—”

He interrupted you, “I’ll be at work tomorrow,” he said coldly, “Do what you want,”

Kylo turned away and left your room abruptly, leaving you no time to stop him, ask what was wrong, or get him to talk further at all. You not begging for him was upsetting to him. Infuriating, maybe? You sat there, in your bed, heart pounding and thinking about what just happened. You gave your cheek a light slap just to make sure you weren’t dreaming.

You weren’t.

**** Day Two. ** **

You didn’t bother setting an early alarm this morning, knowing Kylo would be off at his ‘confidential’ job by 8AM. When you finally woke, it was 10AM. You groaned at the light coming through the windows and rolled over, searching for your phone on the nightstand.

It wasn’t there.

You sat up and hung your bed over the side of the bed, checking to see if it fell on the floor.

Nope.

“What the hell?” you exclaimed out loud as you got out of bed, searching everywhere for your phone. It was absolutely nowhere.

_I left it on the fucking nightstand. What the fuck?_

You groaned sighed and pulled your hair into a bun, then got on your hands and knees to check under the bed. Not there either.

“Goddammit, Kylo,” you muttered, knowing he had something to do with your missing phone.

After brushing your teeth and washing your face, you stepped into the kitchen. If you were going to conduct a massive search party for your precious phone, might as well be well-fed, you figured.

Turns out, you didn’t exactly need to do a search party. A small note was on the kitchen island, next to it, a phone. Not _your_ phone, but a random one.

_My phone number is inside. Call if you need anything._

This other phone was the newest iPhone, and as you unlocked it and clicked inside, you saw one contact: Kylo Ren. You immediately changed his name in the phone, then angry texted him.

\--

****Satan** **

iMessage

what did you do with my phone?? – 10:22AM

10:40AM – You don’t need it.

yes I do! unlike you, I have people in my life who actually like me. they’re gonna think I’m dead by the end of the week and have my face on every milk carton in the city – 10:41AM

duck this – 10:41AM

duck* – 10:42AM

UGH DUCKING AUTOCORRECT – 10:42AM

FUCK* – 10:43AM

10:50AM – Do you have an emergency or something right now?

no, but when you get home there might be one. – 10:51AM

you may want 911 on speed dial for yourself. – 10:51AM

11:07AM – I’m not so sure you’re a little angel, anymore.

fuck you. – 11:10AM

11:13AM – Maybe.

as if – 11:14AM

11:20AM – Your memory seems to be foggy. Try getting a better night’s sleep tonight.

\--

You gave up texting Kylo after that.

After a morning and afternoon of boredom and helping yourself to his food and coffee, you decided to put his TV to use. You clicked through channels, trying to find where his Netflix app was. Nothing. Disney+? Nope. Hulu? Nah. He didn’t have _any_ streaming services. Just cable.

_What kind of psychopath only watched cable?_

…unless he didn’t watch the TV at all. But if he didn’t watch TV, why would he have wanted the TV that you _also_ wanted so badly? Did he just want to mess with you _that_ bad? You wondered what kind of person Kylo was, besides being hot and rich.

You turned off the TV and laid back on the couch, groaning, “I’M GONNA DIE HERE!!!” you screamed into the black hole that was Kylo’s living room. It was only day two, technically, but as the hours went on without anyone nearby, it felt like day ninety-seven. Even though you were kind of angry at him for last night, you didn’t care. You just needed human interaction to stay alive. You wanted him here. You also wanted to choke him out a little.

After a while, you decided to shower, not because you needed one, but because you were so fucking _bored_. When you were done, you wrapped your hair up into the towel and put on some silk pajama shorts and a bra. You decided that you didn’t want to wear one of the fancy blouses that Brin gave you, so you strolled across the apartment to Kylo’s room to grab one of his to wear. You figured it’d be okay. After all, he gave you one yesterday.

You stepped into his room and turned on the light. Similar to the rest of the apartment, it didn’t look like anyone lived there. There was a painting on the wall, but it was abstract. The colors were black, white, and red. Nothing else. The black, silk bed (similar to yours) was made up and the room was completely clean. You would have never guessed someone slept there.

The only way to know that someone was alive and not a ghost in this place was in his closet. You opened the door and found a huge closet full of clothes. Mostly black, but there were others that were dark grey or dark red. There were no clothes that weren’t hung up. Even the simple t-shirts were on their own hanger.

You took the towel off of your head and threw it over your shoulder as you scanned through the t-shirts on the back wall of his closet, your back to the door.

_Hmmm, which to pick? Black, black, or dark grey? Sooo many choices._

You picked dark grey, so you reached up to try and get the shirt off of the hanger.

“You like my clothes better than your own?”

“FUCK!” you squealed, turning around in shock, “You scared me!” you laughed.

Then, your face turned serious when you saw him. He was wearing a nice suit and looked handsome, like how he looked from the gala. Kylo’s gaze was intense, but not on you. His eyes were on your chest as you took heavy breaths at the sight of him. You forgot you didn’t have a shirt on, only in your bra. You stood there like a deer in headlights as he was standing by the closet door.

Kylo’s eyes flicked up to your face now, “You’re not wearing makeup,”

“Um, no. I can go put some on. I just got out of th—”

“No, no. Don’t,” he said softly.

The two of you weren’t moving at all. You weren’t reaching behind you to grab a shirt and he wasn’t walking away. You were both just looking at each other in a sort of ‘what’s going to happen now?’ stare.

“Do you know how good you look right now?” he asked in the silence.

Your arms crossed over your stomach slowly, shy from the compliment. Kylo stepped toward you, taking your arms and putting them back at your side, “Don’t do that,”

You were now looking up at him as he towered over you, “Do what?”

“Don’t get shy like that,” he swallowed, “Not around me,”

You were so close to Kylo, your chest barely grazing the white button-down of his suit. You didn’t know why, but you felt completely sucked into him, just like last night. Kylo had some kind of aura that you just couldn’t break away from when he looked at you a certain way…like the way he was looking at you now.

His eyes stayed on yours for a moment before falling to your lips. You instinctively wet your own in response. One of Kylo’s hands reached up to the towel over your shoulder and pulled it off, tossing it over his own shoulder. As you cocked your head in slight confusion, Kylo leaned forward and bent down.

You thought he was going to kiss you until you heard movement behind you. Kylo reached behind you and pulled a t-shirt off of a hanger, then held it in front of you to take.

“Thanks,” you whispered. You found it hard to speak with him so close to you, you in barely any clothes and him looking so goddamn fine.

Then, you remembered your phone.

“Wait, I um—I think I’m mad at you,” you admitted as you slipped his t-shirt over your head, “No, I _know_ I’m mad at you,”

Kylo’s eyebrows raised, “Go on,” he said, a slight smile forming at the corners of his mouth. He turned and started to leave the closet, motioning for you to follow him.

“I need my phone,” you declared as you caught up with his long stride.

He ignored you and kept walking until you reached his kitchen. Kylo got two glasses of water and slid one over to you, “While you’re here, you only need to talk to _me_. For the next month, _this_ is your world,”

You sat on a stool at the island, facing Kylo on the other side, “ _No_ , there are other people in my life I have to keep up with. I need my _phone_!”

It’d be nice to talk to Kelstra, her being a great friend, but there was really only one person you _needed_ to talk to: Nicky. You texted him every night before bed, asking about his day, how he was feeling, etc. You _had_ to talk to Nicky. There was no question about it.

“You’re not getting it until you leave here,” he laughed.

You rolled your eyes, “What if I just jump off of your balcony, instead?”

“I’d be so sad,” he smirked and gave you a fake pouty face.

“I’m sure you would be. I’m the only fucking person in your life, it seems. I doubt you have anyone and if you did, I’m sure you tortured them enough to scare them away,” you shot back.

You weren’t sure where that came from. It seemed over the top, but him taking your phone was over the top. You convinced yourself it was a fair comeback.

Kylo’s jaw tensed, but that was his only reaction. He slowly walked to you, standing in front of you as you sat on the stool. His silence was more terrifying than him screaming at you.

Kylo squinted at you, “Day two here and you think you’ve figured me out? That you know everything about me?”

“I know that I really hate you,” you retorted.

Kylo cocked an eyebrow, “I don’t think you hated me _last night_. Do you remember how you tensed and sighed at every touch of mine?” he placed both of his palms on your thighs and leaned forward, his head next to yours as he whispered in your ear, “Do you remember when you said you wanted me to help you?”

Kylo’s palms began to rub up your thighs, his fingers barely reaching under your small shorts, “Do you remember how easily you let me in?”

Fuck.

You swallowed, knowing he was right.

Kylo faced you again, “I don’t think you hate me, little angel,”

“I don’t think you _know_ me, Kylo” you pushed yourself off of the stool, making Kylo back up, and walked toward your room.

You didn’t see him for the rest of the day.


	5. some kind of game.

** Day Three. **

You woke around 9AM, the bright sun from the window next to your bed was shining through the room, leaving you unable to really sleep anymore. You rolled out of bed and basically treated Kylo's place as your own. Stepping into the kitchen, you started some coffee and began to make a nice breakfast for yourself, after all, Kylo had hella food in his fridge and pantry.

After eating the omelet that you made, you stepped over to his big windows. New York in February was a shitshow, at least, to you. It was too damn cold, too damn cloudy, and too damn romantic during the earlier parts of the month, with Valentine's Day quickly approaching. Luckily, you were spending February locked away, making you unable to gag at the couples holding hands, the little cupids that lined store windows, and heart-shaped shit everywhere.

Kylo's apartment had a neat view of Manhattan and the Brooklyn Bridge. In all of your time living in New York, you never really got to see a view quite like this. You were weirdly happy to be here now, your feelings constantly shifting from 'this isn't so bad' to 'this place is worse than hell'. You couldn't get a grip and it'd only been three days since you got here.

The rest of the day dragged on. You ended up watching about a million episodes of Judge Judy before your stomach begged you for lunch. As you made a sandwich, you thought about how Kylo never really offered to get you food during the day. Maybe he assumed you could just take care of yourself, which you totally could.

You actually really liked cooking and Kylo's kitchen with endless items made it easy to make whatever you wanted. You just didn't really like that he never offered or asked. It was as if he wasn't planning on this whole thing, at all.

After a while of sitting around, whistling out loud, and seeing how loud you could yell before it echoed, along with other dumb shit you did out of boredom, you decided to nap around 3PM. 

\--

Muffled words drifted in the air, but you couldn't really make out what they said. You ignored it.

A nudge lightly hit your shoulder. You paid it no mind.

Another nudge and more muffled words.

"Stop," you mumbled, your mind in another state of consciousness.

The muffled words became clearer once you realized the voice behind it.

Kylo.

Your eyes shot open and you immediately sat up, looking at him. He was standing at the side of your bed, his eyes serious and his body tense. He seemed uncomfortable, worried, or maybe upset? You couldn't tell so you met him with a confused look, "Hi?"

"Um," he started, "...food,"

"Food?" you laughed. The way he said it made you think he was speaking to a dog.

"Yes...food—um, dinner," he swallowed.

You cocked your head to the side, "Um, are you okay? Do you know words? Is the food safe to eat? Why the fuck do you look like that?" you laughed uncomfortably.

Kylo ran his hand through his hair and sighed, "You look so fucking good right now,"

At first, you were confused. You just woke up and he thought you looked...good? How laughable. It wasn't until you looked down that you realized you weren't wearing pants. You were only in his t-shirt that you stole earlier in the day and a pair of lace panties provided for you. In your defense, you were so bored being alone that you just napped and at some point, during your sleep, you kicked off your shorts in the process.

As you stared back up at him through your eyelashes, Kylo put half of his fist in his mouth and bit down for a moment, then brought his hand down to his hip as he gazed at you with heavy eyes.

" _Fuck_ , little angel," he hissed and turned away, leaving your room, "Come get food," Kylo called out from the hall.

After getting out of bed, you stepped into another pair of silky pajama shorts and wondered why he stopped himself if he liked how you looked so much. He didn't have to resist looking at you, but he did. He didn't _have_ to walk away. He could have taken you however he wanted to right there. Kylo _had_ you for the month, yet he wasn't putting his money where his mouth was, so to speak.

When you walked through the living room, you saw Kylo at his kitchen island, taking out Chinese food from a plastic bag, avoiding your eye contact.

"I'm wearing pants now," you muttered as you stepped beside him, your shoulder brushing his.

Kylo handed you a plate and fork, "Can't have you walking around in just my t-shirt and your pretty little panties, can we?"

"If that's what you wanted me to do, then no," you smiled.

Kylo rolled his eyes and started putting food on his plate.

"Is this how you eat every day?" you asked, getting noodles on your fork, "You just...eat out?"

Last night, Kylo ordered food, too. He knocked on your door, letting you know food was there and told you he'd be in his room, that way you didn't have to be around him for the rest of the night. You felt kind of bad.

Kylo batted your fork away with his and scooped noodles for himself, "Mhm,"

You hit his fork back and claimed the noodles again, "You have so much shit in your kitchen, though. You can make anything you want!" you exclaimed, "Wait, do you even do your own grocery shopping?"

Kylo looked guilty when you glanced up at him.

"Oh, god. You don't, do you?" you laughed, "Christ. Well, I'll cook tomorrow. We can't eat like this all month. Plus, a man of your age should eat better,"

Kylo put a crab rangoon on each of your plates, "A man of my age? Really?"

"Thanks," you peeked at the crab rangoon he gave you, "Aaaaand yes, a man of your age,"

You started to pinpoint little things that made him seem human, not like an evil villain from the underworld or something. Giving you his t-shirts, knocking on your door for food, giving you space when you were upset, the crab rangoon you didn't ask for. Little things.

As you both sat at his table, you couldn't help but smile nervously as you picked at your food.

"So, you're not mad at me anymore, then," Kylo told you as he noticed your smiles.

You frowned, "You ruined it,"

Kylo twirled noodles on his fork and gave you another fake pouty face, something he'd done a few times to you since you'd first met him.

It made you giggle.

"So you're not," he smiled.

You sighed and took a bite of chicken, "Not really...I mean I still want my phone but I'm eating with you, aren't I?"

"That you are," he replied matter-of-factly.

After you both were done eating, you tried to take Kylo's plate but he slapped your hand and took yours instead. As he washed the dishes, you stayed in the kitchen with him and leaned your elbows on his granite countertops.

"It's really fucking boring here, you know,"

Kylo flicked his eyes up at you, "Boring?"

"Yea, boring,"

Kylo set the last dish on a drying rack and shook his hands over the sink, getting the excess water off of them, "So you haven't been in the library, then,"

"The WHAT?" you practically screamed.

Goddamn you for being polite and refusing to snoop through other people's houses.

Kylo chuckled and stepped toward you, "The _library_. You haven't looked around at all?"

"No," you said sheepishly.

The corner of his mouth quirked up in a little smile, "You're such a good girl, aren't you?"

"Kylo," you giggled, a little too hard, "Show it to me please," you practically begged, your hands gripping his forearm and tugging. When you realized where your hands were, you quickly took them off of him and crossed your arms, embarrassed.

"Let's go, little angel," Kylo put his hands on your face and dragged them from your forehead to your chin. His hands were still wet, and he was using you as his own personal paper towel.

A playful gesture.

"Oh my GOD, you suck," you wanted to say it more with an annoyed tone, but you couldn't help but let out a small laugh as you wiped your face and followed him.

Kylo walked toward his front door. There was a little entranceway there with another door in the small space. Kylo opened it. You always figured it was a closet or something, but it was definitely _not_ a closet.

As you stepped through the door, a beautiful library and office came into your view. There was a big window right above a big, black desk. The shelves were black, but the books were all kinds of colors and they lined the walls from top to bottom. A step stool leaned on the desk to use for reaching the books that were higher up.

"Um," you spouted, "Wow,"

Kylo was standing behind you as you pushed past him and stood in the middle of the room, looking around. He didn't say anything, but you could tell he was watching you intently. You walked over to one wall, your fingers grazing a few books, reading the titles.

"All genres? Do you have them in any sort of order? Like genre or author name?" you blurted excitedly, not looking at him as you spoke, "Do you have any history books? Specifically from the like 1400s in Japan? I've been really interested in the history of Japan lately after seeing some cool shit at a museum a few weeks ago. You've got so many books I feel like one of them HAS to be somewhat similar,"

You turned to him, "I know it's really specific b—" you stopped speaking as soon as your eyes hit Kylo's. He was just staring at you with a blank look in his eye. You figured you were talking too much.

"Sorry," you smiled nervously, "I really like books...and history,"

Kylo stepped over to you and eyed the shelves. You turned your body to face the books he was looking at, the two of you side by side in his library.

"I really like books, too," he said softly.

"You can _read_??" you teased.

"I can," Kylo said proudly, then his face fell a bit, "But I don't have any...Japanese books,"

You bit your lip and squatted, looking at the books on the bottom of the shelf, "That's okay. I'm sure all of these will keep me company just fine,"

You pulled one off of the shelf and looked at the back, trying to find a summary. You realized all of his books were either leather-bound or that thick fabric covering, making it to where you couldn't read what it was about. You had to just read the book and hope you would like it.

"I liked that one," Kylo confessed casually as he peered down at you, "It was really good,"

You held _War and Peace_ by Leo Tolstoy in your hands and stood back up.

"It's historical fiction," he added, "I think you might like it,"

You felt weirdly...giddy. You hadn't really known Kylo all that long but long enough to where he thought you might enjoy this book. That meant he paid attention to you, your personality, your interest in history that you mentioned casually the other night. Your cheeks heated as you flipped through the big book.

"Okay, I'll read it," you smiled, still not looking up at him. You didn't want him to see the stupid grin on your face.

"Oh, good,"

You peeked up at him, "Good,"

For a moment, there were no snippy words, no eyerolls, no scoffs, just two people standing in a library.

"I should prob—"

"I hope you like the book," Kylo interrupted you.

You held the book close to your chest and swallowed. Kylo's eyes were soft right now. There was no harshness in them. You hoped you met him with the same softness he was giving you.

"I think I will,"

You noticed Kylo's feet shuffling slightly as he spoke, "Good,"

"Good," you replied softly, just as the two of you did a moment ago.

You and Kylo just kind of looked at each other, not really knowing what to say. It's not that it was awkward, it was just that there was a hint of longing. You really wanted him to do something. Kiss you, maybe? Was that dumb? Why wasn't he all over you? You felt yourself getting disappointed as the seconds passed.

"I'm um—I should shower and I-I think I'm going to start the book tonight," you stuttered, "So...I guess goodnight, Kylo,"

You gave a polite smile and stepped past him. As you walked toward the door, you were waiting for him to grab your arm and pull you close to him, call your name and ask you to come back, _anything_.

But he didn't, so you just kept walking until you left the library and walked across the apartment to your room.

** Day Four. **

It seemed things were back to normal with you and Kylo. It was 7AM the next morning and you and Kylo were already getting snippy with each other before he left for work. You weren't sure who said what first, but it sparked attitude on both of your ends.

"I've known you for three days and I think you're the worst person I've ever met. Congratulations. I think you should get an award," you said dryly.

Kylo was standing at his coffee maker, watching the coffee pour into a mug before looking up at you and smiling, "I do love winning,"

"You're an idiot," you laughed. You couldn't help it. The motherfucker was funny.

You were only awake because you couldn't really sleep last night. You kept thinking about the way Kylo touched you two nights ago, why he wasn't touching you like that again, the way he wanted you to beg for him, and more. You wanted him to come into your room in the middle of the night again, sitting on your bed, touching you.

Your mind was swimming all night, so when 7AM rolled around and you heard Kylo in the kitchen, you decided to get up and...hang out with him before he left. You hated to admit that part, but in all honesty, that's what you were doing: just wanting to hang out...to piss him off and have _him_ piss _you_ off. It was fun.

"Sooo," you leaned your back on the counter next to him, his t-shirt from yesterday still on you like a dress, your pajama shorts nowhere to be seen underneath, "Where do you work? Let me guess you're a _lawyer_ or something awful like that,"

"Ouch, hot head. You're being _extra_ mean this morning. A lawyer? Really?" he glanced over at you, taking the mug out from under the coffee maker.

"Really," you said proudly.

He passed you the cup of coffee and slid the carton of creamer to you, "Here," he said casually. You saw him eye your legs before taking another mug out of a cabinet above him.

"Oh, thanks," you said, surprised. You didn't think he was making one for _you_. As you poured the creamer into your coffee you decided to ask about his work again, "So, where do you work? No jokes, this time," you put one of your hands up in a little surrendering pose.

"Confidential," Kylo said plainly, pushing a button on the machine.

Hmm his work was a secret? And he had a million dollars to throw away on you? You wondered what the fuck he was involved with.

"Wow, a company called 'Confidential'! Nice," you laughed as the sarcasm rolled off of your tongue before you could stop it.

Kylo gave you a small smile as his machine poured another mug full of coffee. After his cup was full, Kylo was quiet while putting barely a splash of the creamer into his mug. He stirred it a bit, his fingers looking gigantic compared to the small spoon, and leaned back on the counter next to you, both of you in the same position, side by side.

As you stood next to Kylo, you felt weirdly comfortable. You were in his nice ass kitchen, drinking his nice ass coffee, wearing his nice ass cotton t-shirt, feeling like maybe this wasn't so bad. _He_ wasn't so bad. You wanted him again.

"Politics," you blurted in the comfortable silence, "I mean, you've gotta work in politics," you glanced up at Kylo, who was eyeing you as he sipped, "So I'm right? You have to tell me if I'm right," you insisted.

Kylo took the cup away from his face, then turned to face you, leaning the side of his hip on the counter now, "Why politics?" he looked amused at your guess.

"It's another dirty profession," you thought out loud, "You've got too much money for someone of your age—"

"Someone of my age?" Kylo laughed, "You don't know my age, little angel,"

You set your mug on the counter and turned toward him, standing in the same position as Kylo, feeling competitive, something you never felt, "I'm a good guesser. I'm actually _really_ good. I've heard I'm the best at guessing ages,"

"Go ahead, then," Kylo cocked an eyebrow, "How old am I?"

You pressed your lips together, deciding whether or not to treat him like any other person whose age you were guessing. Why not?

You motioned for him to lean down, his face level with yours. Kylo knitted his brow, unsure, but did it anyway.

"Okay, um, relax your face," you requested softly. As Kylo did, you took his face in your hands and brought it closer to yours, inches apart. Your heart thumped in your chest at the close contact. Kylo blinked at you, uncertain, and swallowed.

"Close your eyes," you said, your voice cracking a little.

Kylo tensed but didn't say anything.

"It's important," you reassured him, "I promise,"

"Okay," he said nervously, but closed his eyes and relaxed his face anyway.

You gulped and kept one hand on his jaw, holding his face. Your other hand let your fingers graze the side of his cheek, up to his forehead. Kylo's eyes shot open at your light touch. His hazel eyes were fixed on you, and his brow furrowed again.

"Eyes closed," you whispered.

Kylo's eye twitched slightly, as if he were being tormented somehow, but closed them again.

After a moment, you started again and traced along his small forehead wrinkles. They weren't too deep, helping you guess his age a bit more accurately. You then trailed your finger down the bridge of his nose, just because you wanted to feel it, honestly. It was the prettiest nose you'd ever seen on a man and you were just looking for an excuse to touch it for a moment. You had such a perfect person in front of you. Besides being an absolutely difficult human, he was perfect.

When you reached the tip of his nose, you grazed your fingers over to the side of his mouth to feel his smile lines. His lip twitched a little as you touched the lines softly. You weren't focused on his wrinkles anymore, just his lips that were right next to your fingers. You wanted to touch them, kiss them, have them kiss you. His lips were pink and looked soft, as if he took good care of them, never missing an opportunity to put on lip balm. You felt yourself sigh looking at his full lips.

Kylo was controlling his labored breathing as you touched him, you noticed. In this moment, you swore he wanted you as much as you wanted him.

You moved your roaming hand back to the side of his face, so both of your hands were now holding him. You just kind of...looked at him for a moment. His eyes closed, expression blank, face relaxed. Kylo had a few loose strands of hair kissing his forehead, giving him a messy look, almost. He was a sight to see.

Kylo's eyes suddenly flicked open and stared into yours as you gazed at him. He exhaled deeply, seeing the way you were looking at him. You felt movement on your hips but didn't bother to look down, just remained looking at Kylo as he did the same. Kylo's big hands gently pulled up on his t-shirt on you and he set his cold hands on the sides of your bare waist. His cold skin on yours caused you to take a sharp breath in.

You couldn't tell if you were reacting that way because his hands were so cold or if it was because that's just how he made you react every time he touched you, looked at you, and talked to you. You were so sensitive to everything about him.

"Little angel," he breathed, closing the rest of the space between the two of you, "So, tell me how old I am, then," Kylo squeezed your waist methodically as if he were almost massaging you as he spoke, "Go on,"

Your hands fell to the collar of his button-down, gripping it, as you stood there trying to control yourself. It took you a moment to finally speak, but you only met him with a small whisper, "Thirty-two," your fingers played with the fabric of his shirt as you continued, "Tell me I'm right,"

The corner of Kylo's mouth quirked up into a smirk, "Good guess, little angel,"

Your grasp on his shirt became tighter as you pulled him as close to you as you could. His nose brushed yours, "I told you I always get it right," you boasted. Kylo breathed out a small laugh. He was so close, you felt the air hit your lips.

You waited for him to kiss you, but he didn't. He just stood there, his lips millimeters away from yours, looking at you as you looked back at him, clearly wanting him to do something. You realized he wasn't going to.

Your hands fell from his shirt and you backed up, his hands dropping from your waist. You took your coffee in your hands and stepped to the other side of the kitchen, leaning on the counter like you were doing earlier, "Have a good day at work," you said as you brought the mug up to your lips.

You were frustrated. You didn't know why he wouldn't kiss you. You didn't know why he wouldn't fuck you already. God, you sounded like a maniac.

Kylo eyed you up and down, then started to slowly walk toward you until he was right in front of you, his body barely pressed against yours. He took your cup from your hand and set it on the counter next to you as you looked up at him with big eyes.

"Aren't you going to ask me to stay, little angel?" he dipped his head to yours, "You want me to fuck you, don't you?" Kylo took your chin and angled your face upward, "You want me to show you things, don't you, little angel?"

 _Yes_.

"I never said that," you croaked out.

"You didn't have to," Kylo smiled and slowly snaked his other hand to your pajama short's waistline, hooking his fingers in it, "Say it, then. Say you want me to stay. Say you want me to fuck you. Say you want me to take away your virginity," he insisted, his voice low.

Your cheeks heated as Kylo brushed his lips on yours, not kissing, just touching. You wanted to melt right there in his kitchen and become a puddle on the floor. Your whole body buzzed as you felt his breath on you, lips brushing yours, but you were frozen.

"Say it,"

In this moment, you realized what he was doing.

This was what he meant by calling you a toy your first night here, right?

The begging, the waiting, the teasing. He was playing some kind of game, right? There was no fucking way he bought you for a month to do what those other men would've done. No, he bought you to _see_ something. To see if you'd beg for him, whine for him, ask him to fuck you. To see if a pure, young virgin would squirm under his touch, waiting for him to fuck them. You wanted to, but you didn't want to do it his way. If you had to beg for him, you decided he had to beg for you, too.

You reached next to you and held your coffee cup up, sipping it again, "Have a good day, Kylo," you said, unbothered, even though you were fully about to combust if he kept going.

Kylo backed up and squinted at you. You saw his fists ball up as he stood there, not moving, staring at you angrily. You turned on your heel and walked away from the kitchen, coffee in hand, and went to your room, leaving Kylo motionless in the kitchen. A few minutes later you heard his front door slam shut and you couldn't help but grin in your room. 


	6. and you’re losing.

**** Day Four. ** **

You spent all day reading _War and Peace_ just so you could talk to Kylo about it. You also had a sneaky plan to get back at him for the game you thought he might be playing with you, wanting you to beg for him and shit. You were itching for him to come home.

But, with just your luck, Kylo texted you he’d be back late and not to make dinner like you said you would yesterday. You thought that maybe he was still upset about this morning, but when he got back, he was on the phone angry with someone on the other end. You figured it wasn’t you after all. Kylo set some dinner he picked up on the kitchen counter and walked to his library, where he spent the rest of the night.

**** Day Five. ** **

As 6PM rolled around the next day, Kylo still wasn’t back at his apartment.

You stood at Kylo’s oven, opening it and peeking in every once in a while as the chicken and brussels sprouts cooked. You texted him earlier that you’d cook tonight for him, no excuses on his end, so that’s what you were doing. You found random stuff in his fridge and pantry, items you figured he never even bothered looking at, and decided to whip up something easy but also something he might like.

On one hand, you were feeling competitive, knowing tonight you were going to try to beat him at his game, but on the other hand, you were wanting to discuss the book, have him eat the food you made, and be…domestic. Your situation was _nothing_ like domestic, though, and you had to keep reminding yourself that.

Suddenly, you heard the front door open and Kylo walked through with his arms full of brown paper bags. He shut the door with his foot and walked toward the kitchen, his expression turning soft as he saw you.

“Hi,” you said quietly, throwing a rag over your shoulder, “I hope those aren’t groceries because I’m ma—”

“You’re making dinner?” he asked, looking a bit puzzled.

“Yeah…I literally texted you earlier,” you reminded him.

Kylo was quiet and stared at you.

You looked around dramatically, “Hello??”

“You’re wearing another one of my shirts again…with another little skirt of yours,” Kylo stepped toward you, his wide chest backing you up until your ass hit the counter. His hands held the back of your elbows as he continued, “And you’re making me dinner, little angel,”

You laughed nervously, “I could’ve done this yesterday if you would have actually been present,”

“I’m present now,”

One of Kylo’s big hands snaked up to your neck, holding it delicately, his other hand at your waist, “I think I’ve spent my money well,” he said quietly, “You making me dinner, being a good, little angel, wearing my clothes…”

You didn’t mean to, but you held his forearm that was holding your neck. You wanted him to keep it there, to have it claim you. You imagined what it’d feel like if he held it tighter, gripping you hard, pushing you down against something as his eyes pierced into yours. But for now, it was light and soft.

“Maybe I poisoned your food…or maybe by the time I leave in a month I’ll have stolen all of your clothes. You won’t know how well you spent your money until the month is over,” you smiled, trying to joke. Kylo didn’t laugh.

“I think even if you poisoned me right now, I’d have spent my money well,” he said, matter-of-factly, looking at your lips.

 _Oh_.

You wanted to sigh, or tell him to kiss you, or maybe say ‘oh that’s good’ or something like that, but then you remembered. What if he was playing this game? What if he said kind things sometimes to make you feel like this?

If he was going to play, you’d play, too.

“Kylo,” you said in a lowered voice as your hands went up to the long part of his tie, softly pulling his body closer to yours, “I wouldn’t actually poison you,”

You stretched your neck up to brush your lips with Kylo’s.

A smirk fell on your face, “Not when I haven’t even tasted you yet,”

Your eyes were fixated on his lips as he parted them. Both of Kylo’s hands were now on your waist, holding you close to him. You felt his breath on you as you pulled him closer, your hands on the nape of his neck.

You moved your head to the left now and swiped your bottom lip against his again, never kissing him, “I bet you taste so nice, Kylo,”

Kylo didn’t say anything, just looked down at you, a bit frozen. It seemed like he was taking in each tug of his tie, each sweep of your lip against his, each word that came out of your mouth in this moment. His eyelids were getting heavier as you continued.

“Kylo,” you started.

It was like he couldn’t even speak as he hummed, “Hm,”

“Gotta check on the chicken,” you said, your voice at a normal volume instead of the sultry whispering you’d been doing the for the past minute. The sudden change made it feel like you were screaming or something.

Your hands left the back of Kylo’s neck and you turned around quickly and stepped over to the oven. You didn’t bother looking back at Kylo. You knew he’d be standing there like a statue.

While you opened the oven door, an aroma so fucking magnificent hit the air. You took out the pan that was filled with the chicken and brussels sprouts and set it atop the counter for it to cool. Getting out a thermometer, you leaned over a bit and checked the chicken.

As you waited for the arrow to rise to the right temperature, you felt Kylo behind you. He pushed up his big t-shirt on you to the small of your back and pressed his bulge onto your ass. It was hard and from what you could tell, huge. You stood still, letting him brush your hair away from one side of your neck.

Everything you just did to get yourself ‘ahead’ in the game was nothing compared to this, right now. His touch on your neck, his body pressed on yours from behind…it was all for nothing because you stood there, cunt aching, and let yourself get lost in him again.

It seemed like _both_ of you were losing.

Kylo’s hands slid down your figure and landed at the bottom of your short skirt, holding the ends between his fingers. He could lift it up so easily. He could fuck you, right here, _so easily._

“Little angel,” he breathed into your neck. You dropped the thermometer, not giving a fuck about the chicken, and held his head behind you, your hands in his hair gripping at the black strands. Kylo left small, wet kisses on your neck for a moment before sucking, as you stood there and practically exploded. Your breathing was fast and you were failing terribly at trying to control it.

“Oh my God,” you sighed quietly.

Kylo’s hands pulled up the sides of your flowy skirt softly, his fingertips barely grazing your hips. He stopped when he felt the waistline of your panties. Kylo stopped sucking on your neck and just rested his head there as he exhaled shakily. It was like Kylo decided not to go any further as his hands stayed near your hips, his fingers frozen at your panties.

With one hand still in his hair, you gripped it a little harder. With the other hand, you reached backward and slid your hand between your body and his, moving down to his cock. You grazed your hand down then back up his slacks and heard Kylo hiss, “Fuck,”

His head moved from your neck to the back of your head, his nose in your hair. Kylo’s hands on your hips left and he smoothed the sides of your skirt down. You swore for a second that you felt him kiss the top of your head, but you weren’t sure because Kylo stepped away and started to walk toward the direction of his room.

“Make me a plate,” he called out, not looking at you, as he walked across the apartment.

You forgot about the game.

It seemed that he did too for a moment…then he must have remembered.

You were standing there, horny as ever, trying to get it the fuck together. Your shaky hands reached up to grab plates and managed to get them down without dropping them. After you put food on the dishes successfully, you were pretty much okay, minus the fact that you could still feel your wetness from a few moments ago.

Two minutes later, Kylo was back. He changed from his nice suit to a casual t-shirt and joggers. He was so fucking gorgeous in both, although, you figured he’d be hot wearing a trash bag, too. Kylo could probably make _anything_ look hot.

“You’re good,” he smiled as he sat down.

You cocked an eyebrow suspiciously, “I’m not sure what you mean,”

“You know,”

You rolled your eyes, “Kylo—”

“No, no, no, little angel, good job,” he congratulated you, “You almost got me,”

“Just like you’ve been trying to ‘get’ me?” you asked, annoyed.

Kylo cocked an eyebrow and smiled, “Little angel, I’m so proud of you,”

“You’re psychotic,”

“And you’re losing,” Kylo remarked, taking a bite of the chicken.

You pointed your fork at him excitedly, “So it _is_ a game!!”

“In games, usually there’s competition. I wouldn’t call this a game,” he said casually.

“God, I wish I actually poisoned your food,”

Kylo put his hand on your thigh under the table, making you flinch.

“See? Not a competition,” he scoffed and took his hand away, “You’ll crack in two days,”

Did he not assume you couldn’t have the same effect on _him_? You really weren’t like this outside of Kylo’s apartment, but right now you felt a weird need to show him just how much you could make him squirm as he could make you.

“Whatever,” you rolled your eyes again.

There were a few moments of silence, just the sounds of forks scraping against plates and chewing filled the air.

“What sauce is this on the chicken?” Kylo suddenly asked.

Just like that, the bickering, the competitive spirit, the attitude was gone between the two of you.

“Oh, it’s just a balsamic cranberry sauce. I just kind of threw stuff together,”

“I like it,”

“Oh, good,” you said, surprised at his praise. It felt nice.

“I mean, the whole thing…not just the sauce. It’s all good,” Kylo clarified.

“Thanks,” you smiled, facing your plate, “I can keep doing dinner if you want. I mean, not every night but most I can. Maybe I can show you how to make a few things before I um, well before I leave at the end of the month,”

You peeked up at him, then quickly looked back at your plate, “Or maybe I can just make a shit ton of meals and put them in your freezer so you just have to reheat them,” you joked.

Kylo chuckled with you for a moment, then said almost in a mumble, “I might have to keep you around,”

“If you were to keep me around, I’d paint this whole apartment white, not black,” you smiled and took a bite of chicken.

“On second thought, I won’t keep you around,”

You giggled but it quickly died down after realizing that in a month, you’d be gone. You were starting to get a little used to Kylo, having fun with him, liking him just a teensy bit more than you wanted to admit. Plus, you were just starting something fun: a game that the two of you knew existed. It sucked that in twenty-five days you’d leave. He’d just be a stranger again.

“I’m nearly done with _War and Peace_ ,” you mentioned in the silence.

“Really?”

You nodded, “Yeah…I really like it so far,”

“Good,”

“Mhm. You should recommend me another one when I’m done,” you suggested.

“I don’t think I’ll need to do that,”

You knitted your brows together, “Why?”

“Because,”

“Why because?”

“Just because,”

_Back to being difficult, I see._

“I’m not really in the mood for learning a new language or whatever the fuck you’re doing right now so never mind about the book recommendation,”

“Fine,”

“Fine,” you spit.

The rest of the meal was in silence. Once you were finished, you tried to take Kylo’s plate, just like you did the other night. Again, Kylo swatted your hand away and took yours instead, without a word, and cleaned the dishes. You figured you could dry and put them away, so that’s what you did. The two of you stood silently, cleaning, drying, and putting them away.

Once you were done, Kylo offered you wine, which you declined.

“If you don’t drink, I won’t either,”

Kylo turned to you, “What?”

“You don’t drink. I won’t either. I don’t want any,” you explained again.

“Because I don’t drink, you won’t?” Kylo asked, almost puzzled.

You gave a confused smile, “Um, yea? I really don’t want any anyway,”

“It’s just kind of a respect thing, I think,” you added.

Kylo was thinking hard about something but the only word he said was, “Oh,”

“Um so, what’s in the bags?” you asked, pointing at the large brown, paper bags he brought in earlier.

He glanced over at them, then back at you, “You don’t get it tonight,”

“I don’t get it tonight?” you squinted, “Wait, is something in there for me?”

“Mhm,”

You lunged playfully at the brown paper bags and tried to peek inside. Kylo quickly grabbed you from behind, holding your waist tightly as he backed up, heading toward the couch that was across the apartment. It was like you weighed nothing as Kylo carried you. He was big, strong, and could easily throw you around. On one hand, you could imagine how that could be frightening. On the other hand, you were sure that it was exactly what you wanted him to do to you.

“KYLO!!” you yelped, “Put me down!”

When Kylo got to one of huge leather couches, he threw you onto it and got on top of you, grabbing your wrists and holding them above your head, “Kylo!” you tried to kick but your legs were under his, “Wait,” you stopped moving and squinted at him, “Are we still mad at each other from just a minute ago?”

He thought for a moment, “I don’t even remember what we were talking about,”

You thought for a moment, too, “Me neither…so then can I have what’s in those bags? Since I’m not in trouble or whatever?”

Kylo’s face that was hovering over yours grinned, “No,”

“Dick,”

His eyebrows raised in surprise, but he kept a smile on his face, “Not wise of you to call me names when I have you pinned like this, little angel,”

You suddenly realized what position you were in. Kylo was on top of you, his hands as your bracelets on your wrists, and he was incredibly close.

“You’re a dick,” you repeated yourself.

Kylo’s eyes darkened, “Little angel, you’ll lose this game if you keep talking like that,”

You ignored him, “And you’re an asshole,”

“Fine,” Kylo laid partially on you, letting his body push on yours. You felt how hard he was on your lower stomach and it excited you, just like you figured he knew it would. You instinctively moved your legs to the outside of his, so he was between your legs.

You arched your back and pressed yourself closer to him, “And I’m pretty sure you’re a psychopath,” you added, your voice breathy.

Kylo smirked, “Little angel, you’re forgetting,” he reminded you as he let go of your wrists and took the bottom of his shirt on you in his hands, slowly rising it up.

“Aren’t you going to tell me to stop?” Kylo asked, his voice low as he kept pulling the shirt up, past your stomach.

“Did I mention arrogant?”

With that, your shirt flew over your head and Kylo tossed it a few feet away. You were now shirtless, with Kylo between your legs, right where you wanted him. As much as you were enjoying this, you had a plan.

“Oh my fucking God, little angel,” Kylo muttered as his head fell to your chest. He left aggressive kisses and bites on your collarbones, shoulders, chest, and the parts of your tits that weren’t covered by your lacy, red bra, “Just fucking perfect,”

As his head was at your chest, you pulled up the back of his shirt, taking it off of him with his help. It was the first time you’d seen Kylo shirtless and his back muscles that you could see while he was still kissing you were just perfect. You wanted to run your hands all over him, admiring the beautiful piece of work that was Kylo Ren.

Kylo began to move his kisses to your stomach, and when he got to your skirt, Kylo hooked his fingers in the waistline and dragged it down your body, off of your legs, and tossed it somewhere without a tease, without a fight, without anything. Because he _wanted_ to. Because he wanted _you_.

Your panties matched your bra, because duh, and you could see Kylo’s face turn nearly as red as the lace on your body. Kylo sat on his heels between your legs and grabbed one of your ankles, lifting it over his shoulder. He started to kiss your calf as he stared at your body, occasionally flicking his eyes up to yours. As Kylo worked his way from your calf to your knee, then your inner thigh, he intently watched your chest as it was rising and falling rapidly.

Kylo made his way to your cunt, but skipped kissing there and trailed up your stomach and past your chest until his face hovered over yours again. You wanted him so fucking bad. Your body was giving itself every excuse to press against him more, your legs wrapping around his waist. You quickly reached a hand down to his joggers and pushed at them. Kylo took the signal to take them off.

The two of you were nearly naked, him on top of you, your legs wrapped around him, your body sealed with kisses, both of you breathing fast. You didn’t remember how you got from point A to B but you didn’t give a fuck.

Your legs around his waist squeezed, making his cock in his boxers brush against your clothed cunt. Electricity felt like it flowed in your veins in that moment and you let out a small whimper. Your hands went to Kylo’s face, where you cupped his cheeks as he still hovered over you. You felt his elbows and forearms digging into the leather couch on both sides of your face.

You pulled him close to you once again and felt his cock violently thrust over your core. You realized Kylo rolled his hips into you as you squeezed his waist toward you. Both of you wanted this. Both of you wanted to feel good. Both of you wanted each other.

But there was still a game afoot.

“Fuck,” he breathed and put his forehead on yours, “Give in,”

“ _You_ give in,”

He rocked his hips again, but harder. You moaned louder than you wanted to, out of pure animalistic instinct.

“Give in, little angel,” Kylo demanded.

“Kylo, make m—"

Suddenly, Kylo’s lips were on yours, shutting you up.

Kylo’s lips on yours were soft. As you both inhaled in the kiss, time seemed to stop. It was one long kiss, making you forget almost everything. Where were you? Didn’t matter. What time was it? Who cares? Were you still mad about your phone? Maybe, but right now, you didn’t give a fuck about your phone or anything else.

After what felt like an eternity of waiting for that moment, you both pulled away and looked at each other. Your hands were still on his cheeks, but began to drift up to his hair, tucking away loose pieces and brushing it back. His hazel eyes were heavy-lidded, but you swore there was a hint of a sparkle as he looked down at you.

“I think you lost a little part of the game,” you whispered, staring up at his hair.

Kylo immediately squinted at you, “That is?”

“You kissed me. _You_ kissed _me_ ,” you were smirking now, “I think by tomorrow you’ll be begging to have me in your bed, Kylo,”

Kylo immediately shot up from the couch, away from you, realizing he lost himself a bit in the game he started. He looked at you with a stunned expression, as if he was trying to figure out how each moment happened…how he lost himself in you.

“Fuck this game,”

You stood, “You’re the one who started it!”

Kylo started to pick up the clothes on the floor, tossing yours at you while you caught them.

“Kylo, chill!” you yelled.

Kylo glared at you, his eyes blazing, “You’re so fucking difficult,”

“Me?? Is this a joke? Am I on a prank show?” you glanced up at the corners of his high ceiling, looking for cameras, “Where are the fucking cameras because I _know_ someone has to be recording this bullshit!”

“Goodnight,” Kylo spit and turned away, walking to his room on the other side of the apartment.

“Goodnight!” you stomped in the opposite direction, clothes in hand, to the hall with your room. You spent the rest of the night wondering how the fuck you managed to live at the same time, on the same Earth, in the same city, and be interested in that same stupid fucking TV as Kylo Ren.

You hated it.

**** Day Six. ** **

You really didn’t want to see Kylo today, but unfortunately you were stuck with him the whole day. To your surprise, he didn’t work Fridays in his office, wherever the fuck that was. It’s not like you’d know because he never gave you a definitive answer on where he worked.

You mustered up enough courage to leave your room at 8:30AM, your thick hair still a little damp from your shower. You smoothed out a white skirt you were wearing before arriving in the living room. Your bare feet walking on the black, granite floors were silent over the sound of crackling from the kitchen.

When you rounded the corner, you stopped dead in your tracks at the sight of Kylo, back turned to you, hovering over his stove cooking something.

“Hi,” you greeted dryly as you stepped beside him, leaning back against the counter, “Are you going to be psychotic again or should I just stay in that room all day avoiding you? You pick,”

You peeked down at what he was making.

Eggs and bacon.

And it looked _awful_.

“Howww did you manage to fuck up an egg? This looks like shit,” you laughed.

Kylo frowned, “To be honest, I don’t cook much,”

“No shit,”

He glared at you and continued, “ _But_ this is supposed to be a truce,”

“A truce?” your eyebrows raised in shock, “ _You_? A truce?”

Kylo pressed his lips together and slid you a mug full of coffee he already made for you, “Mhm. A truce,”

“Wait, a truce is supposed to mean that I did something wrong, too. What the fuck did I do?” you crossed your arms.

Kylo looked at your shirt—well, _his_ shirt on you, “A truce from the _game_ ,”

“Already? You just can’t handle it, right? It was all too much? You wanted me soooo bad?” you teased.

Kylo looked back at the pan and moved the food around a bit with his spatula, “Something like that, sure,”

“Okay,” you agreed.

Kylo replied, “Okay,”

“It’s settled then…a truce,” you stated.

Kylo smiled, “A truce,”


	7. sick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW/TW: there's vomiting in this one, not described in detail but there's vomit, nonetheless haha.

**** Day Six. ** **

Because Kylo went out of his way to make breakfast, you ate every piece of food on the plate even though it was absolutely terrible. You really didn’t know how this huge, adult man could mess up eggs, but he did. The taste was off and you practically chugged coffee in-between each bite to get the taste out of your mouth. It seemed Kylo wasn’t enjoying it either, his face scrunching up as he ate, but both of you finished, nonetheless. You were too nice to tell him it tasted awful and he was too stubborn to throw the food away and ask you to make something else for both of you.

It was kind of funny, too.

Kylo had to do a little bit of work from home, so while he was in the library, you stole a few pieces of paper and a pencil and began to doodle on them in the dining room. You wanted to see how many U.S. states you could draw from memory before looking it up and seeing if you were right. You were really fucking bored.

This went on for around an hour.

“Do you want to…watch something?” Kylo suddenly asked as he appeared around the corner.

You jumped in your chair after unsuccessfully drawing Texas from memory. It looked like a horrible blob.

“You scared me! God, you’re huge but sneaky,” you laughed and continued, “Um, but you only have cable,” you reminded him.

“Oh,” Kylo said, as if he didn’t know what was on his TV. You knew he never even fucking watched it, “Well,” he continued, “ _We_ could watch cable,”

“You want to watch _cable_?” you laughed, “I mean…okay,”

You got up from the table and tried to throw away your sketches until Kylo stopped you, taking the paper from your hands.

“What’s this?” he asked, inspecting it.

You sighed, “Exactly. I was trying to draw all of the states from memory. That one—” you pointed at a section of the paper, “—is supposed to be Texas,”

“Good, God,” he laughed.

“Just throw it away,” you groaned, embarrassed at your childish doodles. You walked over to the couch and sat down.

Kylo ignored you and set the paper on the counter. You reached for the remote and handed it to Kylo as he sat beside you, his big shoulders pressing against yours. He could have sat anywhere on the ginormous couches, but he chose to sit right next to you. You felt weirdly giddy about it.

Kylo took the remote and stared at the buttons for a while.

“Kylo,” you started, “Do you not know how to work a remote?”

He looked over at you and didn’t say anything. By the look on his face, you knew Kylo had no idea how to work this remote or this TV.

You laughed, “You’re such a—AGHHH, Jesus, Kylo,” you snatched the remote out of his hand and pressed the ‘power’ button as Kylo watched you, as if he were trying to learn how to do it himself.

As you flicked through the minimal channels, Kylo quietly confessed, “I never had a TV growing up,”

“Liar,” you rolled your eyes. Then, you noticed his plain expression, “Wait are you serious?”

“Dead,”

“Oh,” you furrowed your brow, “So, what did you do for like…entertainment?”

“Read. My parents weren’t really around, so I just read books all day,” Kylo said nonchalantly.

You frowned. That made you sad for him. You imagined a little Kylo, all alone, reading books to escape his reality. You wondered where he was from, if he had siblings, where his parents were now, what he does for work and how his upbringing shaped him to do what he does, but for now, you didn’t ask questions. You just flipped through the channels and said a small, “Oh,”

You landed on the only show of substance: a daytime soap opera.

“Kylo, are you sure you want to watch TV?” you giggled, “This is like, the only thing on right now,”

“Mhm,” he hummed, his eyes watching the screen intently.

“Okay,” you muttered and shifted a little on the couch, pressing slightly more into Kylo’s shoulder.

It was nice, sitting there with Kylo, watching a shitty TV show with corny dialogue and dramatic music. It was weird as fuck, but it felt nice to be next to him for a bit. You tucked your knees to your chest and brought your feet up on the edge of the couch.

After a few minutes, Kylo put his arm around you and held you closer to him. Sure, sexual attraction was there between the two of you. It had been from the beginning. You also had great chemistry, you figured…but you never really thought about if he _liked_ you. He liked you enough to not throw away your little doodles, to watch a shitty show just to sit next to you, and he liked you enough to put his _arm_ around you, like schoolkids.

Your heart was beating rapidly as you sat there with him, reeling in the affection he was giving you. That’s what this was, right? Affection? You figured it had to be.

Kylo’s hand on your shoulder pushed up the sleeve of his t-shirt on you (you stole like a billion at this point) and traced little circles on your skin. His hands were cold, but the feeling it was giving you was warm. You casually put your hand on his upper thigh, resting it there as you continued to watch the show, both of your eyes never leaving the screen, but your thoughts completely on each other.

The two of you didn’t do anything about it, though. You just kept the tension bottled inside.

After what felt like an hour or so, your stomach started to hurt…like really bad. You thought maybe it was just because the show was so cringy, making you physically nauseous, but after a bit, you realized something was up.

“I don’t feel well,” you groaned as your hand left his thigh and rested on your stomach, “I um, I think I need to lay down,”

You started to get up and walk around the couch in the direction of your room. You felt a little lightheaded and held onto the sides of the couch as you walked. It’s like everything hit you at once.

“Are you okay?” Kylo stood, walking to you, “Let me help you. Here,” he turned you around softly, “Stay in my room,”

“What? No, I think I’m like, sick. I don’t wanna make your room gross,” you argued.

Kylo didn’t care, “Come on,” he said, walking next to you and holding your waist, making sure you didn’t fall over.

When you got to Kylo’s room, he helped you into his bed. It felt weird, laying in a place Kylo usually did. With your head on his pillow, you realized how much it smelled like him and how it was incredibly soothing, almost taking your mind off of how bad your body was trying to sabotage you.

“Will you get me some of my pajama shorts?” you asked Kylo as he stood over you, “They’re in the closet in my room,”

“Sure,”

A moment passed and Kylo was back, holding some silky pajama shorts in his hand. You really didn’t want to wear those. You just wanted cotton pajama pants back, but you figured those would be better than sleeping in a skirt.

“Thanks,” you took them from Kylo and pulled off your skirt under the covers. You could tell Kylo didn’t know what to do, where to look, how to be. You kicked the skirt out from the bed and pulled on the shorts.

Kylo seemed weirdly shy as he asked, “Do you um, do you need anything?”

You rubbed your eyes and laid on your side, facing him, “I think I’m just going to try to sleep it off,”

Kylo sat on the edge of the bed, “Okay,”

“Are you…are you going to watch me sleep?” you laughed, wondering why he sat down.

“Oh, uh no,” Kylo stood, “I’m going to go. Just, uh, let me know if you need something,” he said awkwardly, stepping toward the door.

“Thanks,” you smiled.

He did a small wave and left the room, turning off the light as he left.

\--

This was not how you were expecting to spend your Friday. Saliva quickly pooled in your mouth as your eyes shot open and you sprinted to the bathroom where you puked for about twenty minutes. You were able to barely fall back asleep, but only for an a few minutes or so before you had to puke again.

After washing your face, crying a little from how much your throat burned, and taking a quick shower in his bathroom, you left Kylo’s room to look for him. When you shuffled to the living area, you saw him standing in the kitchen, leaning his arms on the counter, head hung.

“Hi,” you greeted, your voice raspy. Kylo picked his head up to look at you. His under eyes were dark and his face pale. You made a face, “You look like shit,”

Kylo frowned, “ _You_ look like shit,”

“I _feel_ like shit. I’ve thrown up twice,” you told him, “And I’m cold,”

Kylo motioned for you to come to him, so you groaned and stepped his way, holding your stomach. When you were in front of him, Kylo put his hand on your forehead, feeling your temperature. His eyebrows were furrowed, as if he were concentrating. Kylo then moved his hand to the back of your neck to feel you there.

“I think you’re running a fever,” he mumbled, “Shit, I think I’m sick, too. I feel awful,”

Your teeth started to chatter with how cold you were, “Ugh. Do you feel nau—”

Suddenly Kylo put his hand over his mouth and looked terrified, spinning around and puking in his large kitchen sink. His hands were gripping the edges of the sink and you heard little curses of pain leave his mouth. You stepped toward him and put your hand on his back, rubbing it to comfort him. This always helped when Nicky was in pain.

You thought about what the reason could be for the _both_ of you being sick. It had to be food related, you thought as you kept your hand on Kylo’s back. There was no fucking way the dinner you made last night could’ve made the two of you sick. Then, you remembered what Kylo made for breakfast and how bad it was.

“Kylo,” you started as he kept vomiting, “I think we’re sick because of whatever you made us for breakfast,”

“Fuck off,” he mumbled, offended, in the sink.

 _Asshole_.

Your hand quickly left his back, and despite how painful it was to stand up straight, you did and stomped to the fridge, looking for the eggs. When you found the carton, you pulled it out and inspected it. The eggs expired a month and a half ago. A whole ass month and a half ago. That’s why the eggs tasted so fucking awful.

You took a deep breath, trying to calm yourself instead of screaming at him for being such a dick to you a moment ago, and took the eggs out. As Kylo washed his mouth out in the sink, you stood next to him and shoved the carton in front of his face, making him look at the expiration date.

“ _You_ fuck off, Kylo,” you spit and turned around on your heel to throw away the eggs.

“Well, I’m SO sorry for making you breakfast, Angel!” he yelled across the kitchen.

You wondered how things always seemed to escalate so quickly between the two of you.

Fury blazed in your eyes as you yelled back, “I’m not mad about that! I was just TELLING you that’s where it was FROM! And don’t _call_ me that!”

Your stomach was starting to hurt like hell again, probably from how worked up you were getting. You held it and frowned at Kylo as he remained at the sink, holding his own stomach. His messy hair draped over his forehead as he stared at you, frowning too.

“Three more fucking weeks,” he muttered.

You felt your eyes water and your face scrunched up. Kylo was being mean and it was hurting your feelings. You’d normally have something quick to say back, but you didn’t. You just let a tear fall to your cheek before wiping it away and turning to walk to your room.

Kylo rushed over to you and pulled your arm, tugging you to him, “Wait, I didn’t mean that,”

One minute he was nice, the other minute he was awful. You couldn’t keep up and you didn’t want to try. Maybe it was because he didn’t feel good? You remembered how mean Nicky was after his accident. He was just so frustrated at the world. But…Kylo was just being a dick. Maybe he didn’t need to have a sickness to explain it away. He was just an ass through and through.

“Let me go,” you said sternly, looking at your wrist in his hand.

He didn’t let go.

“Kylo—”

He interrupted you, “Please just c—"

“Let me fucking _go_ ,” you hissed while aggressively pulling your arm away, not wanting to hear what he had to say. Once you were out of his grip, you turned around and didn’t bother looking at him. He didn’t say anything else or try to come after you as you went in your room and slammed the door shut behind you.

\--

You were becoming fairly familiar with how Kylo’s toilets looked when your face was pushed inside of it. A few hours after your little quarrel with Kylo, you were still in your room and puking after a good amount of sleeping more.

Then, there was a knock at the bedroom door.

“No, Kylo!” you yelled from the bathroom.

You heard the door open.

_Stubborn motherfucker._

“Kylo, I literally do not want to speak to you,” you groaned, your head still in the toilet.

Steps behind you told you he was now in the bathroom, standing behind you.

“Hi,” he said softly.

You sighed and wiped your mouth with some toilet paper, “Dude,” you turned around, “What do you want?”

You were surprised to see Kylo on his knees directly behind you, starting to gather your hair in his hands, holding it. You were mad at him but his nice gesture was making you feel tender for him again.

Kylo’s voice was still quiet as he asked, “Do you need to throw up again?”

“Maybe,” you frowned, “I’m not sure there’s anything left to puke up, though,”

With that, you felt your stomach shift and something coming up. Your head went right back into the toilet bowl and you waited to throw up as Kylo was still holding your hair. You felt his other hand on your waist, holding you.

Luckily, you didn’t throw up again, just dry-heaved until you felt a little better.

“Christ, this is miserable,” you mumbled, getting up off of the floor and stepping to the sink to brush your teeth and wash your face. For a moment, you forgot _he_ was sick, too. As you glanced at him in the mirror, you saw how sickly his face looked, even more than earlier. You assumed your face looked the same, you both looking like absolute shit.

Kylo stood at the door and leaned on the frame as he watched you in the big mirror. When you were done and patting your face dry with the white towel, you looked at him suspiciously, “You’re staring,”

“Come be miserable with me,” he said, holding out his hand.

You turned around to face him and leaned on the bathroom counter, “What do you mean?”

You secretly hoped he meant what you _thought_ he meant.

He stepped closer to you and took your hand, putting it in his, “Come be sick with me in my room…please,”

Kylo wanted your company.

You realized you wanted his, too.

“You were mean to me,” you crossed your arms, pulling your hand away from his.

Kylo ran his hand through his hair, “I’m sorry,”

“Wow, I didn’t know those words were in your vocabulary,” you said sarcastically.

“Please,” Kylo sighed.

Should you stay mad at him? Should he give you a better apology? Fuck it.

“Okay,” you agreed, your voice small.

When you got to Kylo’s room, you suddenly felt nervous. You weren’t nervous that anything sexual would happen, the both of you being sick as hell, but you were actually nervous something _more_ would happen as you and him were now in such close proximity, a few walls no longer separating you. You wondered what you’d do, what you’d talk about, if you’d sleep here, and more.

Kylo started to shiver and grabbed a throw blanket, holding it over himself. You figured he had a fever now.

“Sit on the bed, Kylo. Lemme feel your forehead,” you ordered.

Kylo sat on the bed and you stepped between his legs, pushing his hair to the side, away from his forehead. You placed the back of your hand on his head, then the nape of his neck, then reached barely under his shirt, feeling his back.

“You’re burning up,” you sighed, “Kylo, do you have Advil? I’m not a doctor but maybe that’ll help?”

“I don’t want to throw it up,” he tensed, “It’ll break soon. Yours did. I’ll be fine,”

You thought for a moment, feeling bad for him. Your whole body felt like shit, but at least you weren’t running a fever anymore…at least for _now_. You peeked at Kylo’s watch on his nightstand, checking the time.

“Holy fuck, it’s nine already??” you gasped at the watch, then put it down and looked at Kylo.

Kylo played with the ends of his t-shirt on you, “You slept for a long time,”

He looked so kind, so young, so sweet looking up at you as you stayed between his legs. You’d nearly forgotten about his coldness earlier as your hand went to his hair, tucking pieces behind his ears. Now that you were looking at him, his ears in full view, you realized you’d never really seen them before. They were cute. It made his intimidating demeanor soften, a bit. You guessed maybe that was why he always hid them.

Kylo shivered more and it broke your thoughts.

“Kylo, maybe _you_ should sleep now,” you told him, “I think I’m going to get a new book to read,”

Suddenly, he leaned his head into your chest and his big arms wrapped around your waist. Was he hugging you? Was he just exhausted and needed to lean on something? You stood there, frozen, and had your hands above him, not knowing what to do with them. You were just so shocked by his gesture.

“Stay,” he mumbled in your shirt.

“Stay?”

“Stay,” Kylo repeated.

You pursed your lips and felt your breathing fasten. It was stupid, but you really loved that he wanted you to stay. As his head was buried into your chest, you couldn’t help but think about how this cruel, sharp-tongued, secretive man was really just a big baby who maybe, possibly, slightly _liked_ you.

“Kylo,” you started, pushing his shoulders so that he would face you again, “Lie down, okay?”

Kylo took a deep breath and got into his bed, taking his throw blanket with him as he covered up. You turned to go sit in a nearby chair, after all, Kylo wanted you to stay in the room, until you heard him call your name from the bed.

You faced him again, “Are you okay? Do you need another blanket?”

Kylo patted a spot on the bed next to him but he didn’t say anything.

You bit your lip, knowing what he was silently asking, “Use your words, Kylo,”

“Come here,” he patted the bed again.

He wanted you to lay with him. To…sleep, maybe? Sleeping with someone seemed so much more intimate than the idea of sex. You felt yourself get nervous again as you nodded your head and walked to the bed, heart racing.

_It’s just sleep. He just wants company. You just want company. It’s just sleep._

You laid down and turned off his lamp. The room was now pitch black as you shifted under his covers, making sure not to touch him. You didn’t exactly know what to do. You wanted to be close to him, like you were earlier in the day on the couch, but you didn’t know if he wanted it. You didn’t know if you were thinking about it too much.

Turning on your side, facing the opposite direction as Kylo, you gave him a whispered, “Goodnight,”

He gave one back, and for a few moments, the air was thick with tension. Your breathing was still shallow as you thought about how Kylo was only a foot away from you.

“Are you cold?” you asked in the silence, rolling over to face him.

You heard Kylo swallow, “Yes,”

Your heart was beating fast and felt like it might come out of your throat from anxiety…or was it just because you were still sick? Honestly, at this point you really didn’t know. You went with anxiety.

“Do you—do you want me to come closer? To keep you warm?” you asked quietly. You didn’t know if that was weird or if that’s even what he wanted. You felt yourself getting insecure at the question you asked.

“Yes,” Kylo spoke, making your insecurities melt away.

“Okay. Um, here,” you rolled back over and scooted closer in the bed to him. You barely pressed your back on his chest, making Kylo’s breath sharpen ever so slightly. You took his arm and placed it over your side, “There. Um, am I warm enough?” you whispered.

You felt Kylo relax behind you as he pulled you closer, his arm on your stomach holding you near, his body fully pressed against yours.

“You’re so warm, little angel,” he whispered in your hair.

“Oh, good,” you whispered back.

You tried to relax your body, but you felt so tense…so aware of where you were, what you were doing, who you were with. You felt like if you relaxed, you'd melt and forget. You wanted to remember, so you stayed tense as Kylo found a way to nuzzle you closer to him, until you were practically infused together.

As you laid there, wide awake, you felt Kylo’s hand rest on top of yours. You nearly stopped breathing, the small action almost overwhelming you. After a moment, his fingers slowly grazed yours, touching you lightly. Affection.

You swallowed thickly and turned around again, facing Kylo. His arm stayed at your waist and pulled you close again. One of your hands rose up to his hair and pushed strands behind his ear again. You felt close with him, not physically, but in another way.

You thought Kylo felt the same way, too, when he pressed his forehead on yours, noses touching, eyes closed. The only sounds in the room were heavy breathing, rustling of blankets when he pulled your body closer again, and occasional soft sirens that passed by on the streets below.

Kylo exhaled deeply and brushed his lips on yours. He wasn’t trying to kiss you. He was just trying to be closer to you. You ran your hand along the side of his face, then stroked his jaw as Kylo reached his hand up the back of your shirt and rubbed up and down your back. Not sexual. Just affection.

You wished you could see his face, analyze his features, admire every detail, but it was too dark in the room. You just had to feel him for now. That was good enough.

It was a really long fucking day that started good, had a pretty rocky middle, but was ending really…perfectly. It made you want to cry. Not sad tears, not happy tears, just tears in general. It was all too much for one day.

After a while, Kylo’s hand movements slowed and his breathing became deep. You knew he was nearly asleep. You tucked your face into his chest, making Kylo rest his chin on the top of your head, allowing you both to be more comfortable.

You fell asleep not long after he did.

**** Day Seven. ** **

Kylo got up before you, leaving you alone in his big bed when you finally woke up. When you rolled out of his bed, a massive headache took over your whole skull.

“Fuuucckkkk,” you groaned, walking out of the room and across the apartment to your own. You held your head with one hand, stomach in the other and went to your room to brush your teeth. After you were done, you grabbed a throw blanket from the living room, because you were cold as fuck, and went to look for Kylo.

You poked your head in his library door and saw him sitting in front of his laptop, looking like he just got hit by a train.

“Hi,” you greeted, teeth chattering.

Kylo looked surprised to see you and shut his laptop, “I’m guessing you still don’t feel good?” he frowned and stood.

“No. My body hurts and I’m cold. I think I have a fever again,” you whined.

Kylo walked over to you and put his hands on his hips, “Do you want to watch…cable again? We don’t really have much else to do,”

“Sure,” you started to walk toward the living room, “Oh, what time is it?”

“Noon,” he replied behind you.

When you got to the couch, you laid down on it and groaned into the leather, “I slept for like…ever,”

“You didn’t miss much,” Kylo said from the kitchen. You didn’t know he went in there.

When Kylo came to the couch, he was carrying two glasses of water, “Here, we need to drink water,”

You sat up and took the glass from him as he sat beside you. After drinking some, you set it on his coffee table and gave him the remote, pointing at the power button. Kylo turned the TV on and a children’s cartoon show came on. You really didn’t give a fuck what was on, so you didn’t ask Kylo to change it.

You and Kylo watched the show for a few minutes before you heard Kylo say, “You can lay back down,”

You shrugged and scooted down the couch to a free part and started to lie down until Kylo gripped your ankle and tugged it, “No, you can lie over here,”

Eyebrows knitted together in confusion, you sat up and scooted back over. Kylo smiled ever so slightly and put his hand on the back of your head, lightly pushing down to his lap.

Oh.

Okay.

You let the rest of your body relax on the sofa and adjusted your blanket while you watched the cartoon. Kylo pulled a part of the blanket over your shoulder and rested his hand in your hair. A moment passed before he started to slowly twirl pieces between his fingers.

“Tell me why you’re doing this whole thing,” Kylo suddenly asked in the middle of the show.

“What ‘whole thing’?” you asked, turning your head in his lap to look up at him.

“What do you need the money for?”

You blinked a few times, wondering why he even cared, “Um, money controls everything. It’d be nice to have mo—”

Kylo interrupted you, “No. That’s not it. You’re good. You wouldn’t do this just to have money,”

You sat up and wrapped the blanket around you again, “I could,”

“But that’s not you,”

“And you know me?” you retorted.

Kylo turned his body toward you, “I think I know parts of you…but not all. That’s why I’m asking,”

You thought for a moment. You never really planned on telling Kylo about Nicky. Why would you? You just needed to get in and get out. You weren’t planning on doing much talking. But now, here you were.

“Someone very important to me needs it,”

Kylo nodded, “I see. Who?”

You sighed, “My brother, Nicky. Well, it’s Nicolas but we call him Nicky,”

“Why does he need the money?” Kylo probed.

You looked down at your lap, hands fidgeting, “He was in an accident and his hospital bills were a lot for my mom to pay so I wanted to help however I could,” you flicked your eyes up at Kylo, “Okay?”

“Is he okay?” Kylo asked. You were a little surprised at his concerned face. You wondered why he seemed to care at all. It’s not like any of this mattered in the long run, anyway.

“Um, kind of. It was a car wreck, and it was pretty bad…I mean he’s alive, but he’s paralyzed. So, that sucked for him to get used to,” you bit your lip and turned back to the TV, ending the conversation, “Anyway, yea that’s why I’m here, I guess,”

“I see,” you heard Kylo say.

As you watched a bit more of the cartoon, you thought about exactly what you were watching it on. This fucking TV.

“You know,” you started, “I was so mad about the TV because it was for Nicky. He can’t do a lot and I wanted to get him something nice. It was really all I could afford… _aannnddd_ he’s who I was talking about that I talked to nearly every day. That’s why I was so upset you took my phone,” you half-laughed.

Looking over at Kylo, you realized how your words came out. You didn’t mean to take a dig at him, but that’s just how it was. He really stole the TV you were trying to get for your little brother. Kylo’s face fell.

“Oh, Kylo…um, I can buy a way nicer one with the money I get at the end of the month. It turned out fine in the long run. And Nicky can go a while without talking to me…I think,” you tried to reassure Kylo, “Really, it’s fine, haha,”

Kylo wasn’t convinced.

“I didn’t—I didn’t know. I’m sorry. _Fuck_ ,” he quickly stood and pulled out his phone, dialing someone. Kylo walked away and disappeared into his study.

After a few minutes of wondering who he was talking to and what he was doing, Kylo came back and sat on the couch.

“What was that all about?” you asked, arms crossed.

“Nothing,” Kylo replied shortly.

You decided to leave it at that.

The rest of the day was spent drinking water, watching TV, looking out of Kylo’s big windows, down at the city, then eventually, standing in front of the fridge before you were going to bed. The fridge light lit the dark kitchen as you and Kylo looked inside.

“I’m nervous,” he said.

“Me too,” you replied.

You and Kylo were about to eat something for the first time all day.

“What if we throw up again?” you thought out loud, “We haven’t puked all day,”

“I know…but we still feel sick so I think there’s a chance we might puke,” Kylo replied, eyes on the items in the fridge.

You sighed, “Nothing even looks appealing. I’m just crazy hungry,”

“Me too,”

“Should we?” you peeked up at him.

“Let’s just start out with bread…don’t you think?” Kylo asked, shutting one of the fridge doors.

You shut the other one, “I think that’s a good idea,”

You and Kylo took two slices of bread each and nibbled slowly on them, not wanting to spark anything in your stomachs. You were both leaning on the kitchen counter, standing next to each other.

“I think I feel okay,” you told Kylo, finishing the last of your bread.

“That’s good,” he said, “I feel okay, too,”

You nodded, “Oh, good,”

Silence cased over the kitchen.

“Well, I think I’m going to bed…um, goodnight, Kylo,” you smiled politely, then pushed yourself off the counter, stepping away.

You thought maybe Kylo would stop you when he saw you were going in the direction of your room, but he didn’t. He let you go, to sleep alone in your room. You wanted him to call your name, asking you to ‘be sick with him’ in his room again, but he didn’t. You just left and slept alone tonight. 


	8. the ending isn’t going to go how you think.

**** Day Eight. ** **

“Tell me why you got that TV,” you said, crossing your arms, “Why’d you want it so bad?”

You and Kylo were tired, cranky, sick, and bickering again after you woke around 11AM.

“Just to torture you, Angel,” he smiled and sipped his water as you glared at him from across the kitchen.

“I’m serious, Kylo. And don’t call me that,” you replied, sipping your own water.

Kylo sighed, “I’m serious,”

“What?” you asked, stepping toward him.

Kylo leaned back on the counter and ran a hand through his hair, “I saw you looking frantically for it…and I wanted to mess with you,”

_Absolute sociopath._

“You bought it only to fuck with me? Wait, why were you even there? Did you follow me? Did you know me befo—”

“ _No_ ,” he said sternly, “I was there to buy something for a coworker’s kid. I just…I just thought you were pretty and I wanted to have fun,”

The way he was speaking made it seem like getting the words out was literal torture for him.

“What was the end goal??” you asked furiously. It was fine he had the TV now, after all, you were about to come into some serious money, but the fact that he did that just to…fuck with a random girl was upsetting.

“Nothing. No goal,” he said shortly.

“You’re awful,” you rolled your eyes.

Kylo bit the inside of his cheek, “I know,”

“Tell me why you don’t drink,” you suddenly demanded.

He squinted at you, “No,”

“Yes,”

“ _No_ ,”

You set your water down on the counter and crossed your arms, “If you want me to speak to you for the rest of the month, tell me,”

“It’s personal,”

“I’m sure it is,” you agreed, “Tell me anyway,”

“Why?” he asked, shaking his head.

“Because I want to know. You got to fuck with me at that store for fun and I get to ask about this,” you explained.

It seemed like he was pulling teeth to get the words out, “I used to drink a lot at a time for a long time. I choose not to anymore,”

“You were an alcoholic…?” you half-asked.

Kylo ran his hands through his hair again, “If that’s what you want to call it, sure. I was a mess for a long time. I gave it up a while ago. I just keep it around for others,”

You frowned, “You shouldn’t keep it around,”

“I know,”

You thought for a moment, “Do you want to get rid of them? The bottles?”

“Isn’t that a bit dramatic?” he scoffed.

It felt like he was making fun of you, thinking you were naïve, viewing you as a child. Your idea was dumb to him. You didn’t know why, but it hurt. What he said wasn’t explicitly mean, but you felt hurt by it for some reason, as if you were slowly caring what he thought about you…how he viewed you.

“Sorry,” you whispered, turning around.

Kylo called your name, making you look back at him.

“I shouldn’t keep them around, should I?” he asked you, his face soft.

“It’s up to you,” you said casually, turning back around and walking away.

Then, you heard a cabinet open and bottles being placed on the counter. You looked back at Kylo. He was taking every bottle out of the wine rack cabinet. He was going to get rid of them.

“Get the liquor from up in that one and bring it over,” he pointed above you at another cupboard.

“Okay,”

When you gathered all of them and set them on the counter, you and Kylo surveyed all of the alcohol.

“Christ, Kylo. This is a lot,” you muttered.

“I know,” he said, surprised, as if he didn’t know how much he had, “Do you want any before it’s gone?”

You glanced up at him, “Kylo, I told you the other day. If you don’t drink, I won’t. Let’s just get rid of it,”

Soon after, you began to pour bottle after bottle down the sink, tossing the empty ones in a big garbage bag.

“So, you just quit one day? Cold turkey?” you asked Kylo, curiously. He intrigued you. There were so many layers to him you were slowly unpeeling.

“Sort of,” he said casually, watching the liquid go down the drain, “Someone helped me,”

“Who?”

He tossed a bottle in the trash, “My boss,”

“Oh, that’s nice,” you smiled, “You have a really good support system,”

“I guess,”

There was a bit of silence as you and Kylo kept pouring. He had a hell of a lot of alcohol.

Then, in the silence, Kylo spoke, “You remember I told you a little about my parents?”

“Mhm,” you hummed, wondering where he was going with this and why he was opening up so suddenly.

“I drank a lot because of them,”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” you bit your lip, “Family is hard,”

“Hard is right,” he agreed.

Nothing else was said for the rest of the time in the kitchen as you discarded the alcohol.

\--

You didn’t see Kylo much for the rest of the day. He retreated to the library and you felt a little awkward, thinking maybe you overstepped earlier, asking him to throw all of his alcohol away. You let him be alone for a couple hours as you stayed in your room and stared at the ceiling. Your body still felt like shit, so laying down was a really great option.

There was a soft knock on your door, so you sat up and told Kylo he could come in.

“Hi,” he said softly, walking to your bed.

“Hi,” you greeted him back, feeling shy.

Kylo looked at your bed, “Can I sit?”

“Sure,”

He sat down and just looked at you for a moment.

“What’s up?” you asked, breaking the silence.

You could tell he was nervous. He was picking at his nails as he sat there.

“You’re very kind,” he spoke, “Thinking of that, earlier,”

You smiled politely, “I was just trying to think of you…having it around might be hard and you shouldn’t have to look at it every day. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice part of yourself to make someone else comfortable, you know? I dunno, it wasn’t really that k—”

“You’re very kind,” he insisted.

Heart eyes. You had full heart eyes for Kylo, right now.

“You’re very kind, too,” you scooted toward him on the bed, “Except for the whole sociopathic tendencies with girls at stores, you’re really kind, Kylo,” you giggled, “I think you’re kinder than you know. You do little things for me. Did you know that? I’ve noticed how kind you are,” you reached up and brushed his hair behind his ear.

“I like your ears so much,” you thought out loud. You quickly put your hands over your mouth, embarrassed, “Oh my God. Oh my God,” your hands fell over your eyes now, hiding yourself, “Oh God, sorry,”

You wondered if his balcony had a diving board.

Kylo took your hands and slowly brought them away from your face. A hint of a smile was over his lips as he scooted even closer to you.

“Close your eyes,” he swallowed.

“C-Close my eyes?”

He nodded, “Let me touch your face like you touched mine the other day,”

You giggled and rolled your eyes, “Oh shut up. You already know my age, Kylo,”

His face was serious, “I know,”

Maybe he just wanted to touch your face.

Your heart raced as you nodded and closed your eyes, letting his hands cup the sides of your face. You felt him brush your hair behind you ears, then did what you did the other day. One of his hands stayed on your face, holding it, as the other grazed up the side of your cheek to your forehead, going over your small lines.

“You’re so young,” he whispered.

“So are you,” you whispered back, eyes still closed, feeling every touch of his.

Kylo trailed his fingers down your nose, then over to your invisible smile lines. Instead of skipping your lips like you did to him the other day, he grazed his fingers over your lips, lightly feeling how soft they were.

Your eyes slowly opened and looked at Kylo. You wanted to lean forward and kiss him, but you were both still sick. The look in his eye told you that maybe he wanted to kiss you, too.

You gave him a small smile. You liked kind Kylo so much.

Kylo broke your eye contact and pulled something out of his pocket, holding it in front of you for you to take, “Call your brother,”

It was your phone.

You grinned so fucking wide and took the phone, “Really?”

Kylo nodded, then stood up.

“Thanks, Kylo,” you smiled, holding the phone to your chest, practically hugging it, “I’ll give it back when I’m done,”

He nodded again, then left.

You quickly searched your contacts for Nicky, then rung him.

“ _Hello_?”

“Hi, Nicky! How are you? My phone is kind of broken. It goes in and out, so I don’t think I’ll be able to talk much. I’m getting it fixed at the end of the month,”

You hated lying but you had to do what you had to do.

“ _Oh, that’s okay. I’ve been wondering what you’ve been up to_ ,”

“Yea, it’s chill here. How are you?”

“ _I’m good_ ,”

“How’s mom?” you probed.

“ _Good_ ,”

“Oh, that’s good…I miss you. I can’t wait to see you in a few weeks,”

“ _Me too_ ,”

“How are the appointments?”

“ _They suck_ ,”

“I’m sorry…how are you progressing?”

“ _I don’t know. I’m just really tired after every appointment. I never remember much_ ,”

“Have they said anything about if you might be able to—”

You heard him sigh on the other end.

“Sorry, Nicky. I don’t mean to stress you out. I know it’s a lot,”

“ _It is…I hate it_ ,”

Your poor, baby brother. Your heart broke every day for him.

“Hey, your birthday is coming up. Are you excited to be sixteen?”

“ _No_ ,”

“Why?”

“ _It’s not like I can drive_ ,”

“Nicky, you can still drive _some_ day. People can still drive with limited movements, you know,”

“ _Maybe…I don’t really want to drive anyway_ ,”

The wreck he had with your mom really messed him up emotionally, as expected. He was the only one hurt and his trust in cars was really shaken.

“Well, does it make you feel any better knowing I’ll be there on your birthday?” you smiled.

“ _Yeah, I can’t wait to see you_ ,”

“Okay, good. I can’t wait to see you too, Nicky. I love you so much. I can try to call in a week or so but…it just depends on my phone, okay?”

“ _Okay_ ,”

“I love you,”

“ _I love you more_ ,”

“Okay…well, I’ll let you go. Bye Nicky. Tell mom I said hi,”

“ _I will. Love you. Bye_ ,”

When you hung up the phone, your stomach twisted. You wanted to hug Nicky so bad. His situation sucked and you wanted to fix it for him. For now, this was his reality until doctors could positively tell him whether or not he could walk again. It wasn’t looking like he would, though.

You blinked back tears and stood, taking your phone to Kylo who was sitting in the library.

“Hi. Thanks for letting me call him. I think he was happy to talk to me. If it’s okay, I’d like to call him every Sunday while I’m here,” you handed your phone to Kylo.

“Sure,” he agreed, taking it from you.

“Okay…well, I think I’m going to go to bed,” you smiled, hoping he’d ask you to stay with him, “My head kinda hurts,”

Kylo leaned back in his chair, “Goodnight,”

Damn. He wasn’t gonna ask you to stay with him again. You were slightly annoyed and tried to hide your frown. You gave another polite smile even though you were disappointed, then left the library.

**** Day Nine. ** **

You couldn’t sleep, so you stepped out of your room to the kitchen to get water. When you saw the microwave clock, you noticed it was 3:48AM.

 _Great_.

You got a glass of water and started to walk back to your room until you saw a figure standing at the big windows in Kylo’s living room.

“YO!” you screamed throwing the water in the glass at whoever it was, “KYLOOOOO!!” you yelled out for him.

“Little angel, what the fuck!”

Oh. It was Kylo.

Ha.

You ran to a light switch and flicked it on, staring at Kylo who’s shirt was a little wet. Most of the water was on the floor, missing him.

“Oh my God, I thought you were an intruder or something,” you said apologetically, stepping to the kitchen to get a few paper towels.

As you wiped up the water, Kylo crossed his arms, “You thought water would melt a robber?”

You rolled your eyes and went to throw away the paper towels, then walked back over to him, “What are you doing in the dark anyway you freak?” you were a little annoyed with him for not asking you to stay in his bed again tonight, so the sass was strong, “Did you not hear me in the kitchen? Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I was kind of zoned out,” he rubbed his mouth and looked back at the windows. The glare from the light was blocking the view, so he went and turned the light off, leaving you and Kylo in the dark again.

“Okay…well, I’ll let you get back to whatever vampire shit you’re doing,” you turned on your heel to leave, but Kylo grabbed your wrist and tugged you to him, making you stand beside him and look out into the city.

“Kylo, come on,” you tried to shake away but he stood behind you now, holding you still. His chin rested on the top of your head and his arms wrapped around your waist.

“Little angel, you attack me with water and you can’t even stand with me for one moment?” he tsk’d above you.

“Fine,” you groaned, “I’m looking at the view for one minute then going back to _my_ room,”

It was silent for a second and you couldn’t help but rest your hands on his that were on your stomach, holding you. You convinced yourself that you only put them there because it was more comfortable than awkwardly putting them at your side.

“Kylo, it’s been a mi—"

“Shhh, just pretend for a moment, little angel,” Kylo whispered in the dark room as the two of you looked out into Manhattan, lights from the city twinkling.

“Pretend what?” you scoffed.

“Pretend we’re married,”

_PARDON?_

“Absolutely not,”

Kylo continued, “We’re married and we’ve just put our kids to bed,”

“It’s nearly 4AM and I doubt you like kids very much,” you shot back, the two of you going back and forth, your eyes on the city.

“I’m very good with children,” he replied.

You smiled, “Oh right, ‘cause you’re still one, yes?”

“Maybe,”  
  


It was quiet for a moment, small sirens from below filling the silence. You wanted to hear a little more of what Kylo was saying, so you spoke.

“…okay, so what else?”

“Hmm,” Kylo thought, “We’re standing here and we’ve just put them to bed and it’s our first time getting a chance to be alone,”

“I don’t like where this is going,” you lied.

“And we’re looking out at the city,”

“Mhm,” you encouraged him to go on.

He continued, describing the scenery, “We’re looking at how the lights twinkle on the Brooklyn Bridge, how the cars’ lights flicker on the rainy streets, how the buildings in Manhattan are half on, half off at this hour,” he said, then paused.

His chin lifted from the top of your head, “But then I spin you around,”

“Oh!” you squeaked as he spun you.

Kylo put one of his hands on your waist, the other in your hand and held it up, “And we start to dance a little,”

“I’m not a good dancer,” you swallowed, realizing that Kylo wasn’t teasing anymore. He was really trying to dance.

“I’ll help you,” Kylo dipped his head down and touched the tip of your nose with his.

“Kylo…”

“Shh, little angel. Just pretend,”

You suddenly backed up, stepping away from Kylo, your stomach shifting, “Kylo, I think I might throw up on you. You spun me too fast,”

His face went from sweet to concerned, “Oh, um, here,” Kylo walked next to you and held your side, taking you to his room.

“Kylo, I don’t have to stay with you if you don’t want me to,” you suggested as you walked with him, “Like, it’s really fine. I mean, have you even puked? I don’t want to be the only one sick. I can stay in my own ro—”

“Shut the fuck up,” he chuckled, opening his door, “Come on,”

A few moments later, you were dry heaving in his toilet again, Kylo holding your hair.

“I hate this,” you cried, “This is so embarrassing,”

“Why is it embarrassing?”

You turned around and gave him a look, “I’m dry heaving in your toilet, Kylo,”

“You’re a human, yes?”

You rolled your eyes and put your head back in the toilet, “Unfortunately. I wish I was a robot like you. I bet you didn’t even throw up food, just bolts and screws,”

“Hot head,” Kylo pulled on your hair, “Be nice,”

“Sorry,” you muttered.

Once you were done puking up absolutely nothing, you stood at Kylo’s bed. Kylo was standing on the other side, about to get in. It felt awkward, both of you standing there. You didn’t know why it felt so technical tonight, maybe because you were getting in at the same time…how planned it was. You bit your lip and laid down, pulling the covers over yourself.

“Um, I’m just gonna sleep here so you can make sure I’m okay, right? Not choking on my own vomit?” you asked nervously as Kylo turned off a lamp and got in next to you.

He shifted in the bed, “Yea, just to make sure one of us doesn’t die in our sleep,”

You were laying on your back, body tense, not know how to fucking relax. Last night, Kylo was cold, making it easier to excuse sleeping with him. Tonight, you and Kylo had to find your own excuses just to lay by each other.

“Okay,” you whispered.

“Okay,” he said back to you. Kylo’s hand slid across the bed, over your stomach, to your waist and pulled you next to him, moving you to where you were laying on your side now, him spooning you like last night.

“It’s better we’re closer so if anything happens, you can help me faster,” he whispered in your hair.

“I think that’s a good idea,” you backed up into him, making a home for yourself in him.

“Good,”

“Good,” you said back.

More silence.

You spoke in the quiet, “I feel a lot better…I think the dry heaving helped somehow,”

Ew.

“Me too…I’m not going to work tomorrow, though. I’m calling in sick,” Kylo told you.

“Oh, okay…I guess I’ll just have to deal with you for another whole day, then,” you teased.

Kylo smiled in your hair, “I guess you will,”

Silence cased over the room, again.

“Hey,” Kylo said nervously.

“Yea?”

“What if you stayed in here…the rest of the month?” he suggested.

There was really nothing you wanted to do more than to fall asleep next to him every night for the rest of the month, bickering with him, laughing with him, talking to him. He couldn’t see you smile, but that’s what you were doing, smiling.

“That was weird, um, you don’t have to stay here,” he quickly took it back, “Um, you can go back tomorrow when we’re not sick. Sorry,”

“Kylo,” you turned around to face him, “I’ll stay…for the month, I mean. The company is, uh well the company is nice, you know?”

Kylo nodded slowly.

“Goodnight, Kylo,” you mumbled, burying your head in his chest.

“Goodnight,” Kylo spoke softly. His breathing shifting from nervous to even _more_ nervous. Something seemed uneasy about him as he wrapped his arm around you, holding your back.

“Are you okay?” you questioned him, head still on his chest.

Kylo cleared his throat, “I’m fine,”

“Okay,”

“Okay,” he said back.

It was hard to sleep for the rest of the night, but you eventually did drift off, letting dreams take over your wandering mind.

\--

You woke around 8AM, feeling so much better. Your body didn’t hurt anymore, your stomach was at ease, and color was finally back at your face. You took a quick shower in your own bathroom, then put on fresh clothes. It felt so good to be at 100% again.

Because the two of you were finally able to eat food again, you made breakfast. You made sure Kylo had nothing to do with cooking any food for the next few days, at least, not while he was left unsupervised.

After breakfast, Kylo needed to work a bit, so he went to the library and sat at the desk with his laptop, typing away. You decided you didn’t want to be alone or watch anymore Judge fucking Judy for the week, so you brought in a nice pillow and set it on the library floor. You laid on your back, book stretched out above you, and read for the rest of the morning in the company of Kylo.

Every now and again he’d ask how far you were in the book or you’d ask him how his work was going. There’d be small back and forth, then a comfortable silence would follow for a while. This went on for an hour and a half before Kylo decided he was done working.

He rose from his chair and reached his arms up, stretching. You were starting to sit up when Kylo told you to stay. You made a face but laid back down and put the book on your chest, watching him. Kylo stepped toward you and began to sit down next to you.

“Um,” you started.

Kylo tugged at the pillow, making sure there was room for his head too, and he laid back next to you, his hands on his stomach. You turned your head to face him as you laid on the floor in the library, next to Kylo.

“Are you tired or something?” you asked with a confused tone.

“No,” he said matter-of-factly, staring up at the ceiling, “Keep reading. Tell me when you’re on the last four pages,”

“Um, okay. Give me like ten minutes. I think I have a few more pages left but I’m nearly there,”

You were a little lost with what his goal was and why he was lying next to you and asking you to read, but you kept reading anyway, putting the book above you again and getting lost in the text. Kylo stayed next to you, never looking over, and remained quiet as you read until the last four pages.

“Okay, last four pages, Kylo,” you said, nudging his shoulder that was pressed against yours.

He nudged you back and closed his eyes, “Read them out loud,”

“Out loud?”

“Out loud,” he confirmed.

You pressed your lips together and looked back at the book, “Uh, okay,”

You read the last four pages of _War and Peace_ , Kylo listening beside you. When you turned the page, Kylo’s hand that was resting on his stomach moved down to your white flowy skirt and began to play with the ends. He wasn’t trying anything, just playing with the fabric between his fingers as you read to him.

You had to admit how much you were growing on each other, even only after a week of really being with him. It felt so fast, but how could it not? You were with him all the time. Especially after this weekend, it was getting hard to ignore how you felt.

You were finally to the end, the last sentence of the book rolling off of your tongue. You laid there for a moment, holding the book up, blinking at it, “Wait, it’s just over? That ending was weird,”

“I know,” he smiled, Kylo’s eyes still closed.

“I guess I wasn’t expecting that. It felt like…realistic. Like it wasn’t quite a happy ending and it wasn’t quite a bad one, you know?”

Kylo agreed, “Mhm. That’s why I like it so much. The ending isn’t going to go how you think,”

“I like endings that are happy,” you thought out loud, “Like, ones that you can expect…ones that put you in a good place,”

“That’s not life,” Kylo scoffed.

You rolled your eyes, “Maybe not, but if I can read a happy ending to distract from real life, I feel good,”

“But you liked this one, yes?” he looked over at you.

“Yes, I did. Thanks for letting me read it. I wonder how many other books I’ll read while I’m here,” you smiled and sat up. Kylo’s fingers fell from your skirt as he grabbed the book and stood, placing back where it belonged on the shelf.

Kylo then walked over to you and held his hand out for you to take, helping you up.

“Thanks,” you smiled and picked up the pillow, “I stole this from your room so I’ll just go put it back,”

After you put his pillow back on his bed, you made your way to the kitchen to get a glass of water. As you sipped, your mind wandered off in thought. Kylo was being awfully nice today and you realized his gesture in the library of having you read to him and lying on the floor next to you made you feel something. You wanted more than just to have him kiss and touch you. You wanted to lie next to him. You wanted him to mindlessly play with the end of your skirt. You wanted to read with him. You wanted to be in the same room as the two of you did your own thing. You wanted to be around him.

But also right now, you really wanted him to fuck you and you figured you’d make it known.

You finished your water and ran to your room, putting on a little bit of blush, pulling your skirt up so it was barely covering your ass, and twisting the extra fabric of Kylo’s shirt on you in a ball to the side. You brushed through your hair and put on chapstick before smirking your way back to the other side of the apartment.

Kylo was still in the library, looking at books on the shelves. You stepped in front of him, breaking his gaze from the books, “Hi. What do you want to do today?”

“Um,” Kylo took in your appearance, “Hi,”

“Hi,” you leaned back on the bookcase, “Soooo…what do you want to do today?” you repeated yourself.

Kylo’s eyes drifted down to your skirt, “Little angel, what do _you_ want to do today?”

Butterflies were everywhere in your stomach from the way Kylo was looking at you. You knew exactly what you wanted to do today and _who_ you wanted to do. You were so glad the physical tension was back now that the both of you were no longer ill.

You reached out and grabbed at Kylo’s t-shirt, tugging him softly towards you, “I don’t know. Can you help me find something to do?” your voice was low and you were filled with need.

Kylo pressed you against the bookcase and wrapped his big hand around your neck, angling you up to look at him, “Give me an idea, little angel,” he smirked.

“It’s been such a nice day, already,” you mentioned quietly. You snaked your hand between both of your bodies and hooked your fingers in his pant waistline, feeling his warm skin against yours. You heard him give a controlled exhale as he felt every touch of your delicate hands.

“We’ll see how long the day lasts,” he said casually, taking the bottom of your skirt and putting his hand underneath it, grazing his fingers up your thigh.

You swallowed, needing more of his touch, “You’re right. You always ruin it,” you smirked.

“Me? You’re the _hot head_ ,” Kylo remarked, moving his hand slowly upward until he reached your cunt. This was only the second time he’d touched you there, making you sigh.

“Oh—Oh my God,” you moaned in a hushed voice, “Kylo,”

He chuckled and stroked his middle finger over your clothed slit, “Little angel, you’re so sensitive to my touch,”

You screwed your eyes shut and tried to control your breathing, “Y-Yes,”

“I’ve barely touched you yet,” you heard him say, a smile probably on his face, “Do you want me to touch you more, little angel?”

“God, yes,” you moaned without hesitation.

His finger grazed over your again, “And you want me to help you find something to do today, hm?”

Your eyes were still closed as you hummed, “Mhm,”

Kylo’s hand left under your skirt and his body was no longer pressed against yours. Your eyes shot open, confused.

A book was outstretched in front of you.

“You can start another book today,” Kylo said proudly, “I’ve found something for you to do,”

Your jaw dropped and anger built up in your body, “I thought we were done with this stupid game, Kylo,”

He cocked an eyebrow, “You asked me to find something for you to do. I did,”

You were frustrated, your facial expression telling him just how you felt.

Kylo reached up and took a piece of your hair, twirling it between his fingers, “You’re pretty when your flustered,”

He said that to you when he took your TV.

“You’re an asshole,”

Kylo smiled and stepped closer to you, dropping the book on the ground in the process, “Beg for me to touch you since you want it so bad,”

You pushed yourself off of the bookcase and stepped toward him, too. Your bodies were pressed together again, this time, anger accompanying your attraction. You slid your hand up his torso, to his chest.

“ _You_ should be begging for _me_ to touch you, Kylo,” you said matter-of-factly and shifted your hips forward, pressed your body more onto his cock that you could feel was hard against your lower stomach.

With that, Kylo grabbed your face with both hands and backed you up until you slammed against the bookcase wall. It hurt a little, but it also felt good. You’d never felt physical pain along with sexual desire. You liked the feeling.

Kylo’s breaths were fast as he looked down at you, almost in thought of what his next move was. His eyes were clouded with lust and you could hear his heart pumping fast in the room, yours beating just as loud.

You panted, “Kylo—”

Kylo kissed you, hard. His kiss wasn’t like the other night. This one was feral, aggressive, _needy_. Your first _real_ kiss with Kylo. You met him with the same intensity. You stood on your tiptoes, heels against the wall, and wrapped your arms around his neck as Kylo’s arms were around your waist. You were both clawing at each other, a week’s worth of tension finally being released.

His lips were soft and wet as they devoured yours. Kylo’s tongue slipped in your mouth and found yours, twisting with it. As he kissed you, Kylo pressed you harder against the wall until you thought you were nearly glued to it.

There was no time to breathe as Kylo kissed you, both of you working so fast against each other. You found yourself taking loose, loud breaths each time you turned your head, but it was barely enough to keep your lungs satisfied. You didn’t care. You could die right there from lack of oxygen if it meant you got to kiss him.

Kylo started to pull your skirt up and you got the message. While you kept kissing, you reached up your skirt and hooked your fingers in the band of your panties, flicking them down and kicking them off.

“Little angel,” Kylo mumbled between kisses, “I bet you feel so good,”

You moaned in his mouth, then started to unbuckle his belt.

“I bet you feel like home,” he whispered against your lips as he tugged your shirt up and off of your body.

You unbuttoned his pants and zipped down on the zipper. Kylo’s hands took over and freed his cock from his jeans and boxers. You looked down, wide-eyed, at how big he was. You wanted all of him in you.

“Oh my God,” you mumbled.

Your eyes flicked back up at him and you kissed him again as he lifted you from the back of your thighs and pushed you against the wall of books so you straddled him in the air. Your hands ran through his thick hair and tugged on the strands as he dipped his head down to your neck, sucking violently on you.

“Birth control?” he mumbled into your skin.

“Y-Yes, they made me get the implant in my arm,” you breathed.

“Good,” Kylo faced you again and held you up with one hand while the other moved his cock to between your legs, ready to push inside of you.

You felt his tip barely touch you, making you whimper, “Kylo,”

Kylo was looking into your eyes as he held himself there, not yet doing anything. You both were panting and waiting.

Then, something in Kylo’s expression changed. His eyes that were lustful turned soft…sad, maybe? It was as if he was realizing something.

“Kylo,” you started, “Wh—"

“Not like this,” he swallowed, his jaw tensing.

You knitted your brow, “What?”

“Not like this,” Kylo repeated.

“Not like what?”

He blinked a few times, “Like this,”

“Use your _fucking_ words,” you demanded desperately.

Kylo took one of your hands that cupped his face and brought it to his lips, kissing your palm, “Not here,” he said softly.

“Then take me somewhere else. You said I was your toy when I got here. You can have me wherever you want, Kylo,” you were confused. You thought this was what he wanted. You thought this was what _you_ wanted, too.

“No, it’s not—”

“Kylo, I don’t understand. Don’t you want me?” your cheeks started to heat and lump formed in your throat. You made him release you, now standing on your feet, your legs shaking.

Kylo put his cock back in his boxers and adjusted his pants then his hands grabbed your shoulders as he explained, “Yes, I do. Just not—”

“Just not what?”

It seemed like it took everything for him to say, “Like _this_ ,”

“Like this as in you don’t want me…physically in this way?” you asked quietly, feeling like a fool. Tears pricked your eyes as you convinced yourself he didn’t want to fuck you.

“No, no. I _do_ …I just want to—” he cut himself off and stopped speaking.

It was silent for a moment.

“You don’t want me,” you said softly.

“You don’t _want_ me,” you repeated.

Kylo tried to speak, but you continued, “You _don’t_ really want me, _do_ you? You just wanted to tease me because you’re cruel,” you thought out loud, “What, did you set your mind to it after the TV thing? Did you find my name or something and realized I’d be at that gala with Hux? You know him, right? You could’ve done your research. So what, you bought me just to hurt my feelings for a month?”

You didn’t even know if the words coming out of your mouth were making any sense, but you were already on a roll and tears were falling down your face.

“You just touch me to fuck with me? You just do nice things to fuck with me? You’re still playing your game because you don’t want me like that at all, right? You just want to _watch_ me want you,” you told him, fully crying now.

You shook yourself out of his grip on your shoulders and moved past him, picking your panties and shirt up from off of the floor. Kylo grabbed your arm as you tried to leave the library, but you pulled it back, out of his grasp. Kylo called your name and told you to wait, but you didn’t turn around. When you were at the door, arms wrapped around your waist and pulled you backward.

You kicked at Kylo, telling him to stop while he tried to shush you. He laid you on the floor and hovered over you. You started to cry more and slapped his chest with your hands over and over, “Kylo,” you sobbed, “Please just leave me alone!”

He pinned your hands to the side of your head.

Kylo was breathing fast through his nose as he looked down at you, apologetically, “Please stop crying,” he said as he dipped his head down and rested his forehead on yours. You didn’t know why he was doing this to you. You didn’t understand his need to hurt you in such an intimate way, telling you he didn’t want you only to put his forehead on yours, disguising himself as someone who cared for you.

After a moment, you stopped crying and he released your hands, “What do you _want_?” you asked, exhausted, “Kylo, it’s been a week. Are you not going to…” you stopped yourself.

He _had_ to want you. You felt it. Was it you? Should you be different? Did he not like how much he was getting to know you? You felt the insecure words fall out of your mouth before you could really even register what you were saying.

“Kylo, tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it. I’m sorry I joke around too much. I don’t have to do that anymore, Kylo. Just please, Kylo,” you started to cry again. You were so desperate for him on so many levels. You wanted to be close with him physically and emotionally, not caring what parts of yourself you had to throw away.

You were going to beg for him.

“Kylo, please. This is me begging,” you sniffled, “This is what you wanted, right? Please Ky—”

His hand sealed your mouth closed, as he stared down at you. His expression was tired and sad as he pressed his forehead on yours again.

  
“No begging. I don’t want that, anymore,”

You tried to speak but his hand was still over your mouth, stopping you.

“Shut. the fuck. up,” Kylo demanded exhaustedly.

You nodded and took his wrist in your hand, slowly moving his hand off of your mouth. You wanted him to explain, to tell you that you weren’t crazy, to clarify what he meant if you were getting it wrong, but he never did. Kylo didn’t speak, you kept your word about shutting the fuck up, and he stayed on you for a while, forehead on yours, not saying anything.

You were still so mad at him, though. His silence was killing you.

You wiggled out from underneath him after a while and he didn’t try to stop you. When you stood and got to the door, Kylo was sitting up, back against the bookcase wall, staring at you.

“I don’t really want you to talk to me for a while,” you said, chewing on the inside of your cheek, “Please don’t come to my room,”

Wasn’t he going to try and stop you again? Wasn’t he going to finally explain himself?

“Okay,” Kylo said softly.

Disappointment washed over you, “Okay,” you copied him, voice cracking.

Kylo swallowed thickly, “Okay,”

You were both so tired, so not communicating the way you needed to be…so stubborn.

“Okay,” you repeated, then turned on your heel to leave.

He didn’t come after you. 


	9. all the time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a heads up for anyone in the NYC area or greater area: I have never been to the MET so don't quote me on any of this :)

**** Day Thirteen. ** **

On Monday night, after you had left his library crying, Kylo had set those brown paper bags he brought in the other day outside of your door. There were three of them and when you peeked inside, you saw they were all books. You figured he bought them after you asked if he had any books specifically about Japanese history, which he did not.

The books in the brown bags were history books from Japan, Japanese art, and some geographical books of the country. You really just wanted history books, but you were thankful for Kylo going out of his way to get something you might be interested in. It was silly, you just wanted to know a little more about the history of the country. You realized Kylo didn’t think your interest was silly.

That was four days ago.

It was now Friday, and since Monday, you’d continued boring life while Kylo worked, watching everything cable TV had to offer during the day and reading the books he got you. When Kylo got home from work this week, you had dinner made for the both of you because even though you were upset with him, you were still decent.

Kylo ate at his dining room table while you took your food to your room the first few days, but you eventually started eating with Kylo and talking a little. He occasionally told you how good the food you made was, but other than that, Kylo kept a pretty tight lip, too. He didn’t apologize, he didn’t offer any kind of explanation, and he didn’t talk about Monday at all.

Last night, you think you _may_ have figured out why. You replayed Monday in Kylo’s library over and over again. One thing that Kylo said that was constant was, ‘ _Not like this_ ’.

_Not like this._

Upon further reflection, you concluded that either Kylo really didn’t want to fuck you, or that maybe, possibly _, perhaps_ he meant that he wanted it to be…special. You quickly denied the theory, thinking that it didn’t really _sound_ like Kylo, but it was still in the back of your head. Maybe he had a heart. Maybe he had a heart that _cared_ for you…that _cared_ about how your first time would be.

Maybe.

You sat in Kylo’s living room, reading one of the books he got for you in front of his big windows on a nice Friday afternoon. Kylo was in his library on the phone and you could hear his frustrated voice echo through the apartment. You were peeking over at the library door across the apartment, trying to listen, but the call ended.

You took a deep breath, walked to Kylo’s room, stole a pillow, then knocked on the library door. Your own version of a truce. You stepped in the door, nearly tiptoeing, and walked to Kylo’s desk. He was watching your every move, as if he couldn’t believe you were really there.

“Hi,” you greeted.

Kylo stared at you, “Hi,”

“Can I read? On your floor, I mean. While you…while you work?” you bit your lip.

Kylo cleared his throat, “Oh, sure,”

“Cool,” you smiled and put the pillow on the floor, laying your head on it. You spent the next hour reading, book outstretched above you. You and Kylo would make eye contact when you’d peek over at him every once in a while, but his eyes would always flick quickly back to his screen, where he’d finish typing whatever it was he was working on.

Kylo finally shut his laptop and walked to where you were laying after a while.

“May I?” he asked, pointing at the spot on the floor next to you.

“Yea,” you scooted your head over on the pillow slightly, inviting Kylo’s head to lay next to yours, “Here,”

Kylo’s head hit the pillow and it instantly took you back to last Monday, when the two of you did this exact thing.

“You like your books?” Kylo asked, taking the book you were reading out of your hands, flipping through the pages.

You gave him a polite smile, “I do. Thank you…um, wait stop there,” you pointed at a photo on the page, “That one is a famous work. The big wave thing. There’s one at the MET. Isn’t it pretty?”

The book you were reading through was a Japanese art book with pictures and historical facts about where and when the piece came from. You were showing Kylo _Under the Wave off Kanagawa_ or _The Great Wave_ , the famous Japanese print of a giant wave.

“Oh, yea. I’ve seen that before,” he squinted at the photo, “I didn’t know it’s at the MET,”

You nodded and Kylo kept flipping through the book, looking at the pictures of random art. You laid there next to him, trying to muster the courage to ask about the other day.

“Hey,” you said softly, “I think we should talk about Monday,”

Kylo closed the book and put it on the floor next to him, “What about Monday?”

“The thing that happened,” you looked around theatrically, “Like, in _here_ ,”

Kylo stared up at the ceiling, “What about it?”

You sat up, your palms on the patterned carpet holding you up, “You don’t have anything—There’s nothing you want to address about it?”

“It sounds like there’s something _you_ want to address,” he replied casually.

You knitted your eyebrows together, confused, “I ju—I was thinking that maybe we had a miscommunication or something, don’t you think?”

“Miscommunication?”

“Yes…a miscommunication. I left the room crying,” you laughed nervously, “I-I don’t think you meant to make me cry,” you explained, “I actually think that maybe you meant something else and…and well I think I might have taken it the wrong—”

Kylo interrupted you, sitting up now, “We don’t have to talk about it. I can tell you’re getting worked up again, hot head,”

Were you worked up? As you sat there, staring wide-eyed at Kylo, assessing what he just said, you examined yourself. You didn’t feel your heart beating at a crazy rapid pace…sure it was beating fast but that was because you were nervous to bring this all up in the first place.

Next, you took notice of how your face felt. As far as you could tell, you didn’t think your cheeks were heating all that much. They felt normal. You were normal.

You _weren’t_ worked up.

“Are you…gaslighting me?” you asked, shocked, “Why are you doing that?”

Kylo got up off the ground and stood, “I really don’t know what you’re talking about. Try to relax,”

Kylo was so nice to you a moment ago, on the floor. Now, he was back to being how he was when you first got here. An asshole.

He was also being defensive.

You stood, too, “Kylo, you’re being too many things at once,”

“I didn’t ask you to keep up,” he shot at you, then turned to leave the library. For a millisecond, Kylo glanced over at you before he left, slight remorse in his eyes, but quickly went back to leaving until he was out the door.

You wanted to punch him in the face so bad…but you didn’t. You just stomped your way across the apartment to your room, slamming the door behind you, hoping to make him feel bad.

You guessed his mood was being extra fluctuating today, because thirty minutes later, there was a faint knock on your door.   
  
“What do you want??” you called out. Kylo opened the door and stepped in the room. You huffed and crossed your arms, “Yes?”

“We’re going somewhere today,” Kylo told you plainly.

You stood from your bed, “Where? A-And when??”

“The MET,” he noted, “To see that big wave art…thing,”

A nice gesture…but nice gestures don’t erase words.

“So _now_ you want to be nice to me?” you asked.

Kylo sighed, “Yes,”

“How nice it must be to pick and choose the way you speak to me,” you mumbled.

Kylo put his hands on his hips, “Are we going to the fucking MET or not?”

You had to bite back a laugh at how Kylo looked, hands on his hips, his cheeks a little pink, asking if you were ‘going to the fucking MET or not’. It was funny how he was trying to be nice but sabotaged himself into being a dick, sometimes.

“Fine, I _guess_ I’ll go with you,” you surrendered, “…but all of my clothes make me look like a disco ball. I don’t really have anyt—”

“Wear mine,” Kylo interrupted you, “I mean, you can wear a shirt of mine,”

You arched one of your eyebrows, “Okay sure, but Kylo, I need pants. All I have are little skirts and shorts,”

“Wear a little skirt, then,” Kylo suggested, walking over to you.

“It’s cold outside,”

Kylo’s hand went to your hair that cascaded over your shoulder to lightly brush it, “We’ll be in the car and in the museum most of the time,” he muttered, playing with your hair.

You slapped his hand away, “You can touch me like that when you know how to be nice,”

Kylo cleared his throat and clasped both of his hands together behind his back, as if he had to lock them away to not touch you.

You continued the conversation, “Anyway…fine. I’ll wear a skirt in 40° weather,”

\--

You stood at Kylo’s front door, feeling like a buffoon. Your black, flowy skirt was really fucking short and was pretty much invisible with the big coat you had on. It looked like all you had on was a fancy ass coat and your worn-out, checkered Vans. Kylo decided to wear a long-sleeved t-shirt and black jeans, along with his coat.

As he walked up to you, ready to leave, you couldn’t help but look at him a split second longer than you meant to. He just looked so goddamn good.

“Ready?” he asked, hand on the doorknob.

“Ready,” you sighed.

For as much as you didn’t want to hang out with Kylo today…you were painfully excited about this little excursion to the MET.

As you and Kylo walked to his car in the parking garage, he was checking the best way to get to the museum from his apartment.

“Fuck. Traffic is shit,” Kylo mumbled, staring at his phone.

When you got to his car, you leaned on it and crossed your arms, “We could always take the subway,”

Kylo gave you a disgusted look, “Fuck no,”

“Why not? It’ll probably take less time, especially since we won’t have to park when we get there,” you explained.

“No,” he said sternly, eyes on his phone.

“What’s wrong with the subway?” you asked, throwing your hands in the air.

Kylo laughed, “It’s _gross_ ,”

“You’re such a pretty boy, you know that?” you rolled your eyes.

Kylo opened his car door and started to get inside, “A pretty boy who doesn’t like germs and crowded trains underground? I’m okay with that,”

“Whatever,” you grumbled and got in the passenger’s seat.

Kylo’s car smelled like it was brand new. There wasn’t a hint of trash anywhere and the seats were perfect, no scuffs or scrapes at all. You could tell from his apartment and his car that he liked things orderly and neat, even though his personality seemed far from it. He acted like a child sometimes. You wondered if he was like this with others…sassy, funny, quick…or if he had to be someone else for others. Someone who was orderly and neat.

You wondered a lot of things about him.

You mostly wondered if you were right about him and what he meant on Monday night. Something about the way Kylo got defensive earlier hinted that you might be right. You just weren’t sure about what to do with that information, now.

Kylo turned his car on and pulled out of his parking spot, going down the five flights of parking garage ramps. Little pink, purple, and red ‘hearts’ filled the windows of shops as you drove. You forgot Valentine’s Day was approaching soon. Now that you thought about it, you realized it was _tomorrow_.

You figured tomorrow would be like any normal day with Kylo, Valentine’s or not. Who knew how this trip to the museum would go? Maybe by tomorrow, there’d be no time for romance because you’d have already killed each other by then.

A few minutes into your ride, you and Kylo ran into _awful_ traffic.

“I told you we should have taken the subway,” you mumbled.

You could tell Kylo knew you were right when he told you to shut up.

It made you smile a little.

\--

You walked up the stairs to the MET in your little skirt, Vans, and big coat, freezing cold. Kylo was stepping next to you, but his legs were so damn long that he was going faster than you, meaning you worked ten times harder to keep up with him. When you arrived inside, Kylo moved behind you and took your coat off of you, giving it to the people at coat check and getting tickets.

You suddenly felt uncomfortable, sporting Kylo’s long-sleeved shirt you tied into a knot, your skirt, and your Vans. You pushed down your skirt a little, making sure it wasn’t too short. Kylo came over and put his hand on your lower back, walking you further inside of the museum.

He dipped his head down and whispered in your hair, “You look fine,”

You forgot how lovely he could be.

“Um, wanna start in Egyptian Art?” you asked, pointing at a little map in the museum.

Kylo started to mindlessly twirl your hair that stuck to the back of your shirt as you stood there, “Whatever you want,” he said casually.

You liked that he touched your hair without really realizing what he was doing. It also made you nervous, afraid you’d get your hopes up too quickly about him being decent before he was mean again.

“Um, okay well…let’s get started,” you said quickly, then fast-walked to the Egyptian Art area.

The longer the two of you walked around the museum, the more little touches Kylo would give you. You noticed them, but he didn’t. Kylo was really unaware of how much he touched you. First, it was a hand on your lower back, guiding you to the next exhibit, then it was another playing with your hair between his fingers moment as you looked at a painting in the Contemporary Art room. After that, it was Kylo brushing your hair behind your ear as he whispered something in your ear about a painting or artifact you came across a few times.

You didn’t swat him away or give him a look, you just let him touch you. The feeling was addicting and after a while, you found yourself slowly forgiving him, becoming more friendly with him, and touching him in little ways back. In the Greek and Roman Art section, you tugged on his hand after you’d found a marble head that looked just like Kylo.

“Stand right there,” you pointed at a spot on the ground.

Kylo eyed you suspiciously but followed your directions and stood next to the marble head.

“Okay, now bend your knees and get level with this guy,” you smiled, “There’s no one around, no need to be embarrassed,”

“Fine,”

You stepped back and pulled out your phone (well, the phone Kylo gave you) and snapped a picture of Kylo and the marble head. Kylo stood up and started to walk toward you, but you quickly told him to stay right there.

Kylo sighed and bent his knees again, going into the same position as before. You handed him your phone to put in his pocket because what else are men for? Then, you stood in front of him and told him to close his eyes.

“Really?” Kylo asked.

“Really,”

Kylo closed his eyes and exhaled deeply as you put your left pointer finger on the marble head’s forehead and your right pointer finger on Kylo’s forehead. He flinched a little, but relaxed after a second. Simultaneously, you grazed your fingers over the browbones, then trailed a line down the marble and Kylo’s face, going over their noses, then down to their lips.

“I think this was you in a past life,” you said quietly, cupping the side of Kylo’s face.

His eyes slowly opened, and he looked over at the marble statue, “I think he’s better looking,”

“I don’t think so,” you said sincerely. Before you could stop the compliment from spilling out of your mouth, you told Kylo, “You have such a pretty nose, you know,”

“Do I?” Kylo questioned and stood up straight.

“You do,”

Kylo smiled and started to say something until he was interrupted.

“Hey!” a museum worker called out to you and Kylo from across the room, “You guys can’t be that close to the work! There’s a line showing you where you can’t step beyond,” they pointed to a black line on the floor. Kylo was over it.

“Sorry, won’t happen again,” Kylo apologized and put his hand at the small of your back again, leading you away from the Greek and Roman Art exhibit.

“I’m so glad they didn’t see me touch that thing. We would’ve for sure been kicked out,” you laughed.

Kylo stopped and stood in front of you, taking your chin and pulling it up, “Are you trying to get me into trouble, little angel?”

“Maybe,” you smirked and walked by him, heading to the back stairwell, “Payback for earlier, I guess,”

Kylo followed you up the stairs, “Payback? What did _I_ do?” he asked as he trailed behind you.

“You know,” you stopped at the top and looked down at him.

Kylo started to play with the end of your skirt, “Haven’t you forgiven me already, little angel?”

“I’m still deciding,”

Kylo put his hands up your skirt and wrapped his hands around your thigh, hugging your leg and looking up at you, “What can I do to help?” he asked with an innocent look on his face.

“Do I have to kiss you from head to toe?” he continued, squatting on the stairs. Kylo kissed your ankle as you stood there, watching him. He trailed kisses up your calf, to your thigh, then put his head under your skirt, getting higher up. You laughed and slapped the top of his head, fixing your skirt.

“ _Kylo_ ,” you tried to say with a serious face, but you were still giggling, “You’re insane,”

Kylo stepped up to the top of the stairs with you, “Have you forgiven me now?”

“We’ll see,” you said softly, then turned to open the door to the second floor.

\--

Kylo was holding his chin between his fingers, studying the _Under the Wave off Kanagawa_ , “It’s smaller than I thought it’d be,” he thought out loud.

“Mhm,” you hummed, taking in the piece as well.

“So, it’s a painting?” Kylo asked, eyes still on the art.

“No, it’s a print. It’s like another way to make art,” you explained, “It’s hard to describe. We can watch cool YouTube videos about it later if you want. Sometimes I like to do that stuff when I’m bored,”

You felt a little childish as you said it, but whatever. YouTube is dope.

“Okay,” Kylo agreed.

“So, this is what you want to do, right?” he asked, looking around the room, “Put all of these pieces together for museums?”

“That’s the goal, yeah. I think it’s cool to preserve history and culture. It’s important,” you said casually, walking to the next wing.

As you got to the Asian Art wing, you slowly walked around, inspecting each piece, wondering if you could identify the time period without looking at the museum’s info card next to it. There were paintings, prints, and artifacts all over the room. Kylo even wandered away from your side to look around at his own pace. He was enjoying himself, it seemed.

When you and Kylo were finally done looking through each wing of the MET, you grabbed your coats and went to head back to his apartment. The air was a lot colder now that it was 6PM and dusk outside. As you stepped down the sidewalk heading to Kylo’s car, he put his arm around you and held you close, trying to keep you warm. It didn’t do much for your bare legs, but it _did_ do a lot for your heart.

“Are you hungry?” Kylo asked as you were putting your seatbelt on, now inside his warm car.

“Starving,” you replied.

Kylo put the car in drive and started to leave, “Would you hate me if we ate out?”

“Kylo, I’m so tired of cooking. I think I’d _love_ _you_ if we ate out,” you laughed before realizing what you said. You said the L-word. It was a joke, so it shouldn’t have been a big deal, but you still felt awkward, “Um, so…where do you wanna go?”

Kylo was driving on the streets now, eyes on the road, “There’s a really good Korean restaurant a few blocks away from my apartment. We can go if you want,”

“Okay,” you said, just happy you were about to be fed.

After about twenty minutes in the car, you and Kylo were now in more shitty traffic.

“Goddammit,” he muttered, craning his neck up to see over the other cars at how the traffic looked in front of them, “Come on!” Kylo honked his horn.

“I really don’t think honking is going to make anyone move faster, Kylo,” you rolled your eyes.

Kylo shot you a look, then grinned. Next thing you knew, Kylo’s hand was playfully trying to cover your mouth, “Your fucking—” you were slapping his hand away and giggling, “—mouth is out of control, little angel,”

He was reaching over with two hands now, trying to grab at your wrists as you wrestled them away from his grip, laughing nonstop.

“Fine,” Kylo said, putting the car in park. He then unbuckled his seatbelt and leaned further over, playfully fighting with you. You felt your seat start to move and realized Kylo was using one hand to move your seat back to where you’d be laying down.

“Kylo! What the fuck are y—”

Kylo started to climb over the center console and onto you, leaning the whole chair backward to make room for his long legs. Kylo crushed you as he laid on top of you, holding your wrists next to your head.

You tried to wiggle under him but you were no match, “We’re in _traffic_ ,” you tried to say sternly but failed miserably, a laugh forming at the end of your sentence.

“Oh really? I didn’t notice,” he said softly, touching the tip of his nose to yours.

A honk from a couple cars behind you ruined the fun.

“Shit,” Kylo mumbled as he moved not-so-gracefully back over to the driver’s seat, fixing his messy hair and moving forward with the traffic. You put your seat back upright and caught your breath as Kylo slowly drove further. Fun with Kylo was over.

It was a little quiet for a while, the traffic slow but steady, no longer at a standstill.

In the silence, you asked, “Who was that on the phone earlier?”

Kylo thought for a moment, “Oh, that was Hux,”

You nearly choked on your own spit, “You’re _friends_ with him?”

“Fuck no,” he laughed.

“Well, why were you talking to him?” you asked curiously.

Kylo ran his fingers through his hair with one hand, the other still gripping the wheel, “I work with him,”

“Woah…you work with him? Wait, you work at tha—”

“That organization—club, _whatever,_ that Hux is part of has nothing to do with me,” Kylo snapped at you, “Hux and most of the people I work with are in that shit. Not me,”

You looked around, confused, “You were literally at the gala thing. That’s literally why I’m here,”

Kylo shook his head, “No, no, no. I didn’t go because I was part of it, okay? I just have to make connections sometimes, so occasionally I’ll go to events,” he explained.

“ _Gross_ events,” you mumbled.

“You wouldn’t understand,” he replied.

You shot back, “You’re right, I wouldn’t because I don’t even know what you do,”

Kylo didn’t speak for a second, thinking.

“I work in weapons,” he confessed, “I deal with politicians. Politicians are in Hux’s little club. There, happy?”

“Weapons? Like the kind you’d use in….war?” you asked in a whisper.

Kylo gave you a faint smile, then frowned, “Yeah,”

“What do you do specifically?” you inquired casually, looking at the car in front of you as it started to go faster.

Kylo hesitated, but revealed, “I make deals with people, they buy it, everyone’s happy,”

You shifted in your seat, turning to face Kylo, “Do you _like_ your job?”

You couldn’t imagine Kylo doing what he does.

“We’re not talking about this anymore,” he said quickly before turning on the radio, cutting off the conversation.

\--

It took an extra hour to get home. When you were _finally_ at Kylo’s apartment with the Korean food, the two of you sat on the couch and ate, watching the local news because there was nothing else on.

“You should really get Netflix,” you told Kylo as you took a bite of your food.

“I barely know how to work a normal TV. I don’t think I’m cut out for Netflix,” Kylo replied.

You sighed dramatically, “Fine then. I’ll suffer for two more weeks,”

“There’s only two more weeks?” Kylo squinted at you, “No, there’s not,”

You laughed at him, “Kylo, yeah there is. Today’s the thirteenth. I leave on the first of March. That’s nearly two weeks,”

“Hm,” he hummed, staring at his plate and picking around at the food, “You know, I could always buy you for another month,”

You rolled your eyes, “That’s not how this works,”

“Why not?” Kylo turned toward you. He was serious.

You set your empty plate on the coffee table and turned back to Kylo, “Um, because I have a family and friends. I also already have the money I’ll need when the month is over. I won’t need more,” you explained, “I can’t just stay inside all day and play around with you,”

“But we have so much fun,” he muttered, a faint smile forming over his lips. Kylo was looking everywhere but your eyes.

You didn’t want to leave. At all. But the month was almost halfway over and real life was calling your name. You never really pictured what would become of this month with Kylo, especially what would happen afterward. Would you just not speak anymore? You didn’t really see yourself fitting into his version of what life looked like, and you weren’t sure he would fit into yours, either.

“Then we’ll just have to have more fun until I leave,” you said softly.

Then, a giggle escaped your mouth, “You just said that we have fun together. I think you like to hang out with me, Kylo. I think you _missed_ me this week,”

“Oh, when you were ignoring me?” he rolled his eyes and gathered up the dishes, taking them into the kitchen.

“Yep. I think you missed me,” you said proudly, watching him come back over to you at the couch.

Kylo smiled and sat next to you, “And did _you_ miss _me_?”

“Not a bit,” you giggled.

With that, Kylo was all over you, knocking you on your back against the couch, laying on it. He was on top of you again, like in the car, and started to grab at your hands again as you playfully slapped him away.

“You didn’t miss me at _all_ , little angel?” he did a fake pout with his lip as he caught one of your wrists, then grabbed the other one, pinning them next to you again.

His face was close to yours and you breathed in his cologne. There was nothing in the world that could smell as nice as Kylo Ren, you thought.

With his lips so close to yours, it was almost as if, on instinct, you both got very serious. Kylo released your wrists and held the sides of your face now as he looked at you. You held onto the back of his neck, making sure he stayed close to you.

“I did miss you, Kylo,” you disclosed to him, “I don’t like to be upset with people,”

Kylo swallowed and sat up, moving away from you on the couch. You sat up, too, disappointed.

He was running away again.

“Kylo, Monday was really hard. I’m not so sure I viewed the situation how _you_ were viewing it. If there was a miscommunication, I’d really like to know. I’m sorry I’m bringing it up but I think—”

“It’s complicated,” he interrupted you.

You furrowed your brow, “It’s… _complicated_?”

Kylo nodded slowly.

“You _did_ want me though, right?” you asked for clarification, “Just…not at that moment?”

Kylo’s eyes flickered at yours and he didn’t miss a beat as he replied, “I want you _all_ the time,”

_All the time._

“But not _that_ time,” you told him.

Kylo scooted close to you on the couch again, playing with the end of your skirt, “I wanted you that time _especially_. But—” he looked back at you, “—it was complicated. It _is_ complicated,”

Your face fell a little. You were annoyed and felt stupid. Maybe he just really didn’t want you then. You bit your bottom lip and stood, “Well, this was fun. I’m gonna get ready for bed,”

Kylo stood with you and quickly moved in front of you as you started to walk away, “Stay with me tonight,” he blurted.

“Are you going to… _have_ me?” you asked nervously.

Kylo scoffed, “Am I going to fuck you? No. You’re still mad at me,”

You turned around, deciding to go the other way around Kylo, “Why do you care what I think? You could have me any way you want, mad, sad, happy. You _bought_ me. You own me for the next two weeks. It doesn’t matter how I feel,” you muttered as you stepped across the big apartment.

“Don’t say that,” Kylo shook his head as he walked toward you.

You stopped at the hall near your room, “I’m just telling you what you told me when I got here,”

Kylo didn’t say anything, clearly thinking about his remarks from the first two nights. You sighed and turned back around, heading to the end of the hallway to your door. As you turned the handle, you heard Kylo say something. It was low and mumbled, so you couldn’t hear.

Your hand left the knob and you turned around to face him at the end of the hall.

“What did you say?” you asked.

Kylo ran a hand through his hair while the other was on his hip. It was like he had to convince the words to come out of his mouth as he spoke louder, “I said…things are different,”

You stepped toward him in the hall and crossed your arms. You were trying to look like you didn’t care, but you did. Your heart was racing because Kylo thought things were _different_. You _knew_ things were different. You just needed him to say it.

“How?”

Kylo filled the space between the two of you and stood in front of you, “They just are,”

  
You pursed your lips, “So, what? You’re just a nice person now?”

“No,”

“What changed?” you questioned.

Kylo reached out his arm and put it on your waist, pulling you closer to him, “Stay with me tonight,”

“What changed?” you asked again.

Kylo’s other hand went up to the back of your neck where he cradled it, his thumb on the side of your jaw, “Stay with me,” he demanded again, softer.

You uncrossed your arms and started to play with the fabric of his t-shirt, “Why do you want me to stay with you?”

“Just come stay with me,” he pleaded gently, his eyes looking tired.

You were nearly whispering now, “Why do you want me to stay with you, Kylo?”

Kylo stared down at you and you felt his thumb stroke your waist, “You’re warm,” he admitted softly.

“I’m _warm_? Kylo…” you rolled your eyes.

“You’re nice company,” he added, his face serious.

“I am?”

“You are,”

You thought for a moment, “So, you want me to stay with you in your room because I’m warm and I’m good company?”

“You’re warm, you’re good company,” Kylo took a long breath out and his grip on your waist became firmer, “and I want to sleep next to you like we did when we were sick,”

Your stomach did cartwheels and your heart pumped rapidly in your chest.

“Tell me why you want to sleep next to me,” you spoke, your eyes never breaking from Kylo’s.

“Because…” he started, “I enjoy you,”

“You enjoy me when I’m asleep?” your eyebrows lifted in dramatic shock.

“Yes, because then at least you don’t talk so much,” Kylo teased.

“Hey!” you giggled.

Kylo smiled softly, but after a moment his expression fell. You bit your lip, waiting for him to tell you something negative. The look on his face indicated something was up.

Kylo’s hand on your waist moved up to your face. He started to push your hair back as his other hand stayed cradling your head and neck.

“I enjoy being with you…even in sleep,” he said tenderly, looking at your hair.

You swallowed thickly and your voice came out shaky, “You enjoy being with me even when we’re sleeping?”

“I do,” he nodded.

“So, we’re just sleeping?” you asked sheepishly.

“Yes,”

You gave Kylo a small smile, “Well…I guess I’ll go put on some of my pajamas, then,”

Kylo released your face from his hands, “Okay,”

“See you in there, then. I uh, I have to take a shower first,” you said as you backed up toward your door.

“Me too. I’ll see you in a bit, then,” Kylo confirmed.

“See you,” you waved, then opened the door to your room, quickly shutting it behind you.

You spent your whole shower thinking about Kylo. How he said he thought you were warm…that he liked your company…that he _enjoyed_ you. You knew what it all meant. You felt it, too.

When you walked into Kylo’s room, your hair was a little damp and you were wearing a little silk nightgown. Kylo was in his bathroom brushing his teeth. You didn’t know what to do, so you just stood near the door awkwardly waiting for him.

Kylo came out of his bathroom and immediately found you with his eyes. He looked at every inch of you, making your cheeks heat up.

“Hey,” you waved.

“Hi,” he said, stepping to his bed.

You took that as a sign to walk to the other side of the bed. Kylo lifted the covers, so you did the same. As he got in slowly, so did you. It was like you were mirroring yourself after him just so you didn’t make the wrong move, look too eager, or something silly like that.

“Are you tired?” Kylo asked, reaching over to turn off his lamp.

You got under the blanket and laid down, pushing down your nightgown that had ridden up, “Yea,”

Lie. You were wide awake.

“Me too,” Kylo replied as he flicked off the lamp and laid down.

Kylo was on one side of the bed while you were on the other. You figured only a minute had passed as you laid there quietly in the dark with Kylo, but it felt like a million years.

“We’re just sleeping,” you said in the dark room.

“Mhm,” Kylo hummed.

“Are we touching? I mean like, cuddling?” you asked him.

Kylo chuckled, “If you want,”

“If you touch me,” you started, “I won’t stop you,”

You felt Kylo scoot toward you a little and his hand rested on your stomach, “Like this?”

You took in a concealed sharp breath and answered, “Mhm,”

“And I can pull you close like this?” Kylo dragged you over to him, making you lay on your side.

“Mhm,” you hummed again.

“And—” Kylo put his arm around your waist and drew you in closer to his body, “—I can hold you here?”

You snuggled back against him, his chest on your back, “Sure,”

“Can I move your hair?” he requested softly, his fingers pulling hair away from your neck.  
  
You squeezed your legs together at his touch, “Whatever you want, sure,” you mumbled. You were so focused on the way Kylo was lightly touching you, the way his breaths fell on your shoulder and cheek, the way he spoke. You could barely speak, yourself.

“And you won’t stop me if I kiss you goodnight?” he asked, his mouth at your ear.

“No,” you said, needier than you’d like to admit.

Kylo breathed out a small chuckle, then kissed your shoulder softly, “I had fun today,” he whispered on you before moving to your neck, kissing it. His touch on your sensitive skin made your whole-body buzz.

“You did?” you asked, your eyes closed and your mind focused on Kylo’s lips at your neck.

He began to lightly suck on you, his warm lips sending ripples of addicting electricity through your body, “I did, little angel,” Kylo said softly, then slowly kissed up your neck, to your jaw, then on your cheek, trying to reach your lips, “Did you?”

You turned your head to meet him, but Kylo helped flip you over to where your whole body faced him now. You couldn’t see him with how dark it was, but you could feel him. It was like he was trying to completely consume you, touching you in every place he could reach. His hands were holding you close, his body was pressed against yours…you couldn’t escape him and you never wanted to.

“I did have fun today,” you whispered, “I like having fun with you, Kylo,”

Kylo brushed his lips on yours, so you took the leap and kissed him first. Your kiss was soft, and you were met with gentleness back. Kylo kissed you slowly but deeply, his tongue grazing your lips, then softly flicking with yours. He didn’t try to speed it up and neither did you. You were just laying there, kissing each other…affectionately. Light breathing, soft kissing sounds, and covers rustling from when Kylo moved his hand back and forth on your back were the only noises in the room.

Kissing him was _easy_. Kissing him was _good_. Kissing him was something you wanted to do a lot of the next two weeks, not letting a moment get wasted by not having your lips on his.

You didn’t know how long you kissed him, but it was a while. You were nearly half-asleep by the time you felt Kylo break the kiss, then gently spin you back around to spoon you again.

“Goodnight, little angel,” he whispered to the back of your hair.

You gave a sleepy reply, “Goodnight, Kylo,”


	10. blue.

**Day Fourteen. **

Kylo eyed your closet with his hands on his hips, assessing all of the items.

"Jesus fuck. All this shit was in that suitcase?" he squinted, eyes still on the clothes and shoes.

You rubbed the back of your neck, realizing how much shit Brin and the girls gave you, "...yea,"

You'd worn barely any of it, especially not touching the heels. You strutted around all day in Kylo's shirts and your skirts since you'd been here, not wearing this sparkly shit.

"Did they think you'd just parade around my apartment in this shit all day?" Kylo asked, dumbfounded.

You laughed, "I think that's technically normal, right? The people who did my hair, makeup, and clothes all coached me about what to wear every day and how to do my mascara and stuff. I think most girls would wear this stuff every day,"

"I'm glad you don't do that here," Kylo thought out loud.

"Why? You like me just as I am or something?" you leaned on the door frame, smirking.

Kylo looked you up and down, then back at the clothes in the closet, "Or something," he said quietly.

You felt yourself blush. What Kylo said wasn't exactly a compliment or outright flattery, but there was a hint of something there. Something you couldn't pinpoint exactly. You added this one to the list of things you noticed about Kylo...the little ways he'd say something or _do_ something that would make you think for the smallest moment that maybe, outside of this apartment, outside of the money, outside of you and him, that maybe there was something more.

That's what sort of scared you about this whole thing...how much you liked him already.

"Well," Kylo started, snapping you out of your daze, "Let's get started,"

Kylo wanted you to stay in his room the rest of the month, meaning you'd be moving your clothes along with everything else. Kylo stepped in the big closet and started to pull dresses off of the bars with their hangers.

"Um, what if we just left all of this in here? It's not like I wear that stuff anyway...we can just take the stuff I use," you offered, trying to make the move as easy as possible.

Kylo happily put the clothes back where they were, "Fine by me,"

When the two of you were done moving some of your things, you looked around Kylo's room. Your phone charger was plugged into his wall, your Vans were by his door, your toiletries were under his sink, and your skirts, pajamas, and other casual looking clothes were hung up in his closet where there was extra room.

You and Kylo were now sharing a space.

Together.

You were trying to keep totally casual about it, but you were anything _but_ casual. Maybe it was your naïve nature or general inexperience with any sort of real romantic situation, but you felt particularly giddy about this. You were reeling with a sense of curiosity and excitement about the next two weeks here.

Only two weeks left, you remembered.

 _Fuck_.

Kylo came up behind you as you were assessing the room and stood next to you. His hand drifted up your back and found the ends of your hair, twisting them between his fingers mindlessly again.

"Hey, hot head,"

You looked up at him suspiciously, "I'm not a hot head today,"

"I know. I just like calling you that," Kylo said casually as he looked around the room.

You liked it when he called you that, too.

"So," you started, turning toward him, "What are we doing today?"

Kylo's hand found your hair again, playing with it as it cascaded over your shoulder, "We're going somewhere tonight,"

"Whaaaat?!" your jaw dropped, "Where?"

"A stupid event," Kylo frowned, his hand dropping to his side. Kylo started to walk out of his room and to the kitchen.

You followed behind him, excited about another excursion to real life, "What event?"

"A dumb one for a service organization I'm part of," he glanced back at you, "Not the one with Hux. Lots of boring people there. Mostly politicians," Kylo grumbled and pulled a bag of baby carrots out of the fridge to snack on.

"I see. What time?" you asked, taking a carrot out of the bag and sitting on the kitchen counter.

Kylo searched for the time in his head for a second, then answered, "Six o'clock,"

"Six? It's already four!" you hopped down from the counter, "What's the attire?!"

"Formal,"

Your eyebrows raised, " _Formal_?! Oh my God, we have to start getting ready. Where is it? Manhattan? We'll have to leave pretty early, right? Traffic? Oh man, I have to start getting ready _now_ ," you said frantically.

Even though you went out with Kylo yesterday, this felt different. You were weirdly nervous for this fancy shmancy event.

Kylo stood there, amused, "Little angel, we can be fashionably late. But if you want to start getting ready now, be my guest,"

You were smiling now, "Ah, I'm so excited! Also nervous...but mostly excited! I'm going to look so fancy. Oh wow, okay," you turned to go to Kylo's room, "I'm going to shower and then get ready!" you announced, practically skipping to his room.

Well, _your_ room now, too.

After you showered, you put on makeup and even did your hair. Even though you weren't super great at it and didn't like it all that much, you were excited to get ready for something, _anything_. You also wanted to look cute for Kylo. It was weird. His opinion of you was feeling more important inside.

You had to walk across the apartment to get to your fancy clothes in your old room, so as you walked through the living room where Kylo was, you hung your head so he couldn't see your little makeover of sorts and made a b-line to the last door at the end of the hall.

You picked through all of the clothes you were provided with and only came across two that were floor-length...sort of. One was actually floor-length. It was a nice, long, black dress with a slit on the side. The waist was tight and fitting while the bottom half of the dress was made of loose tulle. It was truly a formal type gown. The other was a sparkly, gold dress that came down to your mid-calf.

Needless to say, you went with the black one.

As you stepped in front of the mirror in your old room, your hands ran down your curves and you, to be honest, were checking yourself out. You thought you looked pretty. No, no. You thought you looked pretty _hot_.

You begrudgingly put on some red heels and stepped out of the room, toward the living area. The clacking of your heels on the black, granite floors was loud and unpleasant...mostly because you were tripping a little with each step, making the sounds uneven. You swore the whole city could probably hear these fuckers clank as you walked in them.

Kylo was in his room now so you went to go see him, wanting him to look at you. You knocked on the door before hearing Kylo call out to come in. As you slowly entered, Kylo came out from the bathroom and immediately froze when he saw you. You felt stiff when you saw him, too. He was in a lovely suit and his hair was perfectly styled. Kylo was so fucking handsome it could kill you.

"Hi," you clasped your hands nervously in front of you, "Is this okay? For your thing? I dunno if it—"

"Stop," he ordered, interrupting you.

You cocked your head to the side, confused, "Stop?"

"Stop talking,"

You nodded your head, your own way of saying 'okay'.

Kylo looked at you from a distance for a moment. His eyes ran from the top of your head to your heels, taking in every inch of how you looked.

"Change the shoes," he said suddenly.

"Um," you blinked, "You want me to change my shoes?"

"Yes,"

"Okay...is it the color? I have black or I think maybe there's white in there, too," you asked as you headed for his door, ready to walk to the other room.

"Wear the Vans,"

You let out a loud laugh, "The VANS?! Funny,"

Kylo leaned on the doorframe of his bathroom, "I'm serious. I know you don't like heels,"

"When did I tell you I didn't like heels?" you crossed your arms.

Kylo smirked, "Little angel, I think I know you,"

You thought maybe you knew him, too.

"I think you do," you said as you took the heels off and started to slip on socks and the Vans. When you had them fully on, you pushed your leg out of the slit and giggled at the sight of you in a fancy dress and shoes you'd had for years. It felt so wrong to put these together, but it also felt so right. Well, it mostly felt more comfortable.

You found yourself staring at your own reflection in Kylo's big full-length mirror, taking in your look again. Kylo walked up behind you, noticing how you were practically admiring yourself, and started to play with your hair that rested on your back. He was staring at you in the mirror with a dark look in his eye.

You started to squeeze your hands in front of you.

Kylo moved your hands to your sides, "Don't get shy, little angel," he said softly, his head dipping to your ear and his eyes never leaving yours in the mirror. Kylo moved your hair away from one side of your neck and pushed it away.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered, starting to slowly kiss your neck, "I want to take this off of you and kiss you everywhere, little angel,"

"You should—" your voice was shaky as you felt Kylo's hands massage at your waist, his lips on your neck, "You should do that,"

Kylo took the zipper of your dress between his thumb and index finger and slowly pulled it down, "I can't wait to see what you look like underneath your pretty dress,"

He started to trail his kisses down your spine, his cold hands holding your bare waist. Your straps were still on your shoulders, only your back revealed, but Kylo didn't rush. He took his time kissing your back, breathing you in as you stood there, eyes closed, dizzy from what was going on.

As Kylo moved his lips back up your spine, his hands slid to your stomach, gliding upward, too. He was finally standing up straight again and found your breasts under your dress, cupping them. Kylo couldn't see them, but the feeling alone made his eyes squeeze shut for a moment. He lightly grazed over your nipple with his thumb, making you sigh and barely arch your back.

"Kylo..." you breathed. With another brush of his finger across your nipple, you let out a small moan, "Oh, fuck,"

Kylo was watching you react to him in the mirror, seeing every knitting of your eyebrows together, every time your lips parted, every squirm of yours. He was watching _everything_.

"So sensitive, little angel," he lightly kissed your cheek, then pressed himself against your ass. His cock was hard and all you wanted was for it to be inside of you.

Kylo was massaging your breasts now, his breathing getting more labored. You could tell he needed you right now as much as you needed him. You pushed your ass back against his cock, grinding on him slightly. Kylo groaned softly in your ear at the contact.

When you did it again, Kylo took a sharp breath in and pressed himself firmly against you, holding your hips, "I'm going to fuck you everywhere in this room by the end of the month, little angel,"

You didn't know what took over you, but you immediately replied with, "I want you to fuck me everywhere in your _apartment_ by the end of the month, Kylo,"

He growled in your ear, coming undone with your words, gripping your hips harder and pushing them against him again, "Fuck, I need you so badly,"

"Then have m—"

A loud alarm from Kylo's phone in the bathroom broke the moment you were having. It was the first time in a week you'd come close to fucking again and the loud ringing was ruining it. Kylo buried his face in the back of your hair and muttered, "Fuck," as he zipped up your dress. He kissed the back of your head, another gesture you took as affection, and walked to the bathroom, turning off the alarm.

You put your hands on your hips and took deep breaths, composing yourself. As you stood there, still in front of the mirror, the alarm stopped and you heard more curses from the bathroom, Kylo clearly upset you were interrupted and now had to leave.

He quickly left the bathroom and walked straight to you, putting his hand around the back of your head and aggressively pulling you to him, pressing his lips on yours. You were surprised by the sudden kiss but inhaled into it, letting Kylo kiss you. You tried to deepen it, but he didn't reciprocate.

Kylo pulled away, but then gave you one more peck.

"Later,"

\--

As you and Kylo drove, you were reminded about what day it was when you passed by red and pink lights everywhere.

Valentine's Day.

Both of you didn't say anything about it. You just ignored it, even though hearts and the word 'love' filled every window, advertisement sign, and radio station that faintly played through his speakers.

Kylo's hand rested on the gearshift between the two of you. You wanted his big hand on your thigh, thumb stroking your skin, but it wasn't. Normally, you'd be too shy to put your hand on his, pick it up and put it on your thigh yourself, but that's exactly what you did. You were feeling brave from earlier, so you just thought 'why the fuck not?'.

When Kylo stopped at a red light, you casually took his hand in yours and placed it on your leg, right where the slit was so he felt your skin. Kylo seemed surprised by it at first, but quickly went back to being his regular Kylo self.

"Can't go one second without my touch, can you?" he smirked and drove as the light turned green.

You cocked an eyebrow, "Ha, sure,"

Kylo moved his hand further in the slit of your dress to your inner thigh and watched you tense up, "Oh, little angel...I think you've got it bad,"

"Maybe," you smiled.

Kylo kept his hand on your thigh the rest of the way there.

When you got to the building where the event was, Kylo gave the car to the valet, pulled your coat off of you and gave it to the coat check, then walked with you into the main area with the people, music, and drinks.

You went straight to the bar as Kylo followed behind you.

"Hi! Two waters, please," you smiled at the bartender.

When the bartender turned around to grab two glasses of water, Kylo kicked your ankle from behind, "Don't get a water. Get a drink,"

"Water _is_ a drink," you said over your shoulder.

Kylo stepped next to you now, a hand around your waist, "Get a _drink_ ,"

"No, Kylo," you laughed.

Kylo's hold on your waist tightened, "Get a fucking drink,"

"Chill. I'm not drinking," you told Kylo, "Okay?"

His hand left your waist and he squinted at you, "Is this because of me?"

 _Yes_.

You wanted to respect Kylo by not drinking. If he didn't, you wouldn't. That's how respect went. But for now, you didn't want him to think that you weren't drinking because of him, even though you totally were.

"No, I simply want water. I have a headache," you lied, " _But_ if I _was_ not drinking because of you, would that be so awful? To be kind?"

"Being sacrificial does not equal being kind," he mumbled as he grabbed two little black straws. Kylo then asked the bartender to put a lime in each of your drinks.

You eyed him suspiciously, "You're not... _pretending_ to be drinking alcohol, are you?"

"I am," he said matter of factly, taking his drink and walking away, "Come on,"

You rolled your eyes and followed Kylo as he made his way around the big room. You wished he didn't care what people thought. That's why he was doing that, right? Pretending to drink? The façade Kylo seemed to put on was intriguing, but you wished he didn't feel as though he had to be someone he wasn't. But then again, did you really even _know_ Kylo Ren as well as you thought you did? Maybe his façade was with _you_.

The whole thing was pretty boring. You spoke to sooo many people you didn't know. Their topics of conversation were dull and uninteresting to you, mostly people complaining about work or political things. There was nothing fun about it. Everyone was so fucking serious, including Kylo. He wasn't funny or silly with these people. He was just stone cold.

There was a time when you were alone with Kylo, standing around, when he started to play with the ends of your hair over your shoulder again as you stood in front of him.

"Everyone here is boring. I don't really think you belong here," you commented while messing with Kylo's suit jacket.

Kylo didn't say anything at first, he just kind of looked at you and seemed like he was searching his mind for something. You soon found out he was thinking of an idea.

"I'm fun, huh?" he cocked an eyebrow.

You nodded, "Yea, but you're not being fun _here_ ,"

Kylo took your hand and started walking, "Want to have fun?"

"Um, sure..." you said hesitantly, strolling with him across the room, unsure of what Kylo was about to do.

Kylo found a congressman he knew and started up a conversation, "Good to see you, Mark,"

He shook the guy's hand as he exchanged a 'hello' back. Then, Kylo introduced you.

"My wife," Kylo smiled and put his hand on the small of your back, "Did you know I was married, Mark? Six months goes by so quickly, right Angel?" he asked, kissing the top of your head.

_Sociopath._

You crossed your arms, hiding your left hand so the congressman couldn't see that you didn't have a wedding ring on, "Right. So fast! It's crazy!" you laughed and discreetly stepped on Kylo's foot.

The man gave you his congratulations and then started a conversation with Kylo that was so dull you could have fallen asleep right there.

When Kylo and the politician finally said their goodbyes and 'good to see you's, the man left and you immediately tugged on Kylo's suit jacket and gave him a look.

"Kylo what the fuck are you going to do when that guy sees you again and you have no wife?!" you asked in a quiet voice.

"Dunno...might have to just keep you around so I can keep up with the lie," Kylo said coolly and started to walk somewhere else.

You stepped in front of him, making him stop, "Seriously, why'd you do that? Why'd you just lie like that?"

Kylo thought for a moment, "Nothing here matters. It's all just talk. I wanted to have fun. I feel fun around you," he confessed and shrugged his shoulders, trying to play it casually but his eyes were everywhere but yours, indicating he was a little shy about his disclosure.

"Oh," you smiled. You liked fun Kylo and you weren't about to ruin it with your lecture on 'why people shouldn't lie'. You nudged him gently, "Well, let's have more fun, then,"

You did this a few more times with other people, Kylo telling them you were all kinds of things. You were a painter to one group of people, a celebrity stylist to another, and his wife to a few others. It was fun, the silly little lies Kylo created about you on the spot. You never lied, _ever_ , but it was fun to lie to people with Kylo. It was stupid and dumb but it was fun.

You really liked it when Kylo would introduce you as his wife. The way he'd kiss the top of your head or your cheek, hold your waist close to him, even just for a second. The small moment of fantasy was fun.

Even though the touching was just for show, you thought, Kylo didn't really _stop_ with the touching. Kylo continued to have his hands on you, his fingers gliding on the ends of your hair, holding your waist from behind as he spoke to people, you not paying attention to the conversation, just Kylo's touch on you. He gave you small glances as conversations turned boring, and you met him with a small smile each time.

From the way tonight was going, you needed to check yourself before you completely, absolutely, totally started to really lose yourself in him.

The two of you were finally alone again when Kylo put his water on a nearby table and ran a hand through his hair, "Hey, do you want to leave?"

You gave him a confused look. You'd only been there for forty-five minutes, maybe.

He took your water and put it on the table, too, "Yeah, let's leave. I fucking hate everyone here, anyway," Kylo put his hand on your lower back and started walking to the exit, not giving you a chance to object. It's not like you would have anyway, this whole thing was so boring.

"Why do you pretend? You were talking to some of those people like you liked them, not hated them," you asked curiously as he lead you away from the main room.

"Everyone pretends," he said nonchalantly.

Kylo grabbed your coats from coat-check. He slipped your coat on you, helping you into it. Then, he pulled on his own, took your hand, and walked over to the valet, requesting his car.

You liked the feeling, his big hand holding onto yours as you waited for the car. It felt normal. Safe. Like home, in a way. Maybe it was the Valentine's air getting to you, the fact that he looked so goddamn good, or just because you liked him, but right now, you really wanted to just kiss him, cuddle up to him, laugh with him... _be_ with him. Kylo was getting to you.

"You know," you started, "You don't need to pretend with me. I'd be sad if you did,"

Kylo was looking out of the glass doors, avoiding your eyes, "I don't think I pretend with you,"

"Good," you said quietly.

You rested the side of your head on his arm as you stood there holding Kylo's hand and waiting for the car in silence. 

"You know what I want?" Kylo asked randomly, "Swedish Fish,"

"Ew," you giggled.

Kylo let go of your hand, surprised, "You don't like Swedish Fish?!"

"No, I'm more of a Sour Patch Kids type of girl," you shrugged.

Kylo grabbed your hand again. It made you smile.

"I can't stand that sour shit," he cringed and made a face, "Bleh,"

You cocked an eyebrow and teased, "Really? I figured sour would be just up your alley,"

"Why's that?"

"Because you're so sour sometimes," you smiled and squeezed his hand.

He squeezed your hand back, "Funny,"

Kylo's car was finally out front, so the two of you stepped out into the cold night and got in. Once you were five minutes into the drive, Kylo spoke again.

"Can we get Swedish Fish? On our way back?"

He was asking your permission to go and get candy. For someone so snarky, intimidating, and serious, Kylo Ren was really just a big, soft baby, you thought.

You nodded to him, "Let's get your Swedish Fish and my Sour Patch Kids,"

"Deal,"

You were now in a bodega in Brooklyn, looking at candy. You grabbed a box of Sour Patch Kids as Kylo grabbed four boxes of Swedish Fish.

"No, no, no," he said, taking three more boxes of Sour Patch Kids off of the shelf, "You've gotta get more than that. Here,"

Kylo handed you the extra candy and walked around you, looking at other items in the little store. You didn't know why but the small act made your cheeks heat as you followed him.

You and Kylo found yourself in front of a small section inside the bodega with tourist items. There were magnets, hats, shirts, and keychains with 'I HEART NY' on them. One of the t-shirts was blue and made you do a double-take from Kylo to the shirt.

"I bet you'd look really nice in blue. Like, a light blue," you grabbed the shirt and held it up to Kylo's chest, "I was right! You look _sooo_ nice in blue. You should wear more of this and not so much black,"

"Blue, huh?" he said, looking down at the shirt that you stuck on him.

You put the t-shirt back on the rack, "Mhm, blue,"

You stepped away and walked toward the checkout, boxes of candy in hand. Kylo walked up behind you and put his own candy up on the counter. Then, you saw two blue 'I HEART NY' t-shirts up there, too.

One for you.

One for Kylo.

You turned to Kylo and gave a small smile, "Blue, huh?" you repeated his words from a moment ago back to him.

He did the same, "Mhm, blue,"

\--

When you were finally back at Kylo's apartment, you went right to his closet to put your new shirts away. They were sticking out like sore thumbs compared to Kylo's black and red clothes. You wondered if he'd keep his shirt after you were gone or if he'd slowly start to incorporate more color into his life. You hoped one day he wouldn't make his bed or do the dishes right away, letting go of some of the control you knew he felt like he needed to have in his life.

Kylo was now in the living room, looking out of his big windows. He was eating his Swedish Fish and staring at the city.

"Come over here," he motioned to you.

You grabbed a box of your candy and turned off the light in the room, getting rid of the glare against the glass.

"Hi," you greeted Kylo and stood next to him, popping the sour candy in your mouth as you looked out of his windows, "It's so clear out tonight,"

"Mhm,"

You were both standing at his window in his dark apartment, still in your fancy clothes from earlier in the night. You pictured how it looked from above and wished you could take a photo.

"I like how lights look on water. They kinda dance when the water moves," you thought out loud, then ate another Sour Patch Kid.

"I like how they dance, too," Kylo replied, then tossed his empty box of candy on a nearby chair. He stepped back next to you and started to absentmindedly play with your hair as he stared outside.

You spoke again and looked up at Kylo, "You like to touch my hair a lot,"

"I like to touch _you_ a lot," he replied, taking your candy out of your hands and setting it on the same chair his empty box was.

"I wasn't done with that," you complained.

"I really don't care," Kylo stood in front of you and put one hand at your waist, the other in yours, lifting it.

You tensed at the realization of what he was doing.

"We didn't get to dance the other night," he said softly, "You almost puked on me last time, remember? I'm going to dance with you now,"

It was as if someone punched you in the stomach when you heard Kylo tell you he was going to dance with you. You wondered how exactly you'd bring yourself to leave in two weeks, all of this just a memory or fever dream of what you did during one month of your life. You knew there'd never be another Kylo Ren to pop up in your life to irritate you, dance with you, have fun with you, or make you feel the way he did.

Kylo was looking at you, waiting for you to say something. He was teasing with his words about the last time he tried to dance with you, but Kylo's eyes were soft. He was completely serious about dancing right now and you knew it.

"There's no music," you managed to choke out. You figured you'd cry if you said any more. No one had ever _really_ danced with you.

And no, grinding on your date at junior prom didn't count.

"Welllll," Kylo let go of you and stepped over to his balcony doors, opening them. The cold air slowly blew through the room as he walked back over to you, putting you in dancing position yet again, "Honking and sirens can be our music. New York's soundtrack,"

He was doing everything right, but it was making your heart break.

_Two weeks._

"I can't dance," you noted, biting your lip to distract yourself from how lovely this all was.

Kylo made his head do a little dance in front of yours so he could make you look at him.

"You have so many reasons not to dance," he said softly, "I bet you'd like dancing with me, little angel,"

Your heart pounding, you whispered, "I'm scared,"

Kylo swallowed. You could tell he knew what you meant.

You weren't scared of dancing. You were scared of what you might feel. You were scared you'd push yourself over the edge with Kylo, falling so deep you couldn't get out. He knew this was over in two weeks. Why was he pushing this? Why was he so sweet? Why did he care so much? He shouldn't care. _You_ shouldn't care.

But you did. And you knew he did.

Kylo nudged the tip of his nose on yours, "Don't be scared,"

A faint siren in the distance filled the room. The music was playing.

"Okay...help me dance," you quietly gave in with a shy smile.

Kylo nodded and started to move his feet to the side, with you following his every move closely. His eyes looked like they were practically sparkling at you and it made you want to curl up in a ball and die.

You were in deep.

So. Fucking. Deep.

"You're not bad, hot head," Kylo uttered as he swayed and stepped with you.

You accidentally bumped him as you danced slowly and it made you giggle harder than normal, mostly because you were so out of sorts with this whole thing. Your feelings for Kylo were overwhelming you and he wasn't doing anything to help. He was giggling with you, making your situation only worse. The sound of his little laugh was something you wanted to hear every day. It was so adorable.

"Never mind," he teased you, "You _are_ bad,"

You giggled some more and lightly kicked his ankle, "I hate you," you smiled.

Kylo stopped dancing and kept his hand on your waist, while the other that was in your hand moved to your cheek, cupping it. Both of your smiles quickly faded, and soon, it was just you and Kylo standing there in the dark, looking at each other.

It was strange. Kylo during the day was completely different from Kylo at night. Kylo at night was softer, gentler, sweeter. You liked both versions of him, but Kylo at night would be the one to pick you up from the floor only to shatter you in the end when you had to leave.

Kylo leaned down and kissed you delicately. His lips were soft and inviting, making you realize you could kiss him for years. His tongue gently mixed into your kiss, finding your own and brushing against it.

Yeah...there was no fucking way you were getting out of here alive.

Kylo broke the kiss for a moment to whisper, "You taste like candy,"

You kissed him again softly, then whispered back, "That's what I've been eating, silly,"

"No," he started, "You always taste good. Like candy,"

"Oh...well, good," you blushed.

Kylo let the sounds from the streets below fill the apartment again. You tugged on his tie and made him lean down and kiss you again in the cold apartment. There were goosebumps on your skin from the cold breeze and from kissing Kylo, but you didn't care. Temperature didn't matter to you. Everything just kind of faded away when you were with Kylo like this.

He pulled away again and cleared his throat, clearly nervous.

"I didn't like not talking to you...this week, I mean. I don't want that again," Kylo shook his head.

"Because you like my company and you enjoy me?" you asked, paraphrasing him from last night.

"Yes,"

It was silent for a second.

"We've been so nice to each other today," you said softly.

Kylo pressed his forehead on yours, "I think you know why,"

Every muscle in your body was rigid as 'I think you know why' rung in your ears. He was right. You knew exactly why. Moments of tenderness, fun, and innocence told you there was something between the two of you, whether you wanted it face it or not.

"I know," you whispered.

Your mouth was suddenly dry and your stomach twisted. You had to bite the inside of your cheek to find the courage to say the next words that came out of your mouth.

"Kylo," you started, your voice weak. Kylo stood up straight, listening.

You continued, "I'll be in there," you looked over at his room, "Give me two minutes, then go in, okay?"

His jaw tightened and he took a sharp breath in. Kylo didn't say anything. He simply nodded and understood.

When you walked into his room, you shut the door behind you and buried your face in your hands.

You were about to have sex. You decided it.

You wanted to scream, the feeling in your chest growing intensely from excitement and anxiety. Luckily, you didn't scream. You got over yourself and went into the bathroom to look at yourself. Your makeup was a little messy but it didn't look awful. You pinched your cheeks, giving it some color before kicking off your Vans and socks. You brushed your fingers through your hair, grabbed a towel, and stepped out of the bathroom.

You put the towel on the bed, just in case you bled, and thought for a moment. Should you...undress? Put on one of his shirts like he likes? Your mind was all over the place, unsure of what to do...what to expect...how to be.

You didn't have much time to think about it anymore when you heard a knock at the door. Kylo slowly entered, staring at you. You were in the middle of the room, eyes wide, looking back at him.

God, you were nervous.

"Will you help me? With my...with my dress?" you asked Kylo. Your heart was beating faster than you thought it ever had before.

Kylo nodded and walked over to you. He stood in front of you and didn't need to peek behind as he reached around you and unzipped your dress slowly, all while watching you. When he was done, you slid each little strap off of your shoulders.

You bit your lip nervously, "I want you to take off the rest, Kylo,"

He let out a deep exhale and you saw his fingers shake as he reached up to each strap, "I can't wait to see you, little angel,"

Kylo gently slid each strap down your arms. Your dress didn't need a bra, so you weren't wearing one at all. When the fabric slid down your chest, revealing your tits, Kylo dropped the rest of the dress to your feet. He hooked your black, lace panties in his fingers and removed them from your hips, letting them fall to your feet as well.

You stepped away from the dress and Kylo quickly kicked it aside and stood back so he could take you in. You were standing in front of Kylo, completely naked, and you'd never felt safer in your life.

"I've waited so long to see you like this," Kylo swallowed as he removed his suit jacket and tossed it to the floor. He started to walk toward you and untie the tie around his neck, "Little angel, do you know what you do to me?" Kylo asked.

You didn't answer. You couldn't. You were so frozen by him. By everything.

When his tie was off, he stood in front of you and started to unbutton his dress shirt. You began to unbuckle his belt and unzip his pants, helping him undress. Everything moved slowly, the two of your taking your time with his clothes. Kylo removed his shirt and stepped out of his slacks, letting you see him just as he saw you.

Now that you were both naked, standing in front of each other, you realized you wanted him all over you.

"Kylo," you said softly, "I want you,"

In a matter of milliseconds, Kylo's lips crashed to yours and he was backing you up until you hit the bed with your calves. You lowered yourself on the mattress and Kylo quickly climbed on top of you, letting your lips separate for only a moment before he found them again. It was no longer slow with Kylo, the two of you desperate for each other's kiss. He was devouring you desperately and you didn't know how much longer you could take.

"Do you know how much I want you?" he asked between kisses.

You were now a mess as Kylo's weight on you, his tongue twisting with yours, and his cock lightly brushing against your pussy became too much. You whimpered into his kiss and arched your back, pressing your body harder into him. You needed him and wanted to let him know just how bad you had it for him.

"Kylo, fuck me. Please, Kylo," you breathed, taking his face in your hands as he hovered above you, "Please,"

He smiled softly and kissed you again before pulling away, "Little angel, it might hurt. I have to make you feel good first," Kylo explained, "Do you want me to make you feel good?"

You nodded desperately.

Kylo kissed your neck while one of his hands snaked down to your cunt, not yet touching you there.

"I'm going to make you feel so nice," he breathed onto your neck and let two fingers slide over your pussy, letting your juices coat his fingers, "Do I always make you this wet, little angel?"

You moaned at the simple touch and quickly covered your mouth with your hand, embarrassed.

Kylo lifted his head from your neck, "Don't try to be quiet. Move your hand, baby,"

You obeyed and let your hand fall to the sheets next to you, gripping them as Kylo slowly moved his fingers over you once more. He was watching your face as he pushed the two, thick fingers inside of you.

"Oh, Kylo," you moaned.

He kissed your cheek as he watched you fall apart by his fingers. You started to buck your hips against his hand, reeling in every sensation. Kylo's fingers stayed inside of you and worked as he shifted down the bed, between your legs.

He removed his fingers and put them in his mouth, sucking on them.

You'd never heard or seen anything like that before and it only made you want him more. You needed him to show you everything. To fuck you every which way. To let you explore sex.

You knew he would.

"You taste like heaven, little angel," he sighed, sucking every drop of you off of his fingers. Kylo started to kiss your inner thighs, "Can I taste more? Can I make you feel good?"

"Y-Yes," you panted.

Kylo gripped your thighs and licked up your slit, tasting you more. You heard him whisper little curses as he lapped at your pussy, telling you how nice you tasted. 

Kylo started to flick his tongue over your clit, focusing on pleasuring you now. His tongue was hitting you in a way you'd never felt before and you figured it was only a way that Kylo could pleasure you. There was no way any other man could make you feel like this.

You instinctively reached down and grabbed at his hair. Kylo took that as a sign you wanted more and you soon felt his fingers in you again while he sucked on your clit. Kylo's eyes stayed on yours, wanting to see you squirm with each touch of his.

He curled his fingers upwards to hit you in just the right spot, then entered a third finger. You winced slightly, but Kylo started rubbing his thumb over your clit now, helping with the slight stretch.

"You're doing so well, little angel," Kylo praised you.

His words, his touch, and this whole moment was sending you over quickly. You started to feel a building in your lower stomach that only increased as Kylo kept pleasuring you.

"Kylo—" you moaned, "I'm—"

You were so sensitive to each sensation that you couldn't speak in full sentences. Your lips parted and you gripped the sheets beside you again, your hands leaving Kylo's hair.

"I know," he mumbled into your thigh as he kissed it, his fingers still fucking you.

You couldn't take it anymore, the feeling in your lower stomach was growing too strong and building too fast. You came on Kylo's fingers and felt a release that was developing the second you stepped foot in Kylo's apartment two weeks ago. It felt like everything melted in your head at once, waves of bliss buzzing through you.

"My little hot head," his voice vibrated against your skin as he trailed kissed up your stomach, "I love how you come so quickly for me,"

Your walls were still spasming around his fingers as he let you ride out your orgasm until you were done, leaving you to catch your breath.

Kylo's elbows dug into the bed on each side of your head and he hovered over you again. Kylo kissed your lips hard as you wrapped your legs around his waist, bringing him closer to you. He sighed into your mouth when he felt his cock press onto your cunt. Even though you were still getting over your orgasm, your ears still humming, you didn't care. You wanted Kylo to feel as good as you were feeling.

You cupped his cheeks and broke the kiss. Virginity was something you thought a lot about. You knew it was just a social construct, but you wanted to save it for someone you liked. Someone who was special to you. When you signed up for this whole thing, you threw that out the window, sacrificing that part of what you wanted.

Now that you were here, though, you realized that Kylo was exactly who you were saving it for. You liked him. You trusted him. He was special to you. You wanted him. He was the only person you'd want to do this.

You couldn't help it, but your eyes started to water, feeling overwhelmed. You wanted him in so many ways that it started to hurt.

Kylo looked concerned, "Is it too much for one night?"

You blinked the tears away, "No, it's not. I'm sorr—"

"Are you sure?" he asked again, pressing his forehead to yours.

You smiled, "I'm sure. Please, Kylo," you gave him a small kiss, then locked your eyes on his, "I want to be with you like this. I want this,"

Kylo's eyebrows knitted and he whispered, "I might not be able to let you go,"

"I don't want you to, Kylo," you confessed quietly.

With that, Kylo kissed you once more, long and hard.

One of his hands reached down to your pussy, gathering your wetness and slicking the cum that was on his fingers onto his cock. He pressed his tip on you and waited for you to tell him it was okay.

You nodded nervously.

Kylo leaned down to kiss you again, "Tell me if it's too much," he said against your lips, "I can stop,"

You nodded again and your heart beat like crazy as you waited for Kylo to align himself to enter you. Kylo kept his eyes on yours as he slowly pushed himself inside of you, stretching your pussy for the first time. Because you were so wet, it helped with the pain but there was still a stinging feeling that grew as he entered you fully. You winced and sucked air through your teeth, but it was mostly out of shock.

Kylo's lips parted as pleasure rang through him from entering you, "You feel amazing, little angel. Are you okay?"

You were uncomfortable and it didn't feel like heaven, but you knew it wasn't bad and you'd get used to it eventually. You nodded once more and told him to keep going. You wanted Kylo to feel good.

"Tell me if I need to stop," he reminded you again, then began to thrust into you gently. 

Kylo was still watching you, making sure you were okay as he fucked you. He was trying not to pay attention to his own pleasure and you could tell. Kylo's lips would part, then tightly close again. He didn't want to let go. He wanted to keep his focus on you.

"Kylo," you started, "You can go faster if you want,"

"Are you sure?" he asked.

The way he cared more about you than himself made your heart swell.

"Yes. I want you to go faster, Kylo," you told him.

Kylo nodded and went faster, letting go of the control he was trying to keep. Loose strands of hair fell over Kylo's eyes, so you pushed them back behind his ears. 

"I'm so proud of you, little angel," he breathed and kissed your forehead, "So proud,"

The uncomfortable feeling of sex for the first time was melting away the more you watched Kylo as he fucked you.

"You're the only one I want to do this with, Kylo," you whispered, "Only you,"

Kylo gripped your jaw, making you look directly at him now. His hazel eyes were glowing into yours and his expression made your cheeks heat. He was looking at you like you were his most prized possession, something he loved.

"You have no idea what you do to me," he swallowed, "How you make me feel,"

"I make you feel good," you stated softly and angled your hips slightly, making him hit you in a better spot for both of you. You felt occasional waves of pleasure mixed in with the overall pain.

Kylo moaned and buried his head in your neck, unable to look at you, "You make me _feel_ , little angel,"

You clenched yourself around his cock and felt more vibrations at your neck, Kylo grunting into it. He started to fuck you harder and you knew he was close.

Kylo put all of his weight on his elbows next to you again and kissed you as he thrusted into you harder, "You look so pretty getting fucked by me, little angel," he breathed, "I'm going to come inside of you and you'll look even prettier, your pussy full of my cum,"

You squeezed his waist with your legs and replied, "Please come inside of me, Kylo,"

Kylo pushed deeper inside of you, leaving the both of you moaning. Kylo's jaw became slack and you felt his cock tighten, warm cum filling you soon after. He tried to kiss you as he came, but Kylo groaned at your lips, making them vibrate, as he finished spilling every drop inside of you.

He stayed inside of you and began to kiss your jaw and cheeks, showering you with affection and praise, "You did so well, little angel. I'm so proud of you. Do you feel okay?"

Kylo was still kissing you all over your face as you replied, "I feel good, Kylo. You make me feel good in so many ways,"

"I can't wait for you to get used to this," Kylo said, no longer kissing you, "I'm going to show you how good it can feel for you, little angel,"

He pulled out of you, cum leaking out and onto the towel underneath you. The feeling of him no longer inside of you was a strange one and you felt a soreness already.

Kylo got off of the bed and held his hand out for you to take. You took it with shaky fingers and stood, your knees wobbly. You looked back at the towel on the bed and saw that you didn't bleed at all. You guessed it was different for everyone.

Kylo started to lead you to the bathroom until he noticed how shaky you were. He quickly scooped you up and started walking. Normally, you'd object to being carried at all, but you couldn't find the strength or the want to stop him. Being in his arms felt like home.

When you were in the restroom, he set you down and half-stepped in his large shower, turning on the water.

"You should use the restroom first, little angel," he lifted your chin, "I'll be back in a second,"

You nodded and Kylo left, leaving you to pee so there'd be no risk of UTI's. When you were done, you knocked on the door, signaling to Kylo that it was okay to come in, and stepped in the shower.

You let the hot water run over your body and hair. You were just standing there, letting the feeling encompass you. Your mind was foggy a moment ago, but now you were suddenly hit with the realization that you actually just had sex with Kylo. It wasn't a dream. It was real.

Kylo entered the room and stepped into the shower.

"Do you still feel okay?" he asked, kissing your forehead.

He was being so gentle with you, still. You hoped it'd last forever.

"I feel okay," you giggled, "I promise,"

"Good," Kylo said quietly.

He moved under the water and let it coat his hair as you stood there, watching him. Kylo looked like some kind of God, his hands at his hair, arm muscles on display. This was who just fucked you and would be fucking you for the next two weeks.

_Two weeks._

Your stomach fell a little and you didn't realize you were frowning until Kylo called your name, asking what was wrong.

"Sorry," you smiled, "Nothing is wrong,"

Kylo gave you a sad look, "Did you not want to...Do you regre—"

"No! I wanted it. I _want_ it," you gave a nervous smile, "I just have resting bitch face, haha," you lied.

Kylo seemed relieved and took your face in his hands, "Good, little angel. Now, let me take care of you,"

You gave him a small 'okay' and spent the rest of the shower in shock. Kylo washed you, spreading soap all over your body, and washed your hair, too. You knew he could be kind, but you didn't know he could be like _this_.

You wondered how many other women he had washed before and where he learned to take aftercare this seriously.

When you were done in the shower, Kylo stepped out and put a towel around his waist. The visual was seriously sexy as fuck. He then grabbed another towel and unfolded it, toweling off your body before letting you wrap it around your chest.

After changing into pajamas, a silk tank top and shorts for you and a pair of boxers for Kylo, you sat on his living room couch and watched TV with him for a while. It was like everything was completely different, yet still the same.

Kylo got up and told you to stay as he went to his room, only to come back a second later with a pillow in his hand. He set it on the couch and told you to lay down, so you did, yawning in the process. Kylo took a throw blanket off of the other couch and laid behind you, spreading the blanket over both of you.

You were now spooning as you watched TV.

You felt like a real couple or something.

"Can we do that again tomorrow?" you asked shyly over the TV noise.

Kylo chuckled and kissed your shoulder, "I'm going to fuck you every single day, little angel,"

Every day until you _leave_.

Two weeks better go by slowly, you thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sex is different for everyone, especially the first time.


	11. calm up!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sex (esp. the first time) can never be portrayed in a way that is 100% accurate to everyone. since this is a -fanfic- (lol) I don't want to focus on the pain that usually comes with sex the first few or more times. just know that this is not everyone's experience and is downplayed due to the story :)

When you woke up on Sunday morning, you were reminded that sex with Kylo wasn't a dream. He was laying behind you on the couch, cute as ever. You spent all day Sunday having sex with Kylo. Even though it was still uncomfortable, you pushed yourself to get used to it. You didn't want to spend another second of your last two weeks here _not_ fucking him. By Sunday night, the sex felt better and Kylo kept it gentle. Plus, you didn't fight...at _all._ You thought it must have been some kind of miracle of a weekend.

Not only did he fuck you, but he also laughed with you, read with you, and talked with you on Sunday. There was a moment when he shared about his parents, both of whom you found out had passed a few years ago. He didn't have to share anything with you. He didn't have to have a good time with you.

But he did.

And you knew it'd only make leaving at the end of the month harder.

You shoved the impending doom of walking away from Kylo's life into the back of your mind, not wanting it to ruin the present.

When Kylo _wasn't_ inside of you Sunday, you got to talk to Nicky on the phone and texted Kelstra, letting her know you were alive, keeping up with your lie. Nicky told you he got a fancy TV early last week in the mail and there was a note on it, saying it was from you. It definitely wasn't from you, but you knew exactly who it _was_ from: Kylo. He sent it after you told him why you needed the other TV so much. He acted like it was no big deal, but it was a huge deal to you.

Maybe Kylo had a heart.

And maybe, _just maybe_ , if you wanted to make a place for yourself in it, there'd be room for you.

Maybe.

** Day Seventeen. **

You woke up Tuesday morning around 6AM and you were actually happy about it. It was early as fuck, but yesterday, Kylo didn't wake you as he left, leaving you a little sad you didn't get to see him until he got back to the apartment around five o'clock. You forgave him when he made you come three times.

You blinked tiredly as you woke and felt Kylo's big, warm body was pressed against your back, holding you close. How would you ever sleep by yourself again? The feeling of being next to someone like this was so lovely. Especially when that someone was Kylo Ren.

You turned around to face Kylo. His expression was completely relaxed, eyes closed, his lip occasionally wiggling as he dreamed, and he was so goddamn beautiful it hurt. After a moment of admiring him, you decided to quietly roll out of Kylo's bed and pee, wash your face, brush your teeth...the normal shit.

When you were done, you tiptoed to the kitchen to make breakfast because...honestly you saw girls do this shit in movies. You fit the part pretty well considering you were in one of his big t-shirts, only wearing your panties underneath.

Yeah, this felt like one of those corny movies and you were loving every second of it.

After you got out a pan and some eggs and bacon, you reached up to one cabinet, trying to grab coffee mugs that Kylo kept on a higher shelf. You had one hand on the counter, the other outstretched above you, your fingers _almost_ touching a mug handle. The cold air on your ass from Kylo's t-shirt on you riding up sent little goosebumps to your legs.

You finally reached a mug, bringing it down and setting it on the counter before trying to reach for another. Your arm was up again, you were on your tiptoes, and your shirt was rising above your ass once more.

Suddenly, you felt arms around your waist, bringing you down from your tiptoes. Kylo was hugging you from behind, his hips pressed against your ass and his mouth at your ear.

"Hi," he said in a raspy, morning voice, "My good little angel is making me breakfast, hm?"

His breath on your ear made your heart pound. You stopped trying to reach the last mug and let yourself relax behind Kylo as he pressed you against the counter. It was hard not to be so turned on by everything he did. You figured you could probably be in a shitty mood and all he'd have to do was look at you and it'd make you want to devour him.

"I'm trying to make something for us but—"

Kylo lifted your t-shirt above your ass, making you gasp mid-sentence.

"—but you're distracting me,"

"I distract you?" Kylo's hands started to rub up and down your ass, squeezing every so often, "I think you're the one who distracts me,"

You leaned into him and reached your arm back, finding his hair and shoving your fingers through it as he continued.

"I want you like this every morning," he said, still rubbing and kneading at your backside, "Making me coffee...cooking me breakfast. I think I have to keep you,"

You turned your head around as far as it could go so you could kiss him, "We can't have you making any more breakfast, can we?" you smiled, thinking about when his cooking quite literally made you sick.

One of his hands wrapped around your hips and went between your legs, feeling your cunt over your panties, "You make me food," He pressed his middle finger on your clit and you inhaled sharply at the feeling, your back arching and your ass pressing harder against his erection behind you, "And I make you come. Doesn't that sound nice, little angel?"

"Mhm," you hummed and closed your eyes, wanting to focus on every single touch of his on your body.

Kylo pulled your face to his and kissed you hard, inhaling into the kiss before pulling away, "Do you want me to fuck you with my mouth—" he started, "or with my dick?"

"Dick," you breathed, now aching for him, "I want to feel you in me again,"

Even though you were still a little sore, you needed him. The way he felt when you were around him, Kylo pushing inside of you, was addicting. Kylo kissed you again, before telling you to lean on your elbows over the counter.

"Little angel, it's going to feel so good for you getting fucked by me from behind," he said, kneeling behind you, kissing your ass.

You told him to kiss your ass so many times in your head, this being the last of what you meant, but you weren't complaining.

Kylo gave small love bites between kisses before taking the lace of your panties between his teeth, slowly pulling them down your legs. He dropped the underwear out of his mouth near your knees, letting them fall to the floor before he kissed up your leg.

It was like he knew exactly what to do to make you crave him.

You arched your back instinctively and pressed your cheek on the granite, no longer holding yourself up by your elbows, "Kylo," you whispered, needy.

"I hear you, little angel," Kylo stood and you felt him shift behind you, pulling down his boxers. He put the tip of his cock between your folds and let out a deep exhale as he let the wetness between your legs coat him, "Do you hear that, little angel? Do you hear how wet you are for me?"

You were pulsing at his every touch, every move, every sentence as you let out a little moan of a reply, "Mhm,"

Kylo put one hand on your waist, the other holding his cock at your entrance, "Tell me when,"

"Now, please," you whimpered.

Kylo squeezed your waist, "Such a sweet little angel, saying please,"

You felt him enter you slowly, small pains hitting you as he pushed deeper. You screwed your eyes shut and winced at the pain that you knew would only last a few seconds until you got adjusted to him.

Kylo cursed words of pleasure before asking, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay,"

"Good girl," he leaned down and kissed your shoulder, "I'm so proud of you, little angel,"

His head stayed down as he pushed into you again, his hair tickling your temple. Kylo was slow as he thrusted into you at first, letting you adjust around him, but he quickly picked up the pace, making pleasure roll through your body.

Kylo was right, this position was so fucking good. You felt every move of his cock inside of you like this and you swore he was deeper than you'd felt him before, allowing him to hit your g-spot better.

Tension was building in your core over time as Kylo fucked you. It felt like with each thrust, he was trying to push as deep into you as possible, leaving you crying out sounds of pleasure throughout the kitchen.

Fuck—throughout the whole _apartment_.

Kylo groaned and told you how good it felt to be inside of you, how he wanted to make a home in you, how he loved this feeling and could only get it from you. You didn't know if he meant it or if he was just spewing out words he thought you might like to hear, but you loved the way he spoke to you when he fucked you, lies or not.

He mostly stood, but occasionally dipped down when he thrusted, kissing your back and pulling your hair a little. Kylo's grunts were growing louder and your moans were too, both of you getting close. He snaked his arm down and began to rub at your clit as he fucked you, telling you how much he loved watching you when he did that and how beautiful you looked when your eyebrows raised, close to climaxing.

Your legs and pussy tensed at the feeling that was soon to wash over you. Warmth grew in your lower stomach and you stood on your tiptoes and scrunched your face, clenching around Kylo's cock. You kept moving with him, pushing your body back to his as you felt waves of pleasure ride over your body, leaving you warm all over, now.

You couldn't help but cry out pleasure-filled moans that sounded more like sobs. You came so hard around him, your walls twitching for what felt like forever as you rode it out.

"So pretty when you come. My little mess," he breathed, the end of his sentence barely forming because of how close he was.

"You want me to fill you up, now?" he asked, thrusting harder into you, "You want me to come inside of you?"

You were still coming down from your orgasm, catching your breath, as you replied, "Yes, Kylo,"

"Be a good little angel—fuck—and tell me what you want me to do,"

You squeezed yourself around him, hoping to help make him feel good, and sputtered through your now tired lips, "Kylo, I want you to co—"

Suddenly, you felt warm cum shoot inside of you and Kylo groan loudly, leaning over you, his chest on your back.

"Couldn't fucking help it," he said through his teeth, "I love this,"

He loved this.

Kylo gave a few final, hard pumps, letting every drop spill into you before pulling out and tucking himself back in his boxers.

Your ears rang as Kylo pulled you up to stand straight, your legs shaky.

"That felt so good, Kylo," you gave him a lazy smile as he turned you around to face him.

His glossy, tired eyes moved to your hair as he played with it, "There's so much more, little angel," Kylo said casually, "But right now, you need to go clean up while I start the coffee,"

\--

You spent the rest of the day reading the many books Kylo had gotten for you as you waited for him to get back from work. While you knew the days alone were boring _before_ this weekend, today and yesterday felt incredibly empty without him. You were so close with him Saturday and Sunday, only to be without him during the daytime on weekdays. It sucked not to be able to laugh with someone or kiss someone all day. Plus, it didn't help that he fucked you this morning, then had to leave. You spent the day missing him and how he felt inside of you.

You missed _him_.

When Kylo got home from work, it was late and he looked tired...no, he looked _exhausted._

"Hi," you greeted him from the couch, "How was work?"

"It was shit," he sighed, walking to you and setting his bookbag down on the ground. Kylo took off his coat and threw it over one of the couches.

You frowned, "Oh. Why?"

"I don't want to talk about my day at work," Kylo stepped in front of you and pushed your shoulders over, laying you down and crawling on top of you, "I want to lay here and watch TV and kiss you and maybe fuck you again,"

You were so glad it was getting dark outside already. Kylo at night was so fucking sweet.

Kylo's lips met yours, and as they did, you put your hands in his hair, making sure he stayed close to you. You didn't think you'd ever get tired of kissing him. His lips were always so soft, his tongue was always so skilled, and his kiss was always passionate, even when you were kissing slowly.

"You're being so nice today," you giggled against his lips, "What's the catch?"

"The catch? Oh, little angel," Kylo dipped his head to your neck, kissing it incessantly and jabbing his fingers into your sides.

He was tickling you.

You squirmed under him, laughing at his touch.

"Do you know that I love your laugh?" he mumbled in your neck "And I love that you wear my shirts...and I love that I come home and you're here," Kylo added.

"I think you're just tired," you smiled and rolled your eyes.

He kissed your lips softly again, then put his head on your chest and faced the TV that was turned onto the six o'clock news. It was like his words didn't register to him.

For him, you were someone to come home to.

This was all so domestic, Kylo laying on your chest watching the news, tickling and kissing you. Suddenly, a wave of dread washed over you. You couldn't let yourself get used to this. You couldn't let yourself get _lost_ in this. You thought you could push the feeling of doom away, but every time he was sweet, you just couldn't. It slowly hurt your heart.

You cleared your throat and tapped his back, telling him to get up, "I'm gonna get a glass of water," you said quickly, eyes everywhere but his.

Kylo shifted, letting you get up, and laid back down. While you were in the kitchen, you stared at the glass of water for a moment, thinking. Should you enjoy it while it lasts, leaning into the affection, or save yourself the pain later and resist the fluffy stuff all you can?

Resist.

You walked over to the couches and stood a few feet away from Kylo, "Um, I'm gonna read in the library," you said, giving a polite smile and turning around to head to his library, needing to get the fuck outta there before he tried to be sweet with you again. You couldn't afford to fall in love with this man.

Kylo sat up, calling your name. When you turned around to face him again, he turned off the TV and stood.

"I know there's nothing good on this TV but...BestBuy is open. Let's go," he suggested, "We can get a Fire Stick or whatever the fuck that thing is,"

Kylo thought you were leaving because you didn't like what was on TV.

Goddammit, he made it so hard to resist him.

You tried to tell him no, that it was okay and you didn't need for him to get a Fire Stick, but after much convincing from Kylo, you were now in his apartment parking garage, on the way to his car.

"Let's take the subway," you looked up at Kylo with big, pleading eyes, "Please? It'll be fun,"

He made a disgusted face, "No. The subway is gross,"

" _You're_ gross," you retorted.

"Am I, now?" Kylo cocked an eyebrow and peeked over at you as he walked.

You frowned, "No, you're not. But please? The subway isn't even that disgusting!"

_Fuckin' lie._

"No," he stated again.

You tugged on his jacket, "Please? Please? Please? Kylo, please?" you begged over and over again, "Kyloooo, I wanna see you on the subway like a normal person so bad,"

Kylo stopped dead in his tracks in the parking garage. He closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead, contemplating. A smile formed over your face, hoping he was seriously considering taking the subway.

"Fine," he rolled his eyes and turned to go toward the parking garage stairs so the two of you could walk on the street.

"For real?!" you squealed and practically skipped to catch up with him.

"Whatever," he grumbled and took your hand.

After walking a couple of blocks in the cold, you finally went down into the subway and waited for the train.

"If we were in my car, your legs wouldn't be so cold," Kylo remarked on the subway platform, eyeing your bare legs.

He was still grumpy and it was like everything was back to normal again.

You rolled your eyes, "My legs are fine,"

When you were finally on the train, Kylo raised his shoulders, making sure he couldn't touch anyone in the crowded car. You giggled and held onto the pole for support as the train doors were closing. He was so dramatic.

"That's so disgusting," Kylo muttered, "You know how many germ—"

The jolt of the car made him grab onto the pole, too. Your jaw dropped and a huge smile came over your face, "Look at _you_! Germing up those hands!" you laughed.

"Fuck off,"

You gave him a fake pout, "What happened to sweet Kylo?"

"You made him take the fucking subway," he sighed.

"You'll be fine," you smiled.

The rest of the way there, you and Kylo didn't say anything to each other, but he did move behind you, still holding the pole, to rest his chin on the top of your head.

Maybe you'd try and resist the fluffy stuff until tomorrow.

\--

At BestBuy, you and Kylo found the Fire Sticks and grabbed one off of the shelf.

"Remember the last time we were here?" you asked, looking up at Kylo, "I wanted to murder you,"

Kylo cocked an eyebrow at you, "I think you still want to murder me sometimes, little angel,"

"Sometimes,"

As you walked toward the checkout at the front of the big store, following Kylo, you passed by the video game aisle, where three children were running around, their parents nowhere to be seen.

"Do you want kids?" you accidentally blurted without thinking.

You were such an idiot, sometimes.

Kylo didn't seem phased by the personal question. He just kept walking down the store aisle and answered, "No...I mean, I don't think so," he glanced at your over his shoulder, "Do you?"

"One day, hopefully," you nodded.

"Hm," he hummed, then faced forward again.

When you got to the checkout, you were relieved it wasn't Lars from the last time you were here. You swore you'd punch him if you saw him again. It was some guy named 'Pete', you read from the nametag. He looked around your age and had cute, curly brown hair.

"Hi, Pete," you smiled and slid the Fire Stick across the table surface.

"Hi, how are you?" Pete asked, checking out the Fire Stick. A little 'beep' sounded.

"I am so good. How are you? Busy night?" you couldn't help it. You had only really talked to Kylo lately. You needed other human interaction.

Pete smiled at you, probably not used to people actually inquiring about his night, "Not too busy at all, which is nice," he put the device in a bag and continued, "Any plans for tonight?"

"Oh, I don't think anything big. Probably just using that, haha," you giggled, pointing at the Fire Stick in the bag, "Do you have one? Do you like it?"

Pete shook his head, "Nah, I've got a Roku TV. I've heard those are really good, though,"

"Oh, sweet! Yeah, I've heard about the Ro—"

Kylo cleared his throat and stepped behind you, putting his arms around your waist and kissing your cheek as he spoke to Pete, "How much?"

"Oh, uh," Pete glanced at his computer, "$33.84,"

You could tell Pete's shoulders tensed a little at Kylo's icy tone.

"Great," Kylo said, kissing your cheek again before taking out his wallet and putting his credit card into the chip reader, "We can't wait to use this thing. Right, Angel?"

You gave a forced smile, "Mhm, right,"

When the transaction was completed, you thanked Pete, who was now not making eye contact anymore and left the store. As soon as you stepped out of the store and onto the sidewalk, Kylo muttered, "He wanted to fuck you,"

You rolled your eyes and pulled your coat tighter on you, "It's called having a conversation, weirdo,"

"He wanted to fuck you," Kylo repeated, his breath in the cold air visible as it left his lips.

You didn't understand. He had no reason to be jealous of some random dude you were having a conversation with. That was, unless, he wanted you for longer than just a month. He just wasn't saying it.

You pursed your lips together, annoyed, "But who's the one fucking me now, Kylo?"

Kylo smirked, liking your reply, "I am, little angel,"

"That you are...but you don't have to be so cold to everyone, you know," you noted.

Kylo took your hand as you walked, "You don't have to be so nice to everyone, you know,"

"Good thing I'm not nice to _you_. What a shame it'd be if we actually got along," you said, giving him a look and taking your hand away from his.

After walking a block, you came up on Target and you instantly got excited, forgetting all about Kylo's annoying interaction with the BestBuy cashier.

"OOOO!" you exclaimed, "Target is literally right here. Can we go? Please?"

He groaned, just wanting to get home.

"I wanna look around Target for fun," you stopped in front of the building, hoping Kylo would give in, "Please? We're already out,"

"For fun?" he squinted.

You wondered if he ever went anywhere just to walk around. Probably not.

You giggled, "Yeah, Kylo. For _fun_ ,"

Kylo sighed deeply, then walked by you, heading into the store. Just like earlier when you convinced him to take the subway, you skipped to catch up to him, excited he was doing something you wanted to do.

As you walked through the aisles with Kylo, looking at nothing in particular, he occasionally grumbled that he was tired or how dumb it was to just walk around. When you got to the kid's toy aisle, he stopped grumbling and looked curiously at the toys, even stopping in front of the Hot Wheel cars and lightly touching the packaging, examining the cars.

"My dad and I used to play with cars like these," he said nonchalantly, "I threw them all away though,"

"My dad and I used to play with these, too," you took one of the cars off of the hanger and looked at it, "Before he left,"

"He left?" Kylo's hands fell from the cars and he faced you.

"Mhm,"

You never really thought you'd disclose your daddy issues to Kylo, or anyone really, but here you were, in the children's toy aisle at Target, both sharing small details of your complicated relationship with each of your parents.

"He sounds awful," Kylo said, his eyes soft, "To leave you, I mean,"

You shrugged and turned around, walking down the rest of the aisle, with Kylo following you. He mindlessly played with the ends of your hair as you walked down the kitchen aisle, then in the home and décor aisle.

"Oooo, look how pretty this painting is," you pointed at a medium-sized canvas with a colorful painting of an anatomical heart.

"Looks cheap," he observed.

You held up the painting and smiled at it, "You can't put a price on art,"

"Really? Because this one is..." Kylo looked at the little tag on the back, "Thirty-two dollars,"

"You know what I mean," you nudged him and put the painting down, walking again.

Kylo found a walking stick in the outdoor aisle, and as he followed you around Target, he kept poking you with it. You felt it jab at your shoulder, your lower back, your calf, your ass, _everywhere_ as you walked.

"Kylo, quit," you rolled your eyes.

He poked you again on the ass.

" _Kylo_ ," you shot him a look, "Stop,"

"What?" he threw his hands up playfully, "I'm just having fun,"

You relaxed your tense shoulders and gave him a soft smile, feeling bad that you were being no fun. It was like the two of you constantly flip-flopped, you turning into him and him turning into you for moments at a time.

You darted forward and grabbed the stick from his hands and laughed as you poked him with it, "Fine, but I get to poke you back,"

It didn't take long for Kylo to overpower you, wrestling the stick out of your hands and throwing it on the floor before pushing you against the shelves and kissing you, his hands grabbing at your neck and waist, while yours automatically went to his hair.

You were surprised by the sudden, aggressive kiss, but you were so happy to be with him like this, knowing that he wanted you so badly and was having so much fun with you that he had to kiss you like crazy in Target.

"Little angel," he said between kissing you, "I think I'm going to tie you up for what you do to me,"

You dug your nails in his hair and pressed your body harder against his, "Dare you,"

Kylo bent his knees slightly and pushed his thigh between your legs, applying pressure to your cunt, making you moan softly in his mouth. He did it again, fully knowing it was getting you off, and you sighed against his lips once more.

You kinda forgot you were in Target until an employee stood at the end of the aisle and called out to the two of you, mid makeout.

"Hey, you guys can't do that here," the guy had a disgusted look on his face and motioned his hand as if he were telling you and Kylo to 'shoo'.

You broke the kiss and stood up straight, embarrassed.

"Sor—"

Kylo interrupted you, "Do what? _Kiss_?"

You lightly kicked his leg but Kylo didn't do anything, just stayed pressed against you until he dipped his head down to kiss you again in front of the worker.

He was feeling brave and you didn't like it.

"No, you can't do whatever _that_ was," the worker raised his eyebrows, "Do that at home,"

"Hey, fuck off," Kylo laughed.

You slapped his chest, "Kylo!"

"Alright, you guys have to leave," the worker announced, stepping toward the two of you.

Kylo stood up straight and you saw him puff out his chest a little, even though he really didn't need to. Kylo was already massive compared to this guy.

"Why's that?" Kylo cocked his head and smiled at the worker.

"We're leaving," you smiled apologetically at the poor guy and tugged on Kylo's arm.

"No, no, no," Kylo looked at you, then turned back to the employee, "We don't have to leave,"

The guy mumbled in his little radio, then told you and Kylo to leave again. You tugged on Kylo's arm once more and begged him to come on. Kylo was causing a scene and you were so fucking mad at him.

"Yes, you need to leave, sir," the worker said again.

"Fuck you," Kylo laughed again.

You buried your head in your hands, embarrassed.

"Alright, you guys can't come back to this store," the worker said, hands on his hips. Two more male workers came up behind him, ready to escort you and Kylo out.

_Jesus Christ._

"Seriously?" Kylo scoffed.

You grabbed Kylo's hand and squeezed it hard, "Kylo, shut up. Let's go,”

\--

You spent the subway ride giving Kylo death glares every time he tried to play with your hair. You waited until you got back to Kylo's apartment to let him have it.

"I can't believe you got me banned from Target! From motherfucking _Target_!" you exclaimed, taking off your shoes at his door and stepping inside.

Kylo followed you to the kitchen, "What? It's just a store,"

"Target is not just a store!" you exclaimed a little too loudly, "Sorry...I just really love Target. Why can't you just say 'okay' or 'won't happen again'? You didn't have to show him how much of a man you are back there and have a dick measuring contest! Ughhhh, you are so difficult," you groaned and turned away from him, reaching up in one of the cabinets to get a glass down.

"Calm down, hot head,"

You spun around, "You calm...UP!" you pressed your lips together, unhappy with your comeback, "Why'd you do that?"

"I was just having fun and not caring. Isn't that what you fucking want me to do?" his voice raised and his hands flew in the air dramatically.

Your jaw dropped, "Not like _that_ you big ass baby!"

Kylo laughed at you, "You're a child,"

You really hated it when people called you a child.

"Are you joking?" you squinted at him.

He wasn't joking, apparently, because he didn't say anything. He just looked at you with the same expression. Amused.

"I fucking hate you," you mumbled, setting the glass down and walking away from the kitchen, toward the hall of your old room, "Have fun sleeping alone, dumbass," you called out, then slammed your door.

You heard him yell, "I will!"

As you stood in your old room, collecting yourself, you realized that no one ever made you this angry, this irritated, or this upset. He was impossible. Annoying. Selfish. Rude. Arrogant.

You also realized no one had really ever made you feel this happy, giddy, or fun. Under all his layers, he was also sweet. Kind. Silly. Playful. Fun. You liked the way he made you feel and you knew it.

The fighting and stomping away happened so quickly and now that you were alone, thinking about it more a minute, you realized how dumb it all was, how out of hand it got for no reason, and how you overreacted.

You cared for Kylo and the last thing you wanted to be was angry at him. You were going to apologize, goddammit. You took a deep breath, then turned around and opened the door, ready to walk out and find Kylo.

You didn't need to find him, though. He was standing outside of the door, arm up, ready to knock.

"Hi," you said softly.

"Hi," he replied, dropping his arm.

Silence fell over the apartment as you stared up at Kylo, your apology freezing in your mouth as you slowly understood why he was at your door. He wanted to apologize, too.

Your lips parted to speak, but you were interrupted when he leaned down and kissed you softly. Kylo's hands fell on your waist and lifted your shirt to lightly touch your bare skin, wanting to feel you.

When you broke the tender kiss and looked at him for a moment, you couldn't help but kiss him again, harder this time. You wanted to be close to him, apologize with your kiss, not waste any more time together being so angry.

Kylo kissed back and met you with ferocity, his hands at your waist digging into your skin as he mumbled, "Are you angry at me?"

"No. You should be angry at me," you told him between kisses as you switched sides, "Are you?"

"No, little angel," Kylo replied as he lifted you up by the back of your thighs so you straddled him in the air, "I'm not mad at all,"

Kylo started to walk down the hall, peeking through his eyes every so often to make sure he didn't bump into anything. Your arms were wrapped around the back of his neck, holding on as he carried you.

"I'm sorry, little angel," he apologized.

"Me too," you said, then gave him a long, hard kiss before pulling back, "I don't want to fight,"

You and Kylo were now at his bedroom door, "Me either," he kicked it open, the sound of wood on his shoe thudding in the air, "I'm sorry I got you banned from Target,"

Now that you thought about it, it was actually pretty funny, even though you really did love that Target.

You smiled and kissed him again as he walked to the bed, "Fuck Target,"

You decided from here on out, you wouldn't try to resist any longer. Getting lost in Kylo was something you knew would hurt you, but it was something you wanted to do. You knew you'd never get this again. You were ready to fall headfirst into whatever the next week and a half brought to you. 


	12. just wanted to.

**** Day Eighteen. ** **

You woke to probably one of the weirdest feelings ever.

Not a bad feeling.

Just one you weren’t used to.

You were laying on your side, like you always did, but instead of being in an empty bed or Kylo behind you, you were cuddled up to Kylo’s chest, his big arms cradling your head, holding you close. You felt his lips brush on the top of your skull, leaving small kisses over and over again on you. They were slow, as if Kylo were just waking up, too, his first reaction to hold you…kiss you.

You thought you were dreaming.

“Hi,” you whispered, your sleepy voice barely there. You kept your eyes closed, still half-asleep.

“Did I wake you?” Kylo asked quietly against your hair.

_Yeah. Don’t mind it, though._

“No,” you lied, pushing your body closer to his, hoping you’d melt into him somehow.

“Oh, good,”

“What’s the time?” you mumbled.

“Early,”

“Early o’clock? I’ve never seen that on a watch,” you smiled.

Kylo’s raspy voice replied, “You’re so cheeky already?”

“You’re usually the feisty one during the day,” you commented and kissed his chest lightly. You couldn’t help it. You wanted to softly and sleepily kiss him everywhere.

“Am I?”

“Mhm,”

He was quiet for a moment, before mumbling tiredly, “I’ll try not to be anymore,”

“Okay,”

“Go back to sleep,”

You lightly kissed him again, not trying anything, just giving a small peck, “I don’t wanna miss this by sleeping,”

Fuck.

You didn’t mean for that to come out. Was it too mushy? Was it too much? Was it too…clingy?

“Go back to sleep,” Kylo repeated, ignoring your last statement.

“Okay,” you whispered against his chest, “Goodnight…or good morning. I dunno what’s what right now,”

“Morning,”

“Okay…morning, then,”

“Morning. Go to sleep,”

“Okay,”

It was pretty easy to fall asleep again, Kylo’s warm body enveloping yours, holding your head, kissing you softly.

When you woke, he was gone and light filled the room from the windows in his room. You were left alone again today, missing him.

\--

You laid in Kylo’s library, head on a pillow, and a book outstretched above you, reading one from his shelf. It was around five o’clock and you knew he’d be home soon. You were so goddamn excited to see him. Something about this morning sent little firecrackers through your body, sparking a new feeling towards him you were still trying to pinpoint. It was dumb and maybe you were overthinking it, but something about this morning felt different.

Ten minutes later, you heard the front door click open and Kylo found you soon after. He leaned on the doorframe of the library door and looked tired, but gave you a soft smile.

“Hi!” you grinned, “Did you get the stuff I asked for from the store?”

You texted him earlier to get two ingredients you needed for dinner.

“I did. It’s in the kitchen,”

“Thank you for doing that,” you set your book on the ground next to you and sat up, supporting yourself with your palms on the floor, “How was work?”

“Shitty,”

“Again?”

“Mhm,”

“That sucks,” you frowned.

“Mhm,”

As you got up from the floor and walked over to Kylo, his voice was soft as he spoke to you, “What did you do today?”

“Oh, um,” you tried to remember your day, looking up at the ceiling in thought, “Welllll, I made breakfast, then read some,” you thought some more.

Kylo was watching you intently as you spoke, listening to every word.

“Oh, and then and I went out on the balcony for a bit with a blanket and watched the city…then I made lunch and then I tried to do yoga from a YouTube channel thing but it hurt too much so I gave up,” you laughed awkwardly at that part, then realized you were rambling, “Um anyway, then I just came in here and read for a while. Nothing much,”

Kylo pushed your hair behind your ear, “You cook in my kitchen…” he said softly, then continued, “You read my books…”

Kylo started to walk forward, making you step back, “You sleep in my bed…”

Your ass bumped the edge of his desk.

“I think you’re mine,” he said softly.

“Well, you _did_ buy me…so yeah I’m yours for a bit,” you smiled and poked his arm playfully.

Kylo played with the ends of your hair, twirling a piece around his finger, “That you are,” he said quietly, his eyes away from yours.

It was hard not to completely dissolve at his words, even though they were simple. The way Kylo spoke tenderly to you could make you think anything he said was lovely, even if he called you ugly or something.

Your cheeks were warm and your heart was beating fast due to a mixture of arousal and fondness. You sat on his desk and opened your legs so he could step between them.

You reached up and placed your thumb on his plump bottom lip, grazing over it softly, “Do you like that I make myself at home here, Kylo?”

Kylo’s hands were at your waist now and he lightly kissed your thumb, “I do,”

With one hand on his face, your other hand slid down his torso, to his pants, “Do you like coming home to me?”

Kylo leaned down and kissed you softly on the lips, mumbling, “I do. Ever since you got here—” he kissed you again, “—I can’t wait to get back home,”

You started to unbuckle his belt, his lips still on yours, “To see me?”

Kylo’s grip on your waist got tighter and he pulled your toward him, your ass barely hanging on the desk, “To see you,”

“Because you enjoy me or something?” you smiled on his lips.

“Or something,” he mumbled back, before breaking the kiss and stepping back.

You frowned.

“Are we not…?”

Kylo sighed and buckled his belt back together, “No,”

“Um, okay,” you closed your legs and stood from the desk, smoothing down your skirt, “Why?”

Kylo smiled at your tiredly, then reached his arm out and palmed the back of your head, bringing you into his chest, hugging you. You froze at the contact. He never hugged you. He danced with you, fucked you, kissed you, held your hand, but…never hugged. You were pretty sure the last and only time he hugged you was when the two of you were sick and he wanted you to stay with him.

“Later. Not now,” he said, still hugging you. His chest vibrated from his deep voice and buzzed in your ear.

“Are you okay?” you asked softly.

“I think I just want to sit down with you. Watch something, maybe,”

You craned your neck to look up at him, “Like…a chill night?”

“Mhm,”

\--

After he changed out of his suit, you showed Kylo how to work the Fire Stick and played around with it for a bit, showing him all of the apps and streaming services that were available on it so he could use it when you left.

As you let him get used to the remote, you realized that small things around his apartment would soon be little ghosts of you. The blue ‘I HEART NY’ shirt in his closet, the little sketches you did of the states in his kitchen (he kept them by the sink to tease you), the Fire Stick, books in his library that had folded pages from when you bookmarked them.

All little ghosts of your presence in his home.

You shoved the thought away as you felt your heart ache and the faintest of tears pricking your eyes, your body trying to mourn something that hadn’t even happened yet. You were an emotional person, naturally, so you knew you had to cut it out before you thought about it too much.

“Okay, all set?” you smiled, ready to enjoy the moment again.

Kylo frowned, “I still don’t understand the microphone button, but sure,”

God, he was adorable and he didn’t even know it.

You giggled and took the remote from him, pressing the microphone button and holding it up to your face, talking into it, “Play _The_ _Amazing World of Gumball_ ”

“What the fuck is that?”

“A funny show,” you replied, entering your Hulu login information.

“Amazing Gumballs?”

“No, _The Amazing World of Gumball_ ,” you laughed, “Just trust me,”

“…okay,” Kylo looked back at the TV, “What are you doing now?”

This man really lived in the Stone Age.

“We have to login to watch it,” you told Kylo, putting your password in now, “Don’t worry, I’ll login to all of my accounts tomorrow so we can use all of the apps,”

“You have to pay for these things?”

“Mhm,” you hummed, clicking enter, “Monthly,”

Kylo put his feet up on his coffee table, “Put my card on it…to pay for them, I mean,”

You gave him a look, “Um, that’s okay. I can afford Netflix and Hulu. I’m still on my student discount because I’m sneaky and still registered with NYU,”

“No, let me. I’m using it,” he insisted.

…free Netflix sounded nice.

You pressed your lips together before giving in, “Okay…but we can do that tomorrow. I wanna show you this show. It’s so fucking funny,”

 _The Amazing World of Gumball_ started automatically playing once your login went through and Kylo knit his brow as you watched him, wanting to see his reaction.

“Is—Is this a kid’s show?” Kylo asked, eyes on the TV as the theme song played and little graphics came on the screen, “This is a _cartoon_ ,” he grumbled.

“Soooo,” you started, “It’s _technically_ a kid’s show, but it has adult humor and is really good,”

Kylo didn’t say anything, just watched as the show started. His eyes were glued to the TV. You thought he was so fucking cute, muttering about how it was a cartoon, only to be watching intently one second later. You took his arm and put it around you, then leaned into his body next to you.

“So…the bunny and the cat are married?” he asked, a few seconds in, “That seems weird,”

“It’s not real,” you giggled and put your hand on his thigh.

A few more seconds passed before Kylo asked more questions about the show, “Their kids are a bunny, a rabbit, and a…fish? Is that a fish? What the fuck is that?”

“He’s a fish,”

“Oh,”

Kylo watched a bit more.

“This is a stupid show,” he mumbled, but his eyes were still on the TV.

“We can turn it off if you want,” you offered, looking up at him.

Kylo leaned back into the couch, getting more comfortable, his arm around you pulling you closer, “No, no, like…stupid funny,”

The next few short episodes rolled by quickly, leaving you laughing every few seconds. You occasionally heard Kylo breathe small chuckles, but never fully laughing like you.

Around 5:45PM, you got up from the couch and went to the kitchen, wanting to start dinner. You told Kylo to find something else to watch if he wanted, but when you got to the kitchen, you heard the TV click off, the only noise in the apartment was the sound of the fridge doors as you opened them.

Kylo was now in the kitchen, leaning on the counter.

“I want to help,”

You raised your eyebrows dramatically, “Whaaat? Is Kylo Ren going to help me cook? _The_ Kylo Ren? It must be Christmas!” you exclaimed, throwing your hands in the air.

“You’re lucky I’m too tired to fuck you until you can’t speak,” he said casually, leaving you looking at him wide-eyed, “Now, let me help you make dinner,”

You swallowed and became instantly flushed at his words. He’d been so gentle with you since Saturday, in terms of sex. You wondered what it’d be like if he really did fuck you until you couldn’t speak. You knew he would soon.

“O-Okay,” you started, “Um…will you start by dicing the avocado?”

Kylo did as you said as you got out a baking dish and prepped it for the enchiladas you were about to make. You worked beside Kylo, telling him what to do next. You told him you’d write down every recipe you made for him while you were here so he could have it later.

You said ‘later’ instead of ‘when I’m gone’.

It helped you not get too upset about eventually leaving.

As you prepped the dinner with Kylo, your shoulders would brush by each other, and it seemed like every time that happened, Kylo would lean his head down and kiss the top of your head before going back to doing whatever he was doing with the food.

Tonight felt sweet.

Safe.

Like home.

“Okay, now we gotta bake ‘em,” you said, grabbing the dish and putting it in the oven, “Ten minutes, okay?”

“Only ten?”

You closed the oven and leaned back on the counter, “Mhm. We only made it for two, so there’s not a lot to cook. I make this for me and Kelstra all the time,”

Kylo looked around, a little confused, “Who is that?”

“Oh,” you forgot about the outside world for a moment, “My friend. We live together,”

“Kelsey?”

“No, Kelstra,” you corrected him.

“Weird name,”

You softly kicked his leg, “Okay Kylo, or should I say, _Kyle_ ,”

Kylo dipped his head down to yours and kissed your cheek.

Your face went blank from this new and random gesture of affection he was showing you, “Uh, what was that for?”

He shrugged, “Not sure. Just wanted to,”

Your mind went ‘JFIELHSGEI’ for a quick second and your heart skipped a beat.

_Just wanted to._

\--

When dinner was ready, you sat at Kylo’s table and ate, teasing him about how proud you were of him for making it. It was funny, he was so in control of everything else…so orderly and neat, yet he couldn’t cook to save his life. You liked that about him.

Kylo did the dishes, like he always did, while you stayed in the kitchen hanging out with him. You didn’t want to spend any time not next to him when he was with you.

Jesus, were you…were you whipped?

Who the fuck cared?

Kylo finished the dishes and walked back to the couch, plopping down on it. You followed Kylo and sat beside him, reaching for the remote, “Uh, what now?”

“I don’t care what we watch,”

You put on a random show for background noise and turned your body to face Kylo.

“Tired?” you asked, pushing his soft, black hair behind his ears.

Fuck, you loved his ears.

He looked down at you, his eyelids heavy, “Very,”

“We can go to bed if you want,”

Kylo glanced at your lips for a moment, then back at your eyes. You wanted to take a video of that or something. It was so innocent but so hot. Everything he did was worth a video or picture to you. You wanted to remember everything.

“I want to kiss you,” he said, tapping your nose with his.

You gave Kylo a funny look, “You can just do it, you know,”

“I know,”

Sleepy, exhausted Kylo was now your favorite version of him.

He slowly leaned down and brushed his lips on yours, not yet kissing you. Even though you kissed him many, many times by now, each time you did, your heart raced with excitement. He finally let his lips press onto yours, giving you a soft kiss.

Kylo was smooth as he pulled you from next to him on the couch, to on his lap so you were straddling him. His hands went up your shirt and held your waist, feeling your warm skin on his. Kylo kept the kiss slow as your hands went to the nape of his neck, pushing through his hair and holding his face close to yours. You loved the way his nose dug into your cheek and nose when you kissed. The contact never failed to make you smile.

You gently worked your tongue into the kiss, letting it flick the back of his front teeth before he reciprocated with his own. One of Kylo’s hands on your waist moved to your back, where he traced his middle finger up and down your spine.

“I thought about you all day, you know,” you confessed between kissing him, “I wish every day was a weekend,”

“The weekend is close, little angel,” he noted, then lightly bit your bottom lip.

You got a bit excited from that and didn’t even notice that you started to press yourself on his groin, your body needy for him.

“Oh, sorry,” you broke the kiss to catch your breath for a second, not wanting to get too worked up.

Kylo took your chin between his fingers and pulled you close again, kissing you.

“It’s okay,” he mumbled against your lips. Kylo reached up your skirt and touched your panties, pulling them lightly, “Take these off,”

“Are you sure? Aren’t you tired?” you asked, trying to respect him.

Kylo cocked an eyebrow at you, then tapped your knee, “Up. Take them off,”

You nodded and stood, reaching up your skirt and peeling off your panties as he pulled his joggers and boxers down a bit to take out his cock, already pulsing. Kylo stroked it a few times as he looked at you, then motioned for you to come and straddle him again.

When you did, Kylo kissed you softly, then pulled away, “You’re going to let me relax and ride me, okay, little angel?”

“Okay,”

You positioned yourself over him as Kylo held his cock at your pussy, ready. He didn’t take his eyes off of yours as you slowly lowered yourself onto him. This was the first time you were on top, and the feeling was new.

Your eyebrows knit as your cunt stretched around Kylo, little pains hitting you mixed with the pleasure of Kylo being inside of you again, filling you. He moaned at the initial feeling and his hands quickly found your ass, guiding you as you slowly rolled your hips, fucking him.

You loved everything about this with Kylo. You loved the way he watched you. You loved the way he helped you. You loved the little noises coming out of his mouth, knowing you were making him feel this way.

“I love this,” you breathed before kissing him again, “I love this so much,”

Kylo let out a deep exhale and his eye twitched slightly, hearing you. He dug his fingers into your hips and made you fuck him harder, moans escaping your mouth from how good it felt. Kylo bucked his hips upward to meet you, helping go deeper inside of you.

He pressed his forehead onto yours and in a throaty voice, said, “You make me forget about things,”

“What things?” you asked between little whimpers of pleasure.

“Everything,” he told you, his eyes practically sparkling.

“Is that good?”

Kylo’s jaw tensed and he pushed you down on him harder, “More than you know,”

“Fuck,” you breathed and squeezed your eyes shut, taking in every sensation.

After a minute, Kylo suddenly turned his body and laid you back on the couch, never pulling out of you. He was now on top of you, thrusting harder into you. He was about to come and needed a different angle to help him.

“Already?” you smiled.

Little black strands of hair stuck to his forehead as he grunted, “You do that to me,”

“Are you—” you whimpered mid-sentence, “Are you going to come inside of me?”

“Yes,” he replied through his teeth, his cheeks turning pink, “Tell me you want me to,”

“I want you to,” you nodded, “I do, Kylo. I love it,”

His head dropped to your neck, burying himself in it as he pushed inside of you harder, “Tell me how much you love it,”

You squeezed his waist with your legs, “Kylo, I love it so much. I’d only let you come in me. That’s how much I love it, Kylo,”

You heard Kylo groan softly before they grew louder in your neck, his deep voice vibrating on your skin. He picked his head up and pressed his forehead on yours as he came, the feeling of cum shooting inside of you satisfying you.

Kylo stayed there for a moment, breathing hard, watching you as you smiled softly, then kissed him. You hoped he understood how much you treasured this feeling with him. You didn’t need to come. It was nice to, but you could miss an orgasm once in a while if that meant you got to watch Kylo climax because of you.

Kylo shut his eyes and stayed on you a moment longer, the two of you not saying anything. You didn’t think you had to.

A bit later, when you both were breathing normally, Kylo pulled out of you and kissed you before smiling, “Let’s go to bed, little angel,”

After you got ready for bed and tucked yourself into Kylo’s sheets, he got in next to you and scooted close. You put your head on his chest as Kylo laid on his back, and you let your leg fall over his, so you were straight up smothering him with this new sleeping position you’d never done with him before. You hoped he didn’t mind.

“You didn’t come,” Kylo said softly.

You closed your tired eyes, “I don’t care,”

Kylo tried to shift, wanting to touch you and make you come before the night was over, but you pushed your body harder onto him, not letting him get up.

“I don’t need to,” you said, your voice starting to get low from how tired you were, “I didn’t really care about that tonight,”

“Oh. You didn’t?” Kylo asked, his fingers lightly skimming your back.

“No,”

He was quiet for a moment before asking, “What did you care about tonight?”

You didn’t know if you should say it…but you did.

“Just being with you in that way,”

He didn’t say anything for a while.

You thought maybe you said too much, this new bravery inside of you with Kylo was taking over and sabotaging you, you figured.

He spoke again after a bit, his voice raw, close to sleeping, “Tomorrow, I’m not going to go easy on you,”

You remembered that he didn’t have to go to his office on Fridays, meaning he could stay up on Thursdays and sleep in if he wanted to the next day. Oh boy.

“You’ll show me new things?”

“Mhm,”

“Um, there’s more?” you asked naïvely.

You thought sex was sex. You could fuck in a few positions and that was that.

Apparently not.

Kylo chuckled at you, the air leaving his nose hitting the top of your head, “Yes, little angel. There’s more,”

“Oh, good. I want to do everything with you,” you mumbled, close to falling asleep, “Do you?”

Kylo laughed at you softly again, “Yes. Now, go to sleep,”


	13. a lot?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, there's some...blindfold and spanking action going on in this chapter. just a warning in case anyone needs one. it's not crazy but it's there. but definitely NOT the kinkiest shit ever.

** Day Nineteen. **

You tried to squeeze your eyes shut, hoping to block out the light that was coming in, but it wasn't working. You threw your arms over your face and laid on your back in Kylo's big bed, not wanting to wake up yet.

But now you were already awake.

And it didn't help that Kylo was being loud as he got ready for work.

You groaned and rolled out of his big bed, walking to the bathroom to do the usual morning things. As you were brushing your teeth, Kylo stepped in the bathroom with you, seeing you for the first time that morning.

"Morning," you greeted, toothbrush in your mouth.

He was putting on a watch and looking at you with a frown in the mirror, "It's a bit early for you, isn't it?"

You made face, "Okay Mr. Grumpy, damn,"

"Sorry,"

You smiled at him in the mirror, then spit in the sink before explaining, "You're loud. I woke up,"

"Tell your ears not to be so sensitive,"

Normally, you'd take that comment as something playful, but his expression was serious and almost looked annoyed.

You put your toothbrush in the little holder on the counter and crossed your arms, turning to Kylo, "Okay, what's with the attitude?"

Kylo didn't look at you, just ran his fingers through his hair, styling it, in the mirror, "What attitude?"

"I'm not doing this. Bye," you waved and stepped toward the door.

He was always so fucking moody during the day.

You were now in the kitchen, debating on making Kylo breakfast or coffee, even. He didn't deserve it, right?

You still made him coffee and breakfast, leaving it on the kitchen island for him and went out on the balcony with a blanket and a book.

He didn't say goodbye when he left for work.

\--

You accidentally fell asleep on the library floor around four o'clock in the afternoon after yet another boring day by yourself. When you woke, you felt Kylo behind you and you swore for a moment that maybe you were in his bed and this morning was all a dream. There was no way he was on the floor with you.

When you opened your eyes, you saw the library wall of books in front of you and you knew you weren't dreaming. Kylo was behind you, his arm draped around your waist, spooning you. You felt his deep, sleepy breaths hit the back of your head.

You rolled over to face him, only to find a sleeping, impossibly handsome, Kylo. Just as you thought.

Aaaand he was sharing your pillow with you.

God, you could die right here and you'd be completely okay with that.

You scooted even closer to him and reached down to make his arm around your waist a little tighter, then took your hand and raised it to cup the side of his face as you watched him sleep. You leaned forward and nudged your nose on his, hoping to wake him.

It worked.

Kylo raised his eyebrows, eyes still closed, as he was waking up. He finally opened his eyes, squinting.

"Hi," you said softly.

Kylo exhaled sleepily, "Hi,"

"Whatcha doin'?" you asked, "Down on the floor with me, I mean,"

"You looked comfortable, so I thought I'd see how comfortable it was, too," he said, shutting his eyes again.

"The verdict?"

"Comfy,"

You moved your body down a little, then buried your head in his chest, "How was work?"

Kylo groaned, his chest vibrating against your forehead.

"Not a good day, then?" you asked against his button-down shirt. He was still in his work clothes and you assumed he laid down with you right after he came home.

"Not a good day,"

You furrowed your brow and looked up at him, "You shouldn't work somewhere that makes you feel like this every day, you know,"

He opened his eyes, finding yours, and pursed his lips, "I know,"

Now that he was awake, you laid your head back on the pillow and became level with his face again. You leaned forward and kissed him softly. It was hard not to kiss him all the time.

Kylo broke the kiss.

"Sorry I was rude this morning,"

"That's okay," you smiled, "Besides, I'm happy you're back. It's so lonely without you,"

"Is it?"

"It is. I like being with you," you let out a small giggle, "Well...when you're in a good mood, I do,"

"Mm," he hummed and lifted his eyebrows a little.

It was quiet for a moment.

Kylo spoke in the silence, "I want to go somewhere today with you,"

Your ears instantly perked up at that, "Where?"

"I don't know. I just want to get out of the apartment and have it be a place that's not work," he thought, "Where do you want to go?"

_Hmmm._

"Um, it's kinda cold still so maybe not the park, even though that sounds kind of fun," you thought more about what you could do with Kylo, "We've already been to a museum so that's a no-go...uhhh, we can get your ears pierced!" you smirked.

Kylo's face was serious, like it always was.

"No,"

"I kinda want to see you in some diamond studs," you teased, "I feel like you'd be cute in them,"

"No,"

You sighed, "Fine...hmmm,"

You looked around the library as you thought about what you could do.

"Have you read all of these books in here?" you asked curiously.

"Yes,"

"Let's go to a bookstore and get some more for you, then," you suggested, sitting up halfway and resting yourself on your elbow.

"A bookstore?"

You nodded, "Yeah. We can get out of the apartment, look at books, get a pizza on the way home, I dunno. Seems fun to me," you shrugged, "We don't have to, though. Just an idea,"

Kylo thought for a moment before getting up from the floor and holding his hand out for you to take, helping you up, "No, that sounds nice,"

As you got ready to leave, grabbing a coat and putting on shoes, Kylo made himself a small cup of coffee to wake himself up. He was always so fucking tired after work. You hated that for him.

"Ready?" Kylo asked, standing by the door as you walked out of his room.

"I've got my fancy ass coat, my Vans, my skirt, your shirt on underneath and I look like a freak but...I'm as ready as I'll ever be," you grinned and skipped to the door, walking into his apartment hallway as Kylo held open the door for you.

When you made it to his elevator, you stepped in and Kylo pressed the button to the lobby. You wondered why you and Kylo weren't going to the parking garage.

"Are we walking?"

"Subway," he answered casually.

You were a bit shocked at this germaphobe's willingness to take the subway when you didn't even ask to, "Really?"

"Mhm,"

The subway wasn't too crowded, but it was crowded enough to where there was only one seat at the end of the car. Kylo motioned for you to sit in it.

"Why don't you sit in it, and I'll sit on your lap?" you suggested, looking up at him through your eyelashes.

Kylo looked at the seat, then back at you. You could tell he was thinking about all of the germs that were probably on it, but he gave up and sat down, patting his thigh for you to sit on it, so you did. You wrapped your arm around his neck, holding on as the train began to move.

You couldn't help it. He was being so lovely taking the subway, going to the bookstore, and napping with you on the library floor. You kissed him long and hard when he wasn't expecting it. You knew he probably hated the PDA but really...you couldn't help it.

Kylo pulled away and gazed at you, his eyelids heavy, "You're being very cute today,"

"What?" you laughed, "What did you say?"

His jaw tensed and he looked at the advertisements at the top of the car, his eyes now back to the usual 'serious Kylo' look, "Nothing,"

"No, no. Did you say I was 'cute'?" you moved your face in front of his so he had to look at you, "Didn't know that nice, little word was in your vocabulary,"

"I take it back,"

"Mhm," you hummed, trying to hide a smile that was on your face.

\--

You now stood in a nearly empty bookstore with Kylo, browsing the rows and rows of books. You gravitated toward the historical fiction sections and Kylo did as well, you both being interested in the same thing. When you'd pick up a book off the shelf, he'd read with you as you looked at the back for the summary. While you read, Kylo mindlessly played with your hair and you leaned into his body.

"Seems boring," you commented and put one of the books back on the shelf.

"I was thinking the same thing," he replied, then reached for another book.

He put it in front of the both of you so you could read it with him, and just like a moment ago, one of his hands went to your hair, twirling it behind you.

"Hmm, I feel like that one could go either way. I like the time period but I dunno about the storyline," you thought out loud, looking at the book.

Kylo put it back on the shelf, "Yeah, no,"

As he looked at more books, you observed Kylo as he did so. Kylo just looked so goddamn good flipping through books, his black hair falling over his forehead as he looked down at the pages. He could be so handsome doing the most mundane things ever.

You went down a different aisle with rows of books and started looking through them, Kylo following close behind. As you both looked at the books, you stood next to him and felt him playing with your hair again.

Kylo crouched, looking at the books on the lower shelves. His arm wrapped around one of your legs, just keeping you close, you assumed. His big hand on your inner thigh started to move up and down on your leg, casually touching it as you checked out the books on the higher shelves.

You rested your hand on the top of Kylo's head and ran your fingers through Kylo's thick hair, massaging it a little. It was like the two of you couldn't keep your hands off of each other, touching legs and hair as you did shit like look at books.

You started to get a book off of the shelf when you felt Kylo's hand start to travel higher up your thigh and into your skirt, not feeling so casual anymore.

You whispered, "Kylo, what are yo—"

He slid his hands between your legs, making them open wider as you stood. He stayed looking at the books, completely unbothered.

"Kylo—"

He grazed his middle finger knuckle over your panties between your legs, making you pull on his hair and cough nonstop from choking on your own spit from surprise.

Kylo looked up at you as he remained squatting, "Shhh, we have to be quiet. It's a bookstore, little angel,"

You wished you had some kind of shorts to put on under your skirt so he couldn't do this...but whatever.

He started to kiss your knee, moving up your thigh, leaving wet kisses, and brushed his knuckle on your clothed cunt again. You sucked air in through your teeth, trying to stay quiet, and gripped his hair harder.

Well, this trip to the bookstore was a complete waste.

Kylo stood quickly and pushed you against the shelves with his body, kissing you. The shelves shook a little from your body bumping against them, leaving you and Kylo frozen, hoping they wouldn't fall over, but they ended up stayed upright.

Your mouths were still on each other's, you just weren't kissing because you were frozen. Now that you knew the shelves were going to stay up, you and Kylo started to quietly laugh into each other's lips. You kissed him again, a smile still on your face, and he reciprocated, pressing you against the shelf, softer this time to not knock it over.

The kiss quickly turned more passionate, the both of you desperate for each other. Your hands were everywhere on Kylo, his hair, his shoulders, his back. Kylo dipped his head to your neck and started to suck on it violently and he put his thigh between your legs.

"Kylo, t-this didn't end well at Target," you whispered.

He stopped kissing your neck and picked his head up, taking your bottom lip between his teeth and pulled, "I don't give a fuck,"

You let out a small whimper, "W-Where did this come from?"

"I don't know and I don't care. Shut the fuck up and rub on my thigh,"

Kylo crashed his lips back onto yours and pressed his thigh harder between your legs. You internally said 'fuck it' and started rolling your hips, grinding your pussy on his thigh, the fabric of your panties being the only thing keeping you from making a complete mess on Kylo's pants.

With one hand, Kylo gripped your ass and pushed you down harder and faster on him. You didn't even realize as you were riding his thigh, your leg was brushing his cock, pleasuring him, too. He softly moaned into your lips as you kept kissing, and you gave him a small 'shh'.

You reached down and felt Kylo's hard erection through his pants, struggling against the fabric.

"Kylo," you breathed, "I can't—I need you too much, right now,"

He broke the kiss, patted down your messy hair, adjusted himself in his pants, then took your hand and practically bolted out of the bookstore, ignoring the worker as they told the two of you to have a good night.

His grip on your hand was tight as he walked fast to the subway, you struggling to keep up with his long legs.

"Should have taken my fucking car," he muttered when the two of you finally reached the subway underground.

Kylo was anxiously tapping his foot and his jaw was tense.

As soon as the train got there and the doors opened, Kylo took your hand again, bumping into people as they got off the car, and stepped in, sitting in an open seat and pulling you onto his lap. There was another open seat next to him but kept you in his lap for the rest of the ride to his apartment stop.

You tried to lean down and kiss him, but he squeezed your waist, "No,"

You frowned.

"If you kiss me with those pretty lips, I'm going to fuck you right here,"

You went wide-eyed, your cheeks heating at his serious tone. He looked like he was not fucking kidding.

"Okay, no kissing," you said softly.

It was a painful fifteen-minute subway ride of waiting in horny agony and a torturous three-minute walk to his apartment that ended up being more of a run. When you got into the elevator, Kylo quickly pressed the button to his floor, then instantly shoved you against the elevator wall, grabbing your face, kissing you.

His tongue pushed in your mouth and went in no particular rhythm as Kylo aggressively kissed you. His face pressed hard against yours so both of you could barely breathe, sucking air only when you turned your heads to kiss each other deeper.

The elevator made a 'ding' and Kylo took your hand again and practically raced to his door, where he fumbled frantically with his keys to unlock it.

"Fuck," Kylo muttered as he kept missing his key, his fingers shaking.

When he finally got the door unlocked, he shoved you inside, where you went right to his bedroom and stared peeling off your clothes. Kylo did the same and it only made you more turned on, watching him undress quickly because he wanted to fuck you so badly.

You got on the bed, naked, and Kylo went into his closet, only to return with two of his ties. He motioned with two of his fingers for you to come to the edge of the bed, so you did. You sat at the edge, legs dangling, as Kylo pressed his lips on yours hard and long before pulling away.

"I'm going to blindfold you,"

You furrowed your brow, unsure.

Kylo stroked your cheek with the back of his hand, "It'll feel good, don't worry, little angel,"

"Okay,"

With that, Kylo put the tie over your eyes and tied the back. Everything went fairly dark, except you could see a little sliver of light on the top of the tie. You squeezed your eyes shut anyway and your breathing got faster out of anxiety.

Kylo kissed your forehead, "You're okay,"

"Okay,"

"On your knees, elbows down,"

"O-Okay," you nodded nervously.

Once you were on the bed, no fucking clue which part of it 'cause you couldn't see a damn thing, Kylo held you by your hips and moved you.

You suddenly felt two fingers rubbing back and forth at your folds, leaving you arching your back at the sudden contact.

"Fuck, you're so wet," you heard Kylo say behind you. He had one hand at your pussy, the other on your ass, holding you still.

"Yea, no shit," you laughed.

You suddenly felt a big smack against your ass and it hurt like hell. You sucked in air between your teeth, "Kylo!"

"Watch your mouth," he rubbed his hand over the spot he hit, "You're a little angel, act like it,"

You were surprised at how good that felt, to be hit like that. Were you psychotic? Was it supposed to feel good?

Kylo's palm hit your ass again, harder, and a moan of pain and pleasure left your throat. He pushed two of his thick fingers into your pussy and the feeling was heavenly, especially because you couldn't see anything. You were only relying on touch and sounds, making them 100x more sensitive.

"Fuck," you whined.

He slapped you twice, _hard_.

"I don't want to hurt you, little angel," Kylo said as he soothed the spot he hit again by rubbing it, "Watch your mouth,"

"Sorry,"

You heard Kylo chuckle behind you, then felt his fingers inside of you start to work, pushing in you and curling.

"You like to get me in trouble?" Kylo grunted. You could tell by the strain in his voice that he wanted to be inside of you already, fucking you.

"How did I get you in—"

Another hard slap left you moaning.

"You tease with those skirts you wear, little angel,"

"How's that my faul—"

Two more slaps. The pain was all over your ass from Kylo's big hand. It stung and felt so good as he kept fucking you with his fingers.

"Shhhhh—agh," you winced.

He rubbed over the spot again on your ass that you knew was bright fucking red by now. Kylo must have moved his arm another way, because he began to rub circles on your clit, making you into a mess.

"Just like that," you panted, "So good,"

Kylo's hand that was spanking you was now in your hair, pulling it back, making your neck bend.

"Oh my God, Kylo," you moaned at the ache in your head that felt unbearably divine.

He pulled your hair harder and rubbed your clit faster. Every sensation was strong, the feeling between your legs, the pain on your scalp that was turning into pleasure, hearing Kylo's fast breaths behind you.

It was so fucking much.

"I think—Kylo, I think—" you couldn't even get the words out as your brows knit together and your cunt tightened, on the verge of orgasm.

Kylo's fingers suddenly left your clit and his hand let go of your hair, making your head drop.

"Kylo, why aren't you touching me?" you asked, breathless and unable to see anything, "Why didn't you let me fi—"

He hit your ass again, then kissed it, "Shh, it'll feel so much better if you wait,"

You didn't understand. Your pussy was aching from being denied and you were a little frustrated. You couldn't see and only had Kylo to trust to make you feel good...but he just stopped you.

Kylo took the blindfold off of your eyes and tossed it away, leaving you squinting, but able to see. He nudged you further on the bed and made you face the headboard now as he crawled behind you. Kylo must have been standing earlier.

"Come here," he ordered, grabbing your arm and pulling you up. He was directly behind you, but he turned your head and kissed you. You felt like it was maybe a reminder that he was there. That he wasn't just using you. That he liked you and wanted to kiss you, maybe.

"Back down," he said, giving your temple a final peck.

You obeyed and got back down, elbows on the mattress.

"I'm going to fuck you hard, little angel," Kylo said, lining his cock at your pussy, letting his tip glide between your wet folds, "Can I fuck you hard?"

"Yes, please," you breathed, "That's exactly what I want,"

You gripped onto the blankets under you as Kylo pushed himself into you, both of you saying little 'fuck's as he thrust himself deep into you. He was slow at first, but quickly started to get faster in his thrusts.

"I'm so proud of you for taking all of this, little angel,"

You loved it when he said that.

"Tell me again how you're so proud of me, Kylo," you whimpered, "Tell me you're proud of me,"

"Little angel, I'm so proud of you," he said, holding your waist tight and guiding your hips to meet his harshly, "So proud. You're so good for me. You're so good,"

"I'm so good for you, Kylo,"

Kylo grabbed your hair and pulled it again, "You're so good for me, little angel,"

"Oh my God," you cried, your cunt being rammed so hard that it felt so fucking good.

He pulled out of you and quickly pushed you down to lie on your back. You made a face, confused about the changing of positions. The other one felt so fucking good.

Kylo noticed your expression and said in a raw voice, "I wanted to see you,"

He slowly pushed himself into you, throaty moans escaping both of your lips. Now that you were face to face, seeing each other, it felt so much better somehow. You loved this feeling. Sure, sex was bomb as fuck and exceeded all of your expectations from what you thought of it when you were a virgin, but being with Kylo like this was a feeling you loved. The closeness, the intimacy, the way he looked into your eyes as he fucked you, only closing them when it felt too good to keep them open. Seeing him squeeze his eyes shut because of how good you felt was one of the best things ever.

"My baby," Kylo kissed your cheek and kept his lips there as he breathed, "My little angel,"

You moaned loudly from the pleasure of being fucked and hearing him call you 'my little angel'. It was usually just 'little angel'. Never _his_ little angel.

Kylo dipped his head to your neck, thrusting harder into you, "Everything I need is right here," he whispered, "God, I love this,"

You scratched at his back, keeping him close. Everything he was saying was perfect and it was only making it harder for you to keep from coming.

As Kylo pounded you into the sheets, your head bumped the headboard from how hard he was fucking you. Kylo quickly stopped, looking concerned, and put his palm on the crown of your head, "Are you alright?"

It didn't really hurt but you loved that he stopped, asked, and held the spot. You started to giggle, "I'm okay, please keep going,"

Kylo smiled and leaned down, kissing you, both of you softly laughing into each other's lips as he started to slowly thrust into you, his hand staying between you and the headboard in case your head needed a cushion if it hit it again.

He picked up his previous speed again, fucking you hard, sounds of skin slapping echoing in the room before he reached one hand down to your clit, rubbing it quickly. His face was turning red and you knew he was wanting you to come with him.

"I can't wait for you to come inside of me, Kylo," you whined.

Kylo reached with his long arm and grabbed a pillow from the other side of the bed, pulled you up a little, and put the pillow under your lower back, "Fuck, little angel,"

He was hitting you in a much better spot and you felt him in your stomach, right where you needed him.

"Fuck," you moaned, "Kylo, you know how to make me feel so good,"

"I know, little angel,"

Kylo's thrusts became harder and you felt your lower stomach start to heat again, sending warmth flowing throughout your body. Your toes curled and you gave in, letting your orgasm take over, a buzzing feeling everywhere and little sobs escaping your throat. This one felt like a truck ran into you, in a good way.

All because of Kylo.

He was close behind, unraveling as he watched you come, squeezing around him. Kylo came and you felt his warm cum spill inside of you, sharp exhales of air shooting through his teeth.

"I love that you let me do that," Kylo pressed his forehead on yours, both of you catching your breath. He was still inside of you as he kissed you softly on the lips, then on the cheek, then on the jaw, "How do you feel?" Kylo asked.

You blinked a few times, still trying to get the buzzing feeling out of your ears, "I feel fine. Not sure how I'll feel tomorrow...but I'm okay right now," you smiled, "More than okay,"

"Good,"

Kylo pulled out of you and fell onto the bed next to you.

"How was it, having your eyes covered?" he asked, turning his head to you.

You rolled over on your side to face him, "It was okay. I like to see you, though. I'd do it again, but it wasn't my favorite,"

"Noted,"

"When can I blindfold you?" you asked, serious.

"What?"

You looked around, a little confused, "I can do it to you too, right?"

Kylo laughed at you until he realized you were not joking.

He frowned, "Fuck no,"

You rolled your eyes.

"I could spank you again for that," Kylo smirked, then his face fell a little, "Oh, how was that?"

"It was good," you smiled shyly, "I liked it,"

"Oh, good. I didn't want to push it this time, but I can go a lot harder if you want," he chewed the inside of his cheek, thinking, "I figured it was a lot with the blindfold for the first time...but it was okay?"

"I'm fine," you kissed him lightly and held the side of his face with one hand, "I like that you're sweet with me...asking me if everything was okay, I mean,"

Kylo made a grouchy face, "I'm not sweet,"

"Yes, you are," you giggled, "You're _so_ sweet,"

"Mhm, sure,"

You wished he knew how kind and sweet he was, despite being a grump a lot of the time. After you were gone, who would appreciate all of the layers of Kylo Ren? Who would lie next to him and tell him how sweet he was? Who would laugh with him during sex because they bumped their head? Whose head would he cradle to keep them from bumping it again? It wouldn't be yours for that much longer.

You decided to change the subject, "Oh, hey what time is it?"

"Probably only nine,"

"Well, one: We're old I guess. I'm tired. Two: Shit. We didn't eat. I'm fucking starving," you frowned, really not wanting to cook right now.

Kylo bit his lip and thought for a second, "We can get pizza now,"

Sex and pizza? God, you could stay here forever.

"Okay. You call. I have phone anxiety," you admitted.

"No, you're just a baby. But yes, I'll call,"

You rolled your eyes, "Rude ass,"

Kylo smirked at you, then grabbed his phone, calling to order a pizza.

You both sat up, backs against the headboard as Kylo spoke on the phone. You pulled the blanket over yourself, then found a pen on his bedside table and started to draw on his wrist, where his watch would normally be. You let his hand rest on your knee as you drew on him. He gave you a look at first, essentially telling you to stop, but gave up and had a hint of a smile (the littlest, tiniest, 'I don't want her to see me smiling' smile you'd ever seen) as you drew on him.

You sketched a watch on his wrist, mimicking his own, complete with a band going all the way around. You put the time as 9:31PM, the same time that was on his digital clock on the bedside table.

\--

This was not Kylo's idea.

At all.

100% yours.

And it showed by the look on Kylo's face.

"I hate this," he grumbled as he lowered himself in the bath.

You stepped in and put the box of pizza that had come earlier on the side of his big tub. As you sat in the hot bath, you winced a little from the warm water stinging your ass where Kylo had slapped it.

Cute.

There were some bubbles that you put in the bath from under his sink, so it was really a perfect night. A bubble bath. Pizza. Post-sex. Kylo Ren. What more could you ask for?

You and Kylo took a slice from the box and leaned on opposite ends of the tub, eating and talking.

"You don't ever take baths?" you asked, mid-bite.

"No,"

"But you have such a big tub!"

Kylo chewed and gave you a funny explanation, "Taking a bath is like being in a pot of soup. I have no interest in being human soup,"

"But what about the fun bubbles?"

He raised his eyebrows at you, " _Fun_ bubbles?"

"Yea...bubbles are fun," you gathered some bubbles in your free hand and blew them at Kylo, grinning.

"Remind me of your age?"

You were no longer smiling. You were annoyed, actually, "Bubble baths aren't childish, Kylo. You should try to take things less seriously. Enjoy bubble baths and pizza and good things,"

Kylo was quiet, looking at the bubbles on the surface of the water.

"I'm trying," he said softly, before taking a bite of pizza.

Fuck. You felt bad.

"I know you are," you said nervously as you chewed, "I think that'll be good...for you, I mean,"

He slowly nodded and seemed to be thinking for a moment as he stared down at the water. You wondered if you said something wrong.

Kylo swallowed the last of his slice and put both arms on each side of the tub, resting them there. You chewed on the rest of your pizza and watched him get lost in whatever thought he was having. You wished you could get inside of his head. Know him. Figure him out. Knew how he felt. Not just about you, but the world. Small things. Big things. You just wanted to know him.

You stayed silent and took another slice of pizza from the box, eating it.

Kylo put one of his arms in the water and started to move around the bubbles, "I hate my job,"

"Why?"

He ran his dry hand through his hair, "It's stressful. I hate who I work with. It hurts people," Kylo frowned, listing his reasons, "It's just never really bothered me before,"

"Before what?" you asked curiously.

Kylo pressed his lips together, "Just before,"

 _Before_...

You swallowed your bite of pizza and nodded, trying to go back to why he doesn't like his career, "Working in weapons with government officials and shit sounds awful...especially what they use them for, you know? War is no good,"

Kylo looked at you for a moment, then looked away.

"Sorry, I don't mean to be political or anything," you quietly apologized, "It just doesn't seem like you,"

His eyes flicked back to yours, "And you know me?"

"I think so," you replied, finishing your slice.

Kylo's jaw tensed and he exhaled deeply, "I think so, too,"

You smiled at him sweetly, "Hey, if you could do anything in the world for a job, what would you do?"

"Mmmm," Kylo thought and looked up at the ceiling.

As he was thinking, you noticed one of his hands was in the water while the other was hovering above it, seeming like he was trying not to get it wet.

The hand with the watch you drew on it.

"I've always wanted to fly," he answered, breaking your concentration on his wrist, "My dad was a really good pilot,"

"That'd be fun to learn. You could always get your certification or whatever. I don't really know how that works but I think anyone can do that," you smiled, "You've got all the money in the world, it seems. I think you can afford to take a few months off of work and do whatever you want that makes you happy,"

Kylo took your ankle underwater in his grip and pulled you toward him, making you straddle him in the water.

"Oh, hi," you giggled and wrapped your arms around his neck.

You felt Kylo's hand on your back softly tracing up and down your spine as he spoke, "A few months, huh?"

"Or weeks. Whatever," you shrugged, "Just some time off to think, you know? You can't come home unhappy every day. You should find something you like,"

"I should, shouldn't I?" he asked, his hand playing with your hair now.

"I think so," you smiled.

Kylo nudged his nose on yours, "Can I kiss you?"

"We went over this yesterday, you don't have to ask," you giggled before kissing him first, pressing your chest on his and keeping your face as close as possible. You wanted to stay there forever.

He had both arms tightly wrapped around you, but the arm with the ink you put on him was hovering just above your skin, not touching it because it was damp.

"Are you—" you started between kissing him, "—not trying to get your wrist wet?"

"Maybe," he mumbled against your lips.

"Good. I worked hard on that," you mumbled back.

Kylo teased, "Looks like a Van Gogh piece,"

You broke the kiss to look at him for a moment, your hands cupped at his cheeks. Was it because he was your first? Was it because you were around him all the time? Was it because you were in your own little world with Kylo? It had to be something because you felt so strongly.

You were feeling tired suddenly, so you knew your thoughts would easily pass through you lips before you could stop them. You didn't give yourself a chance to say something stupid, something that'd push him away, so you just kissed him again, running your fingers through his hair and pressing your body on his, wanting to feel close.

Kylo kissed you back, needy, and held you tighter than he had before. The two of you were sighing into each other's kiss, but not taking it any further. Just making out, enjoying company, feeling close.

Suddenly, Kylo pulled away and brought his wrist up to his face to look at it. He got carried away touching you and must have pressed it on your back, leaving a little bit of the fake watch band smudged with ink across his skin.

He frowned.

"I can always draw another for you if you'd like," you offered, "They're Gucci brand, so it'll cost you, but I can do it,"

"Weirdo," he smiled, but then kept looking at the smudge with a little frown.

You kissed Kylo's cheek and told him you wanted to go to bed now that the water was lukewarm. You were shivering a little now and just wanted to cuddle up to his big body in bed and sleep until noon.

After you and Kylo finally got into bed after putting on pajamas and brushing your teeth together like a fucking couple or something, your head rested on his chest again as Kylo laid on his back. His arm was around you and yours was across his, no part of you _not_ touching him.

"What a fun day," you yawned, "I always have so much fun with you,"

Kylo breathed a laugh through his nose, "I like the way you speak when you're tired,"

"Oh, I hope that's...a compliment?" you closed your eyes and cuddled even closer to Kylo, if that were possible.

"You just talk. No filter,"

You cocked an eyebrow, "Don't I do that anyway?"

"Not as bad as when you're delirious and on the verge of passing out," he said, playing with your hair again.

"Oh, well...okay,"

Kylo mumbled, "It's good,"

"Good,"

It was quiet for a moment before you spoke again.

"If you buy someone again, I hope they see how fun you are," you said softly.

Kylo tensed and his hand in your hair stopped twirling, "I-I don't do this. I've never done this, you know...paid for anyone like this,"

"But you might again. Maybe you'll want to with someone else. I feel like I've been a good guest, I guess," your breaths were getting heavier as you spoke, and you knew sleep was on its way. If only you knew how to shut your mouth.

"I didn't buy you for the reason you're thinking," Kylo said plainly.

"Why'd you buy me?"

Kylo began to play with your hair again, "The men there were looking at you like an object,"

"And you didn't?"

"No,"

"But you called me your toy," you reminded him.

He took a moment to reply, "Well...yes,"

"But when you saw me, you recognized me and you felt bad or something?" you said, your voice slurring a little as you tried to stay awake.

"Yes. I didn't want any of those men to have you and do anything to you that might hurt you...but then I had you and wanted to—to fuck with you. Sorry that's shit—"

"I didn't like you either," you stated, interrupting him.

He laughed softly, "I know, little angel,"

"But I do now,"

"I know,"

Half-asleep, you asked, "Do you like me _now_?"

"I think you're tired," he said, kissing the back of your head.

"I like you so much,"

You felt his body tense again, but he replied with a small chuckle, "Yeah, you're delirious,"

"Do you like me, Kylo?" you asked again.

He was silent for a moment. You knew if you were wide awake, you'd be petrified of this moment but you were so tired that you weren't really feeling embarrassed at all.

"You like me," you told him, no longer asking if it was true.

You felt his heart beat fast on your ear and his fingers graze over yours that were resting on his stomach.

"Yes,"

A lazy smile fell on your face, "A lot?"

You felt his fingers graze over yours again and your hair being twirled as he gave you a small, little whisper answering, "...yes,"

It didn't really register to you.

"Will you kiss me?" you asked, craning your neck up, your eyes still closed.

You felt lips on yours for a brief moment, kissing you goodnight.

You let your head fall back on his chest.

"Goodnight, hot head," Kylo said softly.

You sighed, "Oh, I missed that nickname. You didn't say it at all today,"

"You haven't been a hot head today...but I like to call you that anyway. Same way I call you little an—"

Kylo's words turned into mumbles in your ear as you drifted off while he was talking. His voice was so deep and relaxing, especially when it was raspy and tired. You couldn't help but have it be your lullaby as you started to dream.

You mumbled an incoherent, "Goodnight," and hoped he didn't mind you fell asleep listening to his voice.


	14. worth it.

** Day Twenty. **

You and Kylo got around to waking up at noon, now in the bathroom standing side by side brushing your teeth. You shared little glances in the mirror before quickly looking away, both of you shy this morning.

Kylo liked you.

A lot.

And even though you were half asleep last night, you remembered him saying that. You wondered what that exactly meant for the remainder of your time here, if it would change anything at all, but you tried not to think about it too much. You just really liked knowing he felt that way in general.

After you spit and put your toothbrush away, you turned to Kylo, who was done too.

"What are we doing today?" you asked as you took Kylo's hand and played with his big fingers that made yours look tiny.

Kylo seemed a little startled by your gesture, looking down at your hands playing with one of his, but went on with the conversation, "I have to work for an hour, but then I'd like to look at something with you,"

"Look at something?"

"Mhm," he hummed, "I need your help,"

Kylo started to walk out of the bathroom, so you followed, "Help with what?"

"You'll see," he said over his shoulder, leaving his room.

While Kylo worked for an hour, shirtless and in his joggers, you laid on the library floor reading. You realized the little world you created with Kylo since you'd been here had been a nice one. A comfortable one.

One that you were getting used to.

When the hour was up, Kylo called you over to his laptop at his desk. You stood next to him and looked at the page. On it, were different art pieces.

"I want something in the dining room...something not so black," Kylo said nervously, his eyes on the screen, "I was hoping you could help me pick something um, something nice,"

Instead of teasing him like the two of you normally did with each other, you gave him a little smile (even though he still couldn't look at you) and leaned down, beginning to scroll through the selection of art that was on this artist's webpage.

"Color?"

Kylo's hand was on your back now, up your shirt, and feeling your skin. He wasn't making a move, though. You could tell he just wanted to touch you. Feel you. Be close.

"I was thinking blue," he said quietly.

Not black. Not red. Not grey.

Blue.

Kylo's dark, dark world was brightening up...and you couldn't help but think that _maybe_ you were helping with that.

As you scrolled through the different ones, you clicked on the few blue, abstract pieces, comparing them. Kylo moved you to sit on his lap, so there you were in Kylo's office, sitting on his lap as he played with your hair, picking out pieces of art to hang in his dining room.

It all felt so real, like being with him could last longer than the ten days you had left.

When Kylo finally settled on one he liked (a darker blue, but a blue, nonetheless), he had to email the artist and set up a time to have it delivered. There was no talk of what it might cost because when you have a shit ton of money, that's not how things worked. You just bought things.

You turned on his lap to face him and put your arms around his neck, "Sooo, what now?"

"What do you want to do today, little angel?" Kylo asked, his eyes soft.

You thought about telling him that you just wanted to lay around with him all day, and that'd you'd be happy doing that, but you didn't. You replied, "Well...we always do what I want to do. I want to do something _you_ wanna do,"

Kylo pulled you closer on his lap and nudged his nose on yours, "I want to do whatever you want to do. That's what I want,"

He made it incredibly hard to not gush at his every move, his every touch, and every word that came out of his mouth.

It sucked this would end.

You rolled your eyes even though you were practically beaming on the inside, "No. What do _you_ want to do?" you pressed.

"Fine," Kylo pursed his lips, thinking for a moment, "I saw you put some things on the fridge to get at the store...we could go,"

"Wait," you started, "You _want_ to go to the store instead of having someone do it _for_ you? I must be hearing things,"

"Shut up," Kylo retorted in his typical sassy Kylo fashion.

After you giggled for a second, Kylo got shy and sweet again, "I'd like to go to the grocery store with you, yes. I'd like to do more...normal things," he now looked at you with a serious expression, "But we're not taking the fucking subway. I'm not doing that shit again,"

He made you laugh at what he said. Kylo _always_ made you laugh.

"Okay well...let's go to the store, then," you smiled and started to get up.

Kylo quickly sat you back down on his lap and pulled your face to his, kissing you. His kiss was soft and you felt his thumb stroke your jaw gently, as if he cared for you, liked you, loved you, even.

"I didn't kiss you yet today," Kylo mumbled.

"And you just...wanted to?" you asked, remembering the other day when he kissed your cheek randomly in the kitchen because he 'just wanted to'.

He nodded and kissed you again, "Mhm. Just wanted to,"

Goddammit, you were entering a territory that was dangerous with him when he did things like this.

As the two of you got ready and changed in his closet, you and Kylo exchanged shy glances again, just like earlier in his bathroom. The same thing happened on the car ride to the store. Kylo put his big hand on your thigh and at stoplights he'd peek over at you, only to quickly turn to the front again, as if he didn't mean to look at you or didn't mean for you to see him.

You also noticed the way he bit the inside of his cheeks when you held his hand on your thigh and played with his fingers. He was always the one pushing affection onto you, but when you did it back to him, he seemed to get nervous, shy, and pretty adorable.

You also couldn't keep your hands off of each other _inside_ of the grocery store, whether it was when you were buying cereal or tea, one of Kylo's hands would always be on your lower back, or playing with your hair, or he'd have his chin resting on your head as you looked at what cheeses to buy because Kylo didn't really know the difference between any of them.

You knew how sweet and gentle Kylo could be with you, but it felt stronger today, making you wonder if him telling you he 'liked you a lot' last night had anything to do with it.

Now in the fruit section of the store, you decided to ask something that popped into your head randomly and spilled out of your lips before you could stop it.

"How many people have you been with?"

Kylo peered over at you while you looked at the fruit, "What?"

"Like...slept with. How many?" you asked again in a hushed voice so others couldn't hear.

Kylo gave you another look, "Why?"

"Just curious," you shrugged.

"A lot,"

"How much is a lot?" you probed, then held up a carton of strawberries, "Do you like strawberries?"

"I love strawberries. Get them," he answered your second question, then went back to answer your first, "A lot,"

You started to put raspberries in the cart, "Raspberries?"

Kylo shook his head, "Ew, I don't like those. You can get them, though. And I really don't even know...how many people, I mean,"

"...oh,"

"Does that make you uncomfortable?" he asked as the two of you started to walk again.

"A little, but—" you stopped in front of the greens, "—only because I know I'm not as good as everyone else you've been with. Um, spinach?"

Kylo made a face, "I'm not eating that shit,"

You cocked an eyebrow, "You should eat more spinach but _fine_ , this time we can skip it,"

You said 'this time' as if you didn't have only ten days left...as if there would be another grocery store run to go on at all.

"What do you mean 'not as good'?" Kylo asked, continuing the previous conversation.

You looked up at him and smiled nervously, "Like...in bed. I know I'm not experienced or anything so I'm sure it's different for you and—,"

Kylo's expression was serious and he almost appeared mad at you, so you stopped talking mid-sentence.

His eye contact was intense and he stood in front of you, leaning down to look you in the face at your level, "They might have known how to fuck and make me feel something for thirty seconds, but you make me feel something entirely different, little angel,"

He started to walk again and muttered, "Don't be ridiculous,"

You wondered what exactly you made him feel, but you decided to save that conversation for another time, or possibly never.

You followed him, "...okay, sorry,"

"Why are you being like this?" Kylo asked, then grabbed a package of ground beef.

You furrowed your brow at his choice in meat, "Oh, we should try to eat less red meat. It's not that good for us,"

"Says who?"

"Uhm, I think I read that somewhere," you looked up at the ceiling in thought, "Anyway, if you want meat, we should get turkey meat. It's lighter in color, so it's better for us,"

Kylo looked at you suspiciously, then put the meat back and sighed, "Okay, get your hippie turkey meat, then,"

After you put the ground turkey in the basket, you and Kylo kept walking.

"Why am I being like what?" you questioned.

Kylo had to think about what you were just talking about before the meat for a moment, then answered, "Self-conscious. You're being insecure. I don't think you're usually like that,"

The two of you walked through the aisle with pasta and you grabbed some fettuccini noodles as you spoke, "I don't know...I mean, you make _me_ feel good. I just want to make sure I make _you_ feel good, too,"

"Jesus fucking Christ," Kylo said, grabbing your jaw.

Thankfully, there was no one else in the aisle, or you were pretty sure someone would be concerned with the way he was holding your face, his grip tight as he squeezed.

"Do you not hear the things I say to you?" Kylo pressed, "Do you not listen to me when I fuck you? The things I say? How you make me feel?"

In a small voice, you answered, "I thought you just said things. I didn't know you meant them,"

Kylo's hold on your jaw stopped and he now had his hand cupping the nape of your neck, still making you look at him.

"I mean everything that I say, little angel. Everything," his eyebrows furrowed angrily as he continued, "Do you mean what _you_ say? How I make _you_ feel?"

"Yes. Everything," you replied.

Kylo's face relaxed a little, but it was still a bit intense as he let go of you started to walk with the cart once more, "Don't say anything like that again,"

You caught up with Kylo and strolled beside him, "Well jeez, are you angry at me?"

Kylo stopped and looked down at you, before saying very matter-of-factly, "No, I just think you can be stupid,"

On one hand you were being complimented almost (?) but on the other hand, you were a little insulted.

"Awesome!" you said sarcastically, "I love your delicate phrasing!"

He rolled his eyes at you and stuck out his elbow, motioning for you to take his arm, "Come on, hot head,"

Back to normal, it is.

Toward the end of your grocery trip, you and Kylo stood in front of the freezer section, fully concentrated. Both of you were leaning on one of your hips, chin between your fingers, thinking.

"I can't pick," you whined.

"Fuck," Kylo muttered, "Me either,"

You thought for a moment, "Okay, let's settle on a base...chocolate or vanilla?"

"Chocolate,"

You nodded and scanned the items, "Agreed. Okay...nuts or no?"

You saw Kylo make a face in the reflection of the glass, "No,"

You rolled your eyes, "Okay, fine. Chocolate chunks?"

"I like those,"

"Okay, we're getting somewhere," you eyed the ice creams, "Coffee? Or no,"

"I like coffee,"

You nodded and opened the freezer door, "Okay then, we're getting mocha chip," you turned to Kylo as you grabbed the pint of ice cream, "Cool?"

"Cool,"

You were now at the checkout, talking with the worker who was bagging the groceries in brown paper sacks. You asked about the guy's day, plans for after work, and random shit about the food you bought. Kylo was paying with the cashier, and you could tell he was annoyed with the conversation you were having when he kicked your ankle.

You shot him an 'are you serious?' look.

"Anyway," you continued, looking back at the guy bagging the food, "What are you in school fo—"

Kylo put his hand around your waist and pulled you over to him, holding you close.

"Oh my God, what do you want?" you tried to be frustrated, but you let out a little giggle. You really loved when Kylo got like this.

Kylo pulled his credit card out of the chip reader, "You talk too much,"

"You _like_ when I talk too much. Admit it," you replied with a proud smile as Kylo took the receipt from the cashier.

Kylo made you forget all about the poor worker who was probably confused as to why the conversation was stopped short without a warning or apology. You didn't really care.

"I like when you talk too much to _me_ ," he pushed you forward a little to get the cart, ready to leave, "Go,"

As you started to walk ahead, you heard Kylo say something to the guy who bagged the groceries. You couldn't hear what he said, but the guy's face fell and his eyes widened. When Kylo caught back up to you, he looked casual, as if he didn't just scare the shit out of that poor dude.

"What did you say to that guy?" you asked, now in the parking lot and loading the bags into Kylo's car.

He didn't look at you as he replied, "Doesn't matter. We're buying you pants tomorrow, though,"

"Why?"

Kylo glanced at you for a moment, "As much as I love seeing you parade around in little skirts, I don't like it when other people love seeing it, too,"

You stayed quiet and finished putting the bags in the trunk, thinking that Kylo had claimed you as his. It wasn't in a funny way to make you annoyed, but in a _real_ way. The weird jealousy at BestBuy and now the grocery store, the needing to buy you pants so that people couldn't look at you in the same way that _Kylo_ looked at you...you figured that he really thought of you as his.

You hoped that it went beyond how he 'bought' you, but rather that he liked you and wanted to keep you around for longer than the end of the month. You wondered if he'd ever tell you.

\--

As you and Kylo put the groceries away in his kitchen, you couldn't help but stand on your tiptoes and kiss him. You loved knowing he liked you, that he thought of you as 'his', that he was jealous sometimes, that he wanted to grocery shop with you, and that he let you help him pick out a painting that wasn't black...and this was all just from _today_.

Even though his hands were full of produce, Kylo kissed you back for a moment, then looked at you with a curious smile, "What?"

_Oh, I just want to kiss you all the time and go grocery shopping and be normal and stay here forever._

"I don't know," you smiled shyly.

Kylo put the last thing away, then shut the fridge, "On the counter,"

"On the—me?" you pointed at yourself, "Me on the cou—"

  
"On the counter, little angel," he said again.

You quickly hopped up on the counter, Kylo pushing himself between your legs soon after. Sure, you'd kissed him today and held his hand, but you hadn't really been like _this_ today. Your arms quickly wrapped around his neck and you pulled him close, pressing your body on his and kissing him.

Kylo reached up your skirt and ran his thumb over the lace material of your panties. You winced a little, making Kylo pull away and ask what was wrong.

"Oh, I'm kind of...worn out,," you laughed nervously.

A week of sex every day was pretty tough on you, especially after last night.

Kylo knit his brow, "Oh, I'm sorry. Shit,"

"We can still—"

Kylo put his hand over your mouth and shook his head, "No. Let's change,"

He helped you off of the counter and changed with you into more comfortable clothes, which meant you'd be wearing another one of his t-shirts and a pair of silk pajama shorts. It was becoming a favorite outfit of yours.

It was around 5:30PM now, and the sun was setting over the city. The sky was pink and purple with dark blue clouds peppered across it. You stood in front of Kylo's big living room windows and looked out, never getting tired of his view.

He stepped next to you and you didn't even notice he had the mocha chip ice cream in his hands with a spoon. Kylo held up the pint and ate a spoonful before half-joking, "Our dinner,"

You leaned on him as you both stood in front of the windows, looking at the view, passing the ice cream back and forth.

"I hate that the sun sets so early in the winter," you commented, your mouth full of ice cream, "It's so depressing,"

"I like it," Kylo replied, taking the ice cream from you.

You smiled, "Makes sense. I swear to God you're a vampire,"

"Ouch, hot head. Haven't heard that before from you," Kylo teased, kicking your leg.

You kicked his leg back and took the ice cream again, scooping some up on the spoon. Before you could get it into your mouth, Kylo stole the pint again and kissed you suddenly. His mouth was cold, but his lips were warm.

"You taste like coffee," you mumbled and stood on your toes, still kissing Kylo.

"So do you," he said in a whisper, "Come here,"

Kylo moved you in front of him and stood behind you, standing in comfortable silence. It was such a nice little day with him. Sleeping until noon, picking a painting out, going to the grocery store, looking at the sky. You both stayed like that for a while, not talking, and just enjoying company.

When the sky was fading from a light purple to a deep blue after a while, you apologized, "Sorry I needed a break from sex today,"

As soon as the sentence came out of your mouth, you realized how insane you sounded, acting like Kylo really only cared about one thing with you. You knew he cared about so much more...but you still felt bad for some reason.

Kylo shrugged, "We went two weeks without it, I think a day is fine...or however long you need,"

"We did go a long time without it, huh," you thought.

"We did," you felt Kylo nod his head above you.

"Sorr—"

"I would've waited longer for you," Kylo stated, interrupting you.

You asked for clarification in a small voice, "You what?"

You could tell Kylo didn't exactly mean to say what he did, feeling him nervously shift behind you. When you asked him to repeat, it was like he had to force the words out again.

"I would have waited longer than two weeks," he started, "Any amount of time, really. You'd—You'd be worth it, hot head,"

You couldn't speak, a little frozen at his statement. As much as you wanted to write his words off as lies, you couldn't because you knew he was being honest. You wished the two of you would stop playing this dangerous game of leaning into the feelings you shared for each other, but here you were, completely leaning into what he was saying, not pushing it away.

You were back to being shy again as your cheeks heated and you rested the back of your head on his chest. You took the ice cream from him and ate some as a distraction before you completely admitted to yourself how you really felt about Kylo. This was all getting to be too much and the way you felt was starting to get harder and harder to ignore.

You spent the rest of the night standing there until it got dark, passing the pint and spoon to each other in silence, when you finally made him watch something on the TV with you. You needed to be preoccupied from something that you knew was bubbling slowly between the two of you.

You just wondered if it'd ever spill over. 


	15. just us.

** Day Twenty-One. **

You really thought today might be a normal day. Hell, it started _out_ that way. Eating, reading, kissing that quickly turned into grabbing at each other's clothes, then sex, a little bit of playful arguing because well...it was you and Kylo, and then more kissing.

It was a perfectly normal, fun day until Kylo randomly told you to put on clothes to go out in around three o'clock and rushed you out of the door with him. He was already wearing black jeans, a black long-sleeved shirt, and a black leather jacket.

Very on-brand for Kylo.

He was fast walking to his car in the parking garage, holding your hand and dragging you along with him as you tried to keep up. You swore your arm was about to be ripped out of its socket.

"Kylo!! _Where_ are we going?" you whined.

He kept walking and didn't look at you, "You've asked that five times already. I'm not telling you,"

You groaned, annoyed.

When you and Kylo finally got to his car, he opened your door for you and practically shoved you inside, then walked around to the driver's side and sat down, turning it on.

"Okay, seriously...where are we going?" you asked again, crossing your arms, "I'm going to call the police and tell them I was kidnapped,"

Kylo started driving and made a snarky comment back, in typical Kylo fashion, "They wouldn't believe anyone would want to kidnap you after hearing how much you talk. They'd probably hang up,"

You slapped his arm, "You know I can grab the wheel and crash your car, right?"

He gave you a fake pout with his lips, "Aw, are your feelings hurt, hot head?"

"I can't stand you," you frowned, but secretly hid a smile.

After driving for a few minutes, you finally pulled up to an expensive ass store that you'd normally never step foot into outside of your current situation.

Kylo opened your door for you and grabbed your hand as you stepped out of the car, "Let's go, little angel,"

"Why on Earth are we here?" you asked as you walked into the small store.

"Pants," Kylo replied plainly.

"Ohhh,"

You almost forgot Kylo's jealous little interaction yesterday at the grocery store, telling you he was buying you pants today to make sure no one else but him could ogle at your legs. You were hoping he'd buy them for you because it was still cold outside and maybe he cared about your freezing legs, but nope. He was just a jealous fucker.

Inside of the store was intimidating and you looked out of place in a little skirt, Vans, and a coat. A blonde saleswoman came up to you and Kylo, looking you up and down before asking what she could do for you and that her name was Claire, but only speaking to Kylo.

Rude.

You interjected before he could say anything, "We're looking for pants,"

"And swimsuits," Kylo added.

You gave him a funny look before the lady started walking, instructing you to follow her, "We don't have swimsuits right now. It's not exactly in season in February," she stopped at a mannequin.

In fact, you noticed that this whole store was practically full of mannequins, no real clothes in sight on hangers or folded on tables. Everything was on display. It was expensive as shit, for real. 

Claire pointed to a couple of mannequins with jeans on and asked you to pick a few you liked and tell her your size. You pointed to the lighter washed ones and mumbled your pants size before she took you to the dressing area, Kylo following you.

As you waited for her to come back, you and Kylo stood outside of a dressing room, where you started to interrogate him.

"Why a swimsuit?" you cocked an eyebrow.

"You'll see,"

"It's February. I have no reason to need a swi—"

Kylo shushed you, "You'll see, little angel,"

You sighed, "Whatever, Mr. Vague,"

Claire came back, telling Kylo he could sit at a couch outside while you changed, then handed you the array of jeans. As you tried on the different ones, you noticed that none of them had prices on them and honestly, you didn't want to fucking know how expensive they were.

After trying on a few, you walked out of your dressing room in your favorite pair, "Kyloooo, come here," you called out, looking down the hall and into the mirror at yourself.

Kylo walked into the dressing area and eyed you, "They look nice. I like the fray or whatever that is at the bottom,"

"Oh," you peeked at the ends of your jeans, "Thanks...yea, me too. So I'll get these, then,"

Kylo stepped closer to you and started to twist the ends of your hair between his fingers, "Do you want more?"

"Um, I don't really think I need more. It's not like we're going a lot of places in the next week," you shrugged, "Plus, I have jeans and leggings at home. So...I don't really need much,"

"But do you want more?" he started, "I want you to have whatever you want,"

A warm feeling washed over you as you heard, ' _I want you to have whatever you want'_. You couldn't help it and took his hand away from your hair, holding it in your own, "You're being sweet again,"

"Aren't I _always_ delightful to be around?" he teased.

It made you giggle.

Kylo continued and put his hands in his pockets now, "You can get more if you like another pair just as much,"

"Kylo, I just don't really nee—"

"It's not about _needing_ , it's about wanting," he stated, interrupting you, "They look nice. If you like them, get more,"

You pursed your lips, thinking, before giving a small, "Okay,"

You were going to get three pairs and not give a fuck.

Well, that was until you were being rung up by Claire. Kylo leaned down and gave you his keys, whispering in your ear for you to go to the car. When you asked why, he kissed your temple and told you to go.

You knew why.

That shit was expensive as fuck for three pairs of jeans you could buy at American Eagle for a fraction of the price and Kylo didn't want you to feel bad.

So now, you were waiting in his car, grateful you didn't have to hear whatever the large number was for the jeans. As you sat there with the car on, waiting, you were grinning, thinking about how much Kylo liked you, how he wanted you to get more jeans, and how he was being so sweet.

Kylo finally got in the car, handing you the bag, "Change,"

"In the car?" you laughed, then quickly stopped when you realized he was serious, "Wait, like actually change right now?"

He switched gears and started to drive, "Yes, right now,"

"Um, okay," you murmured, taking your skirt off as Kylo drove. When you reached in the bag to get a pair of jeans, you saw a dark blue sweater inside, too, and pulled it out, "Kylo, what is this?"

"So you don't have to wear my shirt today," he explained casually, "I got it after you went to the car,"

You held the turtleneck in your hands and felt how soft it was. You were no expert at deciphering how fancy materials were, but this felt expensive. It was also a really pretty color that you knew would look nice on you.

"I like wearing your shirts...but I also really like this sweater. Thank you," you blushed and leaned over the center console, kissing him quickly on the cheek at the stoplight. He seemed a little shy after your gesture of affection, and as you pulled on the jeans, you swore you saw Kylo's cheeks turn slightly pink. This was a trend you were picking up on the past day or two. Kylo blushing was your favorite.

"Oh, uh why am I changing clothes anyway? What are we doing tonight?" you asked, then quickly looked around, making sure no cars were coming up next to you as you took off your shirt and put the sweater on.

"Going out,"

You mentally rolled your eyes and put your seatbelt back on, "Yeah, I got that part. I'm just going to stop asking questions, you never answer them anyway,"

Kylo smirked, "Correct,"

After driving for not too long, Kylo pulled up and parked at Target. The same one you and him were now 'banned' from.

"Um, we can't go in, Kylo,"

He shrugged and turned the car off, "Sure we can,"

You knit your brow at him as he stepped out of the car and to your side, opening the car door. Despite the little voice in your head telling you to stay and order him to get back in and go somewhere else, you got out. You were hesitant, but you still exited the car.

"Kylo, what if they recognize you? You're so tall and memorable," you were now following him as he walked toward the store.

He stopped and waited for you before putting his hand on your lower back as the two of you walked, "There are millions of people in this city. I doubt they'd recognize me,"

Kylo's confidence was annoying sometimes.

"Also," he added with a sly smile, "You think I'm memorable?"

"Mhm,"

Now inside, you were constantly watching over your shoulder to make sure no employees were eyeing Kylo, ready to kick the both of you out. Luckily, no one had given you any trouble but you were still fidgety and nervous. Then, you realized that sneaking around was kind of fun. You gave up peeking about every two seconds and just followed Kylo as he took you to the women's clothing section.

You crossed your arms, "Okay, what's up with the clothes buying today?"

Kylo took your hand and kept walking further in the area, "I figured Target would have swimsuits year-round,"

Why the fuck did you need a swimsuit in 50°F weather? Instead of asking this question and the multiple other ones you had to Kylo, you kept them in your head and decided to let whatever the hell he was planning be a surprise.

You were standing in front of the swimsuits and eyed each of them. The collection was lacking a bit, which wasn't surprising, so you pretty much could only choose from one pieces or plain black bikinis.

A black bikini, it is.

Kylo realized he technically needed some too and didn't want to have to swing back to his apartment, so now you were looking at the men's swimming shorts. It was either plain black or an ugly green plaid design, so naturally, Kylo went with black.

You got a little distracted when you passed by the candy aisle, begging Kylo to let you walk down it. He gave in and followed you, pretending like you were being childish again.

"Can I get Skittles?" you asked, picking up a packet.

Mr. 'I'm Too Good For The Target Candy Aisle' was now playing with your hair again, his eyes soft, "You can get whatever you want. You know that,"

Mhm. You did know that. It was just cute to see him get all gentle when you asked.

You smiled sweetly, "Thanks, Kylo. Are you going to get something?"

He looked at the candy and you could tell he wanted to.

"Please get something. I don't want to snack on these alone. Please?" you pouted your bottom lip.

Kylo picked Swedish Fish, his favorite apparently, and you saw his cheeks get a little pink again as he turned away, telling you to come on. You skipped to catch up to him, a grin across your face because you knew how shy he was being, probably realizing how warm you made him feel sometimes.

At the self-checkout, you did all the work because Kylo never really had to go to the store himself, let alone operate a self-checkout machine. As he watched you do it, Kylo stood behind you, putting his head on your shoulder, making it look like you had a second head.

You were waiting for the reader to approve his card when Kylo noticed the camera on the screen. He pushed your hair away from your neck and slightly turned his head toward you, slowly kissing your cheek, then jaw, all while watching your face in the camera.

A shy smile swept over you and your cheeks were hot. He always seemed to mess with you like this in public.

"Kylo..." you said softly and in a tone that was indicating he should stop, but you ended up tilting your head a little so he could kiss your neck.

You took his card out of the machine and closed your eyes for a moment, enjoying his affection. Luckily, it wasn't too crowded, so no one needed to use the machine after you yet.

Kylo's deep voice vibrated on your neck as he mumbled into it, "We should do _more_ things on camera,"

Your eyes widened, "On—On _camera_?"

"Mhm,"

You started to protest, "I don't want people to see—"

"It's not for others, little angel," he explained, "It would be for us,"

"Us?"

"Yes, us. Don't you want to see yourself? Hear yourself?" he started to whisper in your ear now, sending little shivers down your spine, "Watch me fuck you? You make so many sounds, I bet you don't even realize how noisy you are,"

You did wonder how it would look, watching yourself and watching Kylo...but you never really imagined _recording_ it. It sounded kind of hot, though. Technically, Kylo could make anything sound hot.

The receipt printed from the machine loudly, breaking the moment you and Kylo were having.

He stood up straight and added casually, "Something to think about," Kylo started to walk toward the exit and held his hand out behind him for you to take, "Let's go, baby,"

Both of you stopped mid-walk and froze, faces stiff, eyes large, and brains going into overdrive, letting his new name for you sink in. He'd never said that casually, only during sex once, you remembered.

You pretended like you didn't hear him, "What did you say?"

Kylo pushed his hand through his hair and averted his eyes from you, walking to leave again, "Nothing, come on,"

He didn't offer you his hand to hold anymore.

The car ride to wherever Kylo was taking you next was...a little awkward. You attempted to make conversation, but Kylo was being standoffish. You tried to laugh about how you didn't get arrested or something while in Target because you two weren't technically supposed to be in there, but Kylo just gave you a little 'mhm' and left it at that, so you ate some Skittles that he let you buy in silence.

After a while of driving though, his detached affect became more friendly and shy, thank God. You figured he got over himself, but you just wished he didn't have to be that way at all. Sure, this would end in a week or so and it'd fucking break you into a million little pieces, but you wanted Kylo to be able to express things like that without getting weird. Maybe it'd help him with the next girl he had sleep in his bed.

God, you wanted that to be you.

You now stood outside of a bookstore in Manhattan with Kylo. When you walked in, you saw it was a lot smaller than the one you'd been to the other day, and mostly everything was out in the open with barely any shelves to hide between and make out with Kylo in.

Bummer.

"I figured we'd actually buy books this time," he stated, opening the door for you.

A little bell on the door jingled and you were greeted by an older man in his 70's at the front, saying hello to you and Kylo. He was cute.

As you looked through the books along the walls, you and Kylo stayed together, just like last time, reading the books' summary on the back before deciding if it was worth a buy or not. After a whole hour, you had three in your arms that you were interested in and Kylo had two as you kept moving throughout the bookstore.

"How many can I get?" you asked, looking up at Kylo who was scanning the wall.

He grabbed a book and started to read the back as he replied, "As many as you want,"

"You sure?"

Kylo looked over at you, an annoyed expression over his face, "Yes, I'm sure,"

_Moody ass._

You put one of your hands up in surrender, "Hey, sorry. Just asking,"

He took a deep breath and leaned down, kissing the top of your head, "Sorry,"

"It's okay," you smiled, standing on your tiptoes, lifting your chin and waiting for him to kiss you again, this time on the lips.

He did.

At the checkout, the old man rung up the books and told you and Kylo how much he liked each one and that he'd read every single book in the store. He also said you and Kylo were a nice couple and that he didn't get many people in the store who came in together like this and stayed for so long looking at the same books. You let Kylo take the reins on this one, seeing if he was going to correct the man and tell him that you and Kylo were, in fact, not a couple, but all he said was 'thank you' and that both of you loved to read.

Kylo held the bag of books as you walked to his car, exchanging shy glances again. He put them in the back, then when he sat in the driver's seat, Kylo immediately grabbed your face and pressed his lips on yours for a few seconds before pulling away and starting the car up.

He didn't have to kiss you randomly, but he always did.

You noticed on the drive that weren't headed back to Brooklyn, so you figured Kylo was taking you somewhere else. The sun started to set quickly as you drove, the sky a pretty light purple, and Kylo's hand was on your thigh. This all felt so nice. The setting. The man. The books in the back. The way your fancy ass jeans fit. It was perfect.

\--

You were outside of a white door with a sign that read:

_Pop-Up Museum:_

_Mongolia in the 12th-14th Centuries_

_Feb. 19th-22nd Only_

_9AM-7PM_

"Are you serious?" you exclaimed, "Shut up!"

Kylo retorted, " _You_ shut up,"

A random pop-up museum for one weekend only was heaven to you.

"Kylo, how did you even know about this? How did _I_ not know about this? Oh my goodness, this is so cool!" your voice was high and you were giddy. Not only was this cool as fuck, but it was also so nice of him to take you here.

He tried to be casual, "A friend told me about it. It's no big deal,"

You immediately pushed open the door and walked into a large room with glass windows on every wall, putting the city in full view. Scattered about the room were temporary sections of walls that had art pieces on them and glass cases on the floor with random artifacts.

Someone working greeted you and Kylo, to which he went over to them, whispered something, then handed them cash.

You figured Kylo was an expert at bribing.

The person nodded, then left the room.

You knitted your brow at Kylo, "What was all of that?"

"I figured we could look around alone," he shrugged, "I know you like to look and read everything, so I thought I'd make sure it was quiet,"

He really thought of everything.

As you walked around the room, looking at each reminder that a world existed in another continent and time period than this one, Kylo followed, occasionally twisting your hair like he always did, or moving his hand up and down your back, feeling you.

After asking about books in his library relating to Japan in a specific time period, Kylo went out of his way to get you books that he didn't have, take you to the Met to see a painting from one of the books, and now, he was taking you here.

Sure, it wasn't Japan and sure, you weren't _as_ interested in his part of history anymore now that you had read about it, constantly moving onto the next part of the past you wanted to explore, but Kylo still leaned into what you had mentioned before.

It's like when you tell someone casually that you like Pepsi, then every birthday and gift-giving holiday for the next ten years, they get you Pepsi drinks, Pepsi themed pajamas, Pepsi _everything_ , just because you said you liked it once. Because they listened. Because they cared about what you liked. That's how this felt, not that you were complaining.

It actually made you really happy.

 _Kylo_ made you really happy.

When you were done looking at everything, you stood with Kylo by the big windows. You bit your lip harshly, trying not to cry. You were a fucking baby and Kylo wasn't helping. This was all so kind of him. All he did was buy you nice jeans, a few books, and take you to a low-key mini museum, but it wasn't like anyone had done something like this for you before.

He was so lovely and you didn't think he knew just how lovely he was. You couldn't hold it together and a tear ended up escaping your eyes.

"You did this because you thought I would like it?" you whispered, looking out at the city lights against the night sky. They were so much closer now that you were in Manhattan instead of in Kylo's apartment in Brooklyn.

"Yes," Kylo answered. You felt the back of his hand brush yours, not holding it, just touching, "Do _you_? Like it, I mean?"

You sniffled, "Yes,"

He moved to stand in front of you and frowned as he inspected you, "Are you crying? Why are you crying?"

You rolled your eyes and gave a small smile, "Because this is really _nice_ , Kylo. I'm happy to be here. I don't know. I just—I just really liked this,"

_I just really like you and how much you think of me._

"Well, you should stop crying," Kylo picked up your chin, making you lift your head to look at him, "There's someone meeting us for dinner,"

"What? Who?" you wiped your tears away quickly.

"Old friend Martina, the Director of Education at the Met,"

"The WHAT?" you practically screamed, "Is this a joke? Are you joking? You have to tell me if you're joking! It's not funny if you're joking,"

Kylo smirked and walked away from the windows, toward the center of the room, "Not joking. Come on,"

You followed him and grabbed his hand, "How the—I just—What?"

He looked down at you as he stepped to the door and opened it, "Calm down and try to speak in full sentences before we see her,"

You took a deep breath and walked through the door before continuing, "How the fuck did you do that? And why? And oh my God, I'm in _jeans_...and my Vans, ugh,"

"I'm in jeans, too," Kylo stated, trying to make you feel better about being dressed down, "You look fine. This is casual. The Vans are cute,"

He made you instantly stop groaning and you felt a little better knowing that Kylo thought your Vans were 'cute'.

You took the elevator down with Kylo and squeezed your hands in front of you nervously, thinking of all the things you'd ask this lady, what she'd think of you, if she'd hook you up with a job at either the Met or a different museum, and so much more. Your mind was racing and your body was trying to contain all of your nerves.

Kylo took your hand, obviously seeing how you were clasping yours together anxiously.

"Try to relax,"

You took a deep breath, cursing at him in your mind for springing this on you so quickly, but also mentally kissing him because of how thoughtful this experience you were about to have was.

You left the building with Kylo and walked right into the property next door, a fancy restaurant at the bottom level. After Kylo gave the staff his name, they showed you both to a table in the back of the dimly lit restaurant.

A waiter quickly came out and asked for drink preferences, to which Kylo ordered waters and a wine list. When the waiter left, you shook your head at Kylo, "I'm not drinking,"

Kylo challenged you, just like he did when the two of you went to the event last week for the organization he was part of, "You should get a drink. It'll calm you down. I know you're nervous,"

You immediately relaxed your incredibly tense shoulders, "I'm not nervous,"

"Liar,"

"Nerves are good, anyway," you told Kylo, but it was mostly so you could tell yourself that, "So I'll have a water,"

"I wish you'd get wine,"

You frowned at him, "I wish you'd realize that it's not a big deal for me,"

Kylo didn't say anything, so you went on, "Besides, once I'm drinking, then I'm tipsy in a second, then I'm drunk the next second. You don't want to see me drunk. It's a mess,"

Kylo took a sip of his water, "Might have to get you drunk sometime, then,"

You gave him a stern 'no', then quickly turned around after hearing Kylo's name being called behind you. It was the lady from the Met and you internally started screaming from excitement. After standing, you introduced yourself, heart racing, and tried to tone down your grin that was probably coming off a little serial killer-y.

Her black hair was curly and peppered with grey strands, and she wore a deep purple lipstick. She looked cool as hell.

"Hi, I'm Martina. So nice to meet you. How are you?"

You were shaking her hand for what seemed like forever before you choked out, "I'm so good, hi. So—So lovely to meet you. I like your uh, lip color,"

"Oh thanks!" she let go of your hand and gave you a smile before stepping to Kylo, shaking his hand and doing the whole 'Hi, good to see you, how've you been, it's been so long' yada yada.

As soon as you sat down with Martina, questions flew out of your mouth about her work. You figured Kylo told her he had a friend interested in what she did, so you didn't mind skipping the small talk and getting right to what you were wanting to know.

Throughout the dinner, you learned about what she did with local schools and programs they had at the museum. While it's not what you wanted to do exactly, it was fascinating and you listened to everything she had to say.

She eventually asked about you and you gave her the whole spiel, listing off your favorite classes that you took and your favorite local museums and how much you loved everything about what museums bring to people. You were going on and on.

You got so excited about the topics you and Martina were bringing up and nerding out about, so you were raising your voice a little, talking with your hands, and barely touching your food when it eventually came out. Martina was actively talking to you as well, getting equally excited, which was nice that you weren't alone.

You noticed throughout the night that Kylo watched you as you spoke. When you'd glance over at him, his eyes would always be on you. Sometimes he looked focused, listening to whatever you were rambling about, other times he'd look like he wasn't paying attention to your words at all, just watching the way you spoke and your mannerisms.

When dinner was eventually over, you and Kylo walked Martina to the subway entrance a block away. She gave you her card, said to call if you needed anything, and went down the stairs as you stood there, still reeling in this whole experience.

"She was so cool, Kylo," you grinned, " _That_ was so cool. You did not have to do that,"

Kylo shrugged, "I thought it might be nice for you to meet her," he turned to walk back to the restaurant so you could get the car, "Let's go, little angel,"

You held you coat close to you, walking with Kylo, thinking about how he gave you such a nice night. He was trying to play it cool, but this motherfucker did all of this for _you_ and you knew it.

After getting in the car, Kylo drove for twenty or so minutes in traffic until he stopped somewhere just south of Midtown in Manhattan, "Last thing of the night. Grab your swimsuit," Kylo told you as he pulled up to a hotel.

The two of you got out and Kylo gave his keys to the valet, then put his hand on your lower back, leading you inside. He gave a nod to a guy working the large front desk from across the room and the man nodded back.

"Are we staying here tonight or something?" you asked when you arrived at the elevator.

Kylo stepped inside and pushed a button for the top floor, "No. We'll only be here an hour, maybe,"

You made it to the top floor and followed Kylo into the hall where there were bathrooms and a door at the end, clearly leading outside. You saw a few colorful lights in the air, and you knew Kylo was taking you to the pool area.

First, he motioned you to the bathroom to change, where he did the same. After changing, you walked outside into the cold air and looked at the large rooftop pool and jacuzzi. You were shivering and hugging yourself to stay warm as Kylo walked you to the hot tub, where you gladly got in, exhaling deeply as the hot water soothed your cold skin.

"Oh my God, this is so wonderful," you sighed, still letting your tense body relax in the water.

Kylo got in, too, on the other side, "I'm glad. I thought it could be fun. I haven't been in one in forever,"

"And you wanted to...with me?" you asked curiously, knowing the answer already.

"Yes,"

Because he liked you. A lot.

Suddenly, a bunch of water hit your face. You were a little confused for a second, until you realized that Kylo had splashed you. _He_ splashed _you._

"Kylo, I don't think you want to do that. I have a little brother, you know. I know how to splash people," you warned, a shocked expression still on your face.

Kylo pushed his hand through the water again, making it splash you once more. You accidentally breathed it in, because you're an idiot, so you coughed a bit. Kylo quickly went over to you, pushing your hair out of your face and looking concerned, "Are you okay?"

You shoved him away as you giggled and splashed him with water back a few times before he lunged at you and pulled you over to straddle him when he sat down. He was smiling at you, like...an _actual_ smile, as he said, "Hot head, you're sneaky,"

Kylo's smile was wonderful and rare. In this moment, you realized how fortunate you were to see it, be a reason for it, and to be able to smile back at him. He made you feel so many things, and while love definitely did not come first when you met him, you felt it slowly wash over you in moments like this.

"Kylo," you started, your face going from happy to serious, "I love when you smile,"

His smile started to fade.

"And I love when you're fun with me," you figured you'd said that a billion times already, but you figured a billion and one couldn't hurt. You continued, "And I loved today,"

You saw him bite his lip a little before nodding his head and saying, "Good,"

"But I think I love kissing you the most, so can I do that?" you giggled.

Kylo answered with his lips on yours in a split-second. At first, the two of you were going slow for a few minutes, taking in being with each other, feeling each other, then Kylo became more aggressive, pushing his tongue in your mouth and letting his hands explore wherever they wanted to as you pressed against him.

You suddenly felt very vulnerable, in the open, as you made out with Kylo. Pulling away from the kiss, you looked around, making sure no one else was nearby, watching you.

Kylo noticed your paranoid behavior, "No one else is here. It's just us,"

"What if someone comes up?"

Kylo chuckled and started to kiss your neck as you still looked around, worried, "They won't,"

You started to relax again, no thanks to his lips on your skin, but you were still a little nervous, "How do you know?"

"I know someone here and asked them to close the area for the rest of the night," he mumbled.

"You mean you paid them," you corrected him.

Kylo faced you, no longer kissing you, "Yes," he told you matter-of-factly, then went back to your original anxiety, "But if someone _were_ to come up here, I'd let them watch,"

You felt your face heat up, "You would?"

Kylo nodded and started to knead at your ass, his fingertips digging into your skin, "And you'd like it. I know you would, little angel,"

You kissed him again and mumbled, "Maybe,"

You decided it wasn't worth missing out on each second with Kylo like this, worried if someone would come up, so you kissed harder and sloppier, hands running through his hair, tongue dancing with his.

Kylo met you with the same intensity as his grip on your ass was harsher, pushing you down and against him. You felt Kylo's growing bulge press between your legs and you sighed into his mouth from the feeling of it rubbing on you.

You didn't notice you started to softly roll your hips over him, making yourself feel good, until Kylo whispered between kissing, "You seem needy, little angel,"

"I am," you breathed and pulled on strands of his hair desperately, "I want you inside of me, Kylo,"

He broke the kiss and shook his head, "Not a good idea in the water,"

"Oh," you frowned. You didn't really think about how uncomfortable it might be or the risk of infection. You were just horny.

Kylo nudged his nose on yours, "Home, okay?"

You nodded and he kissed you again before taking your bottom lip and sucking on it harshly.

"Tell me what you want me to do to you when we get home," Kylo ordered while he kissed down to your neck and sucked on you, his warm tongue barely touching your skin every time he picked a new piece of your flesh to devour.

You thought for a moment, your brain a little fuzzy from how good it felt when he did that, "I want you to tie me to our bed like I've heard you talk about before,"

"Mm," he hummed, "I'd like that. What else?"

You closed your eyes and tried to control your breaths as his mouth moved down to your chest, kissing the part of your tits that weren't covered by your swimsuit, "I want you to make me wait to come again,"

Kylo's hands moved from your hips to your back, slowly untying your top, "It felt nice to wait, didn't it?"

"Mhm,"

"What else?" Kylo asked, untying the strings around the back of your neck now.

You were mindless at this point as you replied, "Whatever you want, Kylo,"

"Whatever I want?" he pulled the bikini top off of you, exposing your tits to the cold air.

Your next sentence came out in more of a moan when you felt Kylo's warm mouth kiss your nipples, "Anything. Whatever you want,"

It wasn't much longer that you were in the hot tub with Kylo, letting him kiss all over your chest before the both of you became impatient, wanting to get home.

\--

"Take off your clothes and sit on our bed, little angel," Kylo said calmly as you both walked in the door to his place.

Straight and to the point.

You gave him a nod and before you went into his room, you saw him go into the kitchen. You shrugged and did as he said, putting down your things and taking off your clothes, then sat on the bed.

Kylo came in not long after with a glass of water, handing it to you, "Drink this,"

You took the glass, "The whole thing?"

"Mhm," he said, taking off his jacket and tossing it to a nearby chair, "The whole thing,"

There was no reason to ask why or be annoying, so you simply nodded and drank the water until the glass was empty. Kylo took the cup from you and put it on the bedside table, then went into his closet. He came out a moment later with something in his hands.

Rope.

You forgot you told Kylo you wanted him to tie you up. You were starting to regret it a little now that you were here.

Kylo stood next to the bed and motioned for you to give him your hands. He tied them together expertly, then leaned down to speak to you face to face, "I'm only doing your hands. Maybe next time we can tie up your legs, too, but this time it's just your hands. I don't want to make you uncomfortable in case you don't like it, okay?"

"Okay," you said in nearly a whisper. You were nervous.

Kylo kissed your forehead and smiled, "You'll be fine. You just won't be able to touch me the way I know you like," he nudged you a little, "Lay back,"

You did as he said and moved yourself to the center of the bed, laying your head back on a pillow. Kylo got on the bed and took your hands, lifting them, and tied more rope to the existing knot. He grabbed some kind of hook thing, putting it at the top of his headboard, then tied the new rope to the hook. So...there you were, bound, hands above your head, unable to move them very far without your wrists hurting from the rope.

"Kylo, I can't really move,"

He dipped his head down and kissed your forehead again, "That's the point. Just wait until you let me do your whole body sometime, _then_ you won't be able to move. But just try to relax right now,"

You gave him a small 'okay' and took a deep breath as Kylo moved between your legs and took off his shirt. You forgot all about how uncomfortable your wrists were when you watched him. He was so enthralling.

Kylo started to kiss your thighs, moving inward as he spoke, "You might get angry with me, little angel, but I wouldn't do anything to you that wouldn't make you feel good. Do you understand?"

His eye contact as he kissed you was making your breathing hitch, and all you could get out was "Mhm,"

"Good girl," Kylo's voice was low and buzzed over your skin. Soft kisses turned into sucking, and little popping noises filled the room as he moved to another spot on your thighs, leaving red and purple marks in his wake. He bit you a few times, all while looking at you to make sure you were comfortable. You were.

When Kylo decided your thighs were done, he trailed kisses up your stomach and pressed his nails into your sides. He held your waist down because you kept trying to wiggle your body and arms, just wanting to touch him.

"Worked up already?" he smirked, lips still going up your body until he reached your tits.

"Always for you," you breathed, trying to contain yourself as Kylo flicked his tongue over one of your nipples, the other one between his fingers, rolling it. You arched your back and mumbled little curse words of pleasure.

Kylo took his mouth off you and slapped your thigh, hard, making you cry out in pain and a bit of pleasure from the sting.

"I thought you were my good little angel, hm?" he cocked an eyebrow.

"I am, Kylo," you whined, "Please keep going,"

He smiled and kissed across your chest to your other breast, "Only because you said please,"

Kylo unbuttoned his jeans and pulled them off as he bit and sucked at the fleshy parts of your tits, probably needing to take pressure off of his hard erection that struggled against the tight fabric.

He worked his mouth all over your skin, from your thighs to your collarbones. Kylo straightened his back and looked down at you, assessing what he'd done. All of the little bruises from sucking were probably already noticeable and there were indentions in your skin from his bitemarks. Kylo's claim on you was visible now.

As he scanned your body, Kylo looked captivated and breathed, "I wish you could see how look right now," he then lowered himself back over you to kiss you aggressively on the mouth, making you arch your back to feel more of your skin on his, needing him. Your arms naturally tried to wrap themselves around his back, but your wrists struggled against the rope, stuck.

"Patience, sweet girl," he sat up again and put two of his fingers over your mouth, pushing them inside, "Get them nice and wet for me,"

You coated Kylo's fingers with your saliva until he pulled them out and moved his hand down to between your legs. You felt a growing pressure, needing to pee now from the water you drank and became nervous that Kylo touching you would be too much.

"Um," you started, "Kylo, I h—"

He quieted you by kissing you softly, "I know. It'll feel so much better this way, though. Okay?"

"Okay," you nodded, trusting him.

Kylo moved his fingers between your folds back and forth while you squirmed. He put a little pressure on your clit and watched your face with his lips slightly parted, enjoying every second. Kylo pushed his fingers inside of your pussy finally, making you struggle against the rope again. All you wanted to do was grip the sheets, but you couldn't.

He was still hovering over you, occasionally leaning down to kiss your cheek as you cried out from the way he touched you. Kylo curled his fingers, hitting you in such a good spot and after a minute or two, the pressure in your bladder was fueling your orgasm and you felt a building of pleasure in your lower stomach already.

Kylo noticed and pushed you a little more until you were nearly there, your brows knitting and body tensing, then removed his fingers. You frowned at him, but remembered how good it would feel later. You still wanted to come now, though.

"Don't be angry, little angel," Kylo said, moving his head between your legs, "I know just what you like, isn't that right?" he kissed your inner thighs again, "So you'll let me taste you and tell you when to come, yes? And you know I'll make you feel so good, hm?"

You moaned a small, "Mhm,"

Kylo lightly blew cold air onto your pussy, making you whimper in response. You heard him chuckle at how reactive you were before you felt Kylo's tongue lick you, just tasting. You made sure not to curse, and instead ended up mumbling incoherent babble at how good it felt. The feeling of burning on your wrists was starting to feel good as he kept going, tasting you, teasing you, and sucking on your clit after inserting his fingers again.

You wanted to reach down and put your hands in his hair, push his head closer to your pussy, but instead, you rocked against his tongue, pursuing an orgasm again that you knew would come quickly if he kept this up.

"Your moans are so pretty, baby," he grinned and made eye contact with you.

"Oh my God," you cried, Kylo calling you baby to your face was about to be what sent you over, "Kylo—"

"Wait, little angel," he started to work his fingers slower and pressed your hips down with his other hand so you couldn't try to ride his fingers anymore, "Can you wait a little longer? I want to see how long you can go,"

You let out a shaky sigh and nodded.

"I'm so proud of you," Kylo said, swiping his nose on your clit.

It took everything in you not to just completely scream in the best way possible.

You could tell Kylo was the type to get off just by pleasuring someone, hearing them whimper just from what he was doing to them. He watched you closely normally, but even more so now as you really were starting to lose it, having to wait so long to come. You knew he loved turning you into a mess.

You didn't know how much time had passed of him teasing you with his tongue before he finally nodded at you, "Whenever you're ready,"

Now that you were 'allowed' to come, Kylo's thumb worked harder on your clit and you felt the familiar feeling rush through you, stronger this time because of the other pressure in your belly. You tried not to make too much noise, but you couldn't help it. You practically sobbed as you came, the feeling overwhelming and strong. Kylo was smiling as he crawled over you again and kiss your forehead, whispering that he was so proud again.

You were still trying to catch your breath, but didn't care. You wanted him all the way now.

"Boxers off, Kylo," you breathed, your legs shaking.

Kylo cocked his head and gave a little pouty face, "No please? I thought you were a good little ang—"

You kicked his leg and hissed, "Take them the fuck off,"

"Oh my God, my little hot head," he smirked and pulled them off, kicking them to the ground, "I like you like this,"

You nervously smiled, just happy he wasn't going to punish you or something for cursing again.

Kylo pressed the tip of his thick cock against your pussy before asking if you were ready. You said yes, because obviously, and Kylo brought his face to yours as he pushed inside. Both of your jaws were slack and Kylo's eyelids became heavy quickly while looking down at you. After the initial thrust, he stayed there for a moment, eyes locked with yours and said as he thrust again, "You always feel so perfect. You're so perfect for me,"

Fuck, you wanted to touch him. The rope was killing you.

Kylo dipped his head down to your neck and breathed heavily into it, groans escaping his mouth and buzzed hot onto your skin.

He was taking his time, fucking you slowly and pushing himself seemingly all the way into you, deep. It felt like a shift from earlier, but you didn't mind. You liked this. It felt almost like it was love.

Kylo reached over to the bedside table, grabbing something quickly, then cut the rope above you, releasing your wrists. He untied the rest of the rope around your hands, tossing it off of the bed, then took your wrists and kissed the red marks from the rope, all while continuing to thrust into you.

You were so happy to touch Kylo again and you instantly grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him down to you, wrapping your arms around him and kissing him, moaning into his mouth, "I love touching you, Kylo," you said, your voice nearly raspy now.

"What else do you love, little angel?"

_Oh, I don't know. You, I think._

Kylo started to thrust faster and harder as you told him all of the things you loved.

"I love this feeling, right now—Oh God—I love knowing how good I make you feel. I love weekends. I love how safe you make me feel," you started to get choked up, probably from too much stimulation and feelings in the air, so you stopped there.

He always made you feel so safe, always asking if you were ready or okay. Always getting permission before he did something. You were safe with him. Not just with sex though, all the time. Kylo was safe to talk to, to share things with, to laugh with, to be with. Kylo made you feel so much, but one thing you loved was that he made you feel safe.

When you thought of how you felt emotionally about him, the physical feeling of him became stronger, and it was noticeable on your face.

Kylo lifted one of your legs slightly, letting him hit you in a better spot, "Does it feel good, baby?"

"Oh my God, call me that again," you shut your eyes tight, focusing on each hard thrust of his, "Right there, Kylo,"

"Right there, baby?" he asked, his voice deep and breathy. It made you want to rip the birth control out of your arm and have him come inside of you when he said shit like that.

You felt your eyes roll back in your head a little at his words and you nodded a lazy 'yes' even though Kylo really didn't even _have_ to ask 'right there?'. He knew where to touch you every time.

"You want me to help you come one more time?"

"Yes, please," you sighed, then instantly felt his thumb at your clit, helping you come again, "Don't make me wait, Kylo. Just let me come again," you whined.

"Whatever you want,"

You squeezed your eyes shut at the feeling and came again, which wasn't hard considering how much pressure was now on your core, warmth flooding all over your body. Kylo was mumbling something into your neck as he started to thrust harder, chasing his own orgasm, but you couldn't really hear him. Your brain was numb and you felt like a little mess.

You didn't even notice when Kylo pulled out of you and began to stroke his cock above you.

"Can I come on you, little angel?" Kylo asked, his face concentrated and voice raw.

You nodded, "Yes, wherever you want,"

If you weren't so exhausted, you'd be pleasuring yourself at the sight of Kylo doing the same to himself.

Kylo leaned down and pressed his big hand around your neck, squeezing it harder as he was close, his eyebrows knitting. A moment later, warm cum landed on your chest and stomach, Kylo's hand leaving your neck as he continued to pump his cock over you until he was finished.

Kylo kissed your face over and over again and you heard him tell you that you were the only person who made him come this fast and that you were his perfect little angel.

A few minutes of catching your breath and coming back to reality, Kylo got up and grabbed a towel, wiping you off. Then, he told you to go to the restroom and start the shower when you were ready. You made it to his bathroom with wobbly legs and finally peed, turning on the shower afterward, signaling for Kylo to come in.

Now in the shower, Kylo was caring for you like he did the first few times you had sex. You didn't take showers together often, but when you did, it was lovely.

"Are you tired, little angel?" Kylo smiled, clearly seeing the dazed look in your eyes as he put shampoo in your hair.

"Yeah,"

He told you to close your eyes as he moved you under the water, rinsing your hair, "We'll go to bed soon,"

"I love sleeping next to you," you murmured, eyes still closed even though you weren't under the water anymore.

"I know,"

Kylo washed his own hair and you felt him stare at you, probably making sure you weren't about to fall over. Your knees were a bit shaky and your brain was practically a puddle now. You felt like this a lot after sex with Kylo.

"I'm sorry I didn't make you wait longer or make you come more. I just—" Kylo cleared his throat, nervous, "I just get excited with you,"

"I like everything just fine how it is now," you replied, rubbing your tired eyes.

Kylo kissed the top of your head, then turned off the shower, "That's because you haven't done everything,"

"Vanilla is nice, though," you shrugged.

"It is, little angel. Let's go to bed,"

Out of the shower, Kylo tried to put your pajamas on you, but that was just too humiliating, so you slapped him away and did it yourself. He looked a little offended he couldn't help, like all he wanted to do was to take care of you, so you kissed his cheek as you changed in his closet and told him you were just fine to do it.

Finally in bed, you really thought any second could be your last one awake, that's how tired you were. And yet again, your mouth betrayed you.

"Kylo, did you know there are only nine days left?" you asked, holding his hand that was draped over your waist and grazing your stomach while he spooned you.

"Yes,"

You nuzzled yourself back closer to him, feeling his always warm and wide chest, "Do you count each day like I do? I count each day,"

"I do,"

"I'll be so sad next Monday," you mumbled, "I think you will be, too,"

You felt Kylo shift a little in the bed, "Go to sleep,"

"Kylo—"

His hand went over your mouth, shushing you. You figured that was for the best. Who knew if you were going to tell him you loved him or something? You were still trying to figure that part out for yourself.

Kylo told you a quiet goodnight and that he'd see you in the morning, leaving you no other option but to finally go the fuck to sleep. You really hoped you didn't ruin tomorrow by talking so much, but it made you feel a little better when Kylo went back to holding your hand in front of you.


	16. overwhelmed.

** Day Twenty-Two. **

After brushing your teeth with Kylo, you started to walk out of his room before he picked you up and threw you back on the bed, then crawled over you.

It was starting to look like an interesting morning already.

Kylo laid on top of you, all of his weight pressing against you, and he pretended to groan, "I'm so tired, still,"

You pushed at his big shoulders and laughed, "Get off of me you freak. I can't breathe,"

He slowly rolled off and laid on his back beside you before giving you a small smirk, "Climb on top of me, little angel,"

You did so, happily, and sat up straight as you straddled him. Kylo's big hands were rubbing up and down the tops of your thighs, your knees digging into the mattress on either side of him. You put your hands on his and led them up into your shorts a little, then back down your thighs, then up again.

"Someone's in a good mood this morning," you smiled, feeling Kylo's hands press harder into your skin as he dragged them over you.

Kylo took your shirt in his grip and pulled you down to him swiftly, "Careful," he warned before making you kiss him. His hands were up the back of your silk tank top now, rubbing your bare skin again. Kylo was always touching you.

Now that you were kissing him, eyes closed, in the moment, you remembered he was still shirtless and in his boxers. Kylo always usually had a shirt on, but lately he kept it off when he slept with you. You made sure to touch him all you could, wanting to feel and remember Kylo Ren.

He kissed you slowly, eventually pushing your hips down to softly grind on him.

"Kylo," you whispered on his lips, "Can I do something?"

He looked at you slightly puzzled before he felt your hand move between the two of you, brushing over his growing erection. You rubbed your hand over him again, the feeling Kylo huff in your mouth as you kissed and seeing his brows knit a little making excitement rise in you.

Your voice was low as you said his name, "Kylo,"

He slowly opened his eyes with heavy lids, "Yes?"

You lightly gripped his cock over his boxers, still growing, and kissed down his chest and stomach, "I want you in my mouth, Kylo. Can I do that?"

"Fuck yes," he let out an exhale, probably slowly losing it at your words, and sat up, back against the headboard.

"You'll help me?" you asked innocently, helping him pull his boxers off, "You'll tell me what to do to make you feel good?"

Kylo gave you a quick nod and took your chin between his fingers, pulling you to kiss him again, before motioning you down to his freed cock. He got right to it, wrapping his hand around himself and telling you to spit. You nodded and moved your hair to one side, kneeling next to him, and gathered spit in your mouth before letting it coat his tip. Kylo spread it over his cock before telling you to do it again.

After you spit again, Kylo let you take his length in your hand, now, softly gripping it and feeling how big it really was. His veins were prominent, and he was fully hard and throbbing.

"You're so big, Kylo,"

"Mm," Kylo's eyes shut for a second, hearing you, "Stroke it, sweet girl,"

You nodded and pumped his shaft a few times before needing him in your mouth already, leaning down and kissing his tip as you stroked him.

"Jesus, yes," Kylo whispered, "Keep going,"

Kylo always got to watch you squirm, so when you saw him do the same, it was nice.

You flicked your tongue on his tip, because you'd seen it in porn once, and then just went for it, gathering spit in your mouth and wrapping your lips around him. You bobbed your head up and down a few times, first just getting used to the way your jaw and mouth had to adjust around him, then getting more comfortable in a motion.

Kylo directed you a few times, telling you 'tongue' or 'deeper', and you always followed his instructions, letting your tongue work around him along with your lips as you sucked, and going deeper. You kept pumping the base of his cock as much as you could, making sure you were doing all that you could to satisfy him. You also made sure to look at him, even though it was hard to multitask like this all on top of an aching jaw. 

One of Kylo's hands moved to the back of your head and gripped your hair as he grunted, "Can I push your head?"

"Mhm,"

He pushed your head down softly at first, letting you get used to how it felt feeling his cock go further into the back of your throat. Then, he pushed it harder until you felt him nearly gagging you. Your eyes watered and little choking noises sounded from the back of your mouth, but you knew you could handle it. You needed to handle it. Kylo always made you feel good, not expecting anything in return. You wanted to do that, too.

After a bit of maintaining a speed and rhythm with your mouth and doing whatever he told you, you felt Kylo's cock in your mouth tense.

"You're going to swallow?" he asked between shallow breaths.

You made eye contact with him and answered in a hum, "Mhm,"

The vibrations of your voice against him must have felt good, because Kylo shut his eyes and breathed, "Oh my God," and it was the most fantastic thing you'd ever seen. He told you to keep doing exactly what you were doing, and to get ready.

When Kylo finished, warm cum filled your mouth and it wasn't the most wonderful thing you'd ever experienced, a little choking and sputtering involved, but it also wasn't bad. You liked the feeling you gave Kylo and how you directly got to taste what you did to him.

Good feelings aside, you swallowed, but some liquid dribbled down your chin and the sides of your mouth as you sat up, catching your breath. It took Kylo a moment to collect himself before he put his thumb over the mess on your face, slowly pushing the loose cum to your lips, letting you suck it off of his finger. As you sat there, Kylo told you that he was so proud of you and that you were such a good girl.

When you washed your face in his bathroom, you realized how much your jaw hurt from it all. Worth it, though.

\--

You spent the rest of Sunday morning eating breakfast, then reading on Kylo's couch, one of his arms around you. You became bored with your book after a while and needed something to do, so you asked Kylo if you could call Nicky.

As you spoke to Nicky, you stayed in the living room with Kylo because he said it wouldn't bother him, and you heard all about how Nicky was getting better at using his wheelchair, and the doctors were hopeful that with some new therapy, Nicky would be able to get a bit of feeling back in his legs and he'd be able to maybe walk someday, depending on how the therapy worked on him.

He told you how your mom was all over him, never giving him space like he was a baby, and how it'd be nice when you came home for his birthday soon. He seemed a lot better this week than compared to the past few weeks, which was good.

After thirty or so minutes, you said your goodbyes, telling him you'd call him at the same time next week, then hung up the phone.

"He was good?" Kylo asked, eyes still on his book.

You crawled under his arms and straddled him, making him break his attention for a moment, "Yeah, he was good,"

Kylo looked a little annoyed at your intrusion, but put his book on the couch next to him, "That's good,"

"Mhm," you leaned forward, kissing him. You were feeling a bit clingy today for some reason, "I wish you didn't have to go to work tomorrow,"

"It's not tomorrow yet," Kylo replied in a grumpy tone.

"Kylo," you giggled, then dipped your head down to kiss his neck, "I know that,"

You felt his fingertips trail up and down your spine, indicating he wasn't too annoyed with you yet, "Don't you have someone else to bother?" he teased.

You faced him again and pushed his hair behind both of his ears, "But I love to bother you and I love when you bother me,"

"Mhm, well can we bother each other later? I'm at a good part of my book," Kylo explained, his expression looking remorseful, "Please?"

You sighed and rolled off of him, grabbing your own book from the coffee table, "Fine,"

While you loved to read, you felt like that's what you'd done all day already, so you were quickly bored again after thirty or so minutes. You tucked your book to your chest while your head was on Kylo's lap and thought about what you could do.

When you had an idea, you stood and wandered over to the hallway where your old room was.

"What's in the other rooms?" you called out to Kylo who was still sitting and reading, "I've never looked in them," you added.

"Nothing much," he muttered, his attention not on you at all.

You leaned on the wall, hands behind your back, "Can I look?"

"You can look wherever you want, little angel," Kylo waved you off, clearly more interested in his book.

You kind of wanted Kylo to look with you, but whatever. You pushed yourself off of the wall, rolling your eyes, and went down the hallway. There were two rooms you hadn't been in, so you turned the handle on the closest one to you and looked inside, flicking on the light.

You were kind of expecting something crazy, like a sex room or a room full of reptiles or something, but it was just a bedroom with a bathroom attached to it. There was one painting on the wall, the sheets and blanket on the bed the same as in Kylo's room, and it was clean, like it hadn't been touched in a long time.

He didn't seem like he ever had guests, so you wondered what all the space was for.

After shutting the door and walking further down the hall to the other room, you peeked inside. It was another bedroom, decorated the same, but this one had boxes around the floor. You stepped in the room and bent down, reading the tops of the cardboard. _H.S._ and _L.O._ were on different ones.

"Hi,"

Startled, you stood up straight and spun around to see Kylo watching you from the door.

"Hi. Sorry, you said I could look around. I didn't open anything. Promise," you put your hands up innocently.

Kylo walked further in the room, next to you, looking at the boxes.

"So," you started, "What's all this stuff?"

He crouched down and opened one of the boxes, "Parent's old stuff from their house,"

"Oh...we can leave if you want," you offered, not knowing if this was okay. You knew his relationship with his parents was weird and you didn't want to stir anything up for him. 

Kylo was still for a moment as he looked inside, then started to filed through the box, "No, no. We can stay. I haven't looked at this stuff in years,"

As much as you were questioning how good of an idea this was, you said a small 'okay' and sat on the floor.

You were now looking through his parent's old things on this cloudy, Sunday afternoon. It felt weird for you, mostly because you had no idea who these people were, only to see little materials of their life before you, but it was interesting to watch Kylo find things.

He'd look at each thing for a while, whether it was a picture or an old book, completely concentrated on it. You assumed Kylo was remembering certain things about whatever it was. He would then simply put it back in the box and move on to the next thing, repeating the process. He occasionally told you 'this was my dad's' or 'this was my mom's' but he left it at that, never sharing more. That was okay.

Thirty minutes later, you and Kylo were laying on the bed in the room, one of his dad's old books about planes and jets outstretched in front of you, while Kylo threw an old baseball up into the air over and over again as you laid there.

"It's nice to remember things," Kylo commented softly as he caught the ball, then threw it up again, "Sometimes I forget the good,"

You turned your head to face him, "The bad can be hard to ignore, but it's important to remember the good things...especially since they're gone, you know?"

"You're not my therapist," he muttered, tossing the ball again.

You sighed, disappointed that he couldn't stand someone dare to talk about his feelings even though he initiated it, "It's called _talking_ , Kylo,"

After he caught the ball, Kylo turned his head to you for a moment, "I'm sorry,"

You went back to flipping through the book, "I forgive you. Just try not to be so reactive when you don't need to be,"

"I know," he said in a small voice, throwing the ball again, "I've been working on that lately...amongst other things,"

"Like what?"

Kylo took a deep breath and didn't really give you an answer as he replied, "Just things,"

It was quiet for a while.

Kylo started the next conversation hesitantly, "Maybe if I have kids, I can use this stuff to play with them like my dad use to with me,"

He was referencing the baseballs in the boxes and a few other trinkets.

You closed the book and turned your head to Kylo, "I thought you didn't want kids,"

"I said I didn't think so," he bit his lip, not looking at you.

You nodded slowly, "Ah, gotcha,"

Kylo kept throwing the ball as he spoke, "You do, right?"

"Yeah,"

He seemed to think for a moment, "They're just so easy to ruin,"

You knew he was talking about himself.

"Sometimes," you shrugged, "I feel like most of the time they turn out okay, don't you think? Most people are good people,"

"I suppose," he mumbled.

You knit your brow, "You don't think you were ruined...do you?"

He replied plainly, "Sometimes I think that,"

"I don't think so," you said quietly as you began to read through his dad's old book again, "You're one of the best people I've ever met,"

"Don't say things you don't mean,"

You looked at Kylo again, your expression serious, "I rarely say things I don't mean, Kylo,"

He glanced at you for a moment before staring at the baseball in his hands.

"I think the same about you," Kylo said, his voice low and hushed.

You chewed on the inside of your cheek, hoping to not smile too big. Kylo thought you were one of the best people he'd ever met. He also liked you...a lot. You secretly hoped he felt stronger, but then you remembered.

Eight days.

"Will you tell me more about your parents?" you asked nervously. It felt like you could be walking on eggshells right now.

Kylo started to toss the ball again, "What do you want to know?"

"Whatever comes to mind when you think of the good things," you said, now rolled on your side, tucking your head into Kylo's shoulder, hoping he wouldn't drop the ball and knock you out.

He didn't say anything for a bit and it made you think you'd gone too far. Then, you realized he was thinking and started to talk shortly after, giving you bits and pieces of the good in his memories. Kylo said he liked listening to his dad talk about flying and hearing his mom talk about all of the things she was passionate about, which was a lot of things, apparently. Whenever you looked up at him as he spoke, you saw the faintest little smile as he remembered, but Kylo never fully grinned. He kept his emotions, the happy ones at least, pretty reined in.

Kylo's 'good' memories eventually turned into bad ones and he accidentally shared about having a terrible temper and a lot of anger, with those being a few of the reasons his parent's relationship with him was so awful, apparently. When he realized he admitted that, you saw him frown and he stopped talking altogether, sharing nothing else. He instead directed questions at you now, asking about your family, which you happily answered. Kylo seemed to like listening and hearing about your mom and Nicky. You wondered if maybe, possibly, by chance this would be a thing outside of these walls and Kylo would meet them.

When you finally left the room with Kylo, tucking the items back into their boxes and turning out the light, it was time for lunch and Kylo wanted to help. He seemed a little drained from going through his parent's things, so you offered to just do it yourself, but he told you he liked to do things like make food with you. It was small and probably not as big of a deal as you were making it out to be, but you felt your heart soar a little, knowing he liked to be normal with you.

So now, you stood in Kylo's kitchen making food with him and for a moment, you forgot about how sad leaving made you. You mostly forgot about it because he made you laugh when you pulled out some lettuce, making him groan because you were 'forcing' him to eat salad. That was until you told him it was just to put on a sandwich and that he was big baby.

While you got out the bread, you asked curiously, "You have so much space here...why? Like, it's just you and you've got a bunch of room,"

As Kylo cut up a tomato, he replied, "I like space. I also thought that maybe one day my parents would come stay here...if we made up, I guess. I don't know, I just always made space. And i'm still here. I don't know when I'll move again," he added.

"I see,"

It was quiet again before he asked, "Do you like sharing it with me? The space, I mean,"

"Yes," you gave him a shy smile, "I love it,"

"You do?"

You stopped what you were doing and looked at him with eyes that you knew were practically sparkling, thinking about how much you liked being here with him, "Yes. There's a lot of things I love here,"

Kylo's jaw tensed and he seemed to take a deep breath before he replied, "Oh, good,"

The two of you went right back to being quiet again.

Aaaand that's how it was the rest of the day. The apartment that was usually noisy with your laughter or Kylo's loud voice was fairly silent. The sirens from the streets below were more noticeable as the day went on.

"Kylo," you knocked on his office door around 5PM, where he was working for a few minutes, and poked your head inside, "Can we do something?"

"Do what?" he stood from his chair and walked to you, leaning on the wall.

You shrugged, "I dunno. Anything. I'm bored and it's Sunday and tomorrow you'll have to go to work and leave me all alone and I'm dreading it," you said dramatically.

"You want to spend time with me, is that what I'm hearing?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow, going back to the Kylo you liked so much.

"Maybe," you took his hands in yours and played with him innocently, "So, what are we going to do? No museums, no bookstores...literally anything else, please. Whatever you want,"

Kylo thought for a moment, "We could go for a walk,"

"A walk? Where?"

"I don't know," Kylo shrugged, "Anywhere. Around the block. To a coffee place. Wherever,"

You brought his hands up to your lips and kissed his knuckles mindlessly, your affection exploding the last few days without you even realizing it, "Getting out of the apartment for half an hour or so would be nice,"

Kylo seemed uncomfortable by something you did or said and casually took his hands away from yours, "We should change, then," he said, not looking at you, and walked out of the library.

You frowned and thought it was weird, but followed him to change anyway.

On your walk, Kylo didn't try to hold your hand or put his arm around you, so you just kept your coat close to you in the cold and watched the sky turn colors as the sun began to set early, feeling weirdly alone even though he was walking right beside you.

You and Kylo went for a few blocks in silence.

And no, not comfortable silence.

You finally reached a coffee shop where Kylo stopped and went inside, opening the door for you to go in first. After ordering coffees, Kylo sat at a small table and you did the same.

"Okay," you crossed your arms as you sat down, "What did I do? You're being weird,"

Kylo wasn't giving up whatever he was feeling just yet and lied, "I'm not being anything,"

"You were being weird in the library right after we decided to go on a walk and you didn't talk to me at all on the way here. We always talk. And—" you continued, "And you didn't hold my hand or touch me at al—"

"Kylo!" the barista at the front called out. Kylo went and grabbed your drinks, leaving you worked up at the table by yourself.

When he got back, you continued, "Anyway—" he set your drink down, "Oh, thank you. Okay, anyway, you're just being weird,"

Kylo sipped his hot coffee and shook his head, "I'm fine,"

"Are you?"

He looked tired, but he smiled anyway and reached over, dragging your chair next to his, "I'm fine,"

You sighed, "Okay,"

The rest of the time you had coffee, Kylo seemed...fairly normal again. When _you'd_ talk, which was a whole lot, Kylo looked like he wasn't really listening, just watching you. It was a lot like last night at dinner with Martina from the Met. Except, this time Kylo nervously tapped his foot or clasped his hands together. He had something else on his mind completely, but you knew whatever it was, it was about you from the way he was still present with you.

You ignored it because he told you he was fine and you didn't want to annoy him, but you wondered what was going on in that head of his. You finally made him talk for a while until he wanted to leave. On the walk home, he was a lot better. Kylo held your hand and actually spoke to you.

You hoped the rest of the night would be good.

Kylo made dinner when you got to his apartment, with no help from you, and he looked proud as he set down your plate. It was literally just spaghetti, but you figured you'd settle for bare minimum in this department. Kylo was so above average everywhere else.

It tasted good, too. There were no indications that whatever he made was spoiled, so you happily ate and teased him the whole time about how surprised you were it turned out okay. After you kissed his cheek randomly between eating bites, just because you wanted to, it looked like there was something that was still bothering him, his mood back to kill the vibe again, so you asked one more time during dinner how he was or if you'd done something to upset him, but he said he was fine again.

You wanted to get him out of whatever funk he was in, so after you and Kylo did the dishes, you dragged him in the living room and made him watch more of _The Amazing World of Gumball_ with you, knowing that he laughed at it before. You were hoping he'd laugh again.

One episode later, Kylo was still quiet. No huffed laughs. No smiles. No nothing. He was letting you cuddle up to him on the couch and occasionally kissed your temple, which was a good sign, but still. He was being weird. Kylo's mind was somewhere else and it killed you.

You turned off the show, getting another idea in your head. Scrolling over to the Spotify application on his TV, you went to your account and played one of your favorite songs, _Golden_ by Harry Styles, volume up, and got up from the couch.

You held your hand out to Kylo who, this whole time, seemed to miss that you even stopped the TV show at all.

"Let's go. We're dancing, Kylo," you smiled sweetly.

It looked like it was physically paining for Kylo to take your hand and walk with you to the windows at the edge of his apartment, but he did. With the music on in the background, you held his hands and spun around, trying to be uplifting. The song was upbeat, so the dancing was different than what you'd done with him before, but he smiled back at you softly, watching you jump around like a crazy person.

After a while, though, he started to look miserable as he watched you. Each time you spun, you saw his face fall more and more. You slowly stopped jumping around, his expression dawning on you.

Out of breath, you released your hands from his, "Kylo, wh—what's wrong?"

Were you being annoying? Were you being too much?

"I'm sorry," Kylo apologized softly, blinking at you with tired eyes, "I'm overwhelmed,"

You instantly grabbed the remote from the coffee table and turned off the music, "Oh, Kylo, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to overwhelm you," you explained, keeping your distance from him so you didn't _keep_ overwhelming him, "I know I can be a lot and the music was loud and I made you get up and dance and—"

"No,"

You cocked your head, confused, "No?"

Kylo pushed his hand through his hair as he looked at you, never breaking away from your eyes. He stood there, expression intense, staring at you. Kylo wanted to say something, but he wasn't saying anything at all.

You decided to try and get him to talk, "Why are you overwhelmed? We can talk about it if you want. Or not. I can give you space if you nee—"

"No," he interrupted you.

"Well," you bit your lip nervously, "What's wrong?"

He looked so sad. It was making _you_ sad.

You and Kylo were standing seven feet apart in silence as you waited for him to explain what was up and why he was feeling this way. You didn't want him to be uncomfortable around you and he seemed like he was right now...well, this whole evening actually. You wanted to understand and to help.

But he wasn't _talking._

"Kylo..." you probed again, "What's wrong? Is it something to do with why you've been a little weird the past few hours?"

You saw his eye twitch a little and he was biting the inside of his cheek. Your heart raced waiting for him to reply.

"I think I've given you too much," he said softly.

"Oh," you started, "Is this about the...money? I can return some of it. I mean, I really only needed about half of what I'm getting to pay for Nicky's stuff. I don't need it al—"

"No," Kylo shook his head.

You looked around, confused, "Kylo, I'm not understanding. Can you tell me what you mean?"

You noticed his chest rising and falling deeply. He was trying to control his breathing. Kylo then turned and walked to a nearby wall, turning off the light to get rid of the glare on the windows, leaving you and him in the dark. The only light in the room was coming from the city outside.

He stepped to the windows and motioned for you to come over with him.

You swallowed thickly and went over there, standing beside Kylo. He was looking outside, so you did, too. Your instinct was to lean on him, hold his hand, put your arms around him, step in front of him and have him hold your waist and put his chin on the top of your head, but you didn't do that. You just stood next to him, looking out at Manhattan, waiting for him to speak.

"I've given you too much," he started quietly, "of myself...and it's been on my mind today,"

Your lip wiggled, "And that's not what you want? To give too much of yourself to me?"

Kylo shook his head, his eyes stayed staring out the glass windows, "It's not what I wanted, no,"

Your chest tightened and you felt stupid. Of course this wasn't what he wanted. You gazed at the city lights that were now little blobs of light from your eyes watering. You blinked the tears away.

"I'm sorry," you whispered, "I don't mean to make you do things you don't want. I don't have to sleep in your room anymore if that's an issue," your voice started to crack, "Um, or you can just let me know whatever else I need to do. I really don't mean to make you do things you don't want like—"

"Shh," he shushed you, "Let me keep going,"

Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed Kylo put his hands behind his back, where he was fidgeting with him.

It took him a few moments to speak again.

"And I'm overwhelmed—" he added before stopping abruptly, seemingly assessing his next words, "—I'm overwhelmed because things are getting hard to ignore,"

You'd never been in a fight, so you'd never been punched, but you figured this was what it felt like to get punched in the stomach.

You looked up at Kylo, who's eyes were still away from yours, and asked, "Things?"

"Yes, things,"

You looked back at the city and said in a small voice, "I'd like to know what things,"

You felt like you knew already.

"The way I think of you," he replied. You'd never heard his voice this soft before.

Kylo continued after a moment, "The way I know you think of me,"

"And it's a problem?" you asked, but really it came out more like a statement.

Kylo cleared his throat, "Yes,"

Tears were rolling down your cheeks, but you kept your voice calm, "Because this is just a business deal. An exchange," you said plainly, "And I'm leaving soon,"

"Yes," Kylo said matter-of-factly, "But—"

He stopped himself.

"What? But what?" you glanced up at him.

He gently took your hand, but still didn't look at you, "Nothing,"

"Why are you holding my hand?" you sniffled and took your hand away from his, "You just said this was a problem, apparently,"

"Maybe it doesn't have to be," he replied, not missing a beat, taking your hand again. Kylo peeked down at you nervously before looking back out the windows.

"What are you saying?" you swallowed.

Kylo pressed his lips together, thinking, as you looked up at him.

He shook his head, "Never mind. I'm just tired. I don't know what I'm saying. I think we should go to bed,"

You let go of Kylo's hand and stood in front of him, forcing him to really look at you, even in the dark, "I'm not tired. It's early, Kylo,"

"It's nine o'clock,"

"It's _early,_ " you crossed your arms, "I feel like we should continue this,"

Kylo shook his head again, "I don't think I want to,"

"Why?"

He rubbed his forehead, obviously tired, "I have work tomorrow. You can stay up and do whatever...but I'm going to bed. This was a dumb conversation,"

Kylo turned around and walked across the apartment to his room and you let him.

Maybe you just needed to talk to him tomorrow when he had a clear mind. Or maybe this whole conversation really _was_ dumb and he didn't mean any of it. He was just tired, right?

You stayed up for an hour longer reading in his library, but you were so bored and just wanted to be near him, so you tiptoed in his room, making sure not to wake him, brushed your teeth, changed into pajamas, and crawled into bed next to him. You faced the wall, away from Kylo, but after a moment, he rolled over and put his arm around your waist, pulling you close to him.

As you laid there, your heart ached, his words from earlier echoing in your brain

_The way I think of you._

_The way I know you think of me._

You backed up into him, making a home in his arms like you always did. This time, you were holding on for dear life, practically.

"Kylo," you whispered and turned around to face him, "Are you awake?"

"Yes," he said plainly, like he had been awake this whole time, unable to sleep for the last hour.

"I think we should forget about tonight," you ran your fingers along his jawline and felt the stubble on his chin, "...and go back to normal,"

"I think so, too," Kylo replied, pressing his forehead on yours. One of his hands went to your waist, reaching up your shirt just to feel your skin.

"Ignore the other stuff," you added, scooting closer to him, "You know?"

Kylo nodded, "Because that's not what this is,"

"Right," you agreed.

Kylo still had his shirt on and it made you frown, "Will you take off your shirt? I like it better off,"

He sat up and pulled it off before tossing it on the floor, "I like it better off, too," he said, laying back down and putting his hand on your waist again.

"You've been keeping it off lately," you noted.

"Mhm," Kylo hummed.

It's because he was getting comfortable with you, and he had it on tonight again to distance himself, not being able to feel your skin on his, you guessed. But now it was off.

He brushed his lips on yours and slowly ran his hand up and down your whole side now, from your ribs to just below your hips as you laid there. You let your fingers on his jaw trail to his ears, tucking his hair behind them, then going down to his neck, just feeling him. You were both starting to slowly feel every part of each other's body now as your lips brushed, not kissing yet.

You were trying to grasp what this moment was, a mixture of softness, longing, wanting to be close. It was nice, despite the circumstances.

Kylo steadily moved above you, making you lay on your back, and he lifted your shirt off you and put his head at your chest, softly kissing you there. His hands felt the curves of your waist, both sides now, then touched your thighs, as you moved your fingers along his back muscles and shoulders.

Like last night a few others, Kylo usually sucked at your chest and neck, but tonight, he was just softly kissing you everywhere. No marks. No popping sounds. Just kissing your skin, like he was praising it.

Kylo came back up to face you, his calloused hand cupping your cheek, stroking his thumb near your temple. Then, he finally kissed you. Not aggressively. Not hard. It was gentle and tender. He hooked his fingers in the waistband of your shorts before asking quietly, "Can I take these off of you, baby?"

You nodded and tried to lose it at him calling you 'baby' again, "Yes,"

The room was impossibly quiet, the only sounds were the bed shifting, sheets rustling, and little whispers from you and Kylo. This moment felt delicate.

You lifted your hips as Kylo took off both your pajama shorts and panties, then took off his own boxers. He kissed your cheek before he asked, "Do you want this?"

"Yes," you smiled, "Always. I love this,"

Kylo brushed his lips on yours again, whispering against them, "I do, too,"

You felt him press his cock at your pussy, then push into you slowly, deep exhales leaving both of your mouths as you felt each other. You thought that maybe yesterday felt like love when Kylo was going slow with you as he fucked you, but you were wrong. This was what that felt like. This was that love.

You felt completely consumed by Kylo, feeling every move, responding to it, moving with him, not knowing exactly where he started and you stopped. Kylo was going agonizingly slow for what seemed like forever, yet not long at all. You made sure his face stayed close to yours, hands on the back of his neck, but you didn't need to. Kylo kept his forehead pressed on yours the whole time.

Neither of you came, but that's not what you were chasing. You were just wanting to feel this with him, and him with you.

While you both agreed to ignore the way you felt, what you just did seemed like you took ten steps back because now you were in love and you knew it.

You loved Kylo Ren and you only had eight days to get over it. 


	17. let me in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> may I pop in and remind you that Kelstra is the roommate

** Day Twenty-Three. **

You loved Kylo and needed to find a way to stop before the week was up.

But this morning, he was making it really hard to do that.

It all happened so fast. You woke to Kylo holding you a little tighter than normal, so you knew he was awake. You whispered a sleepy 'hi', and the next thing you knew, you were both touching each other again. His hands were gliding from your waist to your legs as you spooned, and you were moving yourself against his bulge behind you.

You both just really couldn't help it.

"So pretty," Kylo mumbled into your neck as he kissed it slowly, his hand moving under the waistband of your shorts, "You're just so beautiful,"

It was around 6AM and still dark out, no light peeking into the room.

You held his head behind you, your fingers through his hair, "You can't even see me,"

"I don't need to, little angel," he replied, his hand now at your panties, "Can I touch you? Can I make you feel good this morning before I go?"

Oh God, you loved how much he liked to make you 'feel good'. He could probably just make you feel good by kissing you and calling you 'hot head' all day, but you figured this would do, too.

"Only if I can make _you_ feel good," you opened your legs a bit, letting him know he could touch you more.

Kylo slipped his hand into your panties and began to run two fingers between your folds, "How about I make you nice and wet, then I'll fuck you just like this? We'll both feel so good and you can go back to sleep after like a good, little angel?"

"Mhm," you cleared your throat, trying not to already moan at his touch, "That'll work,"

"And then when I come home, I'll fuck you again. Is that what you want?" Kylo asked, putting pressure on your clit, to which you took in a sharp breath and arched your back.

"Yes, it's what I want," you breathed, "It's all I want,"

Kylo made a little groaning sound into your neck, clearly getting off to your words, "My baby, you're so good for me,"

It was nice to wake up and be fucked like that.

Only seven more mornings with Kylo.

\--

"Don't fucking cut me," Kylo said, a little bit of annoyance and anxiousness in his tone.

You rolled your eyes, "No promises,"

"I don't know why I agreed to this,"

"Yeah, I don't know why you did either," you smiled, holding Kylo's razor to his chin, "I could kill you right now, you know,"

Kylo squinted down at you, "You wouldn't,"

"I _could_ ," you shrugged, "Okay, stop talking. I need to focus,"

You were sitting on Kylo's bathroom counter while he was standing between your legs, palms on the top of your thighs, as you concentrated on helping him shave.

You insisted and he gave in after a few minutes of you begging.

"Okay, so I just...go down?" you asked, a little nervous now.

Kylo sighed, "Mhm,"

You moved the razor down his chin a little, shaving his tiny stubble in a small, single spot.

"Okay, okay, I can't do this. I'm done. I'm going to accidentally kill you," you whined, putting the razor next to you on the counter, "You do it,"

"Jesus Christ," Kylo muttered, "Get down,"

You hopped off of the counter and stood next to him, watching Kylo in the mirror as he picked up the razor and started to shave his face. He got a little closer to his reflection, leaning forward, and you did too. You kind of just wanted to watch Kylo do normal things like shave, get ready for work, and other stuff like that.

It was nice to be with someone you loved, even if maybe they didn't love you back and were going to let you walk out of the door in exactly a week.

Kylo peeked over at you in the mirror, "Don't look at me like that,"

You straightened your back and cocked your head, confused, "Like what?"

He looked back at himself, focused on shaving again, "You know what,"

You were quiet for a second, realizing the way you were probably looking at Kylo as you thought about him.

"Um, okay. Well, I'll just go...away," you said awkwardly, leaving the bathroom. You weren't sure how you'd be able to stop yourself from looking at him like that, how to stop yourself from thinking nice things, how to stop yourself from falling more and more in love with him, especially when he fucked you only fifteen minutes earlier, calling you 'baby' and shit like that.

You felt trapped.

You also felt a hand grip your wrist as you were walking, pulling you back into Kylo's bathroom. You were instantly lifted up onto the counter before you could even protest or really get a handle on what was happening.

"Stay," Kylo said softly, "I'm almost done,"

He went back to shaving in the mirror as you sat there on the counter, not looking at him, afraid you'd think nice thoughts about him again. When Kylo was done, he patted on aftershave and moved between your legs.

"Am I allowed to look at you now?" you asked dramatically, eyes on the ceiling.

Kylo grabbed your jaw, "Yes,"

"Oh, thank God," you teased.

A small smile quirked at Kylo's lips, but it wasn't much. He just kind of...stared at you for a moment, his hand still gripping your jaw. It then slowly released and started to move to your hair, where Kylo twisted the ends between his fingers. At first, his eyes went to your hair, but then trailed back up to yours. He swallowed thickly and knit his brow just barely, as if he were thinking.

"What?" you said quietly, breaking the silence.

Kylo replied quickly and blinked, "Nothing,"

"Okay, weirdo. Do you want coffee? I can make some before you leave while you get ready. Do you want eggs? Or a bagel? I think we got bagels when we went to the store. I'd have to check," you rambled, "Um, or—ooh we got _fruit_! Do you want fruit? You said you liked strawb—"

"I'll eat whatever you want to make," Kylo interrupted you and helped you off of the counter, "For the coffee, will you please only put—"

You interrupted him back, "Only a little, teensy, baby splash of creamer. I know. Oh, and you like your eggs over-easy between toast. Don't worry, I know,"

Kylo froze for a second, his hand still on your waist from helping you down. He looked...disturbed. That was the only word you could come up with about his expression.

"Oh my God, what?" you tugged on his arm and gave him a funny look.

He took a deep breath and started to walk out of the bathroom, whatever he was thinking now shoved into the back of his mind, "Nothing,"

"Whatever," you mumbled, leaving too. He was awful at communicating and you didn't even want to try.

After making him coffee, you went back into his room, stepping to his closet, where you found Kylo dressing. It was hard not to stare as he fixed his tie in front of the mirror. You thought about giving him his coffee, then standing in front of him and tying the tie yourself, like in the movies, but you didn't know how to tie a fucking tie, so you just stood there for a moment as he finished, then cleared your throat.

"Hi. Coffee," you outstretched your hand, giving Kylo the mug, "Egg sandwich is done. I put it in a paper towel on the kitchen island so you can eat it while you leave,"

"Thank you,"

"No problem,"

Kylo put on his suit jacket, juggling and sipping the coffee between switching hands, "What are you going to do today?"

"I dunno," you shrugged, "Probably read, try yoga again until it hurts too much, maybe sit on the balcony for a while...wait for you to get home," you added.

"You'll miss me while I'm gone?"

Such a simple, harmless question.

But after last night and this morning, you couldn't _not_ take it seriously. You were hurting too much suddenly.

"Yes. I _start_ missing you when you get out of bed, then when I see you put on your suit. I miss you when I hear your footsteps in the kitchen, ready to leave, then when you shut the door behind you. I'll miss you when I do the same. In a week, I'll gather my things up and say goodbye to the library, our room, the dumb TV you bought. The way my Vans sound against your floors will hover in the air as I'm walking to the front door for the last time, my suitcase rolling behind me. I'll miss you when we say goodbye and act like nothing ever happened. I'll miss you when I wear the blue 'I HEART NY' t-shirt in my sad, little house without you. So yes, I'll miss you when you're gone because in just a few days, I'll be gone, too, and just the thought lately makes me want to vomit,"

You didn't say any of that.

But you wanted to.

You started to nervously play with the end of your shirt, knowing the two of you shouldn't really be talking like this. A sinking feeling started in your stomach. Fuck, you were going to hurt so bad next week.

You replied anyway with a watered-down version of what the inside of your head was screaming. 

"I miss you every time the door closes," you said quietly, eyes on the floor, "B-But I hope you have a good day at work,"

You still weren't looking at him, but you heard him say a small 'thank you' through his teeth. Maybe you made him uncomfortable. Whatever. He started it. He started _all_ of this.

As you leaned on the door frame of his closet, you chewed on your lip, not knowing what to say now. You didn't have to dwell on the silence for long though, because in a split-second, Kylo was standing in front of you, lifting your chin, kissing you.

You wished he didn't pretend to love you back.

It made you sad.

After he left, you spent the rest of the day being bored again. Weekdays were torture when you had to wait for Kylo to get back. You binge-watched a TV show or two, snacked a bunch, sketched on Kylo's printer paper, read a few chapters of a new book of his you were starting, and took a nap.

You were bored but you were spoiled as shit at least.

Finally, what seemed like years—no, _eternities_ later, 5:30PM rolled around and soon enough, Kylo was back. His keys jingled at the door and you shot up from the couch that you'd been reading on in the living room. A big smile stretched over your face as the door opened, Kylo on the other side.

This morning was a little depressing for you, thinking about how much you'd miss him, but now that you spent all this time away from him and he was back, you were instantly giddy again. It seemed like he was, too. Kylo tossed his bag in his library and took off his suit jacket as he walked directly toward you.

Before you could say 'hi', Kylo palmed the back of your head and brought your face to his, making you kiss him. You threw your arms around his neck and stood on your toes as Kylo's tongue pushed between your lips. You went straight to making out. It was truly zero to one hundred today.

"How was work?" you asked between kissing.

Kylo backed you up to the couch, "Work was shit and you're going to make me feel better. Lay down,"

You laid back on the couch and giggled as Kylo crawled over you, kissing you again.

"Tell me what you told me this morning—" he kissed you again in the middle of his sentence, "—about how you missed me and the door thing,"

Kylo pulled up your shirt as you asked, "When I said that I missed you every time the door closes?"

"Yes, that," he breathed, "I've been thinking about that all day,"

"What else did you think about?" you smirked.

"How much I love being done with my fucking job so I can come home to you,"

The both of you were so fucking bad at ignoring how you felt.

His eyes fell to your black, lacy bra, then Kylo started to kiss you again, this time on the cheek and jaw, “I know you don’t like the shit they gave you, but fuck, little angel—“ Kylo slipped his hand under your bra and squeezed your breast, his cold fingers simultaneously rubbing over your nipple, “—I love that they gave you these to wear on your pretty body,”

"Oh my God, take off your clothes right now," you begged, tapping his back, "Please, Kylo,"

Kylo dipped his head to your neck and chuckled, "Not yet. I want to hear you beg more,"

He was sucking on your sensitive skin, hand still under your bra, as you squirmed beneath him, little sounds escaping your mouth. Kylo was right the other day, you _were_ noisy...and sensitive.

"Kylo, please," you whined.

Kylo moved to the other side of your neck, sucking harder, "Let me mark you, little angel. Then I'll fuck you until you can't stand, okay?"

Oh, Jesus.

"O-Okay,"

Suddenly, there was knocking at his front door. You froze, but Kylo stayed kissing you.

"Ignore it," he mumbled.

You pushed at his shoulders, telling him to get up, "Kylo, what if it's important?"

"Nothing is as important as this right now, hot head,"

He had a look in his eye like he wanted to eat you, and you instantly agreed with him, "You're right," you pulled him back down to your neck where he kissed you again.

More knocking.

You both ignored it.

Whoever was outside knocked again.

"Get the fuck out of here!" Kylo finally yelled.

You sighed, "Kylo, just go answer the door,"

"Fuck no. I've had a long day and I'm going to fuck my girl and not let anyone ruin it," Kylo moved down your body, his head between your legs now, kissing your thigh, "I can't wait to taste you, little angel. You always taste so sweet. You're my sweet girl,"

"Kylo," you giggled.

More banging on the door made you stop smiling.

"If you're a neighbor and need something, text me. If not, go the fuck away," Kylo called out before looking back at you. You were frowning.

"Kylo, please go get the door,"

"Jesus Christ," Kylo muttered and got off of you, pulling you up with him. He grabbed your shirt from the floor and helped you put it on before adjusting himself in his pants, "Let's show this fucker what they're interrupting,"

He picked you up like a doll (because he was so big and strong and the manliest man you'd ever seen) and slapped you on the ass playfully as he walked to the door, still being rattled with knocking. Kylo set you down and stood behind you, hands around your waist and mouth at your neck, wanting to put on a show, apparently.

"Open the door, little angel," he mumbled.

You rolled your eyes, but kinda liked when he acted like this, and opened the door.When it was fully open and you realized who was on the other side, your jaw dropped and you stood up straight, trying to shove Kylo out of the crook of your neck. ****

"What the fuck?!" the person on the other side of the door shouted.

Kylo laughed as he still held onto you, "Who the fuck are you?"

"Oh my God," you muttered under your breath.

"Yeah, 'oh my god' is right! What the fuck!" she yelled.

You tried to shoo Kylo's hands off of you as you asked, "How did you find me?"

"Hey," Kylo grabbed your jaw and made you look at him, "Who the fuck is this?"

You shut your eyes for a second, almost embarrassed, as you sighed, "Kelstra,"

"Oh," he let go of your face.

"Don't touch her like that," Kelstra spit at Kylo, then looked at you, "Let me in,"

Kylo grabbed your jaw again and kissed your cheek, "Like this? Don't touch her like this?"

"Who the _fuck_ is this guy?" Kelstra yelled, her pale, nearly white, skin turning red with anger.

You slapped Kylo's hand away and put your own up in a little surrender, "Okay, first: breathe, K,"

"Shut up and let me in,"

Kylo spoke again, "What is going on?"

She ignored him.

"How'd you even find me?" you asked Kelstra.

She crossed her arms and leaned on her hip, "I was bored and looked at your location that we share, you _idiot_. I thought you were four hours away, not four fucking _minutes_. As soon as I saw your ass here, I came right over and knocked on every fucking door, thinking you were either dead or lying to me. Can you guess which one I was preferring?"

"Kelstra—"

"Who the fuck _is_ this?" she asked again, motioning at Kylo, "I've never seen this dude in my life and now you're at his _apartment_? And how _old_ is he? Jesus Christ,"

Kylo was offended, "Watch it,"

You looked up at him, "It's okay, Kylo. She's just being protective...I think," you whispered.

"He seems just wonderful," she said, rolling her eyes, "Kylo, was it? Awful name. Who the fuck picked _that_ out?"

Kylo frowned, "Fuck off,"

She ignored him again and asked, "Why'd you lie? You're supposed to be with Nicky,"

You felt bad. Like...really bad. You already hated lying and now that it was blowing up in your face, you started to nervously fidget with your hands, "It's so much to explain..."

Kelstra and Kylo simultaneously reached for your hands, trying to get you to stop your nervous habit. They gave each other annoyed looks.

"Okay? I have all day. Apparently, you do too," she said, crossing her arms again.

"Give me one second, K," you shut the door and heard her groan behind it as you peeked up at Kylo, "Sorry, Kylo...can she come in? I really think she might call the police or something if I don't just sit her down. She's kind of worked up,"

"I can tell,"

Shit. You felt bad now for all parties involved. This was all your fucking fault.

"I'm sorry...just five minutes. Please?"

Kylo rolled his eyes and walked to his living room, sitting on one of the couches, his way of telling you 'fine'. You opened the door back up and motioned for Kelstra to come inside, where the two of you went to the living room, too. A moment passed of awkward silence as you and Kylo sat on one couch, Kelstra on the other, staring at you, then Kylo, then back at you. She was assessing the situation.

It was strange to have your worlds collide like this.

It was strange and you didn't like it.

"Can you give us some privacy?" Kelstra asked Kylo as she tossed her silver hair over her shoulder, smiling at him.

You missed her so much. She was insane.

"It's my apartment," Kylo replied.

"And?"

"No," he said plainly, putting his arm around you.

Kelstra huffed at Kylo before looking back at you, "Okay whatever. Explain. Now,"

You bit your lip before speaking, "Kelstra, everything is fine. I'll be home in a week. Nothing to worry about. I'm just here...visiting Kylo. A-And I've been here since I left our place. I'm sorry I lied...but I'm fine,"

"A week?" she squinted.

"What?"

She clarified, "You'll be home in a week, you said?"

"That's when I leave here," you nodded.

Kelstra cocked her head and looked at Kylo suspiciously, then back at you, "Are you on a schedule?"

Shit.

"Yes,"

"What do you mean?" she asked. Each time you went on, it seemed her brow furrowed more and more, her mind working overtime trying to figure out what was going on.

"Ugh," you grumbled.

She was getting more frustrated, "What the _fuck_ is going on?"

"I...Oh Jesus, okay fine," you gave in.

It was so painfully awkward explaining this whole thing to Kelstra as she looked at you with wide eyes, parted lips, and occasionally shot daggers at Kylo when you explained why you were there. There was no easy way to say 'I sold my virginity to help pay for Nicky and Kylo took my phone and I forgot to turn it off so you couldn't see my location and I lied to you about everything because I'm a terrible person'.

When you were finally done after about ten minutes of awkward explaining, she stood from the couch, her hand outstretched, "Let's go,"

"What?"

"We're leaving," she motioned for you to take her hand again.

You shook your head and found yourself leaning more into Kylo next to you, and your grip on his thigh that you were resting your hand on tightened.

"Fine then, I'm getting a glass of water," Kelstra walked to the kitchen.

"Make yourself at fucking home," Kylo mumbled, "Is she always like this?

You gave Kylo a look, "Yes...but usually we're not in this kind of situation. I'm sorry, Kylo," you apologized again.

"All I wanted to do today was fuck you on this couch and then watch that dumb fucking kid's show," he sighed and rubbed his eyes.

Poor Kylo was tired.

"I'm sorry," you apologized again, "You can do literally whatever you want to me when she leaves, okay?"

Kylo cocked an eyebrow, "Anything?"

Kelstra was back with a glass of water, her face a little less red from before, "So you're staying?"

"Did you not listen to anything I told you?" you nervously laughed.

"My parents can help with Nicky's bills. You don't need to be doing this," she told you.

"Kelstra, I'm not taking your parent's money,"

"But you're taking _this_ guy's?"

"My name is Kylo," he interjected.

Kelstra looked him up and down, seriously judging him, "Sorry—You're taking _Kylo's_ money?"

Kylo stood, "You should leave,"

"Kylo," you tugged on his hand and made him sit back down, "Just hold on,"

He sighed deeply.

Fuck fuck fuck you hated yourself for causing all of this.

"Kelstra, I'm not leaving. I'll see you in a week,"

She nearly spit her water out as she yelled, "You're insane!"

"K, stop,"

"No, seriously," she put the glass on the coffee table, "This isn't like you,"

"I know,"

Kelstra looked at the floor and frowned, "I can't believe you didn't tell me,"

"Sorry,"

Kylo leaned down and whispered in your ear, "Can she leave now?"

Kelstra looked at Kylo, "What are you saying? Are you making her do things she doesn't want to do?"

"What? No," he laughed at her.

You squeezed his thigh, telling him to stop, "No, he's not,"

Kelstra pointed her finger at him, "If you are, I'm cutting your dick off,"

"Okay," he smiled.

"I'm serious," she warned.

You looked up at Kylo, "She's serious...she really would,"

"I really would," Kelstra nodded.

You raised your eyebrows at her, "But you don't _need_ to because _I'm fine,_ "

She started to shake her head, "At least tell me you haven't had sex with this dude,"

You didn't say anything.

"Oh my God, you wanted to save it for someone _special_!! Couldn't you have just refused to fuck him and take the money when you leave?!"

"What? Kelstra, stop—"

She interrupted you, "You've been here for what? Three weeks?"

"...yes,"

Kelstra threw her hands up in the air, "This is insane. He's got to be drugging you or something,"

"Calm down," Kylo muttered.

"Kylo, not now," you turned back to Kelstra, "Why would you say that?"

"You just met him and you fucked him," she said, "Saving it for someone special, my ass,"

You finally yelled back, so fucking fed up with her, "I _did_!"

Kelstra wasn't having it, "Oh my God, it's been _three weeks_ ,"

"Okay?"

You could tell Kylo suddenly got very uncomfortable. You noticed him shift slightly away from you on the couch, his arm no longer around you. After a moment of silence, Kylo got up.

"You can talk alone now. I'll be in the library,"

He didn't look at you as he left. You could tell he was upset by something.

"Thank you!" Kelstra smiled rudely.

"Kelstra, listen...I'm fine. I'm an adult. This is my choice. By the end, I'll have a fuck ton of money and be able to pay for Nicky's stuff. I'm only here for four weeks total—"

She tried to speak, but you put your hand up, shushing her.

"It's worth it and it's actually nice here. _He's_ nice,"

Kelstra looked at you for a moment, slowly realizing there was nothing she could do. She seemed disappointed, but you didn't really care anymore.

Finally, she laughed, "...what the fuck is your life, you little freak?"

"You're telling me,"

It was quiet again for a moment before you spoke, "I'm fine, really. I'm sorry for not telling you, but I knew you'd do this and I was desperate. Shit, I _am_ desperate. Okay? This is all for Nicky. I'm going to be done in a week. Like—like exactly a week. Okay?"

Kelstra bit her lip, "Okay...but you've got some serious shit on your hands,"

You knit your brow, confused, "What 'serious shit' is on my hands? I just said I was fi—"

"You're leaving here in a week, right?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You're going to end up sleeping in my bed, crying every night," she said, completely serious.

"A couple days, maybe," you giggled, trying to make a joke and lighten the serious mood.

Kelstra didn't laugh, "You touched him a lot. He touched you a lot. Literally just when you were sitting here. You were just... _touching_ each other,"

"I think we're just touchy people—"

Kelstra spoke again, "Don't get attached,"

"I'm not," you lied.

She pressed her lips together, thinking, "Okay, well...I'm going to go,"

You stood and walked to the door, Kelstra following you, "I'll see you in a week,"

She looked around for Kylo and muttered, "He better not come back with you,"

"He won't,"

You wished he would.

"I love you, you absolute psychopath," Kelstra said, pulling you into a hug.

"You're the psycho. I think you scared him,"

She pulled out of the hug and smiled, "Good,"

You opened the door and motioned for her to leave, "Bye, K,"

"Bye weirdo. Can't wait to hear how he tortured you," she half-teased, waving goodbye.

You rolled your eyes and shut the door, the realization that all of that happened for real, now hitting you. You took a deep breath and stepped into Kylo's library, where he was sitting at his desk, looking at his computer.

Kylo didn't look up at you as he commented, "Your friend seems nice,"

"Ha," you nervously laughed, then your face fell, "Kylo, I'm really sorry,"

He finally glanced up at you, "It's fine. I understand,"

"No, like—" you stepped further into the room, now near his desk, "I'm sorry about some of the things she said. She doesn't know you and sometimes she just talks a lot of shit but she's really cool and she was just being protective—"

"It's fine," he repeated.

"Okay,"

Kylo sat back in his chair, "I have a lot to do tonight for work,"

"Oh," you frowned and leaned on his desk, "Okay. Can I read in here with you?"

"I'll be on the phone,"

"I can be quiet," you shrugged.

"You're distracting,"

You picked his hand up and held it in yours, "Maybe you could use a distraction every once in a while,"

Kylo took his hand away, "Not tonight,"

"Oh, um...but we haven't eaten and it's nearly time for dinner. I can order whatever you want,"

"I'll eat later. You pick something,"

You frowned again, "You're going to make me eat by myself? Kylo, can we eat together? I love eating dinner with you,"

"I'll eat later,"

You asked the dreaded question, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he said shortly.

"Can you just look at me for one second?" you nudged his shoulder.

"What?"

You gave your best sparkly eyes at him, "Can I sit on your lap? Just for a moment, then I'll go,"

He didn't want to say yes, but he did. You sat on Kylo's lap and put your arms around his neck.

"Will you smile at me?" you asked, knowing how annoying you sounded.

Kylo squinted at you, "Why?"

"Pleaseeee? Please, Kylo? Just a little smile?"

Your pouty face made him smile a bit.

You moved your pointer finger over the little crinkles on the sides of one of his eyes, "There they are," you said softly, "I love seeing these when you smile. I don't get to that often,"

"No one does,"

"I'm glad _I_ get to, though," you smiled, kissing the little wrinkles near his temple, "Okay well, I'm sorry you have to work and I'm sorry Kelstra came over. I'm really embarrassed. I'll order something for dinner and leave it in the kitchen for you. Am I going to bed by myself?"

"Probably,"

"Okay," you said, disappointed, and got up, "I'll...I'll see you later,"

Kylo nodded and looked at his computer again as you started to leave. It didn't really look like he was actually reading anything, just staring blankly.

A few hours went by of eating takeout that you ordered, reading, showering, watching TV, then getting into bed. You wondered what exactly Kelstra said to make Kylo act like this or what was going through his head. It was like you were pulling teeth just to get him to look at you or talk to you.

You didn't know how long you tossed and turned before Kylo came in the room, removing his clothes, brushing his teeth, then getting in bed, too. He had his shirt off, which was a good sign, but he wasn't next to you, holding you, which was _not_ a good sign.

You nudged him, "Um, hey,"

"Why are you awake?" he asked, a little annoyed.

"What's wrong? I know something is up," you scooted over to him and sat up, leaning on one of your elbows.

It almost felt like Kylo was about to tell you, until he didn't.

"Nothing is wrong," he replied.

"Did you eat?"

"No,"

You pushed his hair behind his ear, "Kylo, you should eat something,"

"You should leave me alone,"

You sat up fully now, blinking, wondering if he really just said that.

He did.

You pushed the blanket off of you and got out of bed, leaving the room. You weren't about to sleep next to someone who didn't want to communicate with you and who wanted you to leave them alone.

You walked across the apartment to your old room, where you got under the covers and made it your bed again. Kelstra was right. You couldn't get attached. Not when the man you loved was such a little shit sometimes.

You fell asleep alone, in a room that wasn't really yours, angry at Kylo.


	18. on his tenth birthday.

You were being nudged and spoken to, waking you up.

"Get up, little angel,"

"What?" your voice was raspy and you kept your eyes closed, "No, I'm sleeping,"

Kylo pulled you off of the bed a little, "Come sleep in our room,"

You were finally awake, eyes open, blinking in the dark room, "Wait, no. Kylo, you were mean to me," you rolled over, not facing him anymore, "Go away,"

The bed dipped behind you and Kylo got under the blanket with you.

"Oh my God, Kylo can you pick a fucking mood?" you groaned, kicking him when he tried to hold you, "Go away,"

"I'm sorry,"

You took a deep breath, then sat up and eyed him. His face was barely visible and you knew yours was too, so you gave him a nasty look, "You know, you sure are sorry a lot for someone who keeps doing the same thing. Have you noticed that? Have you noticed how mean you can be and then give me these little 'sorry's like they mean something?"

Kylo sat up too and tried to hold your face, but you hit him away again. He dropped his hands and spoke, "But I am, little angel,"

You stuck your finger in his face, "Don't 'little angel' me. I know I'm only here for a few more days and then you can just forget me and fuck whoever you want after, but you're not going to treat me like that again while I'm here,"

"Because honestly?" you kept going, even though you probably shouldn't have, "Honestly, I'd rather stay in here if you're going to be cold to me. I'd rather stay in this room, have you come in and fuck me like what I thought this whole thing was going to be like, then have you leave and go to your own room,"

"It hurts too much to hear you call me 'little angel' and 'baby' and cuddle up to me, and then just ignore me or tell me to leave you alone and you not explain anything to me about what made you upset. Do you understand?" you finally finished, your heart beating like crazy from spewing all of that.

Kylo only replied with a soft, "I won't forget you,"

"What? Did you hear anything I j—"

"You said I'd forget you," he stopped you to clarify, "I won't forget you,"

Oh man, you wanted to cry. You wanted to cry so bad. He was making you so angry and so sad all at once.

Instead, you blinked for a second, then chose to keep giving him a deserved hard time, "Okay, that's nice and all but do you understand that you can't do that to me anymore? Get distant and not tell me why? That's all I ask, Kylo. It won't kill you to communicate for six more days,"

"Okay," he nodded.

You crossed your arms, "Okay, so tell me what happened earlier,"

He sighed, clearly not wanting to tell you.

"If you're not going to tell me, then you can leave and try again tomorrow," you said. You were pretty sure this was the first time you'd been this serious with him.

"Can I turn a lamp on? To see you?" Kylo asked.

"If you're going to explain yourself, yes. If not, no,"

As Kylo got up to turn on a nearby lamp, you felt like the bad guy. It wasn't fair that he was soft and shy now while you were angry. It made you want to tell him that you forgave him and go to his room and sleep in there...but you had to remember that what he did wasn't cool with you.

When the light turned on, you squinted for a second, getting used to the brightness. Kylo sat back down on the bed and faced you. You got out from under the covers and leaned back on the headboard, ready to hear whatever bullshit he had to say.

"Can I come closer to you?" Kylo requested. He wasn't even that far away. If he wanted to reach out and touch you, he could. You guessed he just wanted to be even closer.

You pursed your lips, "Will it help you tell me?"

"Yes,"

"Fine,"

Kylo sat next to you, leaning on the headboard, too, "Will you straddle me?"

You scoffed, "Come on, Kylo. Fuck off,"

"I want to be closer,"

You thought for a moment. If straddling him was what was going to help him talk to you...then you should, right?

"You're not going to try anything? Because I'll kick you out if you do. I'm not joking," you hissed.

Kylo grabbed you and pulled you over him, so you were now straddling him on the bed, "Not going to try anything. Promise," he nudged his nose on yours and you _almost_ smiled.

"Okay, go ahead then," your hands automatically rested at his shoulders, while his were up your shirt and on your waist. You let him keep them there.

It took him a couple seconds to start, finding his words.

"Your friend said that you were um—you were 'saving yourself' for someone...special," Kylo physically cringed as he said that.

"And I remember you saying that to me when you got here," he didn't look at you and his sentences were coming out one by one, as if he were picking exactly the right thing to say, "Because I asked you why you were here in the first place. Do you remember?"

You remembered every single moment with Kylo.

"Yes,"

He swallowed and went on, "When your friend said that earlier, do you remember what _you_ said?"

You nodded slowly, "I told her that I did...save it for someone special, I mean,"

"You said that _I_ was special, yes?" Kylo asked, his hands at your waist nervously held you tighter.

You gave him a small smile, "Yes. Because you are,"

"But I'm not supposed to be," Kylo stated and shook his head, "And you're not supposed to be to me,"

It felt like Kylo was reminding you what this was.

"Okay," you chewed on the inside of your cheek while your stomach sank in sadness, "And that's what made you uncomfortable? Because I said that you were—um that you were special or something?"

"Or something," his eyes met yours again and it looked like he was going to say more, but instead he shut down whatever new conversation that was going to lead to, "Okay. I've told you. Can we go to bed?"

Your lips parted because you were slightly shocked, "That's it? I think we should talk more about this, Kylo. I want to know what 'or something' means a-and I just want to know more,"

He shook his head and took your chin between his fingers, bringing you down to his lips, "No, little angel. I told you what you wanted me to tell you," he kissed you softly, "Can we go to bed?"

"But...I want to _talk_ more, Kylo," your cheeks started to heat because you were getting emotional. All you wanted was for him to tell you that maybe he loved you back and he wanted you to stay. Was that too much to ask? For him to just admit it if that's how he felt?

Kylo shook his head again, "No. Let's go to bed,"

"Why can't we talk more about this?"

"Because then things would change, little angel,"

You were staring down at his chest until he said that. Your eyes flicked up at his and you instantly replied, "What would change?"

"Things between us would change,"

"Oh," you looked down again, "And that would be bad?"

Kylo didn't say anything for a moment. He was just playing with the end of your shirt.

"I've told you what you wanted," he peeked up at you, "Can we leave the room now?"

Kylo was right. As much as you wanted him to tell you how he felt, you agreed on what this was. He also didn't really owe you anything more than what you already asked for. He told you why he was cold to you. He didn't need to tell you more, even though you wanted him to...even though you felt like you were nearly getting to something else important to discuss.

You gave him a polite smile, "Yes, sorry. Let's go to bed,"

When you and Kylo were passing by the kitchen, he grabbed at your waist and led you to the fridge, "I'm hungry. Get a snack with me,"

You were now standing at the fridge, Kylo behind you, inspecting what you could eat. You weren't really that hungry, but Kylo was, so you figured you'd snack with him because he asked. Well, he didn't ask. He just _told_ you to because he was bossy as fuck.

"We could finish off the strawberries," you shrugged, noticing there weren't many left in the container.

Kylo reached over you and grabbed the carton, "Okay,"

You shut the fridge and sat up on the kitchen island with Kylo, eating the strawberries. You were both sitting crisscross, facing each other, and it weirdly felt like you were children sneaking into the kitchen late at night. Speaking of late at night, when you peeked at the clock on the microwave, your jaw dropped when it read _03:34_.

"Kylo, you have work tomorrow! Have you gone to sleep at all?" you asked, practically yelling from shock at how late it was. You had no clue.

He was totally casual and smirked at you, "No, I haven't slept. I'll be fine,"

"Oh my God," you took a bite of a strawberry and kept talking, "You just stayed up until you came in my room?"

He ate the last strawberry, "Mhm. I stayed up until I came in that room,"

"Oh,"

Kylo got down and held out his hand, helping you off of the counter as he added, "I couldn't sleep because I was thinking about how I wanted you back in our bed, little angel,"

You didn't mean to, but you were pretty sure you were giving Kylo sparkly, puppy eyes, "You couldn't sleep because you thought of me?"

"Mhm. Come on,"

Kylo put his hand on your lower back and walked you to his room, where you both got under the covers and instantly found each other's skin.

"You know," you peeked up at Kylo, "I don't take you as someone who's cuddly, but you actually are,"

He frowned, "No, I'm not,"

"Yeah, okay. Whatever," you rolled over, hoping he'd spoon you.

He did.

"I told you," you teased, playfully kicking him behind you.

Kylo kicked you back, "You're just warm,"

"Mhm,"

What happened earlier felt resolved, but not completely. Each day seemed like it had its own struggles you were constantly trying to fight off, yet there was an overarching issue that was at play. So on one hand, you were so happy to fall asleep next to him again, but on the other, you were also so sad that the two of you would never be able to say how you felt.

Unless Kylo wanted to change that someday.

** Day Twenty-Four. **

You and Kylo were brushing your teeth, looking at each other in the mirror with annoyed expressions. When you both spit and were done, he turned to you.

"Okay, now go back to bed," he said sternly, pointing out of the bathroom and into the bedroom.

You walked past him, to the closet, "No,"

"You got three hours of sleep," Kylo followed you, "Get the fuck back in bed,"

"No! I like to spend mornings with you. Get over it," you said over your shoulder as you picked out what to wear. Another day, another one of Kylo's shirts and your skirts.

Kylo was picking out his own work clothes on the other side of the closet as he commented, "You're being awfully difficult today,"

"Well...you—you too!" you spit out awkwardly.

You could tell Kylo was rolling his eyes as he said, "You're really terrible at comebacks,"

"All this because I wanted to get up at the same time as you? Lucky me," you muttered.

Kylo mumbled, "Hot head,"

"Psycho,"

" _Angel_ ,"

He was allowed to call you 'little angel', but never 'Angel', referencing the name Hux and his weird club gave you.

You looked at Kylo with a glare, "Ugh, low blow. Even for _you_ ,"

"Ouch,"

A moment passed of silence as the two of you got dressed.

"What do you want for breakfast?" you asked, pretending like you didn't insult each other back and forth just then.

Kylo was buttoning up his dress shirt, "I'll make my own breakfast. You need to change out of those clothes and put on those cute, little shorts of yours and go back to sleep,"

You cocked your head and smiled, "You think my shorts are cute?"

"On you, yes," Kylo started to put on a tie, glancing at you in his closet mirror, "In general, I have no opinions on shorts,"

"Really? You seem like you love fashion," you said sarcastically, pointing at all of the black clothing in his closet, "Anyway, what do you want for breakfast? I'm serious,"

"I'll make my own. If you're insisting on staying awake, I'll make you something, too,"

You stepped in front him, making him look at you face to face, "Really?"

It seemed like he wanted to smile, a little one forming at the corner of his mouth, but he went serious again and looked over your head in the mirror, "Yes, I'll make something,"

"Okay...I can do coffee, then,"

"Okay,"

Breakfast food was easy to cook, so Kylo did a fine job of making it. He didn't talk much as the two of you ate and you could tell he was tired from getting barely any sleep. You felt bad that he had to go to work and that you were _definitely_ going back to bed as soon as he left through the door.

As he started to leave, you grabbed his hand, "Wait. Um, kiss?"

You hoped your request wasn't weird...it's just that the two of you had been so affectionate lately that it almost felt natural to kiss him goodbye, kiss him when he came home, hold his hand when you just wanted something to hold, and have him touch you mindlessly.

Kylo leaned down and kissed you softly, before mumbling, "Say that thing again. That thing about missing me,"

You sighed happily and smiled, "I miss you when the door closes...or something like that,"

"Yes, that," he gave you a little peck again, "I'll see you later,"

"Bye,"

Soon enough, Kylo was out the door...and you felt sad again. Your time was quite literally running out and a lot of it was wasted when he went to work each day. Hours of time you could be kissing him, making him talk to you even though you thought he always hated that, watching a dumb kid's show with him, going to a bookstore or the Target you were banned from was all wasted when he had to be gone. You only had six days left and he'd be gone for most of them.

After going back to bed for two more hours, you started your day the same as usual ever since you'd gotten here nearly a month ago. Lunch, books, TV, drawing, staring out the windows, thinking about how you hoped Kylo would come home like he did yesterday and just want to kiss you everywhere.

That's how you spent most of your last Tuesday here.

By the time 5:30PM rolled around, you were in Kylo's library reading a new book of his when the front door slamming startled you. You stood from the ground and took the pillow that was under your head, tucking it in your arms, hugging it, as you stepped out of the library and into the living area. Kylo was leaning on his elbows on the kitchen island, his head in his hands.

"Hi," you said softly, walking towards him, "What's wrong?"

Kylo looked over at you, doing a double-take at the pillow in your arms. His exhausted eyes softened as he asked, "Have you been in my library?"

You knew he liked that you read his books and practically lived in his little library.

"I was reading for a while, yeah," you said, setting the pillow on the counter. You patted the underside of Kylo's arms and he lifted his elbows up, confused at what you were doing. You slid the pillow closer to him on the counter and patted his arms again so that when he put them back down, he'd rest them on something soft, not the hard granite.

"What's wrong, Kylo?"

"Work," he started to take off his tie, "It was really bad today,"

"Oh," you instinctively started to rub your hand up and down his back, "I'm sorry,"

Kylo stood up straight and walked to get a glass of water, "It's fine. Tell me what you were reading,"

"You don't want to talk about what happened? At work?" you went to get a glass of water for yourself, too. Mostly just to be near him.

"No," he filled your glass, then his, "What book are you reading, little angel?"

"Oh, just one I found about space and stuff. I don't really think I like it all that much. Too much action and adventure, but I read it for a while today," you shrugged, "Didn't know you were into those kinds of books,"

Kylo was drinking his water as you spoke but seemed to halt as he listened to you.

"I mean, no judgment," you continued, "I have a few books at home like that, too. Did you get that at a store or something? Like vintage? It was really nice but seemed old. I want old books like that—"

He was staring at you, so you thought you were talking too much and quickly stopped.

"Top shelf?" Kylo asked randomly.

"Uh, yeah...I found it up there. I don't remember what the book is called but it had some kid's name written inside. I can go get it if you want," you started to walk out of the kitchen.

"No,"

You turned around and stepped over to Kylo, "Oh, you know which one I'm talking about? I think someone's dad got it for them...but I can't remember the name at the front. It was a nice name, I remember thinking that," you thought for a moment, trying to remember the name, "You know what? I'll go get it. I can show you,"

Kylo didn't try to stop you this time. In fact, he was completely silent. Completely still. Completely blank.

You got the book from the library and came back in to show him the cover, "See? Look how nice it is. Where'd you get it? I really want to start collecting like you do. I'm assuming a nice store? But I guess 'cause this person's name is in it, it's like a re-sell or whatever," you leaned on the counter next to him, standing side by side, and opened to the first page, "See, here's the name,"

TO: _Ben on his tenth birthday_

FROM: _Dad_

"Ohhh, _Ben_ was the name," you closed the book and looked up at Kylo, "Anyway, did you like this one? Should I keep going or find a new one?"

Kylo's chest was rising and falling slowly and deeply. He looked like he was thinking.

"Open it again," he said, staring at the book in your hands.

"Okay," you opened it to the first page, "Uh, is there one you had in mind? Like a page?"

Kylo put his arm around your waist, "Will you read who it's to? And from?"

"Sure," you shrugged, " _To Ben on his tenth birthday'—_ Aw— _'From, Dad_ '. Oh my, I wonder where they are and why you have this book now. Wouldn't it be so cute to find them? I wonder how old he is now. Oh wow, if that happened, it'd literally be all over every news station as a feel-good story or some shit like that," you laughed, looking at the writing on the page.

Kylo didn't say anything regarding whatever you were rambling about. He just requested softly, "Will you read it again?"

You looked up at him, a little confused, but his eyes were on the book still. It was weird, him wanting you to read it out loud, but whatever.

"Uh, okay," you read it again, " _To Ben on his tenth birthday, from Dad_ ,"

Kylo gently ran his finger over ' _Ben'_ as you held the book in front of the both of you, and said after a moment, "I liked this book when I was younger...I'm not so sure you would enjoy it, though. It's a bit sci-fi-ish,"

You leaned your side into him a little, "Oh, then I won't read it. When did you get the book?"

"A while ago,"

You noticed he was still tracing his fingertip over the name, so you playfully asked, "Are you trying to figure out who Ben is?" you giggled, "I told you it might be fun to try and find this kid,"

Kylo huffed a small laugh, then his face became serious and concentrated again, "You said you liked this name? Earlier, I mean. Isn't that what you said?"

"Yeah, it's a nice name... _Ben_ ," you shut the book, "Well, I'll put this back. Maybe we can investigate another time,"

"Maybe. Um, will you put it on my desk? I'd like to re-read it soon," he requested.

You were walking to the library to put the book back and replied, "Sure thing,"

When you were done putting it on his desk and ventured back into the main area of the apartment, you saw Kylo laying down on the couch, eyes shut, arms resting back behind his head. He must have heard you walk in, because Kylo mumbled, "Come here, little angel," with his eyes still closed.

You stepped over to the couch and awkwardly stood there, not knowing if he wanted you to join him or crawl on him or something, "Uh, hi. Are you gonna nap?"

Suddenly, a knock at the door claimed your attention.

Kylo instantly opened his eyes and looked at you. You put your hands up, "Look, if that's Kelstra, I'm telling her to go away...but I doubt she'd come back,"

Kylo sighed and got up from the couch, walking to the door. You followed him and peeked out from behind his big body to see the person on the other side of the door, praying it wasn't Kelstra.

Instead, it was a little old man with huge glasses. You tried not to smile and blush at how cute and small he was. You pushed yourself in front of Kylo and greeted the man, sticking out your hand, "Hi. What can we do for you?"

Kylo didn't say anything to the man like you did, he just played with your hair as you shook the old man's hand.

"Hello, darling. Hello, sir," the man had a faint Russian accent as he spoke, "I'm Michail Popov...is this the Ren residence?"

"It is," Kylo put his hand on your shoulder, "Why?"

The old man looked down the hall and motioned for someone to come over, so Kylo quickly pushed you behind him again and stuck his head out of the door to see what was going on.

"Oh, goody," the old man smiled, "I have the painting like we discussed. You said now would be a good time for delivery?"

Kylo seemed to forget all about when he bought the painting that you helped him pick out a few days ago, and that he'd corresponded with the artist about a drop-off time. You pushed yourself back in front of Kylo and kind of shoved him out of the way a little, "Oh, my. I'm so excited. Yes, now is perfect! It's so lovely to meet you," you looked down the hall to see two other men carrying the large painting.

"Kylo, hold open the door, please," you took Michail's hand, "Come inside! I have to show you where he wants it and you have to tell me if the lighting and space are ideal. If not, we can think of another place to put it,"

You showed Michail the big wall in the dining room where Kylo originally said he wanted the painting. As the men brought it in and stood it up at the wall, Michail agreed that it'd look nice there. Kylo stood next to you, not knowing what was really going on. He leaned down and whispered, "It's just a painting. It would look nice anywhere, right?"

The men started to install it onto the wall as Michail instructed them on just the right positioning, so you whispered back to Kylo, "No, silly. I thought you would know how particular artists and their pieces are,"

"It's just a picture,"

You took his hand and leaned into him as you watched the painting go up, "Well, whatever. Do you like it? It's pretty in person. I like the blue,"

"Me too,"

You glanced up at him, "I think it'd look nicer if your walls were...white,"

Kylo clearly wasn't ready to give up his dark walls as he huffed, "No,"

"One day?" you asked with a little smile on your face.

His eyes went back to the painting and he replied softly, "Maybe,"

Baby steps.

"Are you married?" Michail asked randomly, pushing up the big glasses on his face, "You two? I like to know about who I sell to,"

You felt your cheeks get hot and hid your hands behind your back, hiding your left hand just in case Kylo wanted to tell him the two of you were married like he did one time before.

"No, we aren't," Kylo told him.

You felt a little stupid for being disappointed that Kylo wasn't going to lie to this man...but you guessed you just wanted to play that dumb game again, pretending like you were married. You thought it could be a good thing, though. After all, you were leaving in a few days and needed to snap out of it. Kylo saying you were married would probably push you further into the hole he sucked you in.

"Soon, though," Kylo added, looking down at you and winking, "We're engaged,"

You blinked and cleared your throat, "Mhm, yeah," you nodded at Michail.

"Wonderful!" he cheered, and looked so cute doing it, "How wonderful! This painting will stay in here a long time then? With the two of you?"

More like six days but whatever.

"Mhm," Kylo hummed, his head dipping to your cheek to kiss you there.

You knew this was all pretend and just for fun, lying to this poor old man, but it fucking sucked to not be able to have it be true. Maybe it was true in another life, like a parallel universe or something, but not this one.

And that fucking sucked.

After it was all done and put up, Michail and the men were leaving.

"Oh, thank you so much!" you grinned, "It's so beautiful. Isn't it nice, Kylo?"

Kylo shook Michail's hand and it looked teensy compared to Kylo's, "Yes. Lovely. Thank you," he nodded, then slipped the younger men who set the painting up some cash for their help. It was like Kylo pulled that shit out of thin air.

When you waved goodbye and shut the door, you walked back to the dining room with Kylo and looked at the painting for a minute. He stood behind you, hands around your waist, then started to kiss your neck slowly.

"Do you like the painting Kylo? Now that it's here?" you asked, holding his head at your neck.

Kylo moved a little more of your hair and nudged his nose on your jaw, "I love it,"

"Oh, good," your heart started to beat fast, feeling his breath on you and his hands knead at your waist. As Kylo kissed your neck, he'd lightly press his tongue on you, along with his lips, and it made you want to scream in the best way possible.

"Can I touch you, little angel?" Kylo put one of his hands at the end of your skirt, ready to pull it up, "I want to touch you while we look at our painting,"

His voice was low, probably a mixture of sleepiness and this arousal he'd gotten for you so suddenly.

It was so hard to say no to Kylo Ren.

Your eyes flicked down at Kylo's veiny hand, holding your skirt, "Y-You want to touch me and look at the painting?"

"Yes," his other hand was still kneading into your waist, his lips at your neck as he spoke, "You did such a good job picking it out, little angel. Let me touch you and say thank you,"

"You don't want to nap?" you asked, closing your eyes and tilting your head so Kylo could kiss you more, "Aren't you tired?"

Kylo picked his head up and whispered in your ear, "Not anymore,"

"Oh my God, okay yes. Touch me," you grabbed his hand and led it up and into your skirt, helping him touch you. He chuckled a little at how reactive that made you and put his head back at your neck.

You guided Kylo's hand under the waistband of your panties and kept your hand on top of his as he started to run his hand over your pussy, not really touching you there yet.

"Are you looking at the painting?" he asked, his hot breath on your neck sending tingles through your body.

"Y-Yes,"

"Do you see what you do to me?" he asked against your neck, "You make me want to buy paintings for us,"

"Mm," was all you could get out.

"You make me like the color blue,"

He was still just running his fingers through your folds, lightly touching your clit and never pushing his fingers inside of you. Kylo liked to see you squirm and that's exactly what you were doing.

"You make me want babies, little love,"

You audibly moaned at that (oops), the picture of Kylo Ren fucking you raw, no birth control, so you could give him little babies. It's not like you were this type of person with baby fever, after all, you were too young and not confident in yourself to actually have kids right now, but _fuck_. The idea of it all, the words leaving his lips, the fact that _you_ made _Kylo_ want that.

It made you fucking crazy.

Kylo finally paid attention to your clit and started rubbing it, making your knees bend and more little sounds come out of your mouth.

"Do you touch yourself when I'm not home?" Kylo grabbed your hair and pulled it, making you look over at him.

"N-No. I like to have you touch me," you replied, finding it hard to keep your eyes open. All you wanted to do was squeeze them shut and feel him touch you, erasing your other senses.

Kylo kissed your cheek and kept his mouth pressed to your face as he mumbled, "Such a good, little angel,"

"You're so much better than me, Kylo," you nodded.

"Would you like me to help you?"

"Hm?"

Kylo moved your hand under his and you realized he wanted to show you how to touch yourself like he did.

"Oh, I like when you do it. Maybe it's best I don't learn, don't you think?" you asked, your voice breathy, really just wanting him to do it right now so you could come quickly like he was so good at.

"I want you to learn how I do it," he breathed, "When you're gone, the only person you'll fuck who can make you feel as good as I did, will be you when you fuck yourself at night thinking of me,"

You were working at your clit now as Kylo pressed two thick fingers over your pussy, ready to push them inside.

"I don't want to do this with anyone else," you whispered, your eyes shutting.

"Just me, sweet girl?"

"Just you," you let out a little whimper of pleasure between what you were saying, "B-But when I _do_ fuck someone else, I'll think of you,"

His fingers went back up to yours and pressed down, making you rub harder circles into your clit, "You'll think of how good I made you feel, isn't that right?"

"Yes,"

"And how no one else can make you feel like this," he added, rocking his hips into you from behind, getting off, too.

"No one else can, Kylo—Oh my God," you whined.

With that, Kylo took your hand and pulled it out of your panties with his, pushing you to the dining table and spinning you around, then picking you up and setting you on it like he owned you and could toss you and put you wherever he liked.

You guessed he technically _did_ own you.

"There won't be anyone else, little angel. Now, take off your pretty panties," Kylo demanded, unzipping his slacks, "I'm going to fuck you on this table,"

You didn't have to think twice about pulling off your underwear and letting them fall to the floor. You scooted to the edge of the table and pushed up your skirt as Kylo forced himself between your legs, his cock now out and clearly aching to be inside of you.

Holding yourself steady, palms behind you on the table surface, you took in a sharp breath as you and Kylo both looked down while he took his cock in his hand, pressing the tip at your pussy. He pressed his other hand on your lower stomach, then glanced at you, his brow knitting at how badly he wanted to fuck you.

Kylo gave you a small nod and you gave one back, giving him permission. His hand pressed harder onto your stomach as he entered you, feeling himself inside of you. Kylo whispered a small 'fuck' as you started whine again from how good this all felt.

"I wish I thought to get my phone so we can record all of those pretty sounds you make," he gave you a small smirk, then raised his eyebrows in pleasure as he started to find a motion, thrusting into you.

"I want to try that tomorrow. Can we?" you said, but it came out in a moan.

Kylo started to kiss your lips lazily as he fucked you, "You want to hear yourself, little angel?"

"Yes," you breathed.

"You want to hear how pretty you sound?" he asked, pushing into you faster.

You brought your hand down to your clit, starting to rub it so you could come soon, "Mhm,"

"My bad girl," Kylo smiled against your lips, then swatted your hand away from your pussy so he could do it himself.

After only a minute of him helping you, you felt the feeling in your lower stomach grow stronger until it took over, sending you into your orgasm. You held on tight to Kylo, hugging him, as you clenched around his cock, crying out while he kept fucking you.

"Did that feel good, baby?" he asked in a strained voice against your ear, "Did I make you feel good?"

You were still coming down from your orgasm, eyes glazed and body hot, "You always make me feel so good, Kylo. I love how you make me feel in so many ways," he groaned softly, hearing you say that, and you faced him again, "Do you love how I make _you_ feel, Kylo?"

His eyes fluttered a little and another deep exhale left through his parted lips, "Yes, I love it," Kylo's thrusts became slower but harder, and he leaned forward to kiss you. His soft, full lips felt so safe and like home. Sometimes, you felt like you never met Kylo. It was like you'd just always been here. Always known him. Always loved him like this.

"Say that name—" Kylo grabbed your jaw, "—the name from the book,"

"What?" you knit your brow in confusion.

He kissed you again, "The name,"

"B-Ben? That one?" you asked with wide eyes, holding onto the back of his neck.

Kylo's hand left your face and went to your lower back, keeping you in place as he kept fucking you, "Yes, that one. Say it again,"

He pressed his forehead on yours as you awkwardly mumbled, "...Ben,"

Kylo bit his lip, trying not to moan, and laid you back on the table, his body on yours, still fucking you, "Again, little love,"

He had your wrists pinned down in his grip for a moment until he let go and moved his fingertips to the palm of your hand, slowly pressing them up until he laced his fingers in yours, interlocking them.

"Ben," you said softly, still not really knowing why he was telling you to do this and why it was getting him off like this.

Kylo buried his head into your neck, his hands holding yours tighter, and grunted, "Again,"

You really just wanted him to come, so you picked your head up to put your lips on his soft, black hair, kissing it lightly, and whispered, "Ben,"

With that, Kylo came fast and seemingly hard, his moans of pleasure vibrating against your neck as you felt his warm cum build inside of you. He kissed your neck, then picked his head up, kissing your jaw, cheeks, forehead, and nose. Kylo liked to do that after sex, you noticed.

You didn't know how long the two of you stayed on the table like that, you laying down and Kylo leaning over you as the painting above was your background, but you knew he stayed on you until he was soft.

Kylo was quiet and looked extra groggy after the two of you finally cleaned up. At dinner, you were too afraid to ask about why he made you say that name, so you kept your mouth shut, only making casual conversation with him. He did the same.

The two of you went to bed early because Kylo was so tired and you insisted he get extra shut eye, hoping he'd have a better day at work tomorrow. As you laid in bed with him, listening to his heavy breaths from sleeping, you thought about earlier. While the name thing was pretty weird, you thought about the nice things he said and the way he laced his fingers with yours, something you couldn't remember that he'd done before.

Things were different today and it only made you more sad that you'd leave soon. You'd gotten so far with him, only to be ripped away. Only to not have him ask you to stay here with him. Only to walk away from this little life you'd created for the past month.

By the time you'd wake tomorrow, there'd only be five days left and you wanted to cry.


	19. what else?

** Day Twenty-Five. **

You were in the kitchen with Kylo before he left for work, sipping coffee and leaning on the counter. He wasn't very talkative this morning, although he wasn't really ever, but you thought maybe he was still shy or embarrassed about yesterday's little...name thing...when he asked you to call him 'Ben'.

It really wasn't a big deal. Sure, a little strange, but not completely weird enough for him to be this quiet. In hopes of helping possibly relax him, you tried to be funny.

You stepped in front of Kylo and took his nearly empty coffee cup in your hands, putting it on the granite beside him. Then, you stood on your tiptoes and kissed Kylo's cheek, giving him a wink as you said, "I hope you have a good day at work, _Ben_ ,"

Kylo turned white and his shoulders tensed, "What?"

Fuck.

"Oh, well I was just uhm—that was weird. I was just—it's just because you asked me to call you that last night and I thought maybe you were...I don't know," you stepped away from him and felt your cheeks heat, "Sorry,"

Kylo looked over at the painting in the dining room for a few seconds, averting his eyes from yours, as you stood on the other side of the kitchen now, uncomfortable with the energy you'd just put in the air. Kylo's brow was furrowed, as if he were thinking while he looked at the painting.

He wasn't saying anything and oh, God you were dumb.

Totally dumb.

You decided to excuse yourself at this point, "Okay, well uh, I'll just go read. Er, sorry again. That was just—" you cut yourself off mid-sentence, knowing you were rambling, "I'll just go,"

Kylo didn't look at you or say anything as you nearly bolted to his library to hide away with a book. Maybe you should just keep the shit that's said during sex in that moment, not bring it out afterward.

After a few minutes of reading, although you couldn't really concentrate on the book all that much, you heard footsteps in the hall and knew that meant Kylo was leaving for work. The front door never opened though, so you peeked your head over your book to see Kylo at the library door, leaning on the door frame, staring at you.

"Hi," you put down your book and stood, "Again, I'm sorry. I just...I dunno that was so cringey,"

Kylo shook his head, then motioned at you with two fingers, "Don't apologize. Come here,"

Your stomach did front flips as you slowly walked over to Kylo, hands twisting behind your back. You were finally in front of Kylo and looked up at him through your lashes, "Yes?"

"Were you trying to tease me by calling me that name a few minutes ago?" he asked.

The question made it seem like he was mad, but you could tell he wasn't from the way he took your hair between his fingers and played with it while asking.

"Uhm, a little. You were kind of quiet, so I thought I'd lighten the mood, I guess. I thought you were embarrassed about it...but I don't kink shame or anything," you explained.

Kylo huffed a small laugh and his hand left your hair, "Kink shame?"

You tried to further explain, "Or role-play shame if that's what we were doing...You just seemed weird last night and this morning and I thought it had to do with th—"

"Role-play?"

You looked around, confused, "Well, is—is that not what you were doing? Because Ben isn't your name and I just thought that maybe that's why you asked me to call you that...to role-play or something, I don't know,"

Kylo started to play with your hair again and smiled, "Sure. I was role-playing,"

You rolled your eyes, "That's all you had to say, and you don't have to be embarrassed about it,"

Kylo was still smiling a teensy smile at you and you felt like you were missing something.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing," he answered, but the smirk still on his face told you differently.

You didn't pry anymore, and he eventually said goodbye, kissing you as he left, leaving you to do whatever you wanted yet again as he went off to work.

Mornings with Kylo always seemed to be interesting.

\--

You were eating lunch in the kitchen around 1PM with a sandwich in one hand and a pencil in the other, just sketching random stuff, when you peeked up at the painting over in the dining room. It took up nearly the whole wall and was so big, so blue, so pretty. You also glanced at the table for a moment, making a note in your head to clean it after what happened on it last night.

Then, your mind ran to the name 'Ben' again and why on Earth Kylo wanted you to call him that. You weren't one to be opposed to role-playing, but it was weird that he never explained it or chose the name from that book.

Whatever.

Suddenly, you heard the sound of keys at the front door. Because it was only lunchtime, you knew Kylo wouldn't be home. He couldn't. He was at work.

So who the fuck was at the door?

You shot up from the stool, dropping your pencil and sandwich, and ran to the set of knives on his counter, grabbing one, and holding it in front of you like a dramatic ass baby. You slowly walked over to the front door, knife outstretched, as if you were holding a gun, and waited for the door to open.

"Hey, I have a knife!! Okay?!" you called out, "A-And my husband will be here any second, so you should go!"

Okay, Kylo wasn't your husband and definitely wasn't going to be here anytime soon, but you'd seen people do that in movies and TV, so you thought you'd give it a try.

"Husband?" Kylo asked, peeking his head through the door, looking at you, "Jesus Christ, put the knife down,"

Your jaw dropped a little, surprised at him being home and embarrassed that you called him your husband. You immediately went to the kitchen to put the knife back as Kylo walked inside, smirking at you.

When he came into the kitchen, you put your hands over your eyes, still humiliated, "Uh, sorry...I thought it was a robber or something. I don't know," you groaned and looked at him through a little slit you made between your fingers, "Ugh, I'm embarrassed,"

Kylo casually walked to the spot you were sitting in, picking up your sandwich and eating it while looking at your doodles, "Don't be embarrassed, but don't grab a knife. I'll show you where I keep my gun later. Although, I don't think you'll really need to use it,"

"You have a gun? Ew," you dropped your hands that covered your face and went over to Kylo, "Bite?"

His eyes were still on the paper as he chewed and moved the sandwich over to your mouth, where you took a bite.

"Thanks," you said with a full mouth.

Kylo swallowed and pointed at one of your drawings, "This one is cute,"

It was a terrible drawing of SpongeBob you tried to do from memory.

You slid the paper away from Kylo, "Yeah, okay. It's awful. What are you doing home anyway?"

He took another bite of the sandwich, then gave you the last of it, as he said casually, "Wanted to come home,"

"Um," you popped the last piece in your mouth and went on, "Okay...work was bad?"

"Mhm,"

"Well, what happened?" you asked curiously, sitting up on your stool again, "You just decided to come home early? It must have been really terrible today it sounds like,"

"You really want to know?" Kylo asked, moving to sit on the stool beside you.

You loved when he talked to you—like _actually_ opened up, even if it was just about something that happened at work.

"Yes!" you practically screamed, "Tell me, tell me,"

"Well..." a moment passed before Kylo spoke again, explaining, "This has been over the span of a few weeks, but I wouldn't sell to someone and Hux has been complaining about possible money lost. Then, I got into it with my boss. Nothing crazy,"

"Oh...like you wouldn't sell weapons?" you said 'weapons' in a hushed tone. You weren't exactly raised in an environment where you talked about war and stuff, so everything about what Kylo did was pretty taboo to you.

He didn't look at you as he answered, "Yes. I wouldn't sell weapons,"

"And you got into it with the boss you like, right? The one who has always kind of been there for you—isn't that what you told me once?" you asked, leaning closer to Kylo, wanting every detail he was giving you. You just _loved_ that he was sharing.

Kylo nodded, "Yes, him,"

"Well, why wouldn't you? Sell, I mean?"

Kylo bit his lip nervously before answering, "It didn't feel right,"

"Because—" you started, hoping you weren't overstepping, "Because what you do is wrong,"

Kylo nodded.

You decided to talk about his boss now, "Well, what'd your boss say? Was he mad about the same thing that Hux was?"

"Yes, and then some," Kylo's eyes met yours for a moment before traveling elsewhere, "He says I've been distracted...not like myself,"

You frowned, "Oh. Like you're not doing a good job at work?"

Kylo shrugged, "Part of it,"

"Well, damn," you put your elbow on the counter and put your cheek on the palm of your hand, leaning on it, "Do _you_ feel like you're not like yourself? That's kind of tough to sit with,"

Kylo glanced at you again, replying, "I feel like myself a lot more lately,"

"Lately?"

He got up from the stool, kissing the top of your head, and went to the fridge, probably looking for something to snack on, "Yes. Lately,"

"Well, if you feel like yourself, you should _do_ something that feels like yourself. You should quit the shitty job you have now," you shrugged, "You don't even _like_ it and honestly, Hux is annoying and it sounds like your boss doesn't really even know you like he says he does. Just quit. Remember when we talked about it a few days ago?"

Kylo stared into the fridge a moment, then shut the doors without grabbing any food, "I remember the conversation," he said, turning to you, "...and I did,"

You knit your brows, "You did what?"

"Quit," he said plainly, "I quit,"

It felt like your whole face shifted. Your eyebrows raised and your lips broke out into a big grin, "What?!"

The corner of Kylo's mouth quirked up into a slight smile, "Mhm,"

You hopped out of the stool and skipped to Kylo, jumping up and wrapping your arms around his neck, hugging him. For a split second, you felt bad that he technically had to hold you up because you jumped on him, but then you didn't care. You just wanted to hug him.

"Jesus Christ," he muttered, holding you up and making you wrap your legs around him, too, "It's just a job,"

You wiggled yourself upward so he could hold you better and kept hugging him as you whispered, "I'm so proud of you, Kylo," you faced him, "I think you'll be so much happier now that you can do whatever you want, don't you think?"

"Maybe,"

You suddenly got very excited again, "Wait, how did you do it? They just let you quit? Are you okay? Do you have something else lined up? Why'd you do it today? I wanna know everything!"

Kylo tried to hide a shy smile and you saw his cheeks get a little red, although it could've been from him holding you for this long, "I don't know which you want me to answer first, and honestly I don't remember half of what you just asked,"

"Oh, sorry," you giggled, "I'm just so proud of you! And happy for you!"

You instantly started to kiss him like crazy because you were so excited. Yes, he was no longer at a shitty job, but more importantly right now, that meant he could stay home with you the full five days you had left, leaving no time wasted.

He started to walk with you to the living room as you kissed him and held on tight.

"You're proud of me, hm?"

You instantly replied, "So proud," then kissed him harder.

"Do you want to...?" Kylo was about to lay you on the couch and probably crawl on top of you, wanting to have celebratory sex, you guessed.

"Mhm," you mumbled, "Your room, though,"

Kylo got the message and walked there instead, opening his eyes to see where he was going every couple seconds, until you were both in his room.

When he set you on the bed, you instantly got up.

"You lay down," you smiled sweetly, "Please?"

You wanted to make him feel good. You wanted to do all of the work. You wanted Kylo to know how proud you were of him. You figured he might object, but he didn't. Instead, Kylo took off his suit jacket that was still on, and kicked off his shoes, then got on the bed.

"You're bossing me around today, little angel?"

"Maybe," you said, a smile still on your face until you remembered something, "Oh shit! I'll be right back. You stay there and don't take off any clothes, okay?"

Kylo sat up on his elbows and laughed at you, "Okay,"

"Okay!" you said excitedly, then ran out of the room and to the other side of the apartment, to your old room. You went into the closet and dug into the suitcase, pulling out a pair of lingerie that was given to you by Brin and the girls.

You never really thought you'd wear them while you were here, especially considering that you really fucking hated Kylo the first few days, and then it never crossed your mind again. Kylo always seemed to like you just as you were, no lingerie needed.

But it was like 1:30PM and the day could honestly not get any more bizarre than it already was, so you stripped off the clothes you were wearing and put on the cute, baby blue, lace bra and panties. It was a bit theatrical for your taste, but then again, anything other than basic underwear seemed to be.

You looked in the mirror and did a little 'sexy' pose, just trying to look at your body in it. The bra was totally see through, literally just lace, and so were the panties. Somehow, you felt more naked than if you weren't wearing any clothes at all.

You hoped Kylo would think it looked nice on you.

Deciding this would do, you fast walked back to Kylo's room and poked your head in, "Hi,"

You noticed while you were gone that Kylo moved the blackout curtains over the windows, so it didn't really feel like the afternoon anymore.

"Come here," Kylo tilted his head, motioning for you to come over, as he sat on the bed, back against the headboard, "Come boss me around, little an—"

Kylo's voice trailed off as you slowly walked in, hands behind your back, a little nervous. You watched Kylo as he raked his eyes over your body, probably stunned you even had this to begin with. He moved to the side of the bed, letting his feet hit the floor, but stayed sitting on the edge. Kylo held out both of his hands, and when you reached him, he put his hands on your hips and made you stand with one of his legs between yours as he looked up at you.

Kylo noticed your nervous demeanor and whispered, "My shy, sweet girl,"

Swallowing thickly, you choked out, "Do you like it? I just never really thought about wearing them even though I have so many pairs now...sorry,"

He was now running his hands up and down your curves, eyes still on yours, "It's nice, but it's not very you, is it?"

Oh my, Kylo _knew_ you and it made your heart want to leap out of your chest.

You giggled, "No, I don't suppose it is...but it's cute,"

"It is," Kylo leaned forward and placed a kiss on your sternum, breathing in your skin, then trailed kisses around your stomach. It was a bit weird having someone kiss your stomach like this, but also so intimate. You pushed your hands through his hair while his were still traveling all around your body, feeling your ass, your back, your sides.

You had to control your breathing already. You were feeling so overwhelmed from this.

"Little angel," Kylo mumbled into your skin, hooking two fingers in your lacey bottoms, "Let me take these off of you,"

"Wait," you announced, making him look up at you, "Y-Your phone?" you held out your hand, "To record?"

Kylo gave you a smirk and dug his phone out of his pocket, handing it to you. You went to the camera app and put it on 'video', then moved the lamp over a bit, closer to the end of the nightstand, then leaned the phone against it. You angled it so you could see the bed perfectly, then decided it was good there. You were a bit nervous with the whole 'recording' thing, but you wanted to do whatever Kylo wanted, so you said 'fuck it' and clicked the red button.

"Will you get on the bed, Kylo?" you requested, shyly. You weren't usually the one telling him how to be in this situation.

Kylo pushed himself back on the bed, resting on the headboard again. You started to crawl on the bed, too, and straddled him. Kylo's hands automatically went to your ass, squeezing and kneading as you kissed him right after you got on top of him. He was trying to deepen the kiss, but you stayed slow.

"I want to make you feel good, Kylo. Can I do it how I want?" you mumbled.

"Whatever you want," he replied, his deep voice vibrating against your lips, "Whatever you want, baby,"

"That was so hot," you whispered between kisses, "You're so hot, Kylo,"

Kylo flicked his tongue on the back of your front teeth, "You're so _sweet_ , little angel,"

You started to slowly unbutton his dress shirt, "Am I?"

Kylo pressed you down, against his hard cock that was struggling through his pants, "You are,"

"Slow, Kylo," you reminded him, pushing his shirt off of his shoulders. He took it all the way off and tossed it aside. You then started to gradually pull up his undershirt as you slowly kissed, "I love when you say nice things,"

Kylo took the undershirt off, pulling it over his head, and went back to kissing you, holding your ass and hips again, "What else?"

Your hands went down to his belt, unbuckling it, "I love how safe you make me feel,"

"I do?"

"Yes," you pulled his belt off and let it fall off of the bed, "So safe,"

Kylo was digging his fingertips harder into your skin, getting excited, "What else do you love?"

_I just really love **you** and I want to tell you so badly, but I can't._

"There's so much, Kylo" you unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, "But I love that there are still five days left and not four," he started to shift, taking his pants off with you helping him, as you kept mumbling, "And then tomorrow, I'll love that there are four days instead of three,"

You heard the fabric of his pants hit the floor, his hands at your ass again, pushing you down, "You love being here?"

"I love being here, Kylo," you reached behind, putting your hands on his and got him to soften his grip, still wanting to go slow.

"Sorry, little angel," he apologized, then bit your lip a little between kisses, "What do you love here?"

You tugged at his hair softly, "This big ass bed,"

Kylo chuckled against your lips.

"I love the view," you added.

"The view is nice, isn't it?" he asked, pressing his face harder into yours, his nose pushing into your cheek like you loved so much.

"Mhm," you agreed, "Do you love that I'm here, Kylo?"

He nodded and replied, "I do,"

_He loves that I'm here._

"What else do you love?" you asked, finally pushing yourself down on his cock. He was so hard through his boxers and just the touch alone made the two of you sigh into each other's mouths. Kylo's grip on your hips and ass became stronger again, needing you.

Kylo started to kiss you harder, faster, lazier, pushing his tongue in your mouth in no certain way, "That you read my books,"

_He loves that I read his books._

"You have such good books," you breathed, "I love your books, Kylo,"

It took him a moment to speak again, still talking about what he loved, "That you're changing me,"

_He loves that I'm changing him._

"Oh," you brushed yourself against him again, both of you exhaling deeply from the feeling.

"I love that I dream about you,"

You felt yourself slightly crumple at that, as if you were a piece of paper or someone falling over and dying.

Kylo dreamt about you.

And he loved it.

You realized at this moment, everything that the two of you were saying to each other would be able to be played back later.

And you couldn't fucking wait to hear it again.

"Kylo, I'm so proud of you for quitting," you broke the kiss, "Will you lay down? Can I make you feel good? You deserve it so much,"

Kylo didn't nod or say anything, he just scooted the both of you down a little on the bed and laid back, eager. It made you giggle. You leaned down and kissed him lightly, "I'm going to make so many noises in a minute like you say I always do, but I want to hear you make noises first,"

He looked a little confused, but let you do whatever you wanted to do. You started to kiss his neck, then went down to his chest, kissing him there. You kept going further down his body to his stomach, just wanting to kiss him. You weren't sure if girls did this to guys...you weren't really an expert in _any_ of this (obviously) but you loved when Kylo did this to you and you just wanted to do it back to him.

You loved him so much and you wanted—no, _needed_ to kiss him all over before it was too late.

You could hear him breathing hard as you kissed him, and he took a sharp breath in when you got to his boxers. You peeked up at him and asked, "Can I take these off, Kylo?"

His lips were parted and his eyes were so glazed over as Kylo gave you a quick nod, "Mm,"

Kylo was so lovely, it could kill you.

You pulled down his boxers until they were off of him and wrapped your hand around his cock. Leaning down, back slightly arched and ass a little up because you were trying to be sexy or whatever, you kissed his tip and looked up at Kylo, "Can I put you in my mouth, Kylo? Would you want that?"

"Jesus fucking Christ," he mumbled, putting one hand in your hair, "Do whatever the fuck you want, please,"

You gathered spit in your mouth and let it fall onto Kylo's cock, where you spread it, along with his precum, as you stroked up and down his shaft slowly. Then, you gathered spit in your mouth again and put your lips over his tip, slowly sinking your mouth down, letting his cock fill your mouth.

Your poor, poor jaw.

It was quite hard paying attention to Kylo's little grunts and groans, making sure you were still stroking the base of his cock, letting your tongue do work as you sucked, but it was all so rewarding and you knew you were getting better the longer you went and the harder Kylo gripped your hair. He was hitting the back of your throat and you felt your gag reflex go crazy, but you ignored it and the tears that pricked your eyes.

When you decided you were done, ready to get on top of him and fuck him that way, you took your mouth away and let your hand take back over, slowly pumping his cock.

"Do you want me to fuck you now, Kylo?" you managed to get out, your voice a little raw.

"Y-Yes,"

You crawled and leaned over Kylo, on your hands and knees, palms pressing into the mattress on either side of his head, "Will you take off this lace?" you asked, referencing the lingerie.

Kylo nodded and you felt his fingers hook into the waistband of the lacy panties, and quickly pull them down. You moved your legs a little, taking them all the way off, then kicked them away. After those were off, you straddled Kylo and he sat up, kissing your chest as he reached behind you, undoing the bra.

"Such a pretty blue on you, love," he mumbled, making you melt.

Once your bra was off, he kissed and sucked on your breasts for a moment, then laid back down when you pushed on his shoulders.

You reached under yourself, taking Kylo's cock in your hand, and positioned it at your cunt, ready to push down onto it. Kylo was grabbing tightly at the back of your thighs as you straddled him, his eyes wild and his lips parted, and you knew how badly he wanted this.

"Can I?" you asked, even though from the look on his face and feeling of his throbbing dick, you could tell what his answer would be without a doubt.

He nodded and gripped your thighs firmer, probably set to leave some kind of small bruise tomorrow.

Kylo let out a deep exhale and you thought you saw him bite his lip a little as you sank down on his cock, letting it enter you. A little painful at first, but nothing you couldn't get used to like you always did. You being on top meant it'd go so much deeper, and while you wanted this to be about Kylo, it was nice that it also made you feel so good, too.

As Kylo felt himself inside of you, you noticed he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, whispering, "It's so easy with you,"

You slowly began to glide your hips simultaneously back and forth and up and down on his cock, trying to find a rhythm, "What's easy, K-Kylo?"

You loved how he felt inside of you.

"Everything, little angel," he answered you, now running his hands up and down the back of your thighs to your ass, guiding you as you rode him. While you were trying not to pay so much attention to how you felt, you couldn't help but become so much more aware of the noises you made, the mewls leaving your mouth, the little moans escaping your lips.

"A little faster, love," Kylo requested with a shaky voice. You leaned down to kiss him and bounce yourself on him easier, faster, just like how he needed. Kylo lightly slapped your ass, being cute, "Such a good girl,"

You laughed. Hard.

He made you so happy.

"I love you like this, little angel," Kylo whispered.

"On top?" you giggled, out of breath, straightening your back again, maintaining your fast pace for him.

He started to thrust up, meeting you, fucking you harder, "And so smiley,"

_He loves how smiley I am._

"Well, I love you like this, too, Kylo—ah," you moaned pretty loud, the feeling of him deep inside of you catching you by surprise.

"Underneath you?" Kylo smirked.

You leaned down, kissing him for a moment, before sitting back up and humming, "Mhm,"

"Don't get used to this, little angel,"

You gave him a confused face, but it quickly went away when you felt yourself being tossed to the side, then moved on your back. Kylo got on top of you quickly, pushing himself back inside of you in an instant.

"Wait—" you whined, "I didn't want you to have to do anything!"

"Too bad, sweet girl," Kylo buried his head in your neck, going faster, "I love being on top of you too much,"

You were secretly thanking God that you could sort of relax now. Being on top was tiring as fuck. You felt sweat against your forehead start to trail down your temple, which you quickly wiped away. Kylo took his head out of your neck and kissed the bead of sweat, "Look at you, working so hard to make me feel good,"

He reached his hand down, rubbing circles into your clit. You shut your eyes and cried out, knowing that Kylo was enjoying every little sound. At this point in your time here, you didn't care about his neighbors or whoever shared a wall with him. You could be as loud as you wanted to be, because _Kylo_ wanted you to be.

"Just a little faster, Kylo," you whispered, wanting to come, "I can almost feel it,"

"Wait, baby," he breathed and took his hand away from your clit.

"Kylo, please," you begged, "You don't have to make me wa—"

He covered your mouth with his hand for a few seconds and shushed you, "Shh, just wait,"

You squeezed your eyes shut and tried not to focus on the sensation growing in your belly as Kylo kissed your lips again, making you relax.

Suddenly, he pushed your head to the side and pressed his own cheek on yours as he kept thrusting into you. You weren't sure what he was doing until Kylo reached down, rubbing your clit again, and whispered, "Smile, little love,"

"Oh my God," you sighed, your legs that wrapped around him tightening, "Oh fuck,"

You were about to come and you were staring right into the fucking camera, lids heavy, jaw slack, and love probably slapped all over your face. It might be awkward as fuck to play this back, but in this moment, you were enjoying it more than you liked to admit and it only fueled your orgasm.

"Come whenever, little angel," Kylo faced you and pressed his forehead to your temple so you still had to look at the camera. His voice was lower than normal and slightly strained, and you knew he was about to come, too.

After a moment of the feeling growing in your lower stomach again, you came. Heat spread all over your body, your limbs tensed, sounds left your mouth that you couldn't even register because your ears rang a little, and you did it all right where the camera could see you.

God, it was hot.

"Look at me, sweet girl," Kylo ordered while you were still reeling in your orgasm. You turned your head, no longer facing to the side, and opened your eyes to look at Kylo. He looked so soft yet intense, so loving yet lustful. Just so Kylo.

"The name," he said, his voice coming out in a grunt.

Kylo wanted you to say that name again.

For...role-play?

You'd go along with it.

You took his face in your hands and made him kiss you, while you mumbled, "Oh, Ben. Please come,"

Kylo moaned at your lips and you felt him tense inside of you.

"I'm so proud of you, Ben," you continued, "So proud,"

You wished you could call him 'Kylo', the name you knew him by, but you figured you'd lean into whatever Kylo was into...you just hoped this wasn't an every time thing.

He dipped his head next to yours and Kylo made sure every last drop of his cum was released inside of your cunt as he came shortly after you told him 'so proud'. You forgot all about the name thing as you heard his satisfied groans at your ear.

Kylo picked his head back up after a moment and kissed all around your face as he finished completely. You wrapped your arms around his neck and made him kiss your lips long and hard before he collapsed next to you.

You figured it was only 2PM now, and what a fucking day you had already. You just had to be the luckiest person in the world, living this life.

"Can you give me like five minutes, then can we do it again? I want to get better at being on top," you requested, breathless.

Kylo reached over at his phone to turn off the camera, his fingers shaky, and replied, "Give me ten, and yes,"

\--

Your hair was probably insane at this point. Fuck, _Kylo's_ hair was insane. It'd been an hour since you and Kylo said 'ten more minutes' and in that time, you were pretty sure you both fell asleep for a few minutes, then went back having sex again, like you wanted.

You had your arms over your face, catching your breath again, as you laid next to Kylo, who was doing the same. God, you'd never get tired of this.

"I really am happy for you," you said between labored breaths, "I think it's so rad that you quit,"

Kylo rested his hands on his stomach and looked over at you, his head digging into the pillow under him, "You think it's 'rad'?"

"Yeah," you smiled, "It's 'rad', old man,"

"Fuck off,"

You instinctively reached over and took one of his hands in yours as the two of you looked up at the ceiling and giggled, "You're not actually old. I'm just teasing you. You're young, Kylo,"

He didn't shoo your hand away or pretend to do something else with it so you'd stop holding it. Kylo just let you hold his hand as you both laid there.

The sounds of you and Kylo's heavy breaths were dwindling, and after a moment, Kylo spoke, "I think we should go somewhere, little angel,"

You cocked an eyebrow and turned your head to him, "Go somewhere?"

"Mhm," he nodded, seemingly coming up with this on the spot, "Before Monday...I want to go somewhere with you,"

Kylo wanted to go somewhere with you before you'd leave. Like, a nice, depressing, long, farewell weekend, you figured.

"Okay...like Manhattan?" you asked, rolling on your side to talk to him about it.

Kylo rolled on his side, too, facing you, "No, somewhere far,"

"Oh...when would we leave?"

He started to run his fingertips lightly over your arm, "Tomorrow, maybe,"

This was all so exciting. You didn't care that you were leaving Kylo on Monday that much right now. You were just so goddamn excited to go somewhere with him. Not the apartment. Not New York. No work to get in the way. Just the two of you far, far away.

"Well, where are we going?" you questioned, hiding a little smile.

Kylo sat up and leaned off the bed a little to grab his boxers and pull them on, "You can pick wherever you want, little angel," he said casually, getting fully off of the bed now and tossing you one of his t-shirts to put on.

You caught it and pulled it over your head as you asked, "Anywhere?"

"Anywhere," Kylo nodded, then held out his hand for you to take, "Think about where you want to go while we pick something to eat. Come on, I'm hungry,"

You took his hand and got off of the bed, and even though your legs felt wobbly, you had a little skip in your step as you thought about where you wanted to go.

 _Anywhere_.

A few minutes later, you and Kylo were sitting on the couch together (you were in his lap), watching TV, eating dry cereal right out of the box. You were watching 'the gumball show', as Kylo liked to call it, and just chilling.

You reached your hand into the cereal box and glanced at Kylo, who you saw was already looking at you with a weird expression.

"Uhm, what?" you smiled nervously.

He looked back at the TV and muttered, "Nothing,"

You chewed on your lip, trying not to smile more. He seemed shy...defensive, maybe. You couldn't help it. You kissed his cheek. Just because you wanted to.

"Hm?" Kylo hummed. You could tell he was trying not to smile.

Was it so hard to admit he maybe liked you even a little when he wasn't trying to get in your pants or when you weren't insanely tired? Probably not.

Seeing him shy like this suddenly made you think of the name 'Ben'.

"Kylo?" you paused the show and put down the cereal box.

Kylo looked around, a bit confused, "Yes?"

"Why do you like when I call you that name? I'm not sure it's a role-play thing, after all,"

Kylo took the remote and started to play the show again, "You don't have to call me that anymore,"

"What?" you grabbed the remote from him, pausing the TV again, "I just want to know why. I can still call you that...if it helps, like if I'm not doing enough when we, you know—"

He shot daggers at you with his eyes, "That's not it at all. Don't say that,"

"...okay. Will you tell me about it, then?" you asked, hoping he wouldn't be angry.

Kylo shook his head, "No. Just role-play. I won't have you do it anymore. Play the show,"

Fuck.

"Are you mad at me? I'm sorry for asking so much. I just like to know you, I guess," you explained.

His eyes became soft again, "I'm not mad, little angel. Now, play the show and think about where we're going tomorrow,"

You made yourself comfortable in his lap again, grabbing the cereal and remote, not even watching the show. You just thought about 'Ben', the name that seemed to come up recently and plague both you and Kylo. 


	20. my favorite color.

** Day Twenty-Six. **

"Out of all of the places in the world, I can't believe you chose to go to Austin fucking Texas," Kylo scoffed.

Even though Kylo was probably disappointed you didn't pick somewhere like Mexico or the Cayman Islands or something, you didn't care. You were weirdly happy to finally visit Texas. It'd been on your bucket list.

"Have you ever been here?" you asked, sitting with Kylo in the back of a car that was taking you to a hotel downtown. You were in the middle seat (because Kylo made you sit next to him) and you looked out of his side of the SUV's window, admiring the rolling hills. It was technically still wintertime and the trees were bare, but the weather in Austin wasn't bad. It was far nicer than New York.

Sunny. Chilly. Pretty.

"Yes, I've been here," Kylo answered you, studying your face and pushing your hair behind your ear as you leaned over him, still looking out of the windows, "It's better in the spring months. May is nice,"

You wished you could come back in May with Kylo but by then, you'd both just be memories to each other.

  
But you didn't want to think about that right now.

"Can we do what you did while you were here?" you smiled big at all of the large, country boy, yee-yee trucks on the highway, "Will you take me to the places you went?"

"I worked while I was here," Kylo mumbled as he muted his ringing phone. He went back to playing with your hair and added, "There are a couple of places I went by myself in my downtime, though. I can show you them, I guess,"

"Oh, that'd be so lovely. I'm excited," you sat back in your seat and Kylo moved his hand to your thigh, "Are _you_ excited?"

He glanced down at you for a moment, giving your thigh a small squeeze, before humming, "Mhm,"

This was what you'd been looking forward to since yesterday: how comfortable and 'domestic' this weekend, far away from New York, would feel. You hoped it'd be relaxed, not so serious (like you and Kylo seemed to be lately), and a nice way to forget that you'd leave soon.

After arriving at the hotel and checking in, you walked into the fanciest room you'd ever seen. You'd never stayed at a place with a balcony and a nice couch, plus ample space to walk around in. One of the walls was covered in windows, just like Kylo's apartment. Even the bathroom was fancy as fuck. You were starting to see how much money Kylo _really_ had, not to mention the small, private plane that you took here.

You really loved Kylo and wanted him to ask you to stay because you liked him a whole lot, but you also really liked his money, no lie.

"I'd be fine in a LaQuinta, you know," you mumbled, exploring the room, then looking in the bathroom, "Jesus Christ, come check out this bathtub!"

Kylo came over and stood behind you, not looking impressed, "An awfully big tub for just one girl. Have fun,"

"You really hate them that much? You won't go in with me before we leave?" you gave him your best puppy eyes, but it didn't seem to work. Kylo shook his head and muted his ringing phone, leaving the room. While he was gone, you started to make a space on the bathroom counter for your things.

Kylo came back a minute or two later and stood behind you, the ends of your hair between his fingers as he twisted them like usual, "What are we doing first today, little angel?"

"Um, I thought we could get lunch..." your words trailed off as Kylo's arms wrapped around your waist, "Uh—and I know it's a little chilly but maybe we could look around and expl—"

His head on your shoulder as he listened and watched you in the mirror distracted you. Sometimes, you swore he loved you. Little things like this didn't help try to get over him before the weekend was up.

"A-And I thought we could explore. Did you know the Texas capitol building is like fourteen feet higher than the one in D.C.?"

"I did not know that," Kylo turned his head slightly to kiss your cheek, "You're so smart, little love,"

You laughed nervously, "I just Google stuff,"

"Still the smartest person I know," he commented matter-of-factly.

He was so lovely. But he was also a liar.

You cocked an eyebrow at him in the mirror, "You're being really nice right now,"

"I can be nicer," Kylo whispered, starting to kiss your jaw, "I can be so nice before we leave, if you'd like. Would my girl like that?"

Your cheeks were getting hot and your heart was beating faster. It really wasn't fair that he knew just what to say to you to make you feel like this. You tried to move his hands from your waist, but his grip was too strong, "You can't say that to me right now, Kylo,"

Kylo kissed up your jawline and to your ear as he peeked at you in the mirror, "Why not?" one of his hands started to snake up your shirt, under your bra, "You're my girl, so that's what I'll call you,"

But you weren't his girl. You just weren't.

"Fuck, not now. I-I get too excited and we're supposed to leave for lunch," you explained in shaky breaths while your hand reached up your shirt to move Kylo's.

He gave up trying to touch you there, letting you move his hand, but instantly had his arms wrapped around your waist again, holding you tighter. Kylo stepped forward, pressing himself behind you, making your hips lean against the bathroom counter.

"So I shouldn't say things that will excite you, then? Because we'll get distracted?" he asked, his lips still so close to your ear and his eyes meeting yours in the mirror, "And we're on a schedule, are we?"

You nodded, "Sort of, y-yeah,"

Kylo chuckled softly, then spoke into your ear again, "So I shouldn't call you my sweet girl? I know you like that,"

You shook your head 'no'.

"I shouldn't tell you how I'd rather skip lunch?" Kylo squeezed you tighter, "You taste so much better,"

You shook your head 'no' again, sighing a little.

"Hm," Kylo pouted his lips, pretending to frown, "That's too bad. I was really wanting to hear those little sounds you make when my head is between your legs,"

You couldn't really say no anymore. Kylo was too convincing, too sexy, and too much to resist.

"Oh my God," you whispered, reaching behind to Kylo's pants, trying to unbutton them, "Quick, please,"

He suddenly stood up straight and stretched a little, smirking, "No. Let's go to lunch. You insisted,"

"Wha—Kylo! You were the one w—"

Kylo held out his hand for you to take and started to leave the bathroom, "Lunch, little angel,"

\--

"You don't like pickles?" you peeked over at Kylo's plate in the noisy restaurant, his pickles off to the side.

"No,"

You teased him, "I thought you were perfect. Guess not,"

Kylo smiled for a second, then pushed his plate to you, "Do you want them?"

"Yes, thanks," you took the little slices and put them on your own plate. You figured every relationship should be like this. One person who likes restaurant pickles, one person who doesn't. It was too damn bad this wasn't a 'relationship'.

Kylo was in the middle of eating his pulled pork sandwich, when he asked, "How's the barbecue?"

It was cute. He never talked with his mouth full, whereas you always did.

You gave a big grin after swallowing a bit of the food you ordered, "So fucking good. I love Texas. I'm so happy we're here, Kylo. Yeehaw!" you exclaimed sort of loudly, then quieted down and mumbled, "Or whatever they say,"

"No one talks like that in Texas. Especially not this part..." Kylo said, his voice trailing off as he reached his hand across the table to your face, "Come here,"

When you leaned forward, Kylo wiped a little barbecue sauce off of the corner of your mouth with this thumb, then sucked it off casually while he looked back at his food. He wasn't trying to be sexy. He wasn't trying to be cute. He was just being casual.

Because that's what this was turning into.

Casual. Real.

"I'm going to get heartburn tonight," Kylo frowned, breaking your thoughts, "Can we go to a store and get Tums after this?"

His phone started to buzz.

Kylo quickly muted it.

"Uh, yeah. We should get Swedish Fish and Sour Patch Kids, too," you noted, trying not to pay attention to his constantly ringing phone.

"...why?"

"For if we get snacky at night," you shrugged, pointing at Kylo, "You get Swedish Fish—" you pointed to yourself now, "—and I get Sour Patch Kids. Remember when we got those that one night?"

'That one night' meaning the night when it was Valentine's Day and it was so corny because it was also the day you bought the blue 'I HEART NY' t-shirts and had sex for the first time. No big deal, just one of the best days ever, probably, experiencing that with someone that you felt so safe with, someone you liked, someone you loved, even.

"I remember. That was a good night," Kylo said softly, finishing the last of his food. He quickly turned serious again, "Anyway, Tums, Sour Patch Kids, and Swedish Fish, then,"

After your late lunch, you ran to the store to get this old man some Tums, then begged Kylo to walk around with you a little downtown. When you were walking by the capitol, you spewed out more facts that you read somewhere on the Internet as Kylo held your hand and listened to you talk nonstop about a state that the two of you didn't even live in.

As you continued to walk, Kylo must have seen a place he just _needed_ to go into, so he grabbed your arm and took you with him. The store was small, cute, and full of jewelry. You instantly groaned.

"I'm down to help you pick out a pair of earrings for yourself, but I don't need any of this stuff, Kylo," you whispered, taking his hand and giving it a small tug.

A salesperson came over to the two of you, and as she spoke, you heard a small, southern accent, "Hi! What can I do for y'all?"

Kylo motioned for you to shoo away, "Go look around,"

You pursed your lips but did as he said, going to the corner of the store, checking out the jewelry in the glass case. The area of the city you were in seemed a bit fancy, and the store confirmed that. This shit looked _nice_. All of your jewelry at home was fake silver from Forever21 or other places like that. All of _this_ stuff was hundreds of dollars of real silver or real gold.

Not really what you were used to, to say the least.

And not what you _needed._

Kylo was talking to the girl, his voice quiet, for a minute or two. You figured he was bossing her around, telling her exactly what he was looking for (whatever that might be), or something like that. After a minute, she went to the back and you stepped over to Kylo.

"I hope you at least said 'please' to her," you mumbled.

Kylo started to move your hair away from both sides of your neck as he said proudly, "I did,"

You teased him, "Wow! The Cold Kylo Ren said please! I can _not_ believe it,"

"I've been with you for too long, I think," Kylo kicked your ankle.

"Good thing you only have four more days with me, then," you kicked his ankle back.

You were trying to be playful with that comment, but you realized it only hurt. Four more days to love on Kylo. Four more days to hear all of those nicknames he gave you. Four more days to kiss the best kisser in the world, you figured.

Four more days.

Fuck, you thought this weekend could help you forget, but it was only reminding you of it more.

Before Kylo could say anything back, the saleswoman walked your way, "I think we've got something similar to what you were asking about! I was fixing to lose hope! Lemme find it in the case," she smiled and searched through the glass cases for whatever she was looking for.

You whispered to Kylo, "Fixing? What is she fixing?"

He whispered back, "It means 'about to'. I think it's a southern thing,"

"I love this place," you grinned.

"Found it!" she exclaimed, pulling something out of one of the cases, "How's this?"

Kylo stepped over to her, looking at whatever she was holding and nodded, whispering something, then motioned for you to come over as well. His eyes were on you as you stood next to him, lips parted, looking at what the lady was holding.

"Can she put it on?"

The woman looked a little nervous, "Well, we don't normally let people wear the jewelry before it's purchased...store poli—"

"How much?" Kylo pulled out his wallet, but then seemed to remember you were right there, "Never mind, just ring it up. Here," he handed her his card and took the necklace off of the black, velvet board it was sitting on.

You were frozen. It looked expensive. It looked perfect.

And it was blue.

Probably just what Kylo was asking about.

"Turn to the mirror," Kylo ordered, nudging you a bit. You swallowed and shifted to look at yourself in the small, face mirror on the counter. You saw Kylo behind you, carefully putting the necklace over your head, "Move your hair, little angel,"

You nodded and picked it up as Kylo fastened the necklace on the nape of your neck. You watched the gold chain settle on your collarbones and the blue jewels that peppered across the chain fall into place. Kylo put your hands at your side and reached up from behind you, softly touching the gems.

"My favorite color," he whispered, "My favorite girl,"

Your mouth was dry, staring into the mirror at the little, blue jewels on your neck. Kylo was already giving you so much money from the whole 'buying you' thing, and now he was spending money that he didn't have to.

Just because he wanted to.

Just because you were his favorite girl.

"Kylo, this is too much," you said softly, biting on your cheek a little, eyes still on your collarbones. It was taking so much not to tell him 'thank you, I love it and I love you and I think you might love me, too'.

"I don't think it's enough," Kylo took one of your hands and held it up, "I think I want blue to go here, too,"

The nice lady came back, handing Kylo his card, to which he shook his head, "No, one more thing," he asked about a ring with blue stones and the woman quickly came back with a few. You were still blankly staring at the necklace on you, so you didn't even notice Kylo putting a ring on your middle finger.

"Isn't the blue nice?" Kylo asked, holding up your hand.

The ring was gold with small, blue stones all around it. It was simple, something you could wear with anything, and not flashy at all. It was perfect.

But you just didn't know why Kylo was wanting you to have all of this so suddenly.

"The blue is nice...but I just don't know if I can take all of this. If you want me to have one, I'll pick one, but I feel weird having both," you said, eyes now staring at the ring on your middle finger.

Kylo was still holding your hand up and softly touched over the blue stones, just like he did on the necklace, "You'll have both. For me,"

"For you?"

"Mhm. For me. I want you to wear at least one every day until Monday so I can always see you in this pretty blue," Kylo pressed his lips on your temple and dropped your hand, then turned to the lady, asking if everything was good to go.

After staring a little longer at your new pieces of jewelry that you definitely didn't need and asking that the necklace be put in a nice little bag, you and Kylo left the small store. While you were a little uncomfy at how much it probably was and felt bad now that Kylo quit his job, you also really liked the jewelry. You decided to just enjoy the fuck out of it.

The rest of your day was spent looking around the city a bit, and Kylo insisted that you go to a local museum. Even though you told him it was really fine (you thought he'd be tired of going to museums by now) Kylo took you to one anyway. He said that because that's what you wanted to do for a living, work at one, you should visit all of them that you can.

While you walked around the museum, Kylo would play with the ends of your hair and hold your hand, just to feel the ring. Sometimes he'd mindlessly twist it around your finger as you looked at something, and sometimes he'd hold it up, inspecting it.

He did that for the rest of the day.

\--

"Kylo, this is really nice," you were laying on the hotel bed in a dress, admiring your new necklace in the front-facing camera of Kylo's phone, "Like, _so_ nice,"

Kylo was in the bathroom, a suit on that made him look oh, so handsome, brushing through his hair and styling it before the late dinner you were going to. It was around 8PM now. You and Kylo got distracted by a nap earlier.

"I'm glad you like it,"

"I love it," you whispered, staring at the little jewels. You suddenly shot up from the bed and went to the bathroom, his phone still in your hand, "Oh, hey. We look nice. We should take a picture,"

"A picture?" he glanced at you for a second, then went back to looking at himself in the mirror, continuing to fix his hair, "Afraid I'll forget you again?"

Maybe.

"...no, I just think we look good," you awkwardly laughed, "I think this is the only time you've seen me in a dress _and_ I put on these heels. I'm a brand new woman, I think,"

"You're forgetting the night that I bought you, little angel. You don't remember that cute dress you had on?" Kylo asked, still not looking at you, only himself. His tone was flat. It wasn't playful. It wasn't anything. It was just flat.

You pressed your lips together, "Um, I remember now...and okay—" you set his phone on the counter, "No picture, then,"

You thought that maybe he was reminding you of what this was. Why would you need a picture? He bought you. You only had like three full days left. There was no need to have any pictures, any memories, because this wasn't any _thing_.

You were leaving the bathroom to go sulk when you heard Kylo say, "Let me finish with my hair,"

"And then we'll go?"

"No—and then we can take a picture, if you'd like," Kylo corrected you, tone still a little flat, but a touch warmer.

"Okay,"

It took Kylo honestly forever to do his hair. His hair wasn't super short, but it definitely wasn't long enough to spend that much time on. Kylo was such a pretty boy, always taking such nice care of his car, his always 'Chapstick-ed' lips, and his styled hair.

When he was finally done, you made him stand where the lighting was best in the hotel room and held up the phone. Kylo bent down a little and gave a smile that was barely there. You took a selfie, then asked, "Will you do one with like, a real smile? Like with your teeth? I love when you smile like that,"

"Smile with my teeth?" he made a face, as if smiling would quite literally kill him, "Fine,"

Kylo gave a toothy smile that you'd only seen a few times.

You were going to save this picture forever.

When you went back to look at the photos, you accidentally scrolled one too far and saw the video from yesterday. The sex video. Your eyes went wide, forgetting you and Kylo did that, "Oh, uh—um, are we gonna watch this? Like you said?"

"I don't think we'll be able to tonight,"

"Like, 'cause we'll be busy?" you questioned.

Kylo took his phone, then grabbed your hand, walking toward the door, "You'll see. Come on,"

You and Kylo Ubered to a restaurant on the other side of town. Apparently, Kylo had been there before and demanded you had to try it. You were just happy the two of you wouldn't be eating takeout for a few days.

"This place is so nice," you glanced around the dimly lit restaurant. There was a river outside that was moving slow and the reflection of lights rippled across the water. Of course Kylo had been here before. It screamed expensive, even just by looking at the view, "I bet all of their food is so fancy," you whispered to Kylo, a hostess leading the two of you to a table.

"It is,"

After you sat down, you started to reach for the menu until Kylo grabbed it from you, "I'll get you everything you need,"

"I think I can manage," you frowned, trying to take the menu back, "Besides, you don't even know what I like,"

"You'll like whatever I pick for you,"

You cocked an eyebrow and crossed your arms, "Oh really?"

Kylo looked behind you as a waiter approached the table. You couldn't even get a 'hello' in before Kylo started spitting out exactly what he wanted for the both of you and when he wanted it. He didn't even have to look at the fancy menu. He just started requesting things.

As Kylo finished ordering this poor waiter around during the first few seconds of meeting him, you mouthed at Kylo, 'say please'.

"Please and thank you," Kylo said to the man through his teeth basically, "Oh, and the best wine you have. Your opinion," he said, looking back and you and waving the man off.

"Wait, what's your name? Sorry, we forgot to ask," you smiled sweetly and touched his arm.

Kylo kicked your leg under the table.

The waiter collected the leather menus and gave you and Kylo a small, "James," then quickly left.

You gave Kylo a look, "You scared James. You're mean,"

"I said please," Kylo sipped on his water, "And I even said thank you,"

"Mhm," you rolled your eyes, then the thought of something else to get onto him about crossed your mind, "And what's with the wine? I told you I'm not drinking, Kylo,"

He shifted in his seat a bit, trying to reach into his pocket to mute his buzzing phone. You wondered who on Earth absolutely needed to talk to Kylo all day and who he was ignoring.

"I told you I was going to get you drunk sometime. Now is sometime,"

Whatever. You didn't drink in front of Kylo because of 'respect' but since he clearly wasn't respecting you now, you said fuck it.

James was back with a bottle of wine and Kylo pointed to your glass, "Just her,"

After you sipped it and pretended to care what wine tasted like, you gave James the okay to leave the bottle. You were trying to drink the wine slowly as the night went on, but Kylo kept reminding you to 'take another sip' between conversations.

When the food got to your table, Kylo poured more into your now empty glass. As soon as the waiter had put the food down and left, you knit your brow at Kylo, a little frustrated, "I'm uncomfortable with this," you said, referencing the wine situation again.

"I don't care,"

"That's fucked up," you whispered, kicking his leg under the table.

Kylo pushed the glass toward you, "Another,"

"Kylo—"

"Don't you feel nice? Don't you feel warm already?" he asked, picking up his knife and cutting into his steak.

You were starting to feel a little warm after just one glass. You couldn't help it. Your cheeks and neck started to heat up from the drink and your lips pulsed a little. When you drank, it went right to your face.

"Yes, but—"

"Then have another," he interrupted you, his voice stern.

You rolled your eyes and ignored the drink, cutting into your own food as well, "I don't want to get drunk,"

Kylo smirked, "How much would it take to get you drunk?"

"Uh, well I'm a loser so maybe like...three or four glasses? Probably three. It's so embarrassing how mu—"

"You'll have three, then," Kylo replied before eating a bite, his lips closing around the fork.

"But, Kylo—"

He shook his head, telling you to stop, "You're still mine. You still do what I say. Have three,"

Whatever. You were already having one. Might as well do the whole thing if he insisted.

"You're the worst," you grumbled, picking up your glass and taking a big gulp. You wished it were rosé or some kind of cocktail. Fancy, red wine was a taste you hadn't really acquired yet in life.

"I know," Kylo smiled, watching you drink.

He was so fucked up.

You didn't know how much time had passed after a while of talking with Kylo, eating, and getting over being annoyed at him. After your second glass of wine...or your third (Kylo kept filling it so honestly, you didn't know), you didn't seem to have a care in the world about anything that previously happened.

Except it _did_ annoy you when Kylo's phone kept buzzing, leaving him to mute it every so often. Other than that, it was a nice dinner; mostly just you talking, Kylo listening, and him reaching out and touching your hand, just to feel the gold ring.

"This was sooo good," you blinked, staring at the empty plate in front of you. Your eyes were a little glazed over now from the alcohol, "I'm so glad I don't have to cook for a few days,"

Kylo's hand found yours again on the table, and his middle finger was lightly touching the blue jewels, "I like when you cook,"

"Compared to this?" you asked, pointed around at the restaurant, referencing the fancy food.

"Yes,"

You giggled, "Liar,"

"I'm not lying. I like to watch you cook,"

"Ooookay, weirdo,"

Kylo got kind of quiet, his eyes down at his hand that took itself off of yours. You must have embarrassed him because he was all shy now and it was your fault. You felt bad.

James was back and taking the dishes away, asking about dessert. Kylo said the two of you would pass. Maybe it was because you'd been drinking, or maybe it was because you'd do this anyway, but you frowned and whined, "What? No dessert?"

"Just the check, please," Kylo said to James. You made a mental note of him saying 'please' and you put a little gold star on his face in your mind. Kylo spoke to you after James left, "We're getting dessert, little angel. Just not here. Finish your glass,"

It was weird. In a split second, you were now in another Uber, sitting next to Kylo, his arm around you. You took a deep breath, needing to get it semi-together. After all, you didn't even remember getting into this car.

"What time is it? How long were we there, Kylo? And where are we going for dessert?" you asked, your train of thought going in a million different places.

Kylo was being sweet again, probably just because he thought you were too drunk to notice him being so lovely (even though you swore you weren't drunk). He pulled you closer to him and kissed the top of your head, answering all of your questions, "It's half past ten. You talked my ear off at the restaurant so we were there for a while. Do you like donuts?"

"I love donuts, but it's not morning," you looked up at him with big, confused eyes, "Donuts are morning food, Kylo,"

You heard him laugh a little in the dark car, "Donuts at night are better, love,"

You didn't remember much about the donut place, but it was open 24/7, apparently. You heard Kylo tell you he came here by himself one night while he was working and couldn't sleep. Other than that, the trip was a blur. In the car ride back to the hotel, you held the bag of donuts while Kylo played with your ring again, twisting it around your finger.

\--

"Ohhhh my goodness that was so good but now I wanna change, Kylo," you stumbled a little into the hotel room, "Will you help me change?"

Kylo was holding your waist with one of his arms, helping you walk normally, the bag with a few donuts in his other hand, "Jesus Christ, I'm not getting you like this again," he muttered.

"I told you I get messy, Kylo. Trust me, this is not my worst," you shook yourself away from him and went right to your bag, kneeling on the carpet, "Okayyyy, come here, come here!"

"What?" Kylo stood above you and looked annoyed. You waved for him to come down and kneel with you. After rolling his eyes and putting the bag somewhere, he did, "Okay, what?"

"You always do what I ask you to do. Did you know that? You're so sweet with me. I love that," you said casually, then started to go through your bag, pulling out different nightgowns that you brought and holding them all up at once, "Pick one for me to sleep in!"

Kylo knit his brow, "You didn't bring any of your shorts?"

You put the nightgowns down and a small smirk fell over your lips, "I think you like me better in my shorts and your shirts. Isn't that right?"

"I do,"

"Well, that's nice, but I didn't bring the shorts," you thought for a moment, then tried to stand up. You were a bit wobbly, so Kylo had to hold onto you, both of you standing up straight now. You continued, "I guess I don't have to sleep in shorts, I can just sleep in your shirt...if you want me to. They're more comfy anyway than the nightgowns. Can I just sleep in your shirt and not wear shorts?"

Kylo opened his mouth to say something, but you beat him.

"No actually, _I_ _want_ to just wear your shirt. Get me a shirt of yours, please! Did you pack extra? For me? Please say you did!" you reached up and held his face in your hands, making him look at you, "Did you?"

"Good Lord," Kylo smiled just barely before taking your wrists and putting your hands at your side, "Take off your clothes and I'll get you a shirt,"

As Kylo went over to his own bag, you kicked off your shoes and started to take off the dress you were wearing. It was so wonderful how Kylo took care of you sometimes, even though you wished you weren't past the point of buzzed and needed to be 'babied'. It was still nice.

His phone started to buzz in his pocket again. Kylo quickly shut it off.

"Who keeps calling you?" you asked curiously.

"No one. Arms up," Kylo ordered, now standing in front of you, a t-shirt in hand. You gladly put your arms up and let him put the shirt on you. While your head was going through the hole at the top, Kylo mumbled, "I did pack extra for you,"

You figured he thought you wouldn't hear him or that you were so 'out of it' that you wouldn't be paying attention, but you heard it. Kylo packed extra t-shirts for you because he wanted to. Because he knew you. Because that's how _this_ was.

 _This_ , whatever you two had, was normal.

But it was all going to be over soon.

You pushed the thought out of your mind as Kylo, himself, changed quickly, then lead you to the couch with your bag of donuts. You sat next to Kylo, almost on top of him and probably annoying him, while you ate the sweets. Kylo got a few different kinds, so as you sat there, you would take a bite or two of one donut, then give it to Kylo for him to try.

"I like this one," you commented, your mouth full, "Try it,"

Kylo opened his mouth for you to feed him and you wanted to just scream from cuteness, but also maybe bury your face in a pillow for a few months out of sadness that you wouldn't get to see Kylo like this for much longer.

Kylo nodded in agreement when he tried the one you gave him. He put one up to your mouth now, "Taste this one. I don't know how I feel about it,"

When you bit into the donut, you didn't realize there was jelly filling and you wanted to gag. You made a face and swallowed anyway, "I don't like the jam ones,"

"Oh, I'm sorry," he apologized, "I think that's the only one,"

When the donuts were mostly gone, except a few that Kylo wanted to save for tomorrow, he made you go into the bathroom to brush your teeth with him. Probably one of your favorite things ever was brushing your teeth with Kylo in the mornings and at night. His little glances never failed to make you so giddy, and he was doing them tonight, along with having to remind you to spit because of how distracted you got just from looking at him.

After brushing your teeth, you went to the main part of the hotel room with the couch, TV, and big windows. Kylo followed you and it felt like he was babysitting you, watching you closely, probably thinking you were still drunk or something. Well, you were a _little_.

"Kylo, can we dance before we go to bed tonight? In front of these windows like we do at your place?" you took his hands in yours and led him closer to the glass wall, then turned off the light to get rid of the glare on the windows, "I love dancing with you. You're so good. Who taught you?"

His eyes were tired as you wrapped your arms around his body to dance, but it looked more like a hug. Kylo hesitantly brought his arms around your back, 'hugging' you in return, then started to sway a little, dancing.

"My mom danced with me when I was young,"

You smiled, cheek pressed against his chest, "That's so cute. I love that,"

He didn't say anything, and after a while, you felt Kylo's thumb stroke you softly and his chin on the top of your head, resting.

Normally when you danced, the balcony door was open for 'music', but you and Kylo forgot to open the one in the hotel room, so you were just dancing—well, sort of softly swaying, not really dancing anymore—in silence. No sounds of cars, no distant music, just you two.

"Kylo?"

"Hm?" his hum vibrated from his chest onto your ear.

"Thank you for my necklace and ring. I really like them...and I really like you. I'll be so sad to leave, you know," you said quietly, "I think I've said that before, but I want you to know that I think you're...uh—cool and a really good person. I hope you know that I've liked hanging around,"

You wished you could see him, but you couldn't and you were too lazy to look up.

"I'm glad you like the necklace and ring," was all he replied with.

After a moment, you spoke again, "Um also, I'm tired so if we're going to have sex, can w—"

"I'm not doing that with you. You're drunk,"

"I'm not drunk, I'm just like...coming down from it, I guess," you explained.

"Still,"

You tried to protest again, "But you only have like three days left to—"

"That's never really been what this is about. You know that," Kylo replied, letting go of you and taking your hand to lead you to the bed, "Come on. You need to sleep. It's late,"

You were too tired, too loopy, too 'drunk' (not really) to ask what he meant by 'this'. What exactly was 'this'? Last Sunday, you and Kylo said that this was simply an exchange. But now, it was something called 'this' and to Kylo, sex had never been what 'this' was.

So what was 'this' to him?

It was too bad you didn't ask.

Maybe you'd try tomorrow. 


	21. like home.

**** Day Twenty-Seven. ** **

You immediately woke up the next morning in a terrible mood.

You were angry at Kylo for last night. You were angry at him for making you drink—well, he didn’t force you, but still. He pressured you. He held the fact that he still ‘owned’ you, over your head. That shit was not cool.

When you woke, you peeled yourself away from him, getting out of bed and brushing your teeth, then showering. You needed time alone. Time away. You always thought _you_ were the one annoying _him_ , but now _he_ annoyed _you_ after what happened last night. It left a weird taste in your mouth, literally and figuratively.

A few minutes into your shower, the bathroom door opened and you heard the sink start and stop a couple of times. Kylo was probably brushing his teeth.

Then, the shower door opened. Kylo was getting in with you.

“Hi,” Kylo greeted you, a small smile on his face. Under his eyes were a little puffy from just waking up and it was so cute. You had to keep remembering the other face he had on last night. The one that smirked at you across the table at dinner and pushed a glass of wine toward you.

You frowned, “Oh, hi. I’m just getting out,”

“Don’t leave,” Kylo said, stepping closer to you, not picking up on your frown, “I like to shower with you, little angel,” he leaned down and tried to be sweet with you, wanting to kiss you. Maybe he wanted to kiss you on your head, your lips, somewhere else, but you didn’t let him.

“Not now. I still have soap in my hair,” you mumbled, getting under the water and rinsing out the shampoo.

Kylo picked up on _that_. You were always so quick to stand on your tip-toes, meeting his kiss. You could tell he knew something was wrong now.

“What?” he asked, a nervous smile on his face.

When you were done getting the soap out, you went to leave the shower and told Kylo, “We can talk when you’re finished,”

“Uh, okay?”

You got out and toweled off, wondering if you were making this into a bigger deal than it should be. You ultimately decided that just because you were technically purchased by him, it didn’t mean that he couldn’t respect what you wanted. You felt like you were constantly reminding yourself of that.

After a while of getting ready for the day and trying to avoid eye contact with Kylo after he got out of the shower, you were both ready to talk.

“Okay,” Kylo started, his arms crossed and tall frame leaning on the wall behind him, “What did I do?” his hair was still a little damp and he had on his regular lounge joggers and a black, long-sleeved t-shirt. Kylo’s under eyes were still a little puffy, slowly going away as the morning dragged on.

As you leaned on the opposite wall, assessing him, Friday morning traffic was buzzing out of the glass windows next to you. Today was sunny, unusually warm, and felt like, to anyone else, it’d be a great day.

But here you were, feeling everything but warm.

“Last night was kind of messed up, don’t you think?” you started, giving him the chance to identify what was wrong, himself.

Kylo furrowed his brow, “What, were the donuts not that great or something?” he asked, trying to be funny.

“Really? You made me drink, Kylo,” you explained, “That’s why I’m a bit frustrated,”

He thought for a moment, realizing that’s what you were upset about. After a few seconds, he came back with, “But you chose to. I didn’t _make_ you,”

“I know, and that’s my fault— _but_ I was also pressured by you and that’s not really okay with me, Kylo,” you felt your face get hot. You didn’t like to be this confrontational, “I just need you to get that before our day continues,”

Kylo rolled his eyes, “You drink with your friends,”

“I do,” you nodded.

“But not with me,”

“No,”

He started to talk with his hands, his face a little red, getting annoyed probably, “It’s no fucking different. Just because I don’t do—”

“It _is_ different, though,” you tried to keep your voice in control, even though he was frustrating you a little, “I really care about you and this is important to me,”

“It shouldn’t be,”

Maybe Kylo was right. Maybe it shouldn’t be important to you. But it was. Perhaps it was all of the emotions you were feeling, anger, love, sadness, _whatever_ , but you felt your lips start to pulse. You were on the edge of crying for some reason. You quickly bit your lip, offering a distraction for a moment.

Finally, you got out, “It _is_ important to me, though. _You’re_ important to me, Kylo, and I want you to respect me like how I want to respect you, okay? I should have been better about saying no last night, and that’s on me, but you shouldn’t have pressured me like that,”

You thought that maybe Kylo could tell you were about to cry a second ago, because his eyes were now soft and he didn’t look red in the face anymore.

“Okay,” Kylo gave you a small nod.

“Do you understand?”

He started to walk toward you and nodded again, “Yes,”

As one of Kylo’s hands met your cheek, holding it, you held onto his forearm, too, “Do you really understand, though? It’s important to me that you do and that you don’t think I’m just being dumb, because I’m not,”

“I know. I understand,”

“Okay,”

Kylo leaned down, wanting you to look at him, as he asked, “Are you upset with me?”

Ugh. Men.

“A little. I just didn’t think it was very nice. I’ve told you from literally the beginning that I wasn’t going to do that,” you shrugged.

“I know,”

You softly said, “I don’t want to do that again and I don’t want you to make me feel like that again,”

Kylo moved a piece of your hair behind your ear, then put his palm on your cheek again, “I’m sorry,”

“Thank you,”

You weren’t sure why, but you pushed yourself off of the wall and hugged Kylo. You just wanted him to know how important he was to you. How much you cared. You wanted him to feel the same for you. Hugging just seemed to fit in the moment. It took him a second, but Kylo slowly hugged you back.

Hopefully he understood.

“I don’t want you to be uncomfortable,” Kylo said quietly.

You let go of him and stepped back a little, “You made me uncomfortable last night and I told you that you did. You told me that you didn’t care,”

“Did I?” Kylo asked, seeming genuine.

“Jesus, yes. I swear there’s two of you sometimes, Kylo,” you muttered, then got serious, “Yes. You told me that and it was hurtful. You said you didn’t care if I was uncomfortable,”

“I’m sorry. I don’t think I was myself,” he swallowed and added, “I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. I don’t…and I don’t want you to be mad at me,”

“I’m not mad anymore, I just want you to know and understand how _mean_ that was,” you explained, then went on, “A-And I know I was more playful and seemed happier or whatever but I’m just as playful and happy to be around you when I’m like—well, _normal_. We have so much fun together, Kylo. I just want to be normal for the rest of our time together because it’s almost over and also because it’s just _what I want_ and I need you to respect that,”

“I know,”

You bit the inside of your cheek, feeling like you were getting onto him. Like you were his teacher. But this mattered.

“And I don’t want you to do that again,” you went on, “Okay?”

“Okay, I’m sorry. I am,” Kylo nodded, “It wasn’t right and I’m sorry,”

There was a big, awkward pause.

Well, fuck. Now what?

“Are you hungry?” Kylo asked, a little shy, “F-For breakfast?”

You finally smiled, ready to get past this, “Yes. We should have the rest of the donuts from last night,”

He took your hand, even though you were only walking about five steps to the table the donuts were on, and kissed the top of your head, leading you to eat. Kylo said he was sorry about fifty times over the course of the ten minutes it took you both to devour the rest of the donuts, and you could tell he meant it, that he felt bad…that he cared about you and hopefully realized how much you cared about him.

\--

You and Kylo did all sorts of shit today after breakfast. You looked around more in the city and a little outside of it, you ate so much Mexican food—like, _good_ Mexican food—that you could die of happiness, you felt him kiss you, play with your hair and ring, and be sweet with you all day.

It was so fucking good to be like this.

…even if maybe he was only being like that because he felt bad for last night and this morning, it was still so nice.

After a long day, you went back to the hotel to sit for a while. Kylo insisted, of course. He knew you could keep going like the Energizer Bunny all day if he didn’t stop you. The dynamic you had was cute.

Kylo laid down for a while, making you lay beside him, but neither of you went to sleep. You just kind of talked about random shit like books you’d read before, Nicky, films you really liked. He told you to make a list of movies from Netflix for him to watch that were your favorites so he could, too. This would be for when you were gone, of course.

That hurt a bit.

You and Kylo were deciding what to do next around 5:30PM, sitting up in the bed with your backs against the headboard, when you came across something on Google.

“Oh, there’s a cool drive-in here,” you shoved his phone in his face, “Look,”

Kylo blinked a few times and looked at the screen, “I can see that,”

You frowned, “We don’t have a car, though. Okay, what else?” you went back to the phone, Googling other things to do. You really should have done better research before going to a random city for three days with no fucking plans.

“We can rent one,” Kylo suggested, then got off of the bed.

“Rent a movie?”

He shook his head, “A car,”

“You’re not going to rent a car just for the drive-in,” you patted the spot on the bed next to you, “Come on, help me find something else,”

“Why not?” Kylo started to walk toward your side of the mattress, “Do you want to go to the drive-in? Have you ever been to one?”

He played with the ends of your hair as you replied honestly, “…no,”

Kylo dropped his hand and moved to put his shoes on, “Then we’re going. Let’s go get a car,”

“But we don’t need to, Kylo. It’s really okay,” you put your hands up in a little ‘surrender’.

“Get up and put your shoes on,” Kylo ordered as he put on a light jacket, then went to empty his suitcase.

You huffed a little and got up, taking forever to put on your Vans. You were hoping Kylo would change his mind, not wanting to be an inconvenience. You stopped putting them on completely when you noticed that he was putting two pillows from the bed into a suitcase, then grabbed an extra set of sheets and two throw blankets from the closet in there as well.

“What are you doing?”

Kylo glanced at you, annoyed, “What are _you_ doing? Finish putting your fucking shoes on,”

You rolled your eyes and put on your shoes.

“Okay,” hands on your hips, shoes on, you stood in front of Kylo with the now closed suitcase at his side, “What is all of that for?”

“The back of whatever car we rent is going to be uncomfortable,” Kylo told you as if you were dumb, “And it’s a little chilly,”

“We really don’t have to go, Kylo,” you said, once again, “It was just a silly suggestion and if you don’t want to—"

Kylo interrupted you, “I want you to have whatever you want, do you understand? If you want to go to a fucking drive-in movie, we’re going. If you want to go to Mars, I’d take you there, too. Jesus Christ, do you understand?”

His face was intense as he stared at you, a little angry. Kylo wanted you to have and do whatever you wanted…and he wanted to be the one to do that for you. Even if was just going to a stupid drive-in movie theatre in late February in a city that he didn’t even want to go to.

“Do you understand?” Kylo repeated while you were silent, thinking.

You hid a smile, knowing you had him (mostly) wrapped around your finger. And you know what else was on your finger? That pretty, blue and gold ring. Well, right now it was in the bathroom, but still.

“Yes. Sorry. Let’s go—” your eyebrows shot up, “Oh, I don’t even know what’s playing! We should check,”

Kylo put the suitcase by the door, “Doesn’t matter. It’ll be a surprise. Put on a jacket,”

So fucking bossy.

You went to grab your jacket, then walked to the bathroom, putting on the ring he got you yesterday. The gold and blue looked so nice on your skin. You were so glad that you’d have the ring forever to be reminded of Kylo.

When you left the hotel and got to a random car rental place, Kylo picked an SUV so you could lay down the seats in the back and have space. Kylo _especially_ needed the space with his long ass legs.

After you got the car that made it look like you had a family of five or something, Kylo stopped at a store, insisting that the two of you should bring your own snacks. It was cute watching Kylo look at all of the different candies in the store. Tired of Swedish Fish, Kylo got M&Ms and a few pops for you both to share. You didn’t take Kylo as a soda drinking guy, after all, you’d never seen him drink anything but water, so it was weird to see him pick those out like a little kid or something.

While he was doing that, though, his phone started to ring again, just like it’d been doing all day, same as yesterday. He told you it was ‘no one’ last night and you didn’t want to ask again. It really wasn’t any of your business, no matter how curious you were.

Kylo muted his phone.

When you got to the drive-in, you found out that the movie was an older one that was only going to be there for the weekend. You and Kylo were watching _The Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind_. It kind of made you wish there was technology out that could wipe your memory of Kylo, just like in the movie. But then again, you wanted to remember how good he made you feel.

Even if it would hurt later.

Kylo was very serious about setting up the back. He didn’t let you help as he put the sheets, pillows, and blankets down. Sheets were for the ‘floor’ of the car because Kylo was afraid of all of the germs, pillows were for sitting on, maybe laying on if you got a little too comfy, and blankets were for, well, they were for what blankets are normally for.

Luckily though, the air wasn’t too cold, especially to what you and Kylo were used to, so the blankets you had were just fine in keeping you warm as you finally got to settle in the back, the trunk of the car open, eyes on the screen.

You spent most of the movie drinking your soda, eating your candy, cuddling up to Kylo. His hand stayed on your inner thigh or around your shoulder as you both watched. It felt cute, like a date. Like you’d go home after, talk about your upcoming week, gossip about all of the annoying get-togethers your friends were hosting.

This just felt so normal.

“Fuck, I forgot how sad this movie is,” you commented halfway through, Kylo’s M&Ms that you stole in your mouth, “Jesus,”

Kylo took back his little box of candies, “It’s not that sad,”

“How do you not find this sad? It’s so fucking sad. They loved each other and then just— _poof_ —no memory of the other’s existence anymore,”

Kylo popped a few M&Ms in his mouth and replied, “They chose that,”

“Yeah…but I think the worst part is that—wait, you’ve seen this, right?”

“Yes,” Kylo glanced down at you for a moment, a judgmental look on his face, “I saw it shortly after it came out. How long did it take you to watch it? Until last year?”

“Okay, fuck off,” you scoffed, then continued, “Anyway, the worst part is that even though they don’t remember each other, they’re like soulmates or whatever—” you explained, Kylo’s focus entirely on you even though you were interrupting the movie for him “—and they want to try again with their relationship after finding the tapes. They’re just _meant to be_ together. I guess I just find it sad because I wish they never erased their memories in the first place. It just leaves me feeling so empty. I love this movie, though,” you finally finished.

“Soulmates don’t exist and those two—” Kylo pointed to Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet on the screen, “Those two will never be happy. That’s just who they are. It’ll never work,”

Your eyes were wide, looking at Kylo, “You don’t believe in soulmates?”

He looked around, confused, “No? Does anyone, really? Do _you_?”

“Yes,”

Kylo laughed at you, “Seven billion people on planet Earth and you believe there’s only one person for you?”

You frowned, “Of course I do,”

“Do you also believe in astrology or something?”

“…yes,”

A smirk.

Kylo was fucking smirking at you.

“Of course you do, sweet girl. Of course you do,” Kylo leaned down to kiss your cheek, but you dodged him, annoyed. He smiled again, feeling light, “Is my little angel offended?”

You rolled your eyes and looked back at the screen, “Fuck off. Astrology is dope as fuck and so are soulmates. Your soul is black and you better stop with the smiles before I punch you,”

“So she is, I see,” Kylo observed, moving a pillow to a spot next to you for some reason. Then, he started to do something he’d only done once or twice.

Kylo started to tickle you.

He tickled you and guided your head to lay on the pillow he just put down until you were on your back, him crawling over you. Kylo’s fingers jabbed into your sides and he kissed you playfully at your neck, tickling you more, “I love when my little hot head gets angry. So feisty sometimes, like when I met you,”

You couldn’t be mad at him when he was like this. Who gave a fuck if he thought astrology was dumb or that soulmates weren’t real? Well, you did, but not right now. You’d give him shit for that later.

You were giggling and hitting him on the back to get off of you, but also loving this so much, “Kylo! Quit!”

“Shh, you’re going to ruin the movie for these other people if you keep being so loud,” Kylo whispered in your ear, still poking at your sides. He was being so fun. He was being so lovely. He was being so _him_. Kylo tickled you harder, trying to get you to laugh more, but also teasing you, “I like when you’re loud most of the time when I’m on top of you, but not now, little love,”

You covered your mouth with your hand and laughed into it. You swore you felt a few, small chuckles of Kylo’s on your neck. He stopped after a few seconds and faced you again. It was so nice to see him smile.

Especially if you were the reason.

As he hovered over you, Kylo just kind of…looked at you for a moment, both of your smiles slowly fading while you stared up at him, and him down at you. You reached your hand to his hair, tucking a piece behind his ear.

“I love your ears. A-And I love when you’re like this, Kylo,” you said quietly, picking your head up off of the pillow and nudging your nose with his, like he always did to you. You put your head back down and went on, “I love how fun you get…how playful you are with me,”

Kylo knit his brow for a millisecond, like maybe he wanted to frown, “I do, too,”

A pause.

A heavy, sobering pause.

Kylo spoke again, still quiet.

“I’ll be so lonely without you, little angel,”

His statement made your chest feel like something had just gotten dropped on it. You reached up to his cheek, holding it, both of your faces serious, “When I leave? You’ll be lonely when I leave, Kylo?”

He gave you the smallest, faintest nod.

Kylo _was_ so lonely. No family. A demanding job he’d had for a long time, luckily that he was now free of, but still recovering from. No job to lean back on at all. No real people to call his own, you thought. He was so lonely. He’d _been_ lonely. But then you stumbled into him because of that fucking TV, and now here you were.

Making him less lonely.

And he made you feel less lonely, too. It’s not like you were all that social, even though you were outgoing. Your mom, Nicky, and Kelstra were your people. That was it.

But Kylo was part of that now, too…and he was about to be ripped from it.

In an instant, Kylo’s head was buried in your neck. He wasn’t kissing you. He wasn’t doing anything. He just had his head there. Resting on you. Feeling you. Craving your presence, your touch, your smell, maybe. Then, you felt a small, teensy whisper on your skin, Kylo talking into your neck.

“I haven’t felt like this in so long,”

“Felt like what?” your voice was hushed, quiet, _delicate._

He picked his head up, looking at you again, and giving your nose a nudge, “Like Ben,”

As soon as the name came out of his mouth, his jaw tensed, as if Kylo didn’t mean to say it. Here was this name, coming up again.

 _Ben_.

“Kylo, who’s Ben?” you asked quietly, brushing your thumb over his cheekbone, “Will you please tell me? He seems important,”

Kylo waited for a moment, thinking, his eyes going between the both of yours, but decided to stop there. he got off of you and sat normally in the back again, his eyes on the screen. Kylo was ignoring you. He was ignoring himself, too, it seemed.

You sat up and furrowed your brow, tugging on his arm, “Kylo, you brought it up and have brought it up the last few days. I want to know, Kylo. You can’t just stop talking,”

“Yes, I can,” he replied softly, still looking at the movie, not really watching. Just staring.

“Why won’t you just tell me? Is it really that serious? I mean, come _on_ ,” you tugged on the sleeve of his shirt again.

He still ignored you.

You crossed your arms and scooted away from Kylo to the other side of the car. If he didn’t want to talk, fine. You weren’t going to force him, but you also weren’t going to pretend like it wasn’t shitty for him to always stonewall you.

This always fucking happened. One day after the other, Kylo would freeze up like this. You were always loved on, talked to, then pushed away and ignored for something he usually brought up himself. Frustration couldn’t begin to describe the feeling it gave you.

Kylo didn’t talk for the rest of the movie, and you didn’t either. When you drove back to the hotel, the car was silent, too. You were frustrated, and it was clear to see as your arms were still crossed. Kylo was…well, you couldn’t tell what Kylo was. He looked a little mad, a little sad, and a little confused. His expression was one you couldn’t quite gauge anymore.

You just wished that he’d talk to you.

When you got back to the hotel, you figured you’d go to the one place he’d never want to be. You closed the door to the bathroom and ran the tub water to fill it. You poured some complimentary bubble bath soap into the water and started undressing to get in.

This morning started off with you ignoring him in the bathroom, and that’s how it was ending, too.

Maybe you weren’t supposed to be with Kylo.

Maybe it was for the best you were leaving soon.

You sank down in the big tub, the hot water swallowing you. It felt like you were in a warm, safe blanket. But you were still sad. You just wanted Kylo to talk to you, tell you things. You’d come so far.

You felt like a balloon that had air slowly seeping out of it.

Soon after you’d gotten in, there was a soft knock at the door.

“Kylo, I’m in the bath!” you called out, tone flat. You hoped it’d make him leave you alone.

It didn’t.

The door slowly opened and you covered yourself, tucking your knees to your chest and hugging them, “What do you _need_?”

Kylo had his hand on his forehead, rubbing it, and his other hand on his hip, “Can I get in?”

“You don’t even like baths,” you spit out, probably a little too harsh.

“I like _you_ , though,” he said quietly, taking off his shirt, “I want to be close and tell you things you want to know,”

You let your legs relax in the bath, “Things about Ben?”

“Yes,” Kylo was still undressing as he spoke, “Things about him,”

Your eyes went down to the water and you scooted backward, giving Kylo room to get in and letting him know it was okay to. When he finally stepped in and sat, you both were kind of awkward, sitting there for a moment, waiting. _You_ were waiting for _him_ and _he_ was waiting to find a place to start, you figured.

“So, who’s Ben?” you asked, making the first move in the conversation, “And why do you have his book? And why have you asked me to call you that…sometimes?”

Kylo’s eyes were at the wall behind you and he brought his hand up to his face, rubbing his forehead again, “It’s—” he took a small pause before continuing, “It’s me. The book is mine,”

“Uh,” you laughed a little, thinking he was joking, “Sure, and my real name is Angel. Who’s Ben?”

He finally looked at you, his expression serious, “That was my name,”

“B-But your name is Kylo. It’s Kylo Ren,” you sat up straight in the bath, very interested, “I don’t understand,”

“People can change their names, little angel,” Kylo told you, his voice soft. He looked tired.

It was weird. You felt your heart rate pick up. You had no reason to be insanely surprised, after all, you really hadn’t known him for long, but you were still a bit shocked.

“Um, oh,” your mind went crazy for a moment as you paused, “So—So your name is… _Ben_?”

He nodded, “My birth name,”

“Oh,”

It was quiet for a second.

“Why’d you change it?”

Kylo got a little uncomfortable. He looked down at the water for a moment before speaking, “I was trying to separate myself,”

You scooted a little closer to him in the water, hoping that was okay, and asked, “From?”

“A lot of things. My parents were one,” he explained slowly, carefully, “I used to feel a lot of hate,”

“But not anymore?”

Kylo’s hand lightly brushed yours in the water, “Not as much anymore,”

“So…your name is Ben Ren?”

He laughed a little, staring at the water still, “No, not that. Ren is a changed name,”

You giggled a little, too, “Oh okay. Ben Ren sounds weird, anyway. So, what’s your whole birth name?”

Kylo’s smile faded.

He’d only said ‘Ben’ once. You noticed the way he was refusing to say it now. But you wanted him to. You also _really_ wanted to know his last name.

But you didn’t want to make him too uncomfortable.

“Um, that’s okay,” you started, changing the subject on making him say his original name, “Uh, well do you want me to call you Ben now? You’ve been asking me to c—”

“No,” Kylo shook his head, “Kylo’s my name now,”

You slowly nodded in understanding.

He added softly, “Maybe sometimes, though. When I ask,”

“When you ask me to, does it make you feel…uh, I don’t know the word,” you thought for a minute, “I guess, does it make you feel nice? Or good, maybe? Is that why you ask?”

You felt his fingertips on top of yours, resting at the bottom of the tub as he replied, “It makes me feel good, yes. Like home,”

Kylo cleared his throat.

“But you make me feel like that a lot, anyway,” he added.

“Like home?”

Kylo reached out and starting to pull you toward him by your hips, “Come here,” you moved over Kylo, straddling him. Your arms were around his neck, his wrapped all the way around your waist, holding you close.

Kylo continued, “Yes, you make me feel like home,”

“And you said I make you feel like Ben?”

He nodded, then slowly as ever, said, “Yes, like Ben…Solo,”

What a lovely name for a lovely human.

“Ben Solo,” you whispered, repeating his name just to say it, “Ben Solo is a nice name. Kylo is nice, too…so you changed your name to leave your old life behind?”

“Mhm,”

You pursed your lips for a moment, “But I sometimes make you feel like your…old life? Or how you were? I’m just trying to understand,”

“Yes, you do,”

Your fingers played with the ends of his long hair near the nape of his neck, just like he always did to you, “And that’s good?”

“I think so,” Kylo replied, looking at your hair, not your eyes. That was okay.

You leaned forward, kissing him on his lips with just a peck, “Good. I—I want to be good like you’re good for me, Kylo,”

With that, Kylo kissed you, long and hard. It didn’t stay that way for long though. Soon, emotions took over as you kissed. It was going faster and sloppier, you both just trying to dissolve into one another.

“You’ve always been good for me,” Kylo breathed, “From the start,”

“Really?”

“My baby,” he kissed you harder, his fingertips digging into your skin, “Yes,”

Between kissing, you and Kylo were breathing hard and fast on each other’s lips, trying to get as much air as possible so you could go back to kissing the other in a matter of milliseconds. Kylo kept his arms around you, holding you tight against him, while your hands were moving from his neck, to his face, to his hair. You had to touch him everywhere.

You heard Kylo sigh in your kiss, which was always so sexy to you. He enjoyed this. He wanted this. He wanted _you_.

Reaching down, you grabbed his cock, feeling it, “I want you, Kylo. Do you w—”

“All the time,” he interrupted you, “But not in the water,”

You frowned, “Fuck, I forgot,”

One of Kylo’s hands left your skin, only for a moment, to lift the drain of the tub, getting the water out. He was instantly back to kissing you again, a little rougher this time. As the water slowly disappeared, Kylo kissed down to your breasts while you put your fingers in his hair, closing your eyes, and inhaling sharply every time he flicked his tongue on your nipple. He sucked and kissed you there, enjoying it, himself, as much as you were.

In an instant and without even having to try and search for them, his lips were on yours again as the water was almost gone.

“I—” Kylo started, breathing on your lips, “I just—”

He stopped himself.

“Hm?” you hummed, sitting up a little, taking his cock in your hand again and lining it up with your cunt, ready to feel him inside of you for the first time in like 48 hours, not that you were counting.

Kylo shook his head, “Never mind, go ahead, little angel,”

You took his face in your hands, wanting to be close, and pressed your forehead on his. Both of your eyes were open, on each other, taking labored breaths, getting ready for the initial feeling of his cock pushing into you. It was perfect every single time.

“Kylo, I just want you to know I’m going to miss this. How this feels with you. All of it,” you said, giving him nudge on the nose and no chance to respond as you sank down slowly, his cock filling you, stretching you, fitting perfectly inside of you.

He kept his forehead on yours for only a second before burying his head in your neck, grunting into it, before facing you again a moment later, “You feel so good,” he whispered, his hands on your hips, helping you get into a motion.

You were pulling his hair a little, your lips parted, eyelids heavy, feeling everything.

After a bit, you noticed that your knees were slippery against the bottom of the bathtub, and it was a little difficult to maintain the movement you and Kylo had found comfortable. You slipped a little, sending your body forward, onto Kylo’s chest. Your head bumped his and you froze, embarrassed.

Then, Kylo started to laugh.

Like, a cute, giggle of a laugh.

You covered your face with your hands, “Oh my God, stop laughing. It’s not funny!” you were embarrassed, your cheeks hot. You put your hands back on his shoulders, “Let’s try again, okay?”

As he was still smiling, little chuckles leaving his lips, you tried to move yourself on him again. Your knee slipped.

Kylo laughed more and held your waist, “No more, sweet girl. I don’t think it’ll happen here or one of us is going to end up with bruises,”

You started to laugh, too, finally. Your head was hurting from the bump and the fact that he was still inside of you made the situation only funnier. This was so dumb. So fucking dumb and so fucking funny.

You also got to see and hear Kylo laugh, and that was better than sex.

Well, maybe not _better_ , but it was up there.

“Do you wanna go to the bed?” your giggles died down to a smile, “So we can just do it there?”

Kylo shrugged, a small smile still on his face, too, “It’d be safer, but I think I’d just like to keep you like this for now,”

You were about to say something, but noticed something else. The wrinkles next to his eyes as he smiled were your favorite, and rare. You kissed them quickly before he stopped smiling.

“Sorry, I just—I love those. Okay well, do you want me to get off?” you asked, sitting up a little, ready to move, “We can just get out of the tub now,”

He shook his head, “No, no. I like you here. Put your forehead on mine again, little love, so you’re nice and close for a bit,”

“Okay,” you went back to wrapping your arms around Kylo’s neck, forehead on his, “This better?”

“Always,”

 _Always_.

But not forever.

Kylo wasn’t smiling anymore as he noted, “Tomorrow’s our last day in Texas,”

And when you’d get back to New York on Sunday, it’d be your last day with Kylo. You had two full days left, one of which would be on a plane, taking up four or five hours of time that could be spent reading with him, kissing him, _anything_ really.

Fuck.

You made a pouty face, “Damn, what are we going to do tomorrow?”

“Not sure yet,” Kylo kissed your lips for just a second before returning his forehead to yours, “Have you enjoyed it here, though?”

Some moments had been a little rough, sure, but overall, you really enjoyed this city. And this fucking dude.

“Yes. I love Austin…and I’ve loved it with you,” you added, a bit nervous as the words came out.

“I like visiting, too,” Kylo said softly, “It’s much better than the last time I was here,”

He was being so chatty for the usual ‘Kylo’ you got. You loved it.

“Oh, good,”

Kylo kept going, “I’m ready to be back in our bed, though. It’s a lot more comfortable than the one here,”

You nodded, “Good thing we’ll be back there soon, and yeah, your bed is pretty comfy,”

“You’re pretty comfy, too,”

“I bet you say that to all the girls,” you teased, dramatically rolling your eyes and smiling. Kylo always seemed to know what was comfortable for the both of you while sleeping and was comfortable in _general_ with sleeping next to another person, unlike you who’d never really done that. You figured he’d slept with girls a billion times.

“I don’t sleep with people,” he started, then quickly clarified, “I mean, I don’t _go_ to sleep…like how I do with you,”

Your mouth was suddenly very dry and your throat started feel like it was being squeezed. He only slept, _really_ slept, with you, if he was actually telling the truth. You were so happy. You were also so sad. He wouldn’t sleep next to you much longer. You wouldn’t sleep next to _him_ much longer. Who’d be the next for both of you? It didn’t feel right, thinking of someone taking your place. It felt especially wrong thinking of someone who’d take _Kylo’s_ place. You knew they never really would.

You managed to ask, “Just me?”

“Just you,”

You gave a small smile, but your eyes looked everywhere but his. You had to concentrate on not telling him you loved him or that you wanted to stay _every_ day and sleep next to him _every_ night, but now felt especially hard. You just wanted him to know. You tried to drop hints, but it never seemed to work, and you’d never come right out and say it. If he wanted you in his house, he had to be the one to tell you. That was on him.

As Kelstra always said: ‘If he wanted to, he would’

It just sucked that it was seeming like he _didn’t_ want to, and he _wouldn’t_ want to.

“You know, little angel,” Kylo started suddenly, making you look at him again, stopping your thoughts, “Sometimes it feels like you’ve always been here…like you knew just where to fit. It’s kind of funny,”

You concealed a small sound of you clearing your throat and replied, “Like I’ve always been here…with you?”

“With me, yes,”

It felt like that to you, too. That’s why everything was so fast. The affection. The feelings. The love. It was like you’d always been here. You couldn’t take it anymore. You needed to remove yourself from this before you started to cry or something. Kylo was being too much as he pretended like he loved you.

You gave him a polite smile and shifted to get off of him, “It’s been a long day, Kylo. I’m tired,”

“I’m tired, too,” Kylo took your hand and started to stand up with you, “Do you want to go to bed, little love?”

_Little love._

He was slowly killing you every second.

“Yes, I want to go to bed,”

Kylo, of course, toweled you off before he did himself after you got out. He was feeling extra sweet tonight, probably from a combination of feeling bad for last night and sharing his past with you or something. You were holding onto everything, though.

Everything.

Because you only had two days left. 


	22. married with kids and a dog.

**** Day Twenty-Eight. ** **

The sun was out with not a cloud in the sky. People were out, too. The city was buzzing again on this Saturday afternoon and everyone you saw was smiling. It was like a utopia or something today. Good moods, good weather, good everything.

And that included how it was with you and Kylo.

It was a really good day so far.

You sat in a big park across the river from the city, the skyline peeking out over the trees. There were lots of people at the big park today. Lots of kids playing, lots of frisbees whizzing through the air, lots of lunch picnics.

You were part of the last group.

A blanket was laid down on the grass and you were stuffing your face with takeout. Kylo was, too.

“This was a good idea, Kylo. You’re so smart,” you were chewing on your sweet and sour chicken, so content with life, “You said this is where you came when you were here?”

“Mhm—” Kylo’s phone started to vibrate, so he declined the call midsentence, “—I sat at a bench somewhere by the parking lot we came in at and did some work while I ate from this place,” he told you, pointing at your food.

“That sounds relaxing,” you put a piece of your chicken on your fork and held it up, “Oh, want to try?”

Kylo opened his mouth, so you fed him your chicken. Then, he did the same to you, letting you try his. You were feeding each other. And smiling. And you had to bite your tongue off basically to not say ‘I fuckin’ love you’.

You got a little shy and looked back at your food again, avoiding Kylo. You were getting wrapped the fuck up in this. At first, you enjoyed the love and didn’t give a fuck if it hurt you later. Now that you had only tomorrow left, your last full day, you were scared as shit of how you’d feel, how you’d react, what would happen. You were trying your best to keep the distance.

But he was being so sweet these past few hours and yesterday, and it only made you want to lean into it.

Kylo turned around suddenly, then spotted something, “Look at that chick over there,”

“Um—” you furrowed your brow, angry he was calling women ‘chicks’ and eyeing them, “What?” you turned around, too, and tried to find who he was looking at, but damn it was sunny as fuck and you had to squint. You muttered, “Jesus, the sun is bright today,”

Kylo’s hand raised a little in the air, and you felt your eyes relax. They were being shaded. By Kylo’s hand. Because he wanted to block the sun for you.

You swallowed, cheeks heating, and forgot what you were supposed to be looking at.

“Over there, little angel,” Kylo discreetly pointed with his other hand to someone across the big park, “Do you see the baby? Dressed up like a little chicken?”

You found it.

And it was so fucking cute. Why dress your child up in a chick costume in February to go to the park, you didn’t know—but damn, it was cute.

“Oh my God, I love that,” you grinned. You really thought he was talking about a fucking lady.

Kylo turned back around, but kept his hand above you, still shielding your eyes, “I thought you would,”

A moment later, you went back to eating and scooted closer to Kylo on the blanket. As you took a big bite of your food, Kylo kissed the top of your head casually, then ate more of his. It was a good fucking day.

When you were done, you talked for a bit. Well, it was mostly you talking, but Kylo always listened. The way he looked at you was like you were the only person ever. You wondered if he listened this intently to most people. For one moment, he got another call and just decided to turn his phone completely off for the day. You ignored it and didn’t ask.

The park started to get a bit crowded and Kylo was annoyed with all of the chatter and busy noise, so you both decided to leave. Maybe it was the general good vibes of today, the fact that the car was so quiet, or maybe it was just Kylo being Kylo, but as soon as you got into the car, he wanted to kiss you. Like, _really_ kiss you. Like, _makeout_ kiss you. Kylo’s hand was kneading your thigh, his tongue moving with yours instantly, taking you by surprise a little.

“Let’s get in the back, sweet girl,” Kylo said, his voice low, “It could be fun trying not to be seen,”

Getting arrested for sex in public didn’t sound that sexy to you.

You giggled, “No, you freak!”

“My good girl,” his hand moved further up, between your legs, “But I want you to be bad,”

You pushed his chest a little, telling him to quit, “We can _not_ get arrested. I don’t have the kind of money where I can pay people off to not look at my record or whatever rich people do,” you smiled, but you were actually 100% serious.

Kylo was absentmindedly playing with your fingers, like you always did to him, and said matter-of-factly, “You’ll have lots of money soon,”

“Not really,” you started, “I only want to give Nicky and my mom what they need, have extra for my rent, then I was planning on sending the rest back to you,”

“What?” his hands left your skin.

While it’d be nice to have all of that leftover money, you didn’t need it. You just wanted to be normal. You wanted to get a nice job at a museum, live a typical city life, and either give the money back to Kylo, or donate it to a charity or something.

You leaned back a little in your seat, away from him at his reaction, “Yeah…I really don’t need all of that. I wasn’t even planning on anyone bidding that mu—”

“You’re keeping it,” Kylo said, very seriously.

You laughed and shrugged, “I’m not, but whatever,”

“Yes, you are,”

“No, I’m not,” you frowned.

“We’re not talking about this anymore,” Kylo rolled his eyes, “You’re keeping it,”

Whatever he wanted to tell himself, sure.

“You’re annoying,” you laughed, nudging his arm with your hand, “Fine, I’ll keep it,” you lied.

“You never listen,” he started to play with your fingers again, “What do you want to do now, hot head?”

“I dunno,” you shrugged, then just started thinking out loud. You swore your thoughts were always all over the place and it probably bugged the fuck out of Kylo, “Did you know that Matthew McConaughey lives here? He has a house in Austin. I bet it’s so big,”

“Do you want to try and find it?”

You took his hand and moved it to your lips, kissing his knuckles lightly, before putting it on your thigh, “His _house?_ ”

Kylo nodded.

“That’s sweet but I doubt we’d actually find it. We can just hit up Google for other things to do,”

“Do you like to look at houses?” Kylo asked, a thought clearly popping into his head.

“I browse Zillow a fuck ton,” you giggled, “So, yeah,”

Kylo smiled a little, then put the car in drive, “Okay,”

“Oh, where are we going?”

“To look at the pretty houses on the river, little love,” Kylo said plainly, his big hand giving your thigh a small squeeze, “It’s a pretty day to drive around,”

Your heart was so warm and so big.

“Okay,” you put your hand on his and buckled up, ready to look at houses.

\--

After not long of driving, Kylo found some of the bigger houses outside of Austin, near the river.

They were mansions.

Straight up fucking mansions.

You weren’t sure how Kylo was so charming, but as you approached a gate to the bigger houses, he talked his way into getting in, telling the person in the little room that the two of you had a friend that lived there and you wanted to surprise them. Kylo was being friendly, working his charm or whatever, and it was the first time you’d see him like this to another human. He was usually kind of mean.

When you got let in, it was like heaven’s pearly gates just opened for you.

“Holy fuck!” you squealed, staring out of the window, your eyes basically on the glass, “I bet you these motherfuckers only have like two kids and they’ve got all this space!”

You passed more houses, and as you went further into the rolling hills, they only got bigger.

“Do you want a big house, little angel?” Kylo asked casually, also looking at the passing houses.

“Oh my God, look at that one!” you pointed at a really big and pretty one, “And uh, no. I mean, I like space but not this much. It seems like a waste of money. I think I’d just really want an extra room and a pool and I’d be happy,”

“Hm,”

Kylo pointed at a black house, looking like it’d be fit for a vampire, “I like that one,”

“I’m sure you do,” you put your hand on his that was resting on the center console. Kylo quickly made your hand be on the bottom, switching places. As Kylo drove, he ran his fingers along yours, back and forth.

This was a feeling you’d miss so much.

Little touches.

You kept going down the street, ogling at the fancy shmancy life of these strangers, when Kylo stopped in front of one house, parking on the curb.

“Um?” you looked over at Kylo, confused, “What’s up?”

Kylo leaned over you and opened your door, then motioned for you to get out. You just sat there for a second, not moving, because what the fuck? But then, Kylo got out of his door and stepped around the car, onto the sidewalk.

“Come here,” Kylo opened your door all the way.

You slowly got out of the car, eyebrows knit, “Are we going on like…a walk around the neighborhood or something?”

“No,” he took your hand and started walking, “This one has an open house right now. See the sign?”

There was a big sign right in front of this big ass mansion that you missed.

**OPEN HOUSE**

**Saturday, Feb. 28th**

**9AM-3PM**

“Don’t we need an appointment or something?” you asked, tugging on Kylo’s arm, “I don’t wanna intrude, Kylo. We’re not even really supposed to be here,”

He didn’t look at you, his eyes set on the front door up the long flight of stairs across the large front yard, “I never need an appointment anywhere I go. We’re fine,”

“Christ almighty,” you muttered, ready to be turned down immediately by the poor real estate agent inside. It annoyed you how cocky Kylo could be.

When you finally got up the stairs, Kylo just walked right in the door. No knock. No slow entrance to make sure it was okay. He just went in.

An older lady with big, teased brown hair, a leopard print dress, and tall as a skyscraper high heel, leather boots, walked to the main ‘foyer’ or whatever this room was in the front that rich people had.

“My word! Are y’all my one o’clock? Didn’t know I had one!” she smiled, her teeth white as can be, lined with red, red lipstick, and a thick, country accent dancing with her words. This was the first time you heard an accent like _this_ since you’d been here and it was glorious. She went on, walking to you and Kylo, “I’m Christy!”

Christy stuck out her hand, and you immediately beat Kylo to it, loving this lady already, “Oh hi, Christy. I’m uh—I’m Angel. I hope it’s okay we came by. We noticed a—an open spot and just decided to pop in,” you lied.

Her handshake was strong, not dainty, and it made you love her more.

“Well that’s perfectly fine!” she let go of your hand and went to shake Kylo’s, “And you are?”

Kylo cleared his throat a little, “Ren,”

“Lovely, lovely! Ren and Angel. What fun names!” Christy let go of Kylo’s hand and started to walk more into the house, “Well, tell me about you two! Married? Kids? Lots of rooms for kids in this space,”

You sputtered, “Uh, wel—”

“Both,” Kylo interrupted you, “And a dog,”

Married. With kids. And a dog.

You peeked up at Kylo as you walked. He winked at you.

“Well I’ll be darned, Angel. You just look so young! You’ll love that when you’re _my_ age! Sometimes I feel like I’ve aged like a darn banana!” she laughed, probably thinking you were in your late twenties instead of early twenties because of the whole ‘married with kids and also shopping for six million-dollar homes’ thing.

“Yup!” you lied, “Baby face, haha. I’m lucky, I guess,”

Christy led you both into the main living room. High ceilings. Tall windows. A perfect view of the backyard with a pool. Big ass fireplace. White walls with black accents. It was a fucking DREAM.

But all of the white was probably a nightmare to Kylo.

She spoke again, sitting down on a couch, motioning for you and Kylo to sit on the other one, “How old are y’all’s kids?”

As you sat, Kylo made sure to put an arm around you, holding you close, keeping up the charade. Also, it was a way for him to hide his left hand for now because he didn’t have a ring. You moved the gold and blue ring from your middle finger to your ring finger quickly, getting comfortable on the couch and Kylo seemed to notice. He leaned down a little, kissing your ear before whispering into it.

“It looks nice there, love,”

“So, how old are those kids of yours? Sorry I got distracted, my husband keeps texting me,” Christy laughed, putting her phone away, giving you no chance to respond to Kylo, even though what he said made your heart stop a little.

He looked down at you, his brows furrowed and asked, “How old is Padmé now? Two?”

“Uh,” you nervously laughed and glanced at Christy, “Almost two, yes. Next week,”

Kylo, without missing a beat, put his hand on your stomach, making you jump a little, “And one in here. Early, though. Can’t really tell,”

Goddamn he was good at lying.

Christy’s jaw dropped, “Oh my goodness gracious! Congratulations! I remember when I had my first—I have _four_ now, can you believe it? They’re all grown and livin’ away from here—When I had my first, it was so hard. My second was a breeze! How wonderful!”

You smiled and felt Kylo’s hand rubbing up and down your back as you replied, “Oh, it’s nice to hear the second is better for some, haha. Our first—” you peeked up at Kylo, trying to remember the name he used, “Padmé…was hard, right Ky—” you cleared your throat, “Right, Ren?”

“Mhm,” Kylo nodded, “She’s tough,”

Good Lord, you two were going right to hell.

The conversation shifted to Christy asking about Kylo’s work, what the income looked like, and other basic screening questions, you guessed. You’d never been to anything like this before, obviously.

As Kylo talked with her, his hand was still moving on your back, always touching you.

Christy’s phone rang, a text sound, and she had to answer it quickly. As she typed, Kylo played with the ends of your hair, “Hi, baby,”

You blushed and smiled, “Hi?”

“You look so pretty,” Kylo whispered, “Always so pretty,”

“Shut up,” you rolled your eyes and giggled, slapping his thigh.

“This lady talks so much,” he lifted your hand, the one with the ring, and kept whispering, “But I can’t stop thinking about this little hand of yours and what’s on it,”

Your breathing was—well, you weren’t breathing at all anymore.

Kylo kissed the ring as you watched, wide-eyed, “You love your ring from me, little angel?”

You nodded.

“And you love your pretty necklace?”

You nodded again, feeling your collarbones with your other hand. You weren’t wearing the necklace today, but you felt the spot where it should be.

Kylo went on, his voice still hushed and his face close to yours, “And you love this city?”

“Mhm,” you hummed, just barely.

“What else?”

Your throat was so, so dry. Your lips parted and you squeaked out, “So much, you know that,”

You’d already played this game with each other the other night, saying the things you loved. It wasn’t fair that you loved him. When you both asked each other ‘what else’ a few nights ago, it was so hard to not say ‘you’.

Kylo made your hand hold his cheek, and he kept his own hand over yours, “Tell me what else you love,” he turned his head to kiss your palm, “Hm? What else does my baby love?”

You were about to fall over and die on this couch.

“What else I love?” you asked softly.

“Mhm,” Kylo kissed your palm again, “What else?”

Your heart was beating fast.

“I love reading with you,”

He smiled, “My little reader. I love how much you read. What else?”

“There’s another thing that I love so much,” you swallowed, “A-And it makes me so happy,”

Kylo nudged his nose on yours, “And what’s that?”

“I lo—”

“Oh my GOODNESS, my husband is just the funnie—” Christy looked at the two of you, focused on each other, your hand holding his cheek, knees touching, and shattering everything that was just built up, “Oh Mylanta, that honeymoon phase has lasted a while for y’all, huh? Oh, I’m telling Ricky about y’all when I get home, HOW CUTE!!”

Your cheeks were hot, Kylo’s face was red, and you were both sitting up straight now.

“Oh, haha, yeah,” you smiled, “Hasn’t gone away yet, I guess,”

Christy was ready to get back into talking about the house, so you had to go into normal mode again. It took a while to get your heart rate down and for your face to feel like it wasn’t going to explode from all of the blood rushing through it.

When that was done and the small talk and stuff was over, Christy stood, “Well, you two, I think you can manage looking around yourselves. I’ve got to call my darned husband for a bit, if you don’t mind. He needs help figurin’ out our TV remote! How funny is that! I’ll be on the back porch if you need me. Is that alright with y’all?”

It was funny, Kylo also wasn’t great with a TV remote.

“Perfect,” Kylo replied, giving her a small smile.

Christy was soon out of the back door, leaving you and Kylo alone in the big, big house to look around. Kylo took your hand and you started to explore.

The kitchen was huge—duh—with an island that was the size of your room back in NY, probably, and a fridge that could hold more food than you needed. There were also _so_ many fucking bathrooms. Like, so many. Just downstairs, there were like four.

You and Kylo were a little quiet as you walked around. Occasionally, you’d tell him to check something out, or he’d tell you to ‘look at this’, all while keeping your hand in his.

The hallways were confusing, but you went down one and found the master bedroom. You thought Kylo’s room was fucking huge. But this one? It was insane. They had a bed for show that you were pretty sure was a California King, and it somehow looked small compared the how big the room was. In the bathroom were two big closets, a huge, smart shower, and a gigantic ass bathtub.

“I bet you’d like getting in that, little angel,” Kylo said, giving your hand a squeeze.

You squeezed his hand back, “With you, yes,”

He said softly, walking out of the room with you, “I’d get in there with you, too,”

Mr _. ‘I hate baths’_ was looking more like Mr _. ‘I still hate baths but they’re okay with you’._

You went up the huge, spiral staircase finally, looking at all of the rooms up there. You found a game room, a movie room, and hella bedrooms and bathrooms. Rich people were so weird, needing rooms for people that didn’t exist. You figured _no one_ actually had ten rooms to fill, and if they did, they’d be poor from raising a family of that size.

One of the rooms was decorated like a kid’s room, complete with bunk beds and kid’s toys and shit. You peeked inside, then kept going down the hall, uninterested.

Kylo pulled you back. He was stopped at the door.

“Come here,” he tugged on your hand until you were in front of him, his hands around your waist, chin on the top of your head, both of you leaning on the door frame, looking inside the kid’s room.

“Cool, a kid’s room,” you commented sarcastically.

Kylo asked softly, “Do you think Padmé would like this room?”

You didn’t want to play pretend right now. It’d make you sad that it wasn’t real.

But you did anyway.

Quietly, you replied, “Yes. She can use the bottom bunk for herself and have the top for her friends when they spend the night when she gets older,”

“Hmm, that’s a good idea,” you felt Kylo nod above you, “What about this one?” he gave your lower stomach a little tickle.

Jesus fucking Christ.

“He’ll have his own room, duh,” you laughed softly, “But he’ll want it far away from Padmé. He’ll complain that she’s too loud. I think she’ll be a feisty one,”

Kylo dipped his head down to kiss your ear, then returned his chin to the top of your head, asking, “A hot head like you?”

“Mhm, a hot head like me,” you giggled, “And the other will be so moody and paint his room black and be an emo kid and I’d love him so much. He’d be like you, probably. I can’t imagine you as a teen. I don’t even want to know,”

You felt Kylo chuckle a little above you, “Sure, you could call me emo,”

“If he were like you though—” you began, “I just know he’d be so wonderful…emo and all—But wait, what’s his name? This one?” you squeezed Kylo’s hands on your stomach.

Kylo thought for a moment, the only sounds in the room being the scraping tree branches on the glass of the windows for a while.

“Do you like Han?” Kylo asked, feeling him press his body tighter against your back, really just trying to hold you, almost.

You nodded, “Sure. That’s a nice name. He can be Han,”

It was quiet again.

You spoke in the silence, “He’ll play baseball with you, like you did with your dad. You can play in the big front yard with Han and the dog. You’ll invite Padmé to play, but she won’t want to,” you shook your head as you created this fake story, “She’s not into baseball. She likes soccer better, so I watch her kick the ball around in the backyard while you’re in the front,”

“What kind of dog?”

“Hmmm…I like golden retrievers, but I don’t care. Just one that’ll like kids and bark at strangers,” you told Kylo, “What’s our dog’s name?”

He thought about it.

“Chewie?”

You giggled at the funny name, “Okay, Chewie, then,”

Kylo brushed your hair away from your neck, slowly kissing you there now, “What a pretty picture,” he whispered. Then, you felt his finger trace your ring, “A pretty, pretty picture, sweet girl,”

“Would there be any more?” you asked, tilting your head so he could kiss more of your neck, “Kids, I mean?”

“So many,” Kylo whispered, his breaths making the skin on your warm, “Only because I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off of you. There’d be so many and we wouldn’t be able to help it,”

You giggled a little, “And we’d have to get a big house like this? To keep them all in?”

“Mhm,” Kylo hummed, starting to suck on your neck, “And it’d always be noisy with laughing. I would want them to have your laugh, little angel,”

“Your laugh is just as nice…” you replied, your words trailing off.

You felt an ache for him in your heart and also between your legs. You wanted him in so many ways, but right now, you wanted him physically. You held his head at your neck, pulling his hair a little between your fingers, “It’d be such an easy life, wouldn’t it, Kylo?” you whispered, your eyes closing, feeling him, “It’d be easy and fun,”

He kissed to your jaw, then felt his forehead press against your temple, “So easy and fun, love,”

You finally turned around, stood on your toes, wrapped your arms around his neck, and kissed him. It didn’t even start out slow. It went right to fast and passionate, his hands all over you and both of your kisses needy. He tried to back you up into the room, but you shook your head and giggled, “Not in this kid’s room,”

“Fine,” Suddenly, Kylo picked you up, carrying you over his shoulder, going to a room without any kid’s shit in it. He went to the bathroom that was attached and put you down finally, “Over the counter or on it?”

You went to big, bathroom counter and leaned over it, “Over, hurry,”

“Oh my God,” Kylo was quickly hovering over you, your face on the granite, kissing your cheek, “I—fuck, okay,” his hands went under your hips, fumbling with your jean’s button and zipper. He pulled down your jeans and stood up straight, eyes on your ass. You were watching him from the mirror.

“You’re so perfect, love,” Kylo breathed, squatting behind you, kissing your cunt over your panties. You felt his big fingers hook the waistband of your underwear, pulling them down, as he stood back up. Kylo swallowed thickly, his hands shaking, trying to unbutton his own jeans while watching your face in the mirror.

“ _Hurry_ , Kylo,” you whined, desperate.

He finally tugged his pants down, kicking your legs a little further apart, and held his cock in his hand, pumping it slowly, then letting his tip move between your folds, coating it in your wetness, “Fuck, I’m not going to go slow,”

Impatiently, you whispered loudly, “Just fuck me!”

Kylo looked at you in the mirror and nodded, slamming his cock into you. Your hand went to your mouth, covering it as you yelped from pleasure, but Kylo swatted your hand away and leaned over you, saying, “She can’t hear you in this big house, love. You can be loud,” Kylo kissed your cheek, then pulled on your hair, making you pick your head back up and look at him in the mirror.

You felt him so deep and you loved the feeling of being fucked like this, except that it was hard to touch him. That was okay, though. You were just happy to see his face, even in a mirror. Kylo’s lips were parted, sometimes forming a little ‘o’ shape as he breathed, and his brows knit occasionally.

That’s when you knew he felt particularly good.

One hand holding your hair, pulling, the other at your waist, holding you, Kylo found a pace that felt so good for you both. It was hard and rough, sounds of his skin slapping on yours filled the room. You were also a good part of the noise in the room, your little whines, moans, and yelps that Kylo liked so much echoing in the bathroom.

“My girl,” Kylo pulled your hair and leaned down, both of you meeting each other, and kissed your temple, “All mine,”

You gripped the sink faucet to your right with white knuckles, “All yours, Kylo,”

“Ben,” he grunted, wanting you to call him his birth name right now.

“All yours, Ben,” you corrected yourself, squeezing your eyes shut, feeling like you were going to come any second, “Just like that, I’m close,”

“I can tell,” Kylo replied, lids heavy, “Touch yourself, love,”

Your hand shot down to your aching clit, where you started to rub circles into it. You were being louder now, the feeling of Kylo’s cock and the pleasure from your clit becoming too much. He let go of your hair, but you stayed watching him in the mirror, sometimes squeezing your eyes shut.

Then, like a truck hit you, so did your orgasm. You pressed your forehead into the granite below as the feeling washed over your body. It was so warm, so electrifying, and so releasing. Kylo, still thrusting behind you, leaned over, kissing your cheek like he always did as you came down.

“Can I use you to finish, sweet girl?”

You nodded and choked out, “Yes, please,”

Both of his hands were on your waist now, guiding them to meet his cock, slamming into you a little harder. He was trying to come, fast. You were still a little loopy, eyes glazed, ears ringing. You heard Kylo talking to you, but you couldn’t make out what he was saying. Something about this house and your made up kids and dog.

As soon as you were fully recovered, Kylo came, pressing himself on your back, head on your shoulder, low sounds leaving his lips and vibrating into your shirt. He stayed on you for a minute, breathing hard, not saying anything. At one point, his left hand found yours and placed it on top, tracing your ring as he kissed your shoulder.

“We should go,” you whispered, “We’ve been gone a bit,”

“You’re right,” Kylo whispered back, his lips moving from your shoulder back to your cheek, kissing you lightly, “But I want to stay right here,”

“Just like this?” you softly giggled. It was technically a weird side to see, you figured.

“Just like this, love,”

After a moment, you both finally stood straight, cleaning yourself up and trying to look presentable, like you didn’t just fuck upstairs in this random open house. In the mirror, you moved your hand over any bumps in your hair and wiped mascara away that was a little smudged under your eyes, “Okay, let’s go,” you smiled, taking Kylo’s hand.

Christy was still outside on the phone, thank God. You couldn’t imagine how mortified you’d be if she heard you or walked in and saw that shit.

“What do we do?” you asked Kylo, standing in the living room.

Kylo smirked, “We could always go upstairs again to that bathroom,”

“No,”

He gave you a fake pouty face and walked to the back door, knocking on the glass and waving at Christy. She quickly hung up the phone and came back inside, “Oh my! Time flies! How’d you like the house?

“We loved it,” Kylo answered, giving you a wink.

You agreed, “Mhm,”

“Oh, great! Well, are you two outta here?” she asked, hands on her hips.

Kylo nodded, “Yes, we are,”

Christy gave Kylo her card, “I hope you sure will consider this house and let me know if y’all have questions! Your lil family will just _thrive_ here, I know it. Oh—what’s the family name? I keep record of last names for people who come in,”

“Solo,” Kylo replied, without missing a beat.

“Well, I’ll be thinking of the _Solo_ family, then! I hope to hear back from y’all! You two are just too cute!” Christy said ‘cute’ like ‘key-yute’ and it made you want to take her home with you to New York. She led you to the front door and opened it, you and Kylo stepping outside, “Bye, now! It was a pleasure, Ren and Angel,”

You said goodbye and walked down the long stairs to the rental car on the curb.

You kind of forgot an outside world existed for the past hour.

“Wasn’t that fun, little angel?” Kylo asked, opening the car door for you.

“Yes,” you quickly stood on your toes, kissing his cheek. You usually felt a little weird doing that randomly, but right now, you didn’t care. You got in the car, buckling your seatbelt and continued, “I love having fun and playing pretend,”

Kylo looked down for a split-second, biting his lip, then gave you a short, “Me too,” before he closed the door, walking to his side of the car now.

You spent the rest of the day going into shops in the city. Kylo’s hand was always holding yours, tracing the ring that was still around your ring finger. Even though it was big on that particular finger, you didn’t move it and Kylo didn’t say anything or move it either. He just kept touching it, like he’d been doing since he got it for you.

Because you were out and because he’d already gotten _you_ such nice things, you made him get shit for himself. Mostly, you were just trying to get Kylo to buy shirts that were other colors than black or red. Kylo picked out a few, but only picked one color in each shirt.

Blue.

You didn’t talk about your pretend family at all for the rest of the day, just that Christy was funny and that the house was nice. No mention of the two kids that weren’t real. The marriage that wasn’t real. The dog that wasn’t real. Any of it.

You just went on like normal, laughing with Kylo, eating with him, holding his hand, pretending like this wasn’t going to be over by Monday morning.

When you went to bed that night, you felt a weird pain in your chest. Perhaps you were dramatic, but it felt like your heart was breaking. This was the second to last time you were going to sleep with him, your head on his shoulder, leg across his body.

You didn’t want to leave.

But you were about to.

“Kylo?” you whispered his name in the dark hotel room, your hand on his chest, feeling it move up and down from breathing.

“Hm?”

“I love this,”

A beat.

His voice was soft, “I know,”

“You do, too,” you said quietly but confidently. You knew he loved this. Maybe not you, but _this._

“I know,” Kylo repeated.

“Goodnight,”

“Goodnight,”

One more day to play pretend. 

One. More. Day.


	23. the accident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you are emotionally connected to this story (I hope everyone would be now because I feel like I shove emotions down your throat and have from the start, oops) then please, just prepare yourself, I guess. I really don’t have words for the next few chapters. or maybe I’m just too sensitive of a person idk. I had a really hard time writing this one. 
> 
> also, if there are spelling errors, no there aren't. pretend like they don't exist. I was in my feels. 
> 
> again, idk how you all feel about this fic/how emotional it gets you, but I just wanted to put this out there just in case. 
> 
> stick with me and happy reading.

**** Day Twenty-Nine. ** **

It was your last full day with Kylo.

And you had to spend the first few hours on a fucking plane. A cool, private plane—but a plane, no less.

You sat across from Kylo, both of you reading books, and occasionally looked out of the little window. This was not how you were wanting to spend your day at all. You loved to read with him, but you loved to read with him when he was _next_ to you, _holding_ you, _laying beside_ you. Not sitting across from you on a little plane.

“What?” Kylo was looking up at you from his book.

You didn’t realize you were staring.

“Nothing,” your eyes shot back down to the page you were ‘reading’ although, you weren’t focused on the words, just that you had about 23 hours left with him.

His long legs kicked yours and Kylo closed his book, setting it on the table next to him, “Come here,”

“Uh, I’m not sitting on the floor,”

Kylo patted his thigh.

You rolled your eyes and looked back at your book as you told him, “Your leg is going to fall asleep. I don’t really like sitting on your lap—”

“Come here, now,” his tone was stern.

You took a deep breath, folded the page of your book a little as a bookmark, and unbuckled, walking the four feet to Kylo. He was holding out his arms to take your waist before you sat down, guiding you on his lap. Your legs hung off of the side of his seat and your arms naturally moved to be around his neck, with his around your waist still, holding you on him, “Okay…what’s up? I’m here,”

“You were staring,” Kylo said, his voice a little raspy and his eyes tired, “What were you thinking about, little angel?”

You bit your lip, wondering if you should tell him. You did, “I uh, I was just thinking that I don’t want to spend the rest of the day not beside you—that sounds weird um, it’s just that we don’t have much time and I want to make sure I spend every second next to you,”

Oh God, that was too much.

“Uh, that was weird and it came out wrong—”

Kylo interrupted you, “We can do that,”

“Be close?”

He picked up his book and bounced you on his lap a little, “Go get your book and come back,”

You hid a smile and got your book, returning to Kylo’s lap. You both read silently, with him occasionally kissing your cheek, only to go back to reading his book.

After ten minutes, you poked him, getting his attention, “Kylo, I feel bad. Is your leg asleep? Or hurting? I don’t have to sit here anymore,”

“It’s fine,” Kylo went back to reading, adjusting his legs under you, “Stay,”

He knit his brow for a millisecond, and you could tell that—yes, maybe it was a little painful after a while.

“Kylo,” you giggled and tried to get off, “I’ll just g—”

Kylo held you tight with one hand, keeping you on him, and grabbed your face with the other, holding your jaw. His eyes were intense and he brought your face close to his. In a hushed but serious tone, Kylo said, “I want you…to _stay_ ,”

For a moment, you thought maybe this is what it would be like if he asked you to _really_ stay. Stay in his apartment with him. Stay in his bed every night.

Stay with _him._

“You want me to stay? Here?”

Kylo slowly nodded, “Yes. Here. With me,”

You pushed a piece of his hair behind his ear, “To read?”

He nodded.

“To watch TV,” Kylo said softly, adding on.

You peeked over at the TV in the wall of the plane, a little bummed he wasn’t talking about the TV at home.

He nudged your nose with his, “To cook,”

You laughed, “There’s no kitchen on his plane, dumb dumb,”

Kylo didn’t laugh. Not at first. He just looked at you, eyes void of an emotion you couldn't pick up on.

Then, he started to laugh, flipping some kind of switch, “Right. Obviously. To read, then,”

“Okay, but the second that all of the feeling in your leg is gone, I’m moving,” you told him, eyebrows raised.

“Okay, little angel,” he said, although it came out more like ‘yeah, whatever you say’.

You did get bored of reading after a bit, sighing and putting your book down. Kylo noticed.

“Maybe I do wanna watch TV now,” you shrugged, “You can keep reading, though,”

Kylo put his book down, too, and his eyes went up, thinking. Then, he smirked and pulled out his phone.

“You want to watch something, do you?”

You wondered what he was up to. You squinted suspiciously, “Uh, I mean, sure. Just bored of the book is all,”

He was pulling up a video on his phone before your sentence was finished.

It was _the_ video.

From like four days ago.

Before you could even say anything, Kylo started it and skipped a little ahead, “We can watch this, little angel,”

“I—” you immediately stopped speaking, your eyes glued to the screen as you saw what was happening.

It was at the part where you started to take off his button down.

You gasped, mostly because you didn’t get to re-live the buildup, and it cut straight to the slow grinding. It was quite the sight to see, you on top of Kylo, kissing, moving yourself over him, speaking to him.

“Look how pretty you are on top of me, sweet girl,” Kylo commented, his eyes never breaking away from his phone.

You _did_ look cute in the lingerie. You wish you’d worn them more while you were with him.

Kylo turned the volume up and held the phone in front of the both of you, closer, watching and listening, the faint sounds of you and Kylo talking to each other coming from the speakers of his phone. His hand moved up the back of your shirt and started to move up and down your back, just to feel you.

You watched yourself kiss Kylo, moving your hips over him, Kylo partly clothed.

_“You love being here?”_

_“I love being here, Kylo,”_

As Kylo moved his hand on your back, he started to press it harder in your skin, almost kneading, while you both kept watching.

_“Mhm. Do you love that I’m here, Kylo?”_

_“I do,”_

_“What else do you love?”_

_“That you read my bo—"_

Kylo skipped over the next few minutes, missing the part where he said he loved that he dreamed about you. You kinda wanted to hear that back. Maybe later.

Quite the shift happened in the video. You were now at his pelvis, Kylo’s dick in your mouth. Your eyes went wide. It was so interesting to watch yourself do this. Although, it was more interesting to peek down at Kylo as he watched and listened, sometimes you’d catch him biting softly at his lip or see his eye twitch a little.

Kylo didn’t touch you more than on your back and you didn’t try to tease him and wiggle yourself on his lap. You both just watched yourselves fuck on camera.

“Do you hear all of those noises I love?” Kylo whispered, still watching, “Do you see how sensitive you are for me?”

Jesus. Your back was arched, hands all over him, sounds leaving your mouth every few seconds. It was so hot. It was so goddamn hot. It was also hot to see Kylo in the video. The way he watched you as he fucked you, making sure you felt good, wanting to see if you were still comfortable, enjoying it.

…And the way his hips moved into you was perfect, the motion making you squeeze your legs together while you sat on his lap.

Kylo noticed your shifting and kissed your jaw while you still watched. He was moving up to your cheek, then to the corner of your lips, giving small kisses, whispering, “My little angel from heaven, you can’t get enough of yourself,”

In the video, Kylo asked you to call him ‘Ben’.

“I love that name on your pretty lips,” he breathed onto your cheek, still kissing you over and over there.

You turned your head to look at him, no longer at his phone, “Ben? That name?” you smiled.

Kylo locked his phone and tossed on the table, his hand now free to go between your legs, on your thigh, “Mm, that one, love,”

Leaning forward, lips on his, not kissing, you mumbled, “My Ben,”

Kylo tensed up and took in a sharp breath. His hand traveled further up between your legs, now at your cunt. He whimpered a little.

You loved it when he did that.

You spoke against his lips again, “Do you want to go into the little plane bathroom and fuck me, Ben?” you did a little wiggle on his lap, “I think you do,”

“Fuck, get up,” Kylo forced you up and grabbed your hand, walking down the small plane, into the bathroom. You could see his hard cock through his pants, practically aching to be inside of you.

And Kylo did just that.

He fucked you in the plane bathroom.

\--

When you got back to Kylo’s apartment, you threw your suitcase in his closet to pack the rest of your shit later and jumped on the bed, laying face down, arms and legs sprawled out, “Ahhh, this _bed_!! I’ve missed it soooo much,”

You felt Kylo get on the bed with you, then move you to spoon him. You’d miss how he would just shift you around, however he wanted you to be. Kylo spoke into your hair, “Our bed is so nice,”

You closed your eyes and snuggled back into him, “Mhm,”

“Are you happy to be home?” he asked, putting his hand up your shirt, touching the skin on your stomach, just feeling you again.

You were happy to be home, at his place. You were happy to lay beside him, in his bed. You were happy to spend the last month with Kylo. You were happy to love him.

“I’m so happy, Kylo,” you whispered, then shot up in bed, “Wait, I don’t want to nap. Are you trying to nap? Kylo, we have to keep doing things all day so there’s not time wasted!”

By now, you had just 18 hours left.

Kylo pulled you back down, now facing him, “Is time wasted when we lay next to each other? Who said I was going to sleep?”

“You know what I mean,”

He sat up and started to get off of the bed, “Fine,”

You and Kylo spent the next few hours in the kitchen and living room. You decided that even though there was really nothing to do on this cold, Sunday afternoon in New York City, you could help Kylo get his ‘house in order’ before you’d leave.

You made a late lunch with him first, because you were hungry as shit and he was too. He found some old flashcards and gave you a pen to write down recipes like you said you would. So, as Kylo cooked lunch, with you watching him carefully, you also wrote down all of the things you’d made for and with him so that he could do it himself when you were gone.

On one card, you put a small heart on the bottom corner. It was for the chicken, brussels sprouts, and balsamic cranberry sauce recipe you’d made on your fifth day here, when Kylo was playing that game with you. You remembered how he came up behind you, touched you, teased you, with you teasing him back.

It was so simple then.

After lunch, you made Kylo get you a bigger piece of paper. You wrote down all of the movies he absolutely needed to watch on his Fire Stick. On the back, you wrote directions on how he could set up Netflix and shit. You put the paper on his coffee table, so he’d always have it close.

When that was over, you and Kylo started to get handsy in the living room. He told you he wanted to fuck you on his couch one last time and you gladly let him, wanting to, yourself. A lot of it was spent giggling at the fact that one of his feet were on the floor as he pushed into you, but kept slipping.

It was like the bathtub in Austin all over again.

He mumbled that he loved to laugh with you, then picked you up and took you to his bed, where he loved on you there.

After that interesting and fun time, you packed your things. This was the hardest part to do. Kylo brought the clothes (the fancy ones) over from your old closet so you could stuff them in the big suitcase. Soon enough, you have everything packed, except tomorrow’s clothes and your toiletries.

You and Kylo had your hands on your hips, assessing his closet.

It looked so empty without your things.

“Dang, back to black and red,” you commented, then you spotted the blue ‘I HEART NY’ t-shirt.

He hadn’t unpacked his other blue shirts he had gotten in Austin yet, so that one, the one from Valentine’s, the one from the night you first had sex with him, stuck out like a sore thumb.

Yours was packed away.

Suddenly, you felt your heart hurt a bit, knowing that maybe you’d both wear them again, just not with each other.

You cleared your throat, needing to stop your thoughts, “Uh, sooo, what else can we do?”

It was nearly 5PM now.

15 hours left.

“I could buy you books. The nice ones with the leather covers like in my library, if you’d like,” Kylo offered, “I know you said you wanted to start a collection,”

“Really?”

Kylo nodded, “I told you I’d get you whatever you want, little angel,” he took your hand, “Let’s get books,”

Next thing you knew, you were on the subway of all places.

Kylo wanted to take it.

He looked very uncomfortable, not touching anyone or anything, but it was something he insisted on.

When you got to a bookstore you hadn’t been to before, Kylo seemed to know his way around, taking you to the back with all of the nice, leather books.

“Where do you want to start, love?” Kylo moved behind you, twisting your hair, letting you look at the books.

You scanned the wall and asked, “Do you see _War and Peace_?”

That was the book Kylo first recommended to you. The one where he made you read the final few pages to him on his library floor.

“Hmm,” Kylo was looking at the shelves, too, “Right there, baby,”

He pointed down, near the bottom of the shelf. You grabbed the book and stood up straight again.

“Now I think I want that space one that you have. Just to try and read again…for the collection, too,”

You really just wanted it as a reminder of Kylo.

Of Ben.

Of _him_.

“I thought you didn’t like it,” Kylo said, still twirling your hair.

You shrugged, “I want to give it another try…see if it’s something good,”

“Okay,” his hand left your hair and Kylo started to look further down the wall until he found the book, taking it off of the shelf, “What else?”

“I think I’m good with these for now,”

Kylo shook his head, “One more,”

“Uh,” you looked at all of the nice books, then back at Kylo, “Will you pick one for me? One that you think I’d like?”

“Sure,”

It’s like he knew just where to go, what book to pick, as if he already thought about it or something. Kylo went to another area of the wall, taking a book out.

“Let’s go, then,”

You tried to look at the book, “What did you pick?”

Kylo hid it from you and took _War and Peace_ away from you.

“Go wait outside. You can see it tomorrow,” he said, kicking you a little on your ankle so that you’d leave.

You rolled your eyes and walked to the front of the store with him, then left the front door as Kylo rang up his books with the lady that was working.

On the subway ride home, Kylo carried the bag of books, never letting you see inside. He said he’d put them in a nice, little box for you so that they’d be safe. Kylo took such nice care of his books.

The sun was beginning to set now on your walk from the subway up to the streets, leading to Kylo’s apartment.

“Do you want pizza?” Kylo randomly asked, squeezing your hand as you held it.

The tip of his nose was red from the cold air and all you wanted to do was kiss it.

Instead, you replied, “Sure,”

You stopped by a pizza place and got a box. You had to hold it with both hands as you walked down the street, Kylo’s apartment in the distance, so you couldn’t hold his hand anymore. Instead, Kylo put his free hand on your lower back.

You knew as soon as you stepped into that apartment, it’d be the beginning of the end.

The last night.

The last meal.

The last kiss.

The last sleep.

The last everything.

You blinked tears away that were forming already as you stepped inside of his apartment’s lobby, heading to the elevator. On the way up, Kylo was quiet.

You felt like maybe he knew it was the end, too.

And maybe, just maybe, he was also sad.

Because it was still a little early for dinner, you left the pizza box in the kitchen and Kylo took you into his library. He opened a drawer and took out your phone, handing it to you, “Here’s your phone. I’m—I’m sorry I took it at all. I was just trying to be a dick,” he apologized.

“No way!?” you grabbed it and made a fake shocked face.

Kylo didn’t think it was funny, “Watch it,”

You giggled for a moment.

“You can keep the other. It’s newer, so I don’t know if you want to switch it over. Either way, you can keep it,” he told you.

You’d probably just give it to Nicky.

It’d be a nice present.

“Okay,”

Before you left the library, you looked around one last time. You figured you wouldn’t be back in here tonight or tomorrow, so you studied it, wanting to remember.

Kylo took your hand and led you back to the main area of his big apartment, turning off all of the lights as he walked through it, toward the big windows. He opened his balcony door, a breeze rolling in the room and the sounds of traffic below ringing softly.

“Are you hungry now? I’m hungry now,” Kylo said, starting to walk toward the kitchen.

“I could eat,” you smiled.

Kylo brought the pizza over and set it on a nearby table, giving you a slice. He stood behind you, one hand holding a piece of pizza, the other on your waist, and started to move a little. Just side to side. Like he was swaying.

Mid-chew, you asked, “Are you—Are you trying to dance with me like this?”

“Yes,” Kylo said, “Eating, looking at the city, and dancing go nicely together, love,”

You bit the inside of your cheek for a moment, “Okay…well, just don’t drop the pizza on my head,”

“I think I want to now,” Kylo replied, a smile on his lips, you figured.

You kicked his leg behind you, “Funny,”

“My hot head,”

_My hot head._

You took another bite, not wanting to react to that. It was too much for right now. You just focused on the pizza and the pretty lights.

Kylo was quiet, too, but after you both finished your slice, he turned you around and started dancing forreal. Your arm was up, hand in his, and you saw him smile.

But you just couldn’t look at him.

Instead, you pulled him into a hug and decided to dance like that. Like how you did in the hotel in Austin. Your cheek was on his chest, feeling his heart, his chin was on your head.

The two of you just fit together like this.

And oh, how incredibly fortunate you were to spend a whole month fighting, kissing, playing, dancing, and loving Kylo.

You spoke softly, “Who’s going to walk around all day in your house with your t-shirt on and make you food?”

Kylo’s hand started to rub up and down your back as you went on.

“Who’s going to make you laugh? Who’s going to call me ‘hot head’ or ‘little angel’? Who’s going to call you an asshole? Oh, I forgot other people probably do that, too,” you giggled. Kylo chuckled softly, too.

Then, the laughs died down.

And it was quiet again.

But now that you were really thinking about it…you wondered if he’d miss your cooking, falling asleep next to you every night. Would he miss the way the two of you danced in front of his big windows, the sound of the city as your music? Would he miss the hours of teasing? Would he miss your laughter filling his empty apartment?

Would he miss you?

Would he think of you?

You knew how Kylo liked his coffee. You knew how he kissed. You knew his longing for company, someone to come home to, that someone being you. You knew him. He knew you. So why was he letting you go?

After a while longer of dancing that wasn’t really dancing, just hugging, Kylo wanted to sit on the couch with you. You automatically straddled him, wanting to be close.

“Hi,”

He nudged your nose, “Hi,”

Then, you started to kiss again. There was so much longing…so much love in your kiss as you sighed into his mouth, Kylo doing the same to you. He laid you down on your back and crawled over you on the couch, “I love to kiss you, little angel,”

You loved when he spoke against your lips, nose digging into your cheek, “I love to kiss you, Kylo,” you replied, “I’ll miss it so much,”

Kylo was on top of you and sure, you were kissing, but that’s all you were doing. Just making out. Not trying to take each other’s clothes off. Just kissing. It was fast and hard, but you both just wanted to kiss.

“I’m going to miss a lot,” Kylo told you.

Your hands moved in his hair that you loved, holding his face closer, “What will you miss?”

“Watching you sleep before you wake up,”

You sighed in his mouth hearing that, “Oh, what else will you miss?”

Kylo took one of your hands and just held it as he kissed you, “You hum when you cook. Did you know that? I’ll miss that,”

“I think you’ll just miss someone cooking for you,” you teased.

“No,” Kylo pulled away, only for a moment to tell you, “I’ll miss _you_ ,”

“Oh, stop,” you giggled, “I’m gonna cry,” you said, exaggerating even though it was so fucking true.

“Do you know how much it hurt me—” Kylo asked between kissing, so chatty tonight, “—when you cried in my library that one time? I hated to see you cry, love. It broke my heart,”

You wrapped your arms around his neck, your back arching and pressing up against Kylo, just to be able to touch him more, “It did?”

“It did,” he breathed, “I just wanted to wait and make it safe for you,”

You looked at him for a moment, stopping the kiss, needing to tell him, “I felt so safe, Kylo. So safe with you,”

“You did?”

“Yes, and I still feel so safe,” you tightened your arms, making him kiss you again, “I’m always safe with you. I’ll miss this feeling,”

Kylo whispered, “I’m the only one who can make you feel like this, little angel,”

He was right. No one would compare to Kylo. You’d never forget how he made you feel, physically and emotionally. The way he made you feel safe. Protected. Loved.

“You’re the only one who can make me feel like this, Kylo,”

Kylo pressed his lips harder on yours, “And you’re the only one who can make _me_ feel like this, little angel,”

Fuck.

This was the _last time_ you were going to be like this with Kylo. The _last time_ he was going to love on you like this. The _last time_ you’d get to hold him so close, look in his eyes, have him whisper nice things to you.

The last time.

And you couldn’t stop the feeling that was building in your chest. You felt your heart pump harder, agonizingly slow, almost aching. A tightness in your throat started, your chin began to quiver, and tears pricked your eyes, while you felt Kylo kiss you for the _last time_.

Fuck, it hurt.

It hurt so bad.

You were trying hard not to cry, praying that tears wouldn’t leave your eyes as you laid there, but it was too much. You loved him and he was letting you go. You loved him and he was going to be like this with you for the _last time_.

Your face scrunched up slowly and you shut your eyes tight. You guessed Kylo noticed because he immediately took his lips off of your skin and you felt him sit you up. Tears started to push through your squeezed together eyelids. You were crying. You and Kylo were kissing for the _last time_ and you were _crying._

“No, no, no,” Kylo’s tried to wipe away your tears with his thumbs, "Don't cry, don't cry. Please don't cry,"

You put your hands over your face, hiding. This was embarrassing how much you were hurting. You figured you’d been hurting for a while, maybe since the second week you were here, already in love with him and you didn’t know, but now, everything had built up and it hurt. It hurt to think you’d never get called ‘hot head, ‘little angel’, ‘sweet girl’, ‘little love’, or ‘baby’ again by him. It hurt that the only person you’d have to cook for now was Kelstra, returning to your old life.

It all hurt, knowing that by tomorrow, you’d be gone.

He’d only be a memory, reminded to you by that ‘I HEART NY’ t-shirt, anytime you heard someone talk about Austin, TX, telling stories about the first time you had sex.

Your hands were still covering your face and you tucked your knees to your chest as you sobbed.

“Look at me, please,” Kylo took your hands away from your eyes and was kneeling on the couch in front of you, “Tell me what’s wrong, little love,” he plead, his eyes plagued with worry and concern.

Hearing ‘little love’ felt like another punch in the chest. Your hands went back over your eyes and your sobs were getting louder, full of pain, full of suffering. This was torture. Not just for you, but for Kylo, too. You could tell it was hurting him as he tried to move your hands again, trying to talk to you.

"Please stop crying. Please," Kylo got you to move your hands and he cupped your cheeks, then started to kiss your forehead, your nose, your temples, and anywhere he could, his own version of soothing you, “Stop crying, love. Tell me what’s wrong. Tell me what happened. Please,”

You just sat there as he kept kissing all around your face, begging for you to stop crying. You tried to cover your face with your hands again, shielding yourself from him, but Kylo still wouldn’t let you. He took your hands and set them in your lap as you cried, then moved pieces of your hair that were sticking to your wet cheeks and wiped away your tears again.

“Shhh,” Kylo tried helping you that way, and it worked a bit.

You looked at him, still crying, but you really looked at him.

He repeated, “Shhh, baby,”

Slowly, you began to cry less, tears and sobs coming out every few seconds, then every ten seconds, then every thirty, then none at all.

You didn’t know how much time passed. It could have been a few minutes. Maybe five?

Five whole minutes was a long fucking time to cry.

But you figured tomorrow, all alone in your little house, you’d cry for _hours_.

Kylo was still holding his face in your hands and you were still looking at him. The tears on your face were gone, Kylo always wiping them away, and he leaned forward to nudge his nose on yours.

So soft.

So sweet.

So loving.

You were so in love with him.

That’s when it happened.

The accident.

In a small voice, nearly a whisper, five words were now in the air.

“I love you so much,”

And you both completely froze, as if you were statues, as if not making a single move could somehow remove you from this accident. Just the sound of breathing could be heard, each of your breaths meeting each other’s lips. Kylo’s forehead was still pressed against yours, and in the stillness, you were so aware of pressure on your head, how much he was leaning into you. How much he craved to be close to you.

You looked up at Kylo, but his eyes were staring blankly at your mouth or chin, you couldn’t tell. You just knew he was looking everywhere but at you.

Because it was him.

Because he was the one who said it.

“…Kylo…” you whispered, a small smile on your face, “I—"

“Stop,” he said quietly, interrupting you.

“What?” you touched his cheek and saw him wince, “Kylo, wait I—”

“ _Stop_ ,” Kylo repeated sternly, “Just stop,”

Then, in an instant, he got up off of you and just stood, not facing you. It was like he was thinking, processing, his fists balled up. You stood, too, trying to grab his hand.

He pulled it away.

“I think you should leave tonight,”

Tears went right to your eyes, pricking them. You blinked them away, then swallowed thick, your mouth dry. Pain was everywhere. Pain in your chest, from your heart. Pain in your stomach, from it dropping to your feet, basically. Pain in your head, your thoughts mixed up, trying to understand.

It was just pain.

And it felt worse than from earlier.

Because you knew he loved you.

And he was running away.

“Kylo,” you whispered, your voice small and barely detectable. It was all you could get out.

He was breathing hard. Fast. His eyes on the floor, fists still balled.

“Call Barry. Tell him to take you home now,” Kylo said, completely blank, “You’ll still get the money. I’ll tell Hux you stayed the full thirty days,”

You shook your head, “I don’t care about that—” you tried to hold his hand but again, he took his away, “—I mean, I need it for Nicky, but that’s not what I’m thinking about right now, Kylo,”

“Call Barry,” he repeated, hushed. You saw his bottom lip shake, but you couldn’t see his eyes.

Kylo quickly walked to his room, where you heard keys jangling and the swishing of nylon, as if he were putting on a coat. He was leaving.

And he wasn’t going to say goodbye when _you_ left.

He emerged from his room, not looking at you, and made his way to the front door. You just watched. It felt like this was all going in slow motion and like your soul had left your body or something, leaving you frozen, unable to react.

Kylo’s hand held the door knob for a moment. He stared down, thinking.

Then, the click of the door sounded.

He was gone.

You fumbled with your phone, hands shaky, trying to open it to call Barry to come get you to take you home.

But _this_ was your home now.

 _Kylo_ was your home now.

And he just ruined it.

With that realization, your phone dropped from your hands and onto the floor. You were shaking too much. You felt your face start to pulse, eyes squeezing shut, body folding to the floor, and you cried for a while next to the big living room windows that you spent so many nights and days looking out of, dancing in front of, all with Kylo next to you.

You realized Kylo was right as you remembered his words from the first week that you were here.

‘That’s not life’ he said when you commented about how you liked happy endings in books.

He was so fucking right.

That wasn’t life. 


	24. seven days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: small panic attack. it's necessary but over quick. again, I don't know how you all feel about this story and how much you are connected to it, but I'll just say it again, I am a sensitive bitch. this was really hard to write. it's a shorter chapter, though, if that helps literally at all.

You were tired of being nice.

You were so fucking tired.

An hour into crying on Kylo's living room floor, him still not back, you wiped away your tears and stood up straight. You were going to wait for him to come back.

And you were going to talk.

Because that's what adults did.

Just in case Kylo came back and kicked you out, though, you packed up the rest of your things and sat them by the front door as you waited.

You were still trying to fight off crying, because it hurt so bad when he left an hour ago. To get some outside perspective and to maybe calm you as you waited, you decided to text Kelstra.

\--

****Kelstra** **

iMessage

It's me on my actual phone again, lol. – 7:39PM

I might be home tonight...or tomorrow. Idk. I'll let u know. – 7:40PM

but I have a big problem and I need your help. – 7:40PM

7:41PM – what

7:41PM – what's ur problem

7:41PM – what did that animal do

not an animal. just a little baby back bitch sometimes. – 7:42PM

uh, he told me something. – 7:42PM

7:43PM – oh my god, does he have an std?

what? no, no, no. – 7:43PM

no stds here. – 7:44PM

he told me that he loved me. – 7:44PM

7:44PM – omg WORSE??!?!!? wtf?

yea. – 7:45PM

and I was trying to say it back because I feel the same (do not judge me okay?) but he wouldn't let me. he told me to stop and then he left and I cried a lot. it's a long story but he's not back yet and he told me to leave. – 7:45PM

7:45PM – what the fuck...

7:46PM – are you serious?

dead. – 7:46PM

7:47PM – pussy.

7:47PM – not u. him.

I think he's just scared. – 7:48PM

7:48PM – I'm going to be honest. I don't care if he's 'scared'. That's so shitty.

7:49PM – is there a reason that ur not back here, then bitch?

7:49PM – wait a damn minute can we FaceTime? I don't like texting about this and I need to see ur beautiful face.

\--

A second later, you were getting a FaceTime call.

" _THAT MOTHERFUCKER SAID HE LOVED YOU_!!" she screamed as soon as you pressed 'answer', " _AND TOLD YOU TO LEAVE??????_ "

Kelstra was in her bed, neon lights on, eating a Hot Pocket as she screamed.

"I just wanted to text you because I didn't know if you were busy...but clearly not,"

Kelstra shook her head, " _No, I'm just chillin' watching Criminal Minds and fuckin' up a Hot Pocket,_ " she paused the show, " _Okay, so what are you still doing there?_ "

"I want to talk with him and I know you probably don't think I should but I want to and I want you to hype me up, K,"

Kelstra made a disgusted face at you, " _Hell no. What you need to do is get your ass home. You said he left? Yeah, no. I don't care if he said he 'loves you' or whatever. That shit's not cool to leave you and tell you go home after dropping that on you,_ "

"But that's why I want to talk to him about it,"

" _You've known him for a month. You don't owe him anything. Have some perspective,_ "

"A little longer, technically," you shrugged, talking about the BestBuy incident that she didn't know about.

" _I don't care if you've known him for your whole life. He bought you. He doesn't love you. He might like to fuck you or whatever because he loves his little virgin or something but he does not love you,_ "

"Okay, ew. Really?" you rolled your eyes at her 'virgin' comment, "But...he does love me. I've felt it the past few days. And I love him. I do, K. A-And you don't know what the past month has been like with him. It's been really, really good. I think we have something good," you frowned, "You really think I should just leave?"

" _Miss girl, I know so,_ " she turned the camera around to face her TV, " _Dr. Spencer Reid would never disappoint you. Look at him. Look at his dorky face. You deserve someone like him, not some weirdo who kidnapped you,_ "

"Kylo didn't kidnap me," you giggled for a second, because she was so crazy, but your smile quickly fell as she turned the camera back to herself. You asked, "So...I should come home?"

" _Come the fuck home and never speak to that man again. He's fuckin' poison and I knew it when he grabbed your face like—_ " Kelstra grabbed her jaw, the same way Kylo did to you when she was there, " _like this. That man was your captor, girl. Come home and heat up a Hot Pocket and cuddle_ ,"

Maybe it was for the best. Maybe you needed to not be around him. Maybe you just didn't really fit, like you thought.

After all, how could you fit with someone when all they do is run away?

You sighed, "Okay, I'll come home,"

" _God bless America and God Bless Matthew Gray Gubler. You have a ride? I can take the subway over ther—_ "

"I have a ride,"

" _Okay chica, I'll see you when you get here and you can cry to me if you need but I can't promise I won't be watching my show while you do,_ "

"Bye,"

" _Love ya, be safe!_ "

You hung up the phone and felt worse about your situation. That's not the response you needed. You didn't want to leave. You wanted to stay. To wait. To talk. But Kelstra was right. If he could just walk away, then you could, too.

You said goodbye to your old room, to Kylo's room, then peeked your head into the room with Kylo's parent's things. You hoped that he'd be able to heal in a way that was healthy for him, with all of this. You thought you were helping, but that's not what you were anymore.

At the front door, you grabbed your stuff and reached for the door handle, opening it.

But Kylo was on the other side of the door, about to come in.

You were both looking at each other, a little shocked. You weren't expecting him to be right there and he probably wasn't expecting you to still be in his apartment.

It took a moment before anyone said something.

Kylo spoke first, matter-of-factly, "You didn't leave,"

"I was about to,"

Seeing him again was making you feel like maybe you'd cry one more time. You tried to resist the urge as you went on, "But now that you're here, I'm not going to," you turned around and walked to the kitchen. You were going to talk to him. Fuck what Kelstra said. This was what you were going to do.

Kylo slowly followed you, "I _told_ you to leave,"

You leaned on his kitchen counter, arms crossed, "I'm aware, but we need to talk. You can't just not talk every time something is hard, Kylo,"

He didn't say anything. He just stared at you blankly while leaning on the counter across the kitchen.

"You told me something," you stated quietly, your voice cracking, "Something important. And then you left. Why did you leave? Why did you shut me out again?"

Kylo looked at his feet, then replied as if it was the hardest thing to do, his words coming out slowly, "I was angry,"

"You didn't look angry when you told me that you—"

He interrupted you, "I shouldn't have said that,"

Your stomach was twisting and turning. You just wanted him to be okay with loving you. But he was acting like he wasn't okay with it at all. As if you were a mistake. As if it was an inconvenience to feel the way he felt about you.

And that hurt.

"Did—Did you mean it?" you asked, blinking back tears that were forming again, "Did you mean it when you said that you loved me?"

Kylo didn't answer you.

Instead, he started to get upset and angry. You could tell by the way his fists balled up again, like earlier before he left. Kylo's eyes were intense and his whole demeanor shifted completely. He started to walk toward you, "Do you know who's been calling me all weekend?"

You shook your head, "You told me it was no one, how the fuck would I—"

"My boss. The one who helped me. The one who gave me so much," he was standing close now, a little threatening, "I have voicemails telling me that I made a mistake. That I was weak. That I was like my father. That I've been changing,"

"Wha—"

Because he was so close, you could smell him.

He smelled like cigarettes.

And beer.

Kylo's eye twitched slightly as he stared wildly at you, "It's because you were trying to fix me,"

"What?"

"You heard me,"

"Why would I be trying to fix you?" you asked, genuinely confused. This was going in a completely different direction than you thought it would.

"I'm becoming someone I'm not and it's because you're trying to fucking 'fix' me. You made me get that fucking Fire Stick thing for the TV, you made me hate my job, go through my parent's things to try and forgive them, get that fucki—"

"I didn't make you do anything, Kylo," you shook your head, interrupting him.

He shot back, "Well, I'm not who I fucking was before you got here,"

You were angry now, too.

"You mean you're nicer?" you asked, raising your voice, "You mean you're working through your past and healing like normal people do? You mean you decided that you shouldn't be at a job where it stresses you out and you hate what they do?!"

Kylo didn't say anything, but his eyes were ablaze.

You went on, throwing your hands up in the air and walking to the living room, needing to move, "I'm _so_ fucking sorry that being around me made you realize that you aren't a monster! Okay? I'm _so_ sorry! And I'm sorry that you realized that you're capable of love and being loved! Is that what you want? You want me to tell you that I'm sorry for being the only decent thing in your life?! You want me to tell you that I'm sorry for making you feel real human emotion again that you've so clearly been without for a long time? Is that what you want??"

"That job was _everything_ I had!" Kylo yelled, moving toward you again, "And now it's gone! And it's your fau—"

You screamed, "Find something new! Something you _like!_ That's what adults do! I mean, what the fuck, Kylo? You know how _awful_ it was! A-And I'll _help_ you, Kylo! I'll help you because I l—"

He shook his head and backed you up until you bumped into the wall. Kylo spoke, furious, pointing at you and poking his finger at your chest, " _You_ did this to me. _You_ made me feel like this. _You_ pushed me about my parents and my job. _You_ made me talk about Ben. _You_ made me say that earlier. _You_ did this,"

Kylo was scared that his world was changing and he was blaming it all on you. You just wished he could see that change didn't always equal scary. It could equal good.

"No, Kylo. I didn't push _anything_ ," you felt your chin quiver as you spoke, poking him in the chest back, " _You_ were the one who _always_ brought up your parents. _You_ always brought up your job and how it made you feel. _You_ pushed things between me and you from the beginning. Do you remember when you made us dance? When we were sick that first week?"

He was breathing fast and hard.

You pushed him, getting him away from you and moving off of the wall, "Kylo, it was all _you_ and you're blaming it on _me_. It's _always_ been you. I'm sorry you're scared and I'm sorry that you're changing for the better, but that was all you...and I think it's because you _want_ to change, Kylo,"

Kylo's voice was quieter now, but you still felt anger radiating off of him, "I hate you,"

He was lying.

But that still hurt so bad.

Kylo started muttering more things he hated, his breathing getting fast, his eyes on the floor, his head hung, his fists still balled up tight, "I hate you and I hate Ben. I hate my parents. I hate the color blue. I hate that cartoon show. I hate February. I hate Texas. I hate—"

He glanced at the painting in the dining room.

The blue one.

"And I hate that fucking painting," Kylo made his way over to it, and you knew what he was going to do.

"Kylo, _stop_!" you ran over to him before he could get to the painting and stood in front of it, "Please, stop!"

He reached over you, trying to grab at. He wanted to tear it off of the wall, to destroy it, to get rid the things he 'hated'. You gripped onto his arms, but you weren't that strong. It was just more of a distraction than trying to stop his movements.

Kylo's brows were knit.

His lips red, frowning.

Chin trembling.

Eyes wet.

Kylo was crying, or at least, trying really hard not to.

And it made you start to cry, too, as you were still trying to grab him as he reached for the painting, focused. Kylo's breathing was still fast and short, almost gasping.

"Please stop, Kylo!" your voice was up a few octaves, a mix of desperation and because that's what happened when you were upset. You grabbed his face now, trying to get him to look at you, "Kylo, I really need you to breathe, okay?! And I need you to sit, please. Please just sit, Kylo. We can talk, okay? Let me talk to you about your favorite books! Please just sit with me,"

You were sobbing again now, hurting because Kylo was hurting.

Kylo turned around quickly running both of his hands through his hair, his breathing still quick, face still red.

His hands were shaking a little, too, you noticed.

He was mumbling something under his breath that you couldn't hear.

You went over to him as he started to pace around and tugged on his shirt, trying to lead him to the couch, the floor, his bed, really anywhere he could sit down, "Come here, Kylo," you sniffled, trying to control yourself. If you were going to help him, you had to relax, yourself, "Please, come here,"

Dragging him basically, you got him to one of his big couches and helped him sit. You kneeled in front of him and took his face in your hands again. Kylo still wasn't crying, no tears on his cheeks, but he was nearly there. His eyes were so red, so wet.

And so blank, like he wasn't really here. His lips were still trembling and his hands were still shaking.

"I want you to leave," Kylo said between breaths.

"I'm not leaving,"

He repeated, clearly in a daze, his eyes still not looking at anything in particular, "I want you to leave,"

"Look at me, okay?" you made his hands rest palms down on his knees, then cupped his cheeks again, "Will you breathe with me?"

Kylo gave you small nod, his breaths still shallow and fast. You were trying to not cry harder as you started to breath in through your nose, raising your eyebrows at Kylo to tell him to do it, too.

He did.

You breathed in air for a few seconds, then whispered, "Hold it there,"

A few seconds of holding the air, you made a little 'o' with your mouth, nodding at Kylo to do the same, then exhaled with him.

You did that a few times.

He probably never knew how to do breathing exercises when he felt overwhelmed or had any techniques to manage his feelings at all. He just kept them in. Kylo was so alone. But he didn't have to be.

Not anymore.

Kylo was breathing normally again after a while. You weren't sure how long you were doing that with him You took your hands off of his face, but kept kneeling between his legs, wanting to stay close until he felt like he could talk to you again. You _hoped_ he would talk to you, at least.

Ten minutes of silence passed.

Then, he spoke.

"This wasn't how this was supposed to go," Kylo mumbled, "You were just supposed to be here and then leave,"

You put your hands on his that were still resting on his knees, stroking your thumbs on his skin softly, "But things changed between us, Kylo. Didn't they?"

"Yes,"

Emotion was back in his eyes, and you found it harder to look at than when he was completely blank.

Because he looked so fucking sad.

"That's why you said what you did earlier," you noted quietly, "Because things changed between us. So much,"

"Yes,"

You looked down at one of your hands, getting upset, as you said, "But you wouldn't let me say it back,"

Kylo was so quiet as he spoke. So fearful to talk. So nervous to confront his feelings.

"I didn't want you to,"

You looked back at him and your lips pulsed, a sign you were going to cry again, "Because you got scared,"

"Yes,"

"Is it so scary to have someone love you?"

Kylo nodded.

"Being loved is so special, though," your voice was breaking as you got emotional thinking about it, "And loving someone else is even _more_ special... _more_ telling of who _you_ are. You're so good, Kylo, and it hurts my heart that you believe you're not. It hurts my heart that you think being loved is scary,"

You went on, sniffling and crying just a little bit now, "A-And I don't want to leave here. I want to stay with you. I want to make you feel less scared. I want to dance with you by your windows and cook with you. I want to watch that cartoon show that you can never remember the name of. I want to show you that love isn't scary,"

"I know you love me. You told me, Kylo. You should be happy and I think you're happy with _me_. And I think you know that love is safe, I just don't think you're used to it...but I want to _make_ you used to it. I want to show you how _nice_ love is,"

You put your forehead on his and nudged his nose with yours, "Because I love you so much, Kylo. I love you and I want to turn these thirty days into something longer with you,"

In a whisper, he replied, "I can't...not yet,"

You pulled your head away and knit your brow, "What do you mean you can't?"

"I think I need to figure some things out," Kylo's throat was tightening. You could tell as he spoke, "I need—I need to visit my u—" he stopped himself, "I just need to figure some things out,"

"Figure things out?"

"Yes,"

Kylo had shit to work on and he knew it. Maybe it was a step in the right direction. Maybe he'd never speak to you again. Maybe you'd both come out of this together, better than before because he was taking time to 'figure things out'.

What would you even do about it anyway?

You had to accept it.

Respect it.

You stood and wiped your face with your hands, "So, I'm leaving, then?" you began to walk to the door, where your things were.

Kylo stood from the couch, "Will you stay until tomorrow?"

"Stay the night?" you slowly turned around to face him again, "In your bed?"

Kylo nodded, "Yes. In our bed. Please,"

"You told me you wanted me to leave,"

"I want you to stay the last night,"

As much as it would hurt to fall asleep next to Kylo, knowing all the shit that you knew now, you wanted to fall asleep with him so badly, one last time. You wanted him to hold you. You wanted him to kiss your head and nuzzle his nose into your hair.

_One last time._

For real.

"Okay," you agreed, then remembered, stated uncomfortably, "Um, I need to shower,"

"I do, too,"

You walked to his bedroom door and said, "We can do that together. One last time if you want,"

"Is that what you want?" he asked, walking to you.

"Yes,"

"Okay,"

In the shower, it was quiet at first. Then, Kylo asked shyly, "Can I wash your hair?"

You swallowed, desperate for any final touches from him, "Yes. Can I wash yours?"

"Yes,"

Kylo got shampoo in his hand and you turned around so he could lather it in your hair. He was being so soft, pushing the soap into your scalp. You started to cry again, but were relieved that Kylo couldn't see you.

After you rinsed your hair, you washed Kylo's now. He had to bend his knees for you to reach his head, but you did the same as he did to you, softly washing his hair, reaching up a little. He rinsed it out when you were done, and the two of you got out.

Kylo toweled you off, like he always did, then did himself. You both changed, brushed your teeth, then went to go to bed. It was awkward getting in. Did he want to hold you? Touch you? Spoon you? Did he just want to lay in the same bed, but not feel you?

As soon as you were under the covers, though, he found your skin.

You got in one of your regular positions, head on his shoulder/chest, arm and leg over him, savoring how this felt as much as you could. Then, you picked your head up and put one hand on his cheek, "Can we kiss goodnight? If you wa—"

Kylo's hand was now on the back of your head, bringing it down. He kissed you softly, slowly, tenderly. You thought maybe twenty minutes had passed by now of just you and him kissing for the last time, probably. When you decided you were done, although you really could go on for hours, you gave him a little peck, nudged his nose, then laid back on his shoulder.

"How long will it take you to figure things out?" you asked, hushed.

Kylo gave you a shitty answer, "I don't know,"

"Okay,"

A few minutes of quiet hung in the air.

"Can we meet somewhere?" Kylo asked randomly, "A week from now?"

You peeked up at him, "To talk?"

"Yes,"

"Okay...where?" you asked, laying your head back down.

"The bookstore we went to on Court and Union one time?"

"Okay, what time?"

"Two?"

You nodded, "Okay,"

It was silent again for a while, but neither of you were asleep.

That's when you asked, "Kylo?"

"Hm?"

"Where did you go? When you left earlier?"

He replied quickly, "Nowhere,"

"You smelled like cigarettes and beer,"

Kylo didn't say anything.

"Where did you go?" you pressed, "Did you drink?"

"No,"

You were hoping he'd say that.

"Where did you go, then?"

"A bar,"

You sat up a little, "Why?"

"I wanted to drink,"

"But you didn't?"

His fingers ran a line up and down your spine, "No. I was just there for a while. Thinking,"

"Oh," your head went back on his shoulder, "Well...I'm proud of you—for not drinking, I mean,"

"You are?"

"Yes,"

Kylo held you a little tighter.

You spoke again while it was quiet, "Before I fall asleep, Kylo, I just want to tell you again that—I just want to tell you that I love you. And if it'll help you to be happy by not seeing me or whatever you figure out for the next week, I'm okay with that. I just want to tell you that I love you," you whispered, trying hard not the cry at those last few sentences.

"You don't have to say anything back, I just wanted to tell you that," you added, nuzzling into him more, ready to fall asleep, "I love you so much,"

Kylo was tense, but after a moment, shifted to where you were both laying on your sides, facing each other. His arm was around your waist, forehead on yours, pulling your close to him.

And that's the last thing you remembered before you went to sleep.

**** Day Thirty. ** **

You and Kylo spent the morning in silence. You had to wake up early because Barry was coming at eight, per the schedule, and you and Kylo didn't say a word as you brushed your teeth, changed, had coffee, ate breakfast.

It was quiet.

But you wanted to scream.

The clock on Kylo's microwave read 07:54AM, so you decided to head downstairs. Standing at Kylo's door, you gathered your things, and went out into the hall, then turned around to say goodbye.

Kylo was leaning on the door frame, looking at the ground.

"Um," you started, "Thanks for the past month. It was really nice, the stuff we did,"

You'd kill to go back to visiting bookstores, getting banned from Target, going to museums, sleeping next to him so casually.

Kylo nodded, agreeing, but didn't say anything.

You cleared your throat, "So, the bookstore on Court and Union, then?"

Kylo nodded again.

"Okay," you bit your lip, heart heavy, "Then I guess I'll see you there in a week,"

"I'll see you then,"

"Bye, Kylo," you gave a polite smile, begging your tears to not fall out before you got to the elevator. You pulled the handle to your suitcase up, gave Kylo one last look, then walked away.

You didn't look back as you went down the hall, to the lift, but you heard his door shut as you pressed the 'down' button.

As soon as you got into the elevator, you lost it. It was like a switch was flipped, sending all of your tears out at once again, just like last night. You were hurting and you knew it was only going to be worse when you got home, all alone, no Kylo.

On the main floor now, tears wiped away, you found Barry waiting outside for you at just the right time. He took your things and put them in the trunk as you climbed into the front seat, not wanting to sit in the back.

Barry got in his seat now and looked at you, clearly seeing how upset you were. He didn't say anything at first, but then as he put his big, black SUV into drive, he asked, "Did he hurt you? I told you to be careful,"

"He hurt me. But not like that,"

Barry gave you a small 'oh'.

When you were at your place now, Barry got out and walked you and your luggage to your door, "I'm sorry you're upset,"

You gave him a soft smile and lied, "I'll be okay,"

Then, maybe because of your daddy issues, Barry being the only older male figure around, you hugged him. It took him a second, but you felt a hand on your back and one on the nape of your neck.

He told you to call him if you ever needed anything, just in general.

You watched Barry pull away in his car and you just stood outside for a moment, not wanting to go in yet. The air was cold, but you didn't mind. You just wanted to think. To wonder.

In seven days, you'd see Kylo again.

To talk.

But somewhere in the back of your mind, you knew you'd never meet each other there in that bookstore in seven days.

And you were always right. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m really sorry for this chapter, but this was the way it was going to be from the beginning. the countdown, the constant talk of leaving, the emotionally immature and shitty attachment style of Kylo. she needed to leave. it needed to happen.
> 
> I hope you’ll stick with me.
> 
> Alyssa.


	25. soaking wet stranger.

It was hard to make sense of the last couple days.

But you were trying.

When you came home on Sunday morning, finally going inside, Kelstra was on the couch, eating a bagel. She immediately threw it down when she saw you (a little dramatic, but that was her), and ran over, hugging you as you started to cry again.

That afternoon, you unpacked your things and saw the box in your stuffed suitcase that had the books Kylo bought you. The nice, leather books. The one he wanted to keep a surprise was _Pride and Prejudice._ Corny as shit, sure, but it was one of your favorite books.

That was something you never told him, though. You wished you could ask him why he picked it out for you.

But you couldn’t.

After that, you really couldn’t remember anything. The hours. The days. It was too fuzzy. Too blurry. Too sad. Sunday and Monday seemed like yesterday.

But now it was now Thursday.

And you were just getting out of bed around 4PM.

Kelstra was leaning on the wall in the bathroom, watching you get ready. She was taking you out for ice cream because the two of you hadn’t really left the house. She was stuck babysitting you, asking coworkers to pick up her shifts, and you were moping around, never leaving.

“And you know what else?” she asked, her voice loud as hell like always, going on about Kylo. She hadn’t stopped bitching about him since you told her what happened, “It sounds like he’s got major issues. Like, _major_ issues. I was reading this thing the other day and it said— _get this_ —therapists can tell when a relationship won’t work when one of the partners drop what they’re talking about and like, ignore it completely. Didn’t you say he’d do that a lot?”

You sighed, putting on mascara because you just wanted to feel pretty for once in the past few days, “Yeah. He always stonewalled me,” you told her, “But Kelstra, I don’t want to talk about him anymore. It makes me sad,”

You didn’t tell her about your ‘plan’ to see him on Sunday, because you weren’t even planning on going anymore. If he needed to ‘figure things out’ with you, he could have done it _with_ you. You shouldn’t have left and he shouldn’t have let you go.

You weren’t going to wait around for someone who needed to ‘figure things out’ to decide if they wanted to be with you. What the fuck did ‘figure things out’ even mean? As much as you loved him and wanted to be with him, you figured if he actually wanted the same with you, you would have never left his apartment. After a few days of sitting on that whole night where shit hit the fan, you figured it was just his way of breaking everything off, in a way that made it sound like ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ or whatever that bullshit was.

“You need to _keep_ talking about him so it _won’t_ make you sad. You want to be _mad_ , bitch,” Kelstra said, completely serious, looking at you in the mirror, “Like, who even tells someone that they love them and then just says ‘oh yea see ya later I gotta figure out my shit haha bye’? Typical man move. God, they’re all the same. That’s why I think they should just date each other,”

You couldn’t help but laugh and roll your eyes.

“Anyway—” she went on, “We haven’t even talked about getting like, revenge. I know I’m only 4’11, but I do my arm workouts. I think I could do a number on him, or at least his car,” Kelstra added, “Eggs are cheap and I used to play softball in high school, you know,”

She was still completely serious.

You loved how much she cared, but she was also insanely dramatic.

“K, thanks, but no thanks. I’m ready. Let’s just go eat ice cream and be normal. And don’t let me forget to apply to those positions,” you told her.

A few museums in the area were hiring people to work under various directors, and you figured that because you had so much free time now, you could finally start applying again.

When you got to the front door, hand on the knob, Kelstra slapped your wrist, “What the fuck!!! You’re still wearing that? We’re going to a pawn shop while we’re out,”

She was talking about your golden ring with the pretty, blue jewels.

You couldn’t bring yourself to take it off.

“Shut up,” you muttered, opening the door and leaving, “It’s cute,”

On the subway, you almost started to cry as you held onto the pole. The subway reminded you of Kylo, now. You could almost feel him behind you, chin on the top of your head, hands on yours on the pole so he wouldn’t touch it because of the germs.

You were staring off, completely detached from your ride with Kelstra.

She nudged you, “Our stop, come on,”

At the ice cream place, Kelstra was talking to you, but you just couldn’t listen. You mindlessly ate your ice cream, staring into her eyes, pretending like you were there, but you weren’t. Not really. You just thought about that one night where you and Kylo shared ice cream by his windows when he told you that you were ‘worth it’.

Everything seemed to remind you of him.

You missed him so much. His moodiness, his softness, how playful he could be. The way he’d touch your hair, nudge his nose on yours, feel you up your shirt, just to touch your skin…just to be close.

Even though only four days had passed without seeing him, it felt like forever. Every time Kelstra said your name, you were weirded out. You were so used to being called ‘little angel’ or one of your other nicknames.

You almost expected her to call you that, too.

“I can’t believe you’re not a _virgin_ anymore,” Kelstra commented, snapping you out of your daze, “Now you can just hook up with whoever you want because you know what to do now. Did it hurt? Your first time? How was he?”

You really did not want to talk about this.

You knit your brow, “I’m not going to have—” you whispered so no one could hear you, “— _sex_ for a while, Kelstra,”

“Um, why not?” she was looking at you like you were crazy.

You nervously shuffled your feet under the table, “Well, it was never really about hooking up for me and I don’t even think I’m that kind of person, K. Like, I really liked it with Kylo—and yea, he was good…I think, not that I can compare it to anyone—but I think it was because I liked _him_. A lot. I just don’t think I’ll do anything like that for a while. I think I just more so like to be close like that. It’s just so intimate and—”

You started to get sad again, so you stopped. You didn’t want to sleep with anyone else. You didn’t want to be close to anyone else like that. You just wanted it to be Kylo.

Forever.

“Dear God, you just liked being _close_?!” Kelstra laughed.

“…I mean, it felt really good, but yeah. I liked being…close,” you said sheepishly. While you knew you probably weren’t alone, feeling that way, you felt alone with Kelstra. She looked like she had no clue what you meant or why you’d like ‘being close’ over just the act of sex.

Kelstra took a deep breath and was shaking her head, “I can tell it’s gonna take a while to recover from this one, girl,”

“…yeah,”

“Anyway, when are you going to your mom’s?” Kelstra asked, changing the subject. She could see you were clearly getting sad again.

You took a lick of ice cream before answering, “Uh, tomorrow, actually. Nicky’s birthday is Saturday and I promised him I’d be there. He’s been lonely as shit and hates that his legs are still barely moving, but I keep reminding him that it takes a long time to recover and that I’d talk to him about how he was feeling. Anyway, I just need to be there by tomorrow—sorry I rambled,”

“You didn’t ramble. I like hearing about Nicky. He’s lucky that he can even walk—or _move_ right? Like, he was supposed to be completely like paralyzed, yea?” Kelstra asked.

“Yeah,”

She frowned, “Poor baby. God, I love him. I wish I could come. Will you tell him happy birthday? No—I’ll just FaceTime you on Saturday. What’d you get him as a present? And what time are you leaving?”

You licked your ice cream, “I’m leaving around 6AM. I got Nicky the newest iPhone…the one Kylo gave me. I figured he’d want it,”

“Give him that fucking ring too, ugh. Gag,” she went on, “And the necklace, and the books, and those fuckin’ jeans,” Kelstra looked under the table, eyeing your pants from Kylo.

You rolled your eyes, “I like all of that stuff. Why not keep it? They’re mine,”

“Not really,” Kelstra shook her head, “That shit will always be tied to that motherfucker and I bet you his wack ass planned it that way,”

“Stop,” you laughed.

She made a disgusted face, “I’m fuckin’ serious. That man is cursed and I bet you that ring is, too,”

“Okay, now you’re just being mean, K,”

“I’m always mean, aren’t I?” she smirked and winked.

You nodded, “That you are,”

“When’s your money coming in?” Kelstra randomly asked.

“Hux—the dude that set this whole thing up—said it takes like two weeks after the end date for the money to be wired…so two weeks, I guess. Then, I can pay for Nicky’s shit and not be so goddamn poor,” you groaned, “I need to get rent covered until I can get a damn job,”

Kelstra grinned, “You should pay _my_ rent, too,”

“You have a job. But…I mean, I _could_ ,” you shrugged, “I’ll have a lot left over,”

You weren’t planning on giving Kylo the rest of the money that you didn’t need anymore. You just wanted to take the money and put it where it belonged, with Nicky, your rent until you got a nice museum job, and a charity or something.

Done eating ice cream, you and Kelstra stopped at a little store to pick some things up for dinner, then went home. It was an uneventful night, just like all of your nights since you left Kylo’s. You were bored. Uninterested. Sad.

But at least you had Kelstra.

A few minutes into making dinner for the two of you, your phone started to ring.

It was your mom.

“Hi, Mama,” you answered the call, greeting her.

You heard little sniffles over the phone.

“Mama? What’s wrong?” you knit your brow and held the phone closer to your ear, moving from the kitchen to your room. You and Kelstra were playing music, making the kitchen and living room noisy, “Hello? Mom?”

“ _Baby, it’s Nicky_ ,” she cried.

Your stomach fell, “What about Nicky?”

It took your mom a while to get her words out, “ _I’m—I’m at the doctor with Nicky and—well, I’m in the hallway,_ ”

“Okay, what _happened_?”

Your mom cried harder, gasping for air, as she replied, “ _Oh, bug, he broke his arm_ ,”

Your mom could be dramatic at times.

“He—hold on, he’s like breathing and everything? He just broke his…arm?”

“ _What? Yes, he’s breathing, bug,_ ” your mom was still sobbing, “ _He broke his arm and he—he just was trying to walk on his own when I wasn’t there, and you know how frustrated he gets. Nicky wanted to do it himself in his room without help and he—he fell and he’s so upset with himself_ ,” she cried more.

Your heart hurt. Nicky just wanted to his old self again. Now he was just more in pain.

Your mom went on, “ _He’s just so sad, baby and it makes me so sad. And he’s so angry. He needs you_ ,”

“C-Can I talk to him?”

“ _He’s so tired and I’m about to take him home. I just wanted to fill you in_ ,” your mom started crying harder, “ _Nicky is just so upset_!”

God, your week was so depressing.

“Mama, I’ll be home tomorrow. Is that okay? I should be there before noon but you know how the trains can be so it might be later,” you told her, trying to keep your voice calm even though you felt so sad, “But I’ll be there,”

“ _Oh, I didn’t know you’d come tomorrow. I thought you’d be here Saturday,_ ” she sounded relieved, “ _He needs his big sister, bug. Will you come tomorrow as early as you can?”_

“Yes, I’ll come home first thing tomorrow. Will you give him a kiss for me? And tell him I love him? I’m gonna text him, too, but will you tell him?”

She sniffled, “ _Yes. I love you, bug_ ,”

“Love you, Ma,”

The call ended and your heart sank. Your baby brother was hurting, inside and out, and he needed you. Your eyes watered for a moment, but you decided that now was no time to cry. You had to be the stereotypical older sister and push away your emotions to support everyone else’s. Lovely.

You sniffled a little and texted Nicky a quick ‘I love you. I’ll see you soon’ and tossed your phone on your bed. You started to pack your things now so you could go to bed early and get up at four in the fucking morning for the earliest train home.

While you were packing, Kelstra walked into your room.

“Are you okay? Who was that?”

She scared you a little, making you jump, “Oh, um. My mom. Did you put the dish in the oven and set a timer already?”

Kelstra cocked her head, “Yes. Duh. That’s not important though. What happened?”

You stopped shoving shit into your little suitcase and sat on your bed, defeated from this awful fucking week, “Nicky broke his arm trying to walk on his own and he’s really upset,” you frowned, “I’m leaving earlier than I was going to tomorrow so I can get to him,”

“Oh my God, really? Fuck! Well, you need to leave _tonight_!” Kelstra ran to your things, helping you pack.

“K, Trains don’t run this late all the way there and I don’t have a car. Neither do you or any of our other friends. I don’t know _anyone_ in this city with one,”

Kelstra gave you a look, “You don’t know _anyone_?”

You knew Kylo, but you weren’t going to ask him. You didn’t even have his number in your phone and you already wiped the old phone for Nicky to use.

You shook your head, “No, I don’t know anyone. I’ll just leave tomorrow,”

Kelstra didn’t give up, hands on her hips, “Fuck no. You need to get to Nicky. I bet you he feels so isolated and I’m sure he needs someone to talk to,”

“I mean, my mom’s there,”

“Girl,” she rolled her eyes, “What fifteen-year-old boy likes to talk to their _mom_?”

You took a deep breath, “Yeah…”

Kelstra was deep in thought, biting her lip, eyes at the ceiling. It took her a moment, but she finally asked, “Hey, who dropped you off the other day?”

“B—"

Oh.

It’d be worth a shot to ask Barry, right?

A phone call and an hour later, Barry was at your door, picking you up.

“Hello, Angel,”

You didn’t mind he called you that.

“Hey, Barry…thank you so much. As soon as we get there, my mom can pay you whatever you want and we can pay for a hotel. I know it’s late. I’m so so so so sorry—”

He interrupted you, shaking his head, “No problem. No need to pay me,”

“I’m going to anyway,” you smiled as he took your bags like the nice man he was.

While he walked you to his black SUV, Barry opened the back door for you, “Will you sit back here? It’s my night with my daughter and I told her she’d have a friend to play with in the back,”

Your eyes went wide as he opened the door for you to see her. In a little booster seat, sat a five-year-old little girl, with big blue eyes and dark brown hair. You wanted to scream because she was so cute.

You grinned at her and waved, “Hi, friend!!”

“Great,” Barry mumbled, taking your things to the trunk.

The four-and-a-half car ride home was fun. It was dark, so you couldn’t really see what Barry’s daughter, Astrid, was playing with, but that was okay. You just pretended to know what she was going on about and it made no difference to her.

Barry stopped at a McDonald’s halfway there and got you and Astrid happy meals. This big, scary man was a soft, loving dad and you felt the fatherly love extend to you, too.

Finally there, you said goodbye to Astrid and thanked Barry a million times for driving you all the way here as he walked you up to your childhood home.

You noticed a new ramp put in for Nicky on the way to the porch for better accessibility up the stairs. It wasn’t there the last time you were here.

You shrugged it off.

“I’m serious. I owe you. Like a TON, Barry,” you said, turning to him at your door.

“You can babysit sometime to make up,”

You gave him a little smile, “Okay,”

Barry put a hand on your shoulder, like an awkward father, “Let me—Let me know if you need picked up,”

You pushed yourself close to Barry and gave him a hug, just like when he dropped you off the other day.

He hugged you back.

“Thanks, Barry,” you whispered.

“No problem, kid,”

It was around 11PM when you stepped inside of the house. It was dark, and as you peeked in everyone’s rooms, you saw that both your mom and Nicky were sleeping already. Nicky was probably beat from his terrible day, pain meds probably making him sleepy, and your mom was already an early bird and must have turned in around 8:30 or 9PM.

After putting your things down and changing into pajamas, you crawled into Nicky’s bed and slept beside your baby brother for the night.

\--

You spent most of the next day playing Uno with Nicky and your mom. It was thunderstorming like a bitch outside, so there was nothing to do and nowhere to take him for fun. It’s not like he’d enjoy it anyway. He was being pretty mopey, although that was understandable.

You’d be pretty mopey too if you were an almost sixteen-year-old kid with a body that suddenly stopped ‘working’ overnight.

Nicky was having trouble organizing and holding his cards with only one hand because of his freshly broken arm, and after a while, he threw his cards down and hung his head, mumbling, “I can’t do anything,”

“Oh, Nicky,” you frowned, moving over next to him, taking his free hand, “You just—you just have a broken arm. It’ll heal in what? Six weeks? We can do something else, if you want,”

Because you were so close to his chair now, inspecting it, you noticed it was different than the one that was here last time. This one was nicer. More advanced.

Expensive looking.

“My _legs_ won’t heal in six weeks. Or _ever_ ,” Nicky complained, breaking your thoughts.

Your mom quickly interjected, “It’s a slow process, Nicolas. Don’t talk like that. You’ll walk soon enough,”

Nicky looked at you, exhausted, “This fucking sucks,”

“Nicolas Lee!” your mom said, eyebrows raised, “ _Language,_ ”

“Mama, will you make lunch? Please? I’m hungry,” you asked, really only wanting her to leave so you could talk to Nicky.

She got up and went to the kitchen.

“Nicky, I know it fucking sucks,” you started, moving your head in front of him to make him look at you, “But Mom is right. It takes time…but it seems like you’re getting there! I think it’s lucky you’re even able to feel me poke you sometimes,”

You poked at his leg and it made him smile.

“Hey, are your friends coming over tomorrow? For your party? Do you have a headcount? I was going to run to the store tomorrow morning and get stuff,” you wanted to change the subject to something happier to get him out of his mood.

Nicky thought for a moment and counted on his fingers, “Uh, I think there’s seven of them coming,”

“You have more friends than me. I’m jealous,” you joked, but you were also being a little serious, “Then, I’ll make sure to get enough snacks and stuff, okay? I can’t believe you’ll be sixteen at midnight, Nicky! I remember when Mom came home from the hospi—”

He messed up your hair, probably because you were starting to get mushy (he could tell when you started to get like that), and rolled his eyes, “Whatever, I’m not a baby anymore,”

“Hey!” you patted your hair back down, then grabbed his cheeks, squishing them, “You’ll always be a baby,”

Nicky shouted for your mom, telling her that you were annoying him.

This was how it was every time you came home, pretty much.

The rest of the day dragged on with really nothing to do because of the weather. You stayed cooped up in the house all day, but were excited for tomorrow’s little party for Nicky, thinking of all the things you were going to get at the store tomorrow. The decorations were already picked up by your mom and stored away in a small cabinet somewhere.

Nicky was better as the day went on, but it was so shitty to watch him try to do everyday tasks, already struggling with getting used to not using his legs, but also struggling with only one arm available.

At one point, Kelstra called you screaming into the phone about someone she saw, but then the call failed from your lack of service. You figured she was just trying to gossip as usual, so you made a mental note to call her tomorrow while you were out when the service was better.

After dinner, you all watched a movie, but Nicky went to bed halfway through, his pain meds still making him drowsy. Later on, you and your mom were drinking hot tea in the living room, chatting, when you decided to bring up a few things you noticed.

“Hey, Nicky’s wheelchair is like…really nice,” you began, casually, “It’s not as nice as the one that he was using last time I was here,”

She sipped her tea, “Yeah, bug. I got him a new one,”

“And I noticed that you got a ramp outside for him, too,” you added.

“…yes. For accessibility,”

“But that seems expensive,”

Your mom nodded, “It was,”

“Well,” you started nervously, “I just—Have you been working overtime or something? I can start helping soon, Mama. Like, _really_ help,”

“Not necessary, bug,” she shook her head.

You protested, “No, like I really can. I know that everything is a lot right now and with his bills and the house and all of this new stuff I can help soo—"

“It’s okay. The bills for Nicky’s accident and everything after just…disappeared,” she explained, laughing a bit, “I didn’t ask and the person I spoke on the phone with just said that I didn’t owe anything, bug. Because we don’t have to worry about that anymore, I wanted to spend the money I’d be using for the bills and put them toward a ramp and a nicer chair for Nicky,”

You stared at her, blinking, “So, it just…disappeared? The amount that you owed?”

“Yes. It was our lucky day, I think. It was a blessing that it all got lost,” she smiled, “The Lord works in mysterious ways, bug,”

“…the Lord, mhm,” you muttered, knowing exactly what the ‘blessing’ was.

You were 99% sure it was Kylo.

You went on, questioning, “Hey, Mama, when did that happen? Like Monday? Just curious,”

She laughed, “Oh no, bug. Four weeks ago or so,”

“F-Four weeks ago?”

“Mhm,”

Right when you’d told Kylo about who Nicky was. About why you were there. About why you needed that TV. He knew exactly why you needed the money and he paid it off while you were there.

Before you had sex.

Before everything.

Just because Kylo wanted to. Because he could. Because maybe, just maybe, he already cared about you by then.

And if you already had the money you needed, if it was all paid off, then you wouldn’t be there. So, he didn’t tell you.

Because he wanted you to stay.

“I’m going to bed,” you mom told you, interrupting your mini-detective work, “You’re going to make the place up real nice for Nicky, right?”

You were going to blow balloons up, hang string on the walls, and get the living room all decorated for Nicky’s birthday tomorrow for when he woke up. You nodded, “Yeah, yeah. I’ll do that in a few minutes,”

After your mom went to bed, that’s exactly what you did. You went all out on the fucking balloons, throwing them everywhere, taping string in every corner and letting it line the tops of the wall.

You just wanted Nicky to have a nice birthday.

It was around 12:30AM, and normally by now you’d be in your bed, scrolling on your phone, but you were still awake, watching TV in the living room. You weren’t really paying attention to anything on, though. You just kept thinking about Kylo and how he was never going to tell you about the money. How he was going to let you have all of the extra cash from the gala. How he knew all along that you didn’t really have to be there anymore, because what you came for was already taken care of by him.

You just wished you could tell him that you would’ve stayed anyway.

And that you _still_ wanted to stay.

A big crack of lightning outside made you jump and sit up on the couch, gripping your throw blanket. You muttered a small ‘Jesus Christ’ and got up, peeking out of a window to see outside. The wind was blowing and you figured there’d be a tree on the ground or something by now.

That’s when you saw a soaking wet stranger between your porch and driveway, standing in the rain, thinking and pacing.

You started to get scared because it was looking like you were about to be murdered or something, until you looked at the car out on the curb.

You swore you recognized it.

The stranger started to walk to their car, then stopped, only to turn around again, as if they were having trouble deciding what to do. When they turned around and distant lightning lit up the area, you were able to see their face.

In the front yard of your childhood home, four and a half hours away from the city, Kylo was outside, in the rain, trying to figure out what to do.


	26. are you warm?

In a split second, you were at your front door, turning on the porch light and stepping outside, into the cold air. Your arms were crossed, keeping yourself warm and your mind was spinning as Kylo saw you, locking his eyes with yours.

You never really thought you’d see him again in all actuality, but _here_ of all places? Fuck no. Your stomach was in a knot and you were shaking a little out of anxiety and from the cold. You were pretty sure you were about to throw up, too.

Honestly, you didn’t know if this was really even happening from the way Kylo was just standing still, looking at you. He was just…in the rain, letting himself soak. He looked like he saw a ghost, even though _he_ was the one who came _here._ If anyone was seeing a fucking ghost, it was you.

“Kylo!” you yelled over the loud rain to Kylo, fifty yards away, “Come here! Get out of the rain!” you waved him over, still anxious, your stomach nearly about to leap out of your throat.

Kylo finally blinked, maybe realizing this was actually real, and walked your way until he came up and onto the porch, wet, hair in his face, looking at you with concern. He reached you and took your face in his cold, wet hands, but you didn’t care about how they felt. You just missed them on you.

“Wh-What are you doing here?” you looked at him, full of worry, “Are you oka—”

“My baby, my love,” Kylo pulled your face close to his and began kissing you all over your forehead, your nose, your cheeks, all while mumbling, “Are you alright?”

You were shocked, blinking at him. You loved that he was kissing you all over, but you didn’t know why he was asking if _you_ were the one who was alright. Kylo was acting like he was on drugs.

He faced you now, “I’m sorry I came here I just—Is _Nicolas_ alright? Are _you_ okay?” he shook your face a little bit as he spoke, his warm breath visible in the cold air, “How is he? Tell me how he is and I can make it better, love. I want to make it better,”

Kylo was here for…Nicky?

Kylo’s lips were red and wet. Water was dripping from his hair, down his face, and this was the most intense you’d ever seen him. You saw him angry and upset the other day, but that didn’t compare to how he looked now.

He pressed his forehead on yours, waiting for a reply, “How is he, baby?”

You naturally put your hands over his as they still held your face, “Uh, Nicky? He’s in bed sleeping, Kylo. Why? Wh—”

“Is he okay?” Kylo shook your face again, “How is he?”

What in the fuck.

“Kylo, he’s fine. I don’t understand?” you knit your brow, confused.

“He’s alright?” Kylo asked, equally as confused as you, and pulled his head back, “Nothing’s wrong?”

“He’s fine…nothing’s wrong, Kylo,” you cocked your head, “What happened? Why are you—why are you here?”

Kylo dropped his hands and looked down in thought, also probably embarrassed, “Oh,”

You wanted his hands on you again, but instead, you just went back to hugging yourself to keep warm, “W-What happened? What’s going on?”

Another loud boom of thunder nearby sounded, and you jumped.

“Fuck, it’s cold and scary out here. You should come inside, Kylo. You’re all wet,” you opened your front door and motioned for him to come in, “We can talk where it’s warm and you can tell me what’s going on, okay? Come inside, Kylo,”

He hesitated, but did as you said, walking into your home.

Kylo started to explain as he looked around, shivering, “I’m sorry I’m here, but I saw—I saw your friend,”

“Kelstra?”

Kylo nodded and was shaking from being so cold as you led him to a bathroom in a nearby hall.

“Okay, well you can tell me about her in a second but I’m going to go get some of Nicky’s clothes for you to wear, okay? We can put yours in the dryer,” you made him go in the bathroom as you quietly ran to Nicky’s room and snuck around in the dark, searching for his biggest pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt.

Kylo’s huge frame was no match for a freshly sixteen-year-old kid.

You weren’t even thinking about how this was all so strange right now. You were just thinking about how you needed to get Kylo warm. About how you wanted to take care of him. Talk to him. You were so thankful he was here, in a way.

You didn’t really _care_ why.

Back to the bathroom, you handed Kylo some clothes and told him he could use a towel to dry himself off. You were about to leave and give him privacy when Kylo stopped you.

“Will you—uh, help?” he asked. Kylo’s body was pretty stiff and cold. You would imagine it’d be hard to take off your soaking wet clothes with fingers that were frozen, arms that were rigid, all while shivering. He added through chattering teeth, “I’m just really cold,”

“Oh,” you went in and shut the door behind you, “Sure, Kylo,”

You helped him take off his open jacket, then gently lifted the end of his t-shirt up his body.

“You’re going to have to put your arms up, Kylo,” you said softly. You could tell he didn’t want to with the face he made, but did anyway. You lifted his t-shirt all the way up and took it off of him. As soon as it was off, Kylo’s arms were back down at his side and he was shivering more. You picked up the towel and put it around him, “Here. You get warm and I’ll—I’ll do this part, okay? Kick your shoes off,”

Your hands were at his jeans, on his belt, and Kylo nodded, kicking off his shoes like you asked.

It was so strange to undress him like this. Your fingers were shaking a little, just from being nervous in his presence as you unbuckled his belt, then unzipped his jeans and took them off of him.

“Here, Kylo,” you took the towel from him, “I’ll dry off your legs and you put the shirt on, okay?” Kylo nodded, putting the shirt on as you kneeled, drying off his shins. Luckily, his boxers were dry, so you didn’t have to mess with that right now.

When you were done, you handed him the pajama pants and said you’d be right back, putting his things in the dryer on the other side of the house. As you walked over to the laundry room, your mind started to scream again and your stomach went on churning.

Kylo was _here_.

It’s like you kept having to tell yourself that just to be sure you weren’t dreaming.

You went back to the bathroom after starting the dryer and saw Kylo, hair messy from toweling it off, standing awkwardly, looking down at his pants. Nicky’s were shorter on Kylo, exposing a lot of his ankle.

“I forget how big you are,” you smiled, then saw him shake more.

Without a second thought, you took his hands, putting them at his chest, then wrapped your arms around him, trying to keep him warm in some kind of hug. Even though Kylo was bigger than you by a bunch, you were still trying.

“I’m sorry that you’re cold,” you whispered, “I wish I was a heater or something,”

Kylo exhaled deeply and kept his hands between your bodies, keeping them warm. He leaned his head down, putting it next to yours, trying his best to make himself small. You ran your hands up and down his back quickly, then moved them to his arms, just trying to be helpful.

It was nice to feel him again, even though it sucked that these were your circumstances.

After a minute or two, you remembered Kelstra.

You backed away from Kylo and he stood up straight as you spoke, “Um—do you want to talk in the kitchen? I can make you some hot tea. I think it’ll help with how cold you are, and I can get you a blanket. I’m sure a blanket would be better than me trying to help,”

Kylo was still shivering a bit as he said, “Okay,”

You grabbed a throw blanket from the living room on your way to the kitchen and gave it to Kylo, then told him to sit at a little table while you made tea. You noticed the way he inspected you, busy in the kitchen.

You remembered that you were wearing pajamas Kylo had never seen before. While he’d seen you in sleep shorts and a tank top before, this was nothing like the silk you had while at his place.

On these ones, were little blue butterflies and you were so embarrassed.

“So…what happened when you ran into Kelstra?” you asked, breaking your attention off of how insecure you were about your pajamas, feeling like a child.

Kylo had the blanket wrapped tightly around him and you’d never seen him look so nervous, so out of place, so uneasy with his environment. He looked lost and out of his element. It was scary to see him like this.

“I saw her on the street today and—and she yelled at me,”

You had your back turned to him, filling up a kettle with water, and rolled your eyes at your dumb friend.

Kylo went on, “I asked about you—”

That made you turn around, setting the kettle on the stove, eyes on Kylo.

“—she said you had to leave for home unexpectedly…that Nicolas hurt himself,” Kylo explained, “I didn’t know what happened,”

Your lips parted, knowing that Kelstra wasn’t wrong, but she also didn’t tell the whole truth, probably wanting to make Kylo feel like shit. Kylo thought something was seriously wrong, like… _bad_. Not just a broken arm.

And he wanted to come…to help…to be with you and your family.

“You can call him Nicky,” you said softly, “It’s just Nicky, Kylo,”

Kylo nodded, “Okay…Nicky. So, he’s not hurt?”

“He broke his arm, so yeah he’s hurt but—but it was an accident. He was trying to walk on his own,” you frowned, “He fell,”

“Oh,”

You cleared your throat a little, stepping over to the small table and sitting down, “So, you just came to—to check up on Nicky?”

Kylo looked down at his hands and took a moment to answer you, “I don’t remember driving here,” he glanced back up at you, “I just remember that I saw your friend earlier, and then I was here,”

“Oh,” your hands were on the table and you forgot that the ring that Kylo got for you was still on your finger.

You put your hands in your lap.

“So, you thought Nicky was—was really hurt and you just came?” you asked nervously.

Kylo wanted to see how he was, see how you were, see if he could help, because he loved you. You knew that’s why he came. Maybe he just didn’t know it, himself.

He nodded, “Yes…I just came,”

You gave him a small, sad smile, then reached your hands over to his, holding them. They were still so cold. It was a good thing yours fit perfectly with his, warming them up.

“I’m so glad that you’re here,” your voice was quiet, like you didn’t know if you should even say that. You didn’t know what this whole thing was, especially now, but all you knew was that Kylo was here, and this was where he was supposed to be.

With you.

Kylo looked at your hands in his, then moved his thumb over the ring. His lips parted to say something, but then the kettle started to whistle. You had to get up quick to quiet it down so it wouldn’t wake anyone.

You gave Kylo a cup of tea and made one for yourself, sipping it and sitting back down at the table.

“Um, how have you been?”

You hated small talk, but you didn’t know what else to say.

“Fine. You?” Kylo blew on his tea and kept his hands tight around the cup, keeping them warm.

_Actually, I’ve been miserable without you. Thanks for asking._

“Fine,”

Kylo took a sip and kept his eyes on the cup as he replied, “Oh, good,”

It was quiet as you both drank the warm liquid, not knowing where to go next. You so desperately wanted to hug him, tell him you missed him, kiss him. But you couldn’t. He was right in front of you, but he felt so far. You both could be such children, never saying how you felt, what you wanted, etc. This was how it was all month between you two.

But for as self-aware as you were, you still never said anything.

Kylo suddenly stood, putting his now empty cup on the table and pushing in his chair, “I can go now…and I can mail these clothes back tomorrow. I’m sorry for coming,” his brows were furrowed and he looked as though he remembered he shouldn’t be here.

As if he didn’t belong.

But he did.

“I um—I’m going to leave,” he added turning around.

You stood, too, and grabbed his hand, gripping it tight. You didn’t want him to leave you again. You didn’t want this to be the end. You just wanted one more night, whatever that would look like.

“I don’t think you should leave, Kylo. It’s late and still storming. You should just stay,” you told him, using the storm as an excuse of why he should stay, even though it was just you being selfish.

“Stay?”

“The night,” you nodded, dropping his hand, then took his mug along with yours to the sink, “You can sleep on…my floor—I mean, just in case my mom gets up she won’t murder you or think you’re an intruder if you’re on the couch,”

You wanted him to stay in your bed, but you didn’t know if that’s what he wanted. You weren’t used to his territory with him. The uneasiness, the awkwardness, the endless bouts of quiet. Sure, it was quiet with you and him before sometimes, but it was always comfortable silence.

Never like this.

Kylo pushed his hand through his hair, at war with himself, “I shouldn’t have come and I don’t want to impose—”

“Please stay,” you were looking up at him, desperate, as you stepped in front of him. You wanted him to be here so badly, “Just the night—for safety and my peace of mind,”

Kylo swallowed, “I can leave early tomorrow morning before your family wakes up,”

“Okay,”

“Then I’ll stay…on your floor,” Kylo said, adding, “Just for the night,”

You nodded, “Sure. Just for the night,”

Walking to your room, all quiet like this, felt like you were in high school again, sneaking a boy into your room. Sure, this was so fucking different and his ‘boy’ was a whole ass man, but still. You opened your door and went to the lamp next to your bed, flicking it on.

As Kylo stepped inside, he looked around. You were instantly mortified, remembering what the fuck was in here. Two Harry Styles posters (from when he was in One Direction) were on the wall, academic awards from high school lined your shelves, and you had an insane amount of books (mostly children’s and young adult ones) on your other shelves. Your walls were a light pink and the sheets on your bed were pink, too.

“Um, so this is my old room,” you started, awkwardly, going back to the door and shutting it behind him, “It’s—I haven’t touched it in a while so it’s pretty dated and not my personality anymore,”

You went to sit on the bed and patted the spot at the bottom of the bed for Kylo. He sat down, unphased by your need to explain yourself, then pointed at your posters, “Who’s that?”

“Oh, um Harry Styles. He’s a—he’s a singer. Do you remember that song I played? The one night I was dancing? Well, more like jumping around but—”

“I remember,”

You took one of your pillows, putting it in your lap, and started to play with the fabric of your pillowcase nervously, “Oh, well he sings that song,”

Kylo nodded slowly in understanding, then looked back at you. You were both sitting criss cross, you at the top of your bed, Kylo at the bottom, three feet apart. You were dying to crawl over to him, hug him, bury your head in his neck and beg him not to leave, beg him to tell you that he loved you again, but you didn’t.

You were suddenly very nervous and got off of your mattress, walking to your old closet, getting down extra blankets, “Um, I’ll just make your bed real quick,” you said, heart beating fast.

Kylo didn’t say anything as he kept looking around your room while you made a bed next to yours. You put enough blankets down (hopefully) to where the floor wouldn’t be too uncomfortable for him and grabbed a pillow from your bed, setting it on the floor.

You didn’t notice Kylo get up, and when you finally were done, you saw him standing in one corner of your room, looking at an old picture of you from when you were around ten. He took the frame off of the shelf it was sitting on and held it in his hands, inspecting it.

“Do I look the same?” you laughed nervously, “Or different?”

Kylo put the photo back and said softly, “The same,”

It was quiet again.

“So—” you started, climbing onto your bed again, “You’ll leave tomorrow? Early?”

Kylo nodded and went to sit on the floor, where his new bed was, “Yes. Early. Thank you for letting me stay,”

Even though he called you ‘baby’ and ‘love’ earlier, maybe it was just because he thought something was wrong. After all, he was planning on leaving. That meant he still didn’t want you, or at least, wasn’t _ready_ to want you.

Your heart was slowly breaking again.

“No problem,” you smiled politely, “Are you—uh are you tired?”

You could tell he was lying from the way he quickly looked away from you and replied, “Yes,”

You lied, too, and got under your covers, “Same,”

When Kylo got under his blanket as well, you turned off your small lamp on the bedside table, “Well, goodnight then,”

“Goodnight, li—goodnight,” Kylo replied, almost calling you ‘little angel’.

There were a few minutes of quiet, but from his breathing, you could tell Kylo was still awake.

“Kylo?” you whispered after a while.

“Hm?”

You cleared your throat a little, “How’s—uh how’s the floor?”

“A little cold,”

You frowned, “Oh, I’m sorry,”

“It’s okay,”

You let a few more moments of quiet pass as you thought about how to make him warmer.

“Um,” you started, “Would it help if you were like, up here?”

You wished you could see him, but you couldn’t. Kylo softly asked, “Up there?”

“Yes…in my bed. It’s just that the vent is right above me and it’s warmer here,” you explained, “There’s not a lot of space but there’s enough—if you want, I mean. Um, but you don’t have to, I just thought I’d offer,”

Kylo didn’t say anything for a moment, and you were cringing at yourself. This was stupid. He wasn’t your boyfriend.

Kylo finally spoke, “It’d be nice to be warmer,”

Okay so maybe this wasn’t that stupid.

“S-So you want to come up here, then?”

You heard the rustling of blankets and knew Kylo was getting up there with you, “To be warmer, if you don’t mind,”

In a split second, and maybe a little too eagerly, you scooted over and lifted the blanket so that he could get in. As you felt the bed dip and knew Kylo was here, so close to you, you got insanely anxious. Your heart was beating fast, even though you’d slept next to him so many times.

But this was different.

You both were lying on your back in your small bed, shoulders touching, hips touching, feet barely touching. Both of you were so incredibly stiff, anxious.

“A-Are you warm?” you asked after a few seconds of Kylo getting settled.

You felt him nod next to you, “Warm enough,”

“Would it help if I got closer? If we were—uh, laying different?” this was feeling like when you both were sick all over again. You remembered how cold Kylo was, how you let him cuddle you to keep warm. It was before anything had _really_ happened between the two of you.

Kylo’s breaths were getting shallower, matching yours, as he replied, “Maybe,”

“Okay,” you whispered, then moved to your side so Kylo could spoon you, like he always did.

Kylo instantly followed you, moving to his side, too, and his skin found yours. Kylo’s hand went in your shirt and his cold fingers were on your stomach. He dug his nose in your hair and pressed his body on yours as you both exhaled a little, getting rid of some tension you two had inside.

He was back where he belonged, with you, and you were back where you belonged, with him. You just didn’t know how long this would last. He was leaving tomorrow and then it’d be all over again.

You relaxed back into him, making a home for yourself like you always did. You were so glad that he was here, sleeping beside you, pretending, for even a moment, that things were back to normal.

Kylo quickly took his hands out of your shirt, suddenly realizing his actions, and apologized, “I’m sorry. I’m just used t—I’m sorry,”

He set his hand on the mattress in front of you.

You took his hand with yours, and moved it back into your shirt, where you knew it was warm. Also, you just wanted him to touch you.

“You can keep it here, Kylo. I don’t mind,” you left your hand on top of his, just holding it for a moment, before you took it off and placed it back where it was before.

“Okay,”

It was quiet again for a minute or two.

“Did you see the book?” Kylo asked, suddenly, “The surprise book?”

“I did,”

His deep voice was hushed in your hair, vibrating a little against your head, “Was it okay?”

“Yes. I love that book,”

“Oh, good,”

There was another pause.

“What have you been up to? I mean, the past few days,” you asked, “If—If it’s okay of me to ask, I mean,”

Kylo shifted a little behind you as he replied, “I went to visit someone,”

“Oh…who?”

“My uncle,”

Your eyes were already open, but they got wider at that. You thought his family was gone. You thought that he didn’t really have anyone.

You tried not to act so surprised as you spoke, “I didn’t know you had an uncle,”

“We’re not close,”

“Oh. Well, why’d you go to see him? Or—sorry, I mean, was it a nice trip?” you really weren’t trying to get into his business, but you were curious. You just had to keep reminding yourself that you weren’t the person he told all of his shit to. You weren’t his girlfriend. You weren’t really anything.

Kylo told you anyway, “I wanted advice…and no, it wasn’t a nice trip,”

“Oh, sorry. That sucks,”

“It’s okay. It wasn’t a bad trip, either. We’re just not close,” he said softly.

“Well—” you swallowed, “Did you at least get good advice?”

You felt Kylo shake his head behind you, “No. I didn’t ask what I meant to, anyway,”

“Oh…why?”

“I knew what my answer was. I didn’t need him,” Kylo’s voice was still soft, gentle, delicate, as he spoke, “There are things I’d like to ta—”

Loud thunder rang outside and it made you tense up.

“Good God,” you whispered, squeezing your eyes shut, “That one was loud,”

Kylo held you tighter, whispering, “I didn’t know you were scared of storms, little angel,”

You didn’t notice his hand was on yours, holding it, until just now.

“It never stormed like this when we were with each other,”

“It didn’t, did it?” he squeezed your hand.

“No, it didn’t,”

Maybe that was the universe’s way of saying that you two were supposed to be together or something. Maybe it was storming so bad now because you _weren’t_ currently together.

Or maybe you were just grasping at straws with that.

Kylo began to play with the ring on your finger, twisting it, and quietly said, “I’m glad you wear this,”

There was so much love in your chest, you thought you’d explode.

“It’s my favorite thing that I have,” you replied, turning around. You wanted to face him, even though it was dark, “I love it, Kylo,”

“Oh, good,” Kylo said, his hand finding yours again, twisting your ring. He let some time pass, just playing with your jewelry that you never took off, until he spoke again, his voice small, “I’ll wake you when I leave tomorrow,”

The love in your chest instantly turned into a pain.

“Okay, if that’s what you want,” you whispered, turning back around. You changed the subject quickly, “Are you still warm?”

“Yes, I’m warm. I can get down now,”

It was so hard to stay awake when you were in Kylo’s arms. You already felt yourself feeling heavy, sleep approaching.

“Is that what you want?” you mumbled.

Kylo could tell you were nearly asleep by now. He started to hold your hand again, feeling bold, “No. That’s not what I want,”

“You want to stay up here? With me?”

He was whispering in your hair again, “I want so much,”

Too fucking tired to carry this conversation on, you replied with a small, “Me too,”

Kylo met you with, “Tomorrow,” and that was all that was said for the rest of the night. 

_Tomorrow._


	27. you're wearing my shirt, man.

You woke up warm, almost hot.

Nearly suffocating, too.

There was pressure on your chest, your legs, your torso, your arms, you name it. Your whole body was nearly under something, and as you slowly woke up, realizing what it was that was on you, making you so hot, you saw that it was Kylo.

You'd never slept like this before—at least, you weren't aware that you had. It was always Kylo holding you or you sprawled out on him, Kylo practically having to peel you off of himself each morning.

But today was different.

You opened your eyes and adjusted to the light in the room. When you looked down, Kylo's head was at your chest, his arm was over you, one of his legs was over you. Half of his body was on top of you as you had your own arms around his head/neck area, holding him.

He'd never clung like this before.

Sighing deeply and trying to wake up fully, you mindlessly brushed your hands through Kylo's hair. It was a little tangly, probably from last night, being out in the rain, but you kept your hands in it, softly brushing. You decided to close your eyes again, not wanting to wake up. If you were awake, you'd have to come to terms with him leaving.

But then you remembered that it was light outside.

And that meant that he should have left a few hours ago.

Kylo must have felt your hands in his hair, waking him up, too. He took a deep breath, turning his head to your stomach and inhaling your shirt. Kylo's hands were now at your sides, holding you, and as he breathed you in, Kylo shifted himself to be all the way on top of you.

"Hi," you whispered, hands still in his hair, eyes now open and peeking down at him.

Kylo looked a little surprised, maybe thinking you were still asleep, and his sleepy eyes widened for a second, then softened. He crawled up to you, wrapping his arms around you, then buried his face into your neck, nuzzling himself there. He wasn't kissing you or putting himself on top of you to try anything, he was just...being close.

Kylo's hold around you tightened, and you realized that he was hugging you as you laid there, surprised.

Kylo hugged you _rarely_.

He whispered into your neck, replying, "Hi, baby,"

You wrapped your arms around him in return and scratched softly up and down his back. Were you back to normal? Was he just saying hi? Was he about to leave? Was this your last goodbye or something? You didn't know what was going on.

"Kylo, are we—"

Your door swung open and you heard a yell, "Holy shit!"

You sat up in bed quicker than you ever had before, pushing Kylo off of you, "Nicky, what t—"

"Who is that?!" he laughed, pointing, "Mom!"

You shot Nicky a death glare and put your finger over your lips, "Shut the fuck up, Nicky," you whispered.

Kylo sat up, scooting himself backward until he rested against the headboard, and gave Nicky a polite, but awkward, smile, "Hi," in a raspy, tired voice. You felt his hand reach under the blanket to your thigh, squeezing it.

Nicky knit his brow and inspected Kylo for a moment, "You're wearing my shirt, man,"

"Oh," Kylo looked down at the t-shirt you gave him that was clearly too small, "Sorry...yeah,"

"Who's this dude?" Nicky asked, glancing at you.

His voice was too loud for your liking.

"Fucking hell," you got out of bed and bent down in front of Nicky, putting your finger in his face, "Tell mom you don't need her anymore and don't say a word about Kylo. Let me handle it, Nicky. Got it?"

He looked a little scared, never really seeing you this serious, "Jesus, okay,"

You gave him a smile and kissed his head, "Also, happy birthday, bubba,"

"Thanks," Nicky looked at Kylo, "It's my birthday,"

Kylo nodded, "Yeah...happy birthday. Sixteen, right?"

"Yeah. What's your name again?"

"It's Kylo," you and Kylo said at the same time.

Nicky looked at you, then Kylo, "Kylo?"

Kylo nodded.

"Cool. Mom's making breakfast. Should I tell her you have...a _friend_?" Nicky peeked up at you.

You took a deep breath and looked at Kylo, "Are you staying for food?"

You wanted him to stay so badly.

Kylo nodded, "I can stay...for food,"

You smiled for a moment, then turned back to Nicky, "Tell her I have a friend over and to make extra and _that's it_. Okay? Don't say anything else. I know she'll freak out if you tell her anything,"

Nicky would probably be a pesky little brother and tell her you brought home a hitchhiker or a Tinder date or something, sending her into a spiral. You just wanted to explain in your own words what Kylo was doing here.

"Got it," Nicky smirked. You rolled your eyes and opened the door so he could leave. Before Nicky left, he waved at Kylo, "See you at breakfast, man,"

You shut the door quickly, embarrassed.

"I'm...so sorry, Kylo," you apologized, then remembered that he was still fucking here.

You walked over to the bed where Kylo was sitting up, looking a little startled from meeting Nicky. You sat in front of him, and your voice was soft, saying, "You didn't leave,"

Kylo shook his head.

"Why?"

His hand found your leg and started to trace circles into your skin, mindlessly, "I forgot how much better I sleep when I'm next to you. I didn't wake up. I'm sorry," he apologized, "I can go,"

You scooted closer to him, putting your hand on his, "I don't want you to go...I think you should stay—at least, a little longer. Do you want to stay for Nicky's party today? I have to make a cake and go to the store and...and it'd be nice to hang out and talk, maybe,"

You didn't know what the fuck you were doing, asking if he wanted to 'hang out'. In just a few minutes, you and Kylo were going to go out, eat breakfast with your mother and Nicky, then pretend to have a normal day. Kylo was meeting your family, only for him to leave again.

But in this moment, you didn't care. You wanted him to stay longer. You _needed_ him to stay longer, no matter how much it hurt, knowing he'd leave.

Your mind was spinning back and forth.

"Stay for his...party?" Kylo asked.

"Oh," you looked down, feeling dumb, "Yeah it's just going to be a couple high schoolers and my mom and I and—you don't have to,"

Kylo got up from the bed, leaving you feeling empty, until he replied, "I'll stay,"

"Really?" you got up, too.

"Yes. I'll stay,"

Now in your small bathroom, you both were brushing your teeth. You found an unused, sealed toothbrush in a cabinet for Kylo and, just like old times, you gave each other small glances in the mirror.

You wondered what the sudden change of heart was from him, going from 'I'm leaving before anyone is awake' to 'I'll stay for a whole ass birthday party' but you weren't complaining. Every extra second you had with Kylo would be a good one.

Kylo needed to shower, so as he did, you went and grabbed his clothes from the dryer and put them in the bathroom for him.

While he was finishing up, you shuffled into the kitchen and saw your mom making breakfast.

"Hi," you greeted her awkwardly, peeking over at Nicky in the living room, "Did Nicky tell you that I had a friend over?"

Your mom looked up from the stove. She was making French toast and bacon, Nicky's favorite. She grinned, "Morning, bug! He _did_ tell me I was making extra food for someone. Who came over?"

_Oh, you know, this guy that bought my virginity and also paid off all of the bills and I still need to talk to him about that and also tell him that I still love him and I hope that he still loves me and wants to be with me...just the regular._

"My friend from the city. He uh—he came last night because he heard about Nicky's arm and he wanted to see how he was," you smiled and realized you weren't lying. Kylo cared.

Nicky piped up, "I don't even kno—"

You gave Nicky big eyes and mouthed 'please'. You didn't want to make this into something crazy with your mom.

"Yeah, Kylo's...cool," Nicky finished, picking up what you were putting down, "I definitely have seen him before this morning,"

"Oh, that was nice of him, bug," your mom went to get a glass of water and kept talking, "So...is he a _special_ friend, then?"

You rubbed the back of your neck, not really knowing how to answer that. Was he? You gave a weird answer back, "He's...something, that's for sure,"

Suddenly, Kylo came out of the hall leading to your bedroom and bathroom, making himself known. Nicky looked him up and down, probably just now realizing how tall he was, and your mom looked more than happy to be in his presence.

"Is this my bug's friend from the big city?!" she exclaimed as Kylo stepped next to you.

"Yes...that's me," Kylo outstretched his hand, "Kylo,"

Your mom shook his hand, then went back to cooking, saying, "Lovely to meet you. How long are you staying?"

"Oh, he's just—um, I think just for the day, Mama," you replied, not wanting Kylo to feel the pressure of answering.

You felt his big hand on your lower back, just touching you.

"Well, welcome. I hope my bug has been a nice host so far. Her floor must have been uncomfortable, I hope your back is okay," your mom said, giving you a look, then had to yell a little, calling out to Nicky, "Breakfast, Nicolas!"

Breakfast was...interesting. Nicky kept eyeing you and Kylo at the small table, and your mom kept asking him questions, wanting to know about him. You forgot how unnecessary it was, this whole thing. He wouldn't really ever see them again.

Kylo didn't seem to mind, though. He was polite, answering questions, even when your mom asked about his age. It made you physically cringe, remembering the age gap you had and how it probably looked, but it was a nonissue to you and Kylo. You just liked each other. Nothing else really mattered.

When breakfast was over, your mom asked you to do the dishes. You were so spoiled with Kylo, never having to do them, that the thought of it made you groan, "Finneeee,"

In a flash, it seemed, as you got to the sink with all of the plates, Kylo was next to you, holding the silverware and cups.

"I can help,"

You gave a pathetic laugh, "Oh, God. You don't have to. I'm just dramatic,"

Kylo turned the water on, "I always do them, though. Let me help,"

Somehow, in the span of the last ten hours or so, you and Kylo were inching back to normal. Maybe.

He did the dishes with you for a few minutes and every so often, Kylo's fingers would touch yours as you handed him a plate to dry. It felt like he kept his skin lingering on yours for as long as he could before resuming his task.

Kylo was touching you a lot, you noticed, but he would never kiss you.

Your mom ended up going to the store for you, getting the stuff you needed, like snacks, cake mix, icing, and a gift box for Nicky's new phone. You and Kylo hung out with Nicky while she was gone, but it was mostly just Nicky asking Kylo how tall he was and how the weather was 'up there', being a little shit.

Sitting on the couch next to Kylo as Nicky teased him was no different from this morning or the dishes. He was still touching you. Kylo's arm would be around you, his hand would be playing with the ends of your hair, he'd move your hand to his knee, you name it.

Still touching. Never kissing, though.

When your mom was back, you shooed Nicky away from the kitchen, not letting him see the cake you were about to make.

The loud mixer was putting together the cheap cake powder and the rest of the ingredients while you and Kylo stood side by side, leaning on the counter.

"So, bug, huh?"

Kylo was referencing the name your mother called you.

"She's always called me that," you explained, "I used to like playing outside and called bugs my friends. She said that I was a bug, too, and it just...stuck,"

He started to twist the ends of your hair between his fingers, "Hm, can I call you that?"

"Absolutely not," you gave him a playful push, then asked, "Did you have any nicknames growing up?"

Kylo's hand left your hair and he looked at the floor as he hesitantly told you, "My mom called me her moon sometimes,"

"Her moon?" you had literal puppy dog eyes at the picture of a small Kylo/Ben, being called his mother's 'moon'.

"Mhm. She'd—this is stupid, never mind," Kylo huffed, clearly embarrassed, stopping himself.

You shook your head and put your hand on his forearm, just holding it for a moment, "No, no. I wanna hear what you were going to say. She'd what?"

You liked when Kylo talked. It wasn't enough.

Kylo looked down at your hand on his arm, so you took it off, realizing what you were doing. You decided to turn off the mixer now. That shit was well mixed at this point.

"So, she'd what?" you asked again, leaning on the counter with him.

"She'd say, 'good morning, my moon' or she'd call me that name and follow it with 'my moon'. I was never just 'moon'. I was _her_ moon," Kylo explained, his eyes squinting a little, as if he were remembering little memories as he spoke.

"That name? You mean Ben?" you tried to be casual, turning around and taking the mixing bowl out from under the machine, "She'd say, 'Ben, my moon'?"

Kylo nodded, glancing at you as you said his birth name, "Yes," he gave you a teensy, tired smile, "That's what she'd say,"

"That's cute. I like that,"

"Me too,"

Kylo held the two circle pans in place so you could pour the cake batter into them. As you did, you felt uneasy. This whole situation was giving you more anxiety as your seemingly nice day went on.

"Kylo?"

You poured the mix into the other pan.

"Hm?"

You were staring at the cake batter, not looking at him, "Nicky's little party is at three. Are—Are you leaving afterward? To go home?"

"Do you have a timer?" he asked, opening the oven and taking the full pans, putting them inside.

"Um yeah," you used the microwave as a timer, pressing the buttons, "Shit, I need to wrap Nicky's gift while I wait for this to bake,"

You forgot about the conversation of him leaving as you ran to your room, getting Nicky's phone and the stuff your mom had gotten for you. You wrapped it all up in some tissue paper, putting the phone inside of the bag, and came back to the kitchen where Kylo still was.

You grabbed a piece of paper and a pen, then set it on the small table, writing:

_To the coolest sixteen-year-old_

_Love, sissy_

You waved Kylo over, "Will you sign your name? The phone is technically from you,"

"Oh, it's yours," Kylo shook his head, putting his hands up a little.

"Please?"

You forgot how he usually always did what you wanted, so soft for you.

"Okay," Kylo agreed, leaning over the table and taking the pen from you.

_To the coolest sixteen-year-old_

_Love, sissy **\+ Kylo**_

You wanted it to be like that forever. You pictured all of your cards for birthdays, Christmases, and random holidays to be signed with your name, along with Kylo's. You wanted to have a little 'plus' linking your names for a long time.

When the cakes were done, it was time to decorate and you swore you were living in some kind of typical romance book where your lost love gets stuck at your house and you do cute shit all day, all while trying not to get too lovey, because you didn't know how the other really felt.

Living it was kind of painful, though.

Two layers together and icing on top, you made Kylo write the birthday message. His handwriting was too good to be wasted. As he wrote "Happy Birthday, Nicky!" you made a little border around the cake, as if you were on _Cake Boss_ or something.

When you were both done, you stepped back and felt proud of the cake you and Kylo had created, "I think Nicky will like it,"

"I think so, too,"

You put a cover on the cake and told Kylo you needed to take a quick shower, so as you did, he waited in your room. You hoped he wasn't thinking about going back to the city or about how strange this all was. You wanted him to feel at home here.

After your shower, you toweled off, but realized your clothes were in your room. You forgot to take them in with you. Muttering a small 'fuck', you tiptoed down the hall and poked your head in your door, towel wrapped tightly around you.

"Um, I forgot my clothes," you told Kylo, who was looking at some of your old books on a shelf. You shut the door behind you and walked to your bag near your closet, "I just need to change. I'm sorry,"

"Do you want me to leave?"

A ridiculous question, in your opinion. You didn't want him to leave, in fact, you wanted him to stay, to kiss your body, to whisper into your skin about how much he loved you. But it'd be strange if you replied with that, so you kept it simple.

"No, don't leave," you shook your head, "I want you to stay,"

Kylo nodded, then turned to look at your books again, giving you privacy.

As much as you wanted to touch him again and have _him_ touch _you_ , you also wanted to be _with_ him. You wanted to know that he wanted you. That he was going to keep you. You wanted to talk, not just have sex because it was sex.

You wanted him both ways, but the talking needed to come first.

After changing quickly, you checked the time and realized there were only thirty minutes left until Nicky's party. You had to set things out, finish decorating, and do other last-minute things, so you made Kylo do it with you.

You had no chance to talk like you wanted.

As three o'clock approached, teenagers were now filing into the small house. Kylo looked like he wanted to leave and you felt his hand rub up and down your back out of his own anxiety. You kind of wanted to leave, too.

Teens were scary.

You, your mom, and Kylo hung out in the background as Nicky's friends crowded around him, talking and laughing. As it went on, you decided you were done watching them talk and play games, so you turned to Kylo.

"I'm really glad you're here. I know I told you that last night, but I am,"

One of his hands found yours, and you both began to mindlessly play with each other's fingers as you talked.

Kylo gave you an uncomfortable smile, "I don't really feel like I'm supposed to be here, but thank you,"

"Of course you're supposed to be here. I mean, you'd always be welcome, you know," you told Kylo, feeling sad for him. This was where he belonged and you wanted him to feel it, too.

"I know,"

Nicky was now showing his friends his new chair and some things it could do.

That reminded you.

"Kylo?" you were still playing with his fingers as you went on, "My mom told me something yesterday and—and I wanted to ask you about it,"

"What about?" he asked, tracing a line up the back of your arm with his finger.

You loved how much he was touching you.

Trying not to melt, you told him, "My mom said that Nicky's hospital bills disappeared,"

His eyebrows raised a little, and his finger still traced a line up your arm. Kylo wasn't looking at you as he mumbled, "That seems lucky,"

"Mhm," you bit on your lip, knowing he was responsible, "Kylo, I think it was you...and I think I know why you didn't tell me, but I think that's another discussion. Don't you think?"

He nodded.

"Okay, so for now, I want to ask you straight up. Did you make the bills go away?" you pressed.

Kylo looked over at the little party in the living room, ignoring you.

You grabbed his face like he always grabbed yours and made him look at you, saying, "You can't ignore me anymore, Kylo. I'm not going to be ignored,"

Your grip on him softened, and your hand moved to his cheek, just holding it now, "It hurts my feelings when you do that to me, okay? I've told you that before. No more ignoring me, please,"

"Okay, I'm sorry,"

You dropped your hand, "So was it you?"

You knew, you just wanted him to tell you.

Kylo looked down, hesitantly saying, "I just wanted to help,"

So it _was_ Kylo...because he _wanted to help_. Because he made his mind up about you early on.

"You knew if that was taken care, then I wouldn't have a reason to be at your apartment, though," you said, going on, "Did you think I wouldn't want to stay? Kylo, I wanted you from nearly the be—"

"Cake!!" your mom announced, clapping her hands, breaking the moment.

Fuck.

You stood up straight and moved over with Kylo, turning off the lights, and letting the teens take over the kitchen. You needed to continue your conversation with him, but first, your mom was lighting the candles and you had to sing 'happy birthday' soon.

Kylo stood behind you, probably not wanting to intrude on this personal part of the party. You took it upon yourself to reach back and take his hands, then put them around your waist as you backed up a little into him.

Right before everyone started to sing and as your mom was lighting the last candle, you looked up at Kylo, turning your head a bit, "Is this okay?"

He softly nodded and leaned down, whispering in your ear as you turned your head to the kitchen again.

"Yes, my love,"

You didn't have time to think about that as the candles lit Nicky's face completely and his friends sang 'happy birthday'.

You felt relaxed again. Nicky looked happy. Your mom looked happy. Kylo was here, arms around you, chin on your head, humming softly to the song, calling you 'my love'.

It was perfect.

But you weren't done talking yet, and it made your stomach turn again. What if he was only saying that just to shut you out and leave again? It wouldn't be the first time.

Lights back on, cake was being passed around now, and you went to get a piece. Kylo only wanted a little, and so did you, so you figured you'd just share one. Leaning over Nicky, you cut the cake and grabbed two forks.

"Just get two small pieces," Nicky mumbled, teasing you, "Unless, are you and your boyfriend going to feed each other?"

"Asshat," you smiled and rolled your eyes.

You and Kylo could _technically_ just get two small pieces...but whatever.

Back with Kylo, you gave him a fork and stood, leaning your sides into a wall, facing each other. Then, you accidentally dropped your utensil on the ground.

"Fuck," you muttered, giving Kylo the plate. You were going to get a new fork.

As you turned around, Kylo kicked your ankle, "We've shared forks before,"

He was right. You _have_ shared forks. You've shared spit, too, among other things.

"Okay," you stepped back over to Kylo, leaning on the wall again, "We'll share, then,"

Kylo let you have the first bite of the cake, and as you handed the fork back and forth, you and Kylo were standing close. Whenever you took a bite, his eyes were always on you, and his free hand touched you somewhere. Sometimes it was your waist. Sometimes it was your arm.

He was just always touching you.

And it was starting to hurt now.

"Kylo—" you gave him the fork and swallowed the rest of your bite, "I don't want to play pretend like this anymore," you said softly.

You started to get sad. You wanted this to be real, but it didn't feel like it. You needed to talk with him and every touch until your talk felt like maybe you were just getting your hopes up.

"I'm sorry," Kylo knit his brow and put the fork on the plate, "I don't want to make you uncomfortable,"

You took the plate from him and set it on a nearby table, then returned to Kylo, holding his hand, "You make me _so_ comfortable, Kylo. I just—" your heart started to feel heavy again, like maybe you'd cry, "I just want this and I don't know where we stand, Kylo. And if you're leaving in a few hours, then I can't do this...and I know I pushed you to stay and I've been pretending, too, but it hu—"

"Yo! I'm about to open your present!" Nicky called out to you across the room.

The timing today was fucking terrible.

You put on a smile and walked to the kitchen, pretending you weren't just about to cry, "Oh! Go ahead. Sorry,"

Kylo was still standing in the other room, so you waved him over. As Nicky dug around in the bag, Kylo stood next to you, not touching you at all this time. Maybe he _was_ playing pretend.

God, this sucked.

" _No_ ," Nicky said quietly, taking out the box and opening it, "Stop,"

His friends leaned over the small table to see the newest iPhone, 'ooh'ing and 'ah'ing at it. Nicky pulled out the card and opened it, a one-hundred-dollar bill falling in his lap.

"Really?!" Nicky looked at you with wide eyes, getting more excited about his gifts, "Are you fucking serious?!"

" _Nicolas_ ," your mom warned him.

"Oh uh—" you looked up at Kylo, knowing he must have thrown the bill in there when you weren't looking, "Yep, haha,"

You went over to Nicky, giving him a hug and whispering in his ear to read the card and thank Kylo, too. When you stood next to Kylo again, Nicky smiled, saying thank you to him, and started to open the rest of his gifts.

You and Kylo made your way back to where you were standing earlier again, and you said in a hushed voice, "He doesn't need money, Kylo. You didn't have to do that,"

Kylo stood behind you, leaning his side into the wall. He still wasn't touching you, but remained close behind you, replying, "Sure he does. He's a kid. Kids like money,"

Nicky _did_ like money.

"You're so kind," you whispered. It was the only thing you were thinking at the moment. Kylo _was_ kind. Stubborn, frustrating, confused, sure. But he was also kind.

Kylo didn't want to dwell on how 'kind' he was, you could tell. He quickly changed the subject, commenting, "Nicolas looks happy,"

"Just Nicky," you reminded him, "And yeah, he looks happy. I haven't really seen him like this in a while. I think it's because all of his friends are here,"

"Do they not come over often?"

You shook your head, "No. Nicky gets frustrated with himself and thinks no one would want to hang out with him, anyway. I remind him that he's still Nicky...his life just looks different now. He doesn't really get it,"

"Understandable," Kylo mumbled, watching Nicky open gifts, "I see why you visit so often. He loves you a lot,"

"I feel like I annoy him," you frowned, then laughed a little, "I feel like I annoy you, too,"

Kylo brushed his pointer finger on your pinky, touching you softly, "You don't annoy me,"

You turned around, giving him a tired smile, because that's what you were. Tired. You just wanted to know where you stood, what would happen next, what tomorrow would look like with Kylo. You were so tired of feeling the things you felt and wondering about everything. You just needed to know.

"When are we going to talk?" you asked, whispering. You were afraid if you spoke any louder, your voice would crack.

Kylo swallowed, then slouched a little, trying to get more on your level. His voice was quiet, too, and he brushed his hand on yours again, "What are we talking about?"

The way he said that made it more like a statement than a question. Kylo knew what needed to be discussed. He just wanted you to say it.

"I think we have to talk about us, don't you?"

His pretty, hazel eyes that you loved so much were looking at you directly. When things got serious, Kylo always looked away. He couldn't face things, you noticed.

But right now, in this serious moment, he was making eye contact.

"I think we do,"

Suddenly, a basketball hit the back of your head.

"Nicky, I swear to God," you held the back of your head and turned to him, angry.

Nicky wheeled himself over to you, "Don't be such a hot head! I was just showing you my new basketball,"

You knew he was trying to make his friends laugh, and you loved that he was being so silly, but also your head hurt a little and he was being annoying. You picked it up and gave it back to him, giving him a look.

After a while, his friends started to slowly leave and you cleaned up with your mom, Kylo helping a little, too.

Even though it had stormed last night, the weather today was nice. When all of Nicky's friends were gone, it seemed like he started to feel upset again. Nicky looked out of the window, watching the sunset, holding his basketball with his good arm.

Kylo saw you watch him and must have seen you frown.

The next thing you knew, Kylo was opening the front door for Nicky, and they went outside. You didn't know what they were doing or why Kylo decided to go out with him, but you didn't really have a chance to think about that as your mom started to talk to you.

"He's nice, bug," she noted, putting things up in the fridge.

You were cleaning off the table and mumbled, "He is,"

"I like the way he looks at you,"

You looked up at her, weirded out, "Ew, mom,"

She kept putting things away, still talking casually, "I mean it, bug. It's nice,"

You wished you could tell her everything, but that'd be weird, so you just kept cleaning, staying quiet for a moment.

"I don't know how he feels about me—I mean, I do. B-But I don't know what he wants to do about it," you said softly, really just thinking out loud.

Your mom gave you a little smile, then shooed you away, "Why don't you go outside and see what they're up to? I'll finish here,"

You thought it was a little weird, your mom telling you to go outside and ending the conversation, but you were happy to stop cleaning. Grabbing a light jacket, you went outside and walked to the side of the house, where you heard Kylo and Nicky.

It was nearly dark now, and you saw the floodlights on around the corner, along with Kylo's tall shadow.

Rounding the corner, you froze.

Kylo was bouncing the basketball on the concrete every few seconds, talking to Nicky. He had his back to you, so Kylo couldn't see you, but Nicky saw you. He didn't say anything.

You leaned on the house, watching and listening.

"Try again," Kylo nodded to Nicky, a few feet away from him, "Can I throw it to you?"

Nicky held up his one good hand, ready to catch, "Yeah,"

Kylo tossed him the ball, "Okay, now just try again,"

Nicky threw the ball up and at the hoop that was next to the house. The basketball bounced on the rim a few times, but ended up going through the hoop.

"See? It's not so bad. You can still play with a broken arm," Kylo grabbed the ball and started to bounce it again, "When it's healed, doing it from the chair with two arms might be easier,"

"Maybe,"

Kylo gave him the ball again, and Nicky started to dribble it next to himself as Kylo spoke, "They've got community leagues for basketball and people in wheelchairs, you know,"

Nicky tossed the ball back to Kylo, "I didn't know that,"

"I can ask around for you when your arm heals," Kylo said, "If that's what you want—sorry, I'm assuming you like basketball?"

"I used to play," Nicky replied, a hint of sadness in his tone.

Kylo walked over to him, giving him the basketball and nudging his shoulder, "You can still play. You should ask your friends to come over and practice with you. They all seemed...nice,"

You knew damn well Kylo was not paying attention to Nicky's friends earlier, but his little lie didn't matter. He was just wanting to put the idea of friends coming over more often in his head.

"I don't know if they'd want to play with me," Nicky smiled nervously, then frowned, "I literally can only use one arm right now. Nothing else really works,"

Kylo ignored the last part of what Nicky said, probably not wanting to talk about things that can't change. He replied, "I like doing this. I'm sure they'd want to,"

Nicky peeked over at you, then back at Kylo, "Are you going to come over every time my sister does? To practice with me?"

Fucking Nicky.

"How often does she come here?"

"Too much,"

Kylo chuckled a little, "Tired of her, then?"

"Yeah, can you take her off our hands?" Nicky replied. You knew he was joking, but you were done being talked about.

"I'd li—"

You made a noise with your foot and pretended like you just walked up, greeting them, "Hi,"

Kylo turned around quickly, surprised at your 'arrival'.

"Hi,"

You took the basketball from Kylo and started to bounce it, "Nicky, what's the plan for the rest of the night? What do you want to do, birthday boy?"

"Mom and I are going to a movie, you know that," Nicky told you, brows furrowed, "I'm guessing you aren't going?"

You forgot about your household tradition of going to the movies and getting whatever food and dessert you wanted to afterward on birthdays.

"No, I think I'm going to hang back with Kylo...before he leaves," you rubbed the back of your neck, "Is that okay?"

"I don't care," Nicky shrugged.

"Um, okay?" you gave him an annoyed look from his attitude.

Siblings were so weird.

"Nickyyyy!!" you heard your mom squeal, leaving the front door around the corner. She finally appeared and was walking to her car in the driveway, "Let's go, mister!"

She finally looked at you while opening up the back of her little van, "You guys can hold down the house while we're gone?"

You were expecting her to ask if you were coming.

But she just assumed you'd stay.

You were pretty sure the universe wanted you and Kylo to have a conversation.

"Uh, yeah. I got it," you gave her a thumbs up.

Soon enough, Nicky was in the car and your mom was backing out of the driveway, leaving you and Kylo alone, finally.

You still had the basketball in your hands and started to bounce it again, "Um, how was hanging out with Nicky?"

You didn't really know where to start, so you hoped the casual talk would eventually lead to a bigger conversation.

Kylo took the ball from you, bouncing it, "Good. Nice kid,"

"Yeah," you held your hands up, so Kylo tossed you the basketball, "He's got sass, though,"

"Like you?"

You were now both passing the ball back and forth after bouncing it a few times each.

"Mhm," you smiled, "Like me,"

Kylo gave you the ball, "Hot head,"

Hearing that nickname made you stop smiling. It's not because you didn't like it. It's because it hurt a little, hearing him say it again. You loved it and you wanted it to stay, but you just didn't know if it would.

You didn't know if _Kylo_ would.

He saw you stop bouncing the ball, looking down, and decided to talk over toward you. Kylo took the ball out of your hands and went to put it in the grass by the house.

When Kylo came back, he stood in front of you, taking your chin between his fingers, and lifting it, making you look at him.

"There are things I want to say to you, and I think we should do that now," he said matter-of-factly, eyes on yours, "Is that what you want?"

For as much as you wanted to talk to him so badly, you were now incredibly nervous, finally here. Even though your throat was now dry and your heart was beating like crazy, telling you to run, telling you everything that could go wrong, you didn't listen to them.

You nodded, "Yes, that's what I want,"


	28. forever, maybe.

Maybe it was because you were so nervous and your brain was mush, but you didn't remember walking back into the house with Kylo.

But here you were, now sitting on your bed, Kylo in front of you, and Harry fucking Styles staring at you right above his head.

You heard the ceiling fan spinning above you, a small whirr of the air conditioning, and the occasional wind blowing outside and against the house. It was quiet as the two of you sat there, waiting for the other to start.

For as much as you wanted to talk, you didn't realize how hard this would actually be, facing him, telling him 'I love you and if you don't want me then I don't think I can bear seeing you anymore'.

You decided to start with something...simpler than that.

You spoke in the silence.

"I think I'd just like to know where we stand, Kylo. I don't know how you feel but I know how _I_ feel, a-and I know what I want," you stated, "I wa—"

"I want to go first," Kylo interrupted you, a little out of breath.

He was nervous.

Maybe he _knew_ what you wanted. Maybe he didn't want the same. Maybe he was going to tell you that he didn't want this before you had a chance to even start.

You nodded even though you didn't want to, "Okay, you can go first,"

"I don't want you to look at me,"

Your lips parted, not really knowing what he meant.

"Um, what?"

Kylo swallowed and shook his head, "I don't want you to look at me while I say the things I need to. Will you turn around?"

Fuck.

Was he about to end this? Did he not want to face you?

"O-Okay," you knit your brow. You were a little hurt, knowing what was coming, but slowly turned around on the bed, facing your headboard, a pit in your stomach.

"Will you give me a second?" Kylo asked, scooting closer, the bed dipping behind you.

You nodded, staring between the bed and the pink wall.

There were a few times when you knew it was the end of you and Kylo. Fuck, you'd 'ended' before when you walked out of his apartment, but now felt worse. Like, outside of all of the money, the gala, the business shit, he still didn't want you.

This would hurt way more.

Kylo was nervously tapping his finger on his leg, and you sat in silence for a minute or two. In the quiet, your stomach flipped a billion times and your hands kept squeezing together. If someone were to look at this, unaware of the situation, they'd probably think you two were crazy, both fidgeting and not facing the other.

_Tap_

_Tap_

_Tap_

The tapping suddenly stopped.

"Can I touch you?" Kylo's voice was low, hushed, a little scared. You'd only heard him like this on Sunday night, last night, and now. He was never nervous.

It only made _you_ more nervous.

"Yes, you can touch me,"

You didn't really know how or why he wanted to touch you, but you wanted to do whatever he wanted to do if it meant he'd talk to you about his feelings or his thoughts, even if those feelings and thoughts weren't ones you were ready to hear. Even if Kylo didn't want this, you still wanted him to be comfortable.

You felt his big hand touch your waist, then travel to your thigh as you sat criss cross on the bed. Kylo exhaled deeply as he felt you, his fingers shaking a little.

"Can I touch you back?" you asked, hoping it was okay.

"Yes,"

You picked up Kylo's hand, just for a second, and brought it to your lips. You kissed his knuckles softly, then his palm, and put his hand back down on your leg, asking, "Do you feel safe? I want you to feel safe when you talk to me, not scared, Kylo. I want you to feel safe with me like I feel with you,"

His grip on your thigh tightened and you felt a bit of pressure on the nape of your neck. Kylo was resting his head there, forehead on the back of your neck. He was starting to breathe quickly, nervously, panicked, maybe.

"I'm always scared," Kylo whispered, "I'm so scared of things I feel,"

You decided to put your hand on his, just letting him feel that you were there again, "You don't have to be,"

Kylo's grip softened, and after a moment, his breathing started to get slow, heavy, and controlled. It was almost like he was counting as he breathed in and out, his pointer finger barely twitching under your hand every second.

He was trying to soothe himself with breathing, like you helped him do the other night.

"You're so safe, Kylo," you whispered, staring down at his hand, softly brushing your fingers on his, "So safe to say whatever you need,"

_Even if what you need to say will break me in half._

You felt the pressure lift from your neck.

He must have been sitting up again.

It took Kylo a moment to speak, but he finally said, "I'm getting overwhelmed,"

"I'm sorry," you took your hand off of his, not wanting to overwhelm him, "Does that h—"

Kylo reached for your hand, holding it tight, nearly crushing it. His forehead was back on your neck and he begged, " _Stay_. Please stay,"

"Okay," you led his hand back down to your leg, letting it rest, and you held his hand again.

"Can I kiss you? Please?"

You softly nodded, "Okay,"

On your lips? On your cheek? You had no clue what he needed.

The pressure on your neck from his forehead was gone, only to be met with delicate, small kisses, in its place. Kylo just wanted to kiss you.

To feel you.

To be close.

"I don't know if I can put everything into words," Kylo started, "How I feel, I mean,"

"That's okay,"

Kylo's forehead was back on the nape of your neck and his fingers spread a little under yours. You took that as an invitation to lace yours with his, so you did.

"Will you hold my other one?" he asked, snaking his other hand to your opposite thigh.

"Yes, Kylo," you put your other hand on his and held it the same way.

He kissed the back of your neck softly again, "Thank you,"

Kylo kept it quiet for a while. Maybe he was just trying to find words...courage, possibly. As you held his hands, you'd stroke your thumbs on his, a constant reminder that you were still with him.

He finally spoke, his forehead back on your neck, resting.

"I just feel so much for you,"

You gave his hands a small squeeze, "I feel so much for you, too,"

Kylo loved you. He told you that much. You'd said the same. Now, it was just trying to figure out if he really wanted to make something out of what the two of you had.

"But I let you leave," Kylo said, picking his head back up, "I said I needed to figure things out,"

His words were coming out slow, and after each sentence, he'd take a few seconds to pause. Kylo seemed to do this every time he had something hard to talk about, as if he had to search for the right words, the right feelings, the right thing to say. You figured he never did this with anyone else, so when he talked serious like this, it was hard.

"I just couldn't promise you anything...so I let you leave, and I thought I needed to talk to someone,"

"Your uncle?"

As you listened, you kept your eyes on your hands. Yours looked so small compared to Kylo's, but it always seemed to fit. You just _fit_.

"Yes. I wanted to ask him—" Kylo stopped, his voice breaking a little, "—maybe I just really wanted to ask my mom...he reminds me of her," he cleared his throat, "But I wanted to ask him if he thought I could love,"

You heard his voice shake again as he spoke, "Love like how my parents did...how they loved me. How they loved each other for a while,"

You squeezed his hand again and your question came out more like a statement, "And that's what you knew the answer to?"

"Yes," Kylo softly kissed the back of your neck, inhaling your skin at the same time, "I know I can, because I think I've been doing it for a while,"

You couldn't help it. You felt yourself start to tear up, thinking about how much you loved this man, how much you thought he maybe loved you. You so desperately wanted to turn around and hug Kylo, but instead, you just kept holding his hand, hoping you were doing enough for him.

"I think I knew how much I felt for you the night that you drew on my wrist,"

You had a little smile on your face as you asked, "When you took a bath with me and we ate pizza? That night?"

"Yes. That night," Kylo kissed your shoulder, just barely, "And I felt it even more when you were upset with me in Austin...when I made you drink. When you told me I hurt you, it broke my heart. I didn't want to do that again. I wanted to be better for you, love,"

He continued, "But I didn't want you to stay. I thought if you stayed and if I kept feeling like how I did, it'd make me weak. I thought you were breaking me,"

"You're only weak when you're not yourself," you brought both of his hands up again, lifting them to your mouth, and kissed his knuckles lightly, "You weren't breaking...just building,"

"I'm sorry that I didn't know that when you were there—when I let you leave," Kylo moved his hands from your thighs to your stomach, hugging you from behind. He was holding you tight, your hands now on his again, and Kylo nuzzled his nose behind your ear, whispering, "I'm so sorry I let you leave,"

You swallowed, "Kylo, I want to know what you're thinking right now. I want to know what you're trying to say,"

"I'm not very good at this...at love," Kylo told you, "B-But I know I _can_. I'd like to keep doing it with you, if you'll let me. If you'll forgive me," he started to whisper, repeating, "I'm so sorry I let you leave, love. I'm so sorry I let you leave and I'm sorry I ignore you when it gets hard for me. But I'm trying and I want to keep trying, if you'll let me,"

You turned around, a big lump in your throat, and faced Kylo. His eyes were a little wet, his lips were pouty, and he was looking right at you.

"You want me?" you asked, your lip wiggling a little.

"I've always wanted you. I didn't want to—" Kylo shook his head, "—but I've always wanted you. I knew that I wanted you the first week you were with me. It was just hard,"

You were trying to blink your tears away but they just ended up rolling down your cheeks as you held Kylo's face, softly brushing your thumb over his cheekbone.

Kylo wanted you.

He'd always wanted you.

"Do you want _me_?" he asked, a hint of sadness in his tone, as if he were expecting you to maybe say no...like maybe he thought no one had ever really wanted him, "I know I make you angry sometimes but I want to try and be better,"

You hated that he thought that maybe, just maybe, you wouldn't want him.

"I want you so badly," you whispered. Your voice couldn't speak any louder, you figured.

Kylo knit his brow, almost surprised, "You do?"

"I do,"

His face relaxed, but Kylo squeezed your face a little and his breathing was getting shallow again. Kylo was excited that you wanted him. He wasn't smiling, but you knew from his eyes that he was relieved...happy.

In an instant, you practically shoved yourself on him, wrapping your arms around his neck and leaning your whole chest into his. You felt one of his arms around your back, and the other was moving your legs up to straddle him.

You were both holding each other tight, hugging, every part of your body touching his.

"I want to give you everything," Kylo whispered, burying himself in the crook of your neck as he held you tighter, his hands going up your shirt to feel your skin.

You kissed the tip of his ear, "I really only want you, Kylo,"

He picked his head up, putting it on your forehead. Kylo's eyes were closed—squeezed shut—and he replied softly, "I think I can give you that,"

A few moments passed of Kylo running his hands along your spine, while you grazed your thumbs on his neck, under each of his ears.

"Will you turn off the light, love?" Kylo requested, "I just want us to feel each other. I missed you so much, I just want to feel you,"

"O-Okay," you turned around and reached over to the lamp next to your bed, turning it off. As soon as the room was dark, Kylo tugged on your shirt, pulling you back to him.

One of Kylo's hands was at your waist, the other on your cheek, holding you close. His face was on yours, noses touching, lips touching, but you weren't kissing yet. He just kept you there, touching your skin under your shirt again, brushing his lips over yours.

Your hands roamed wherever they could. You had them on his neck, chest, arms, face...just gliding around his body as you kneeled on the bed with him, waiting to kiss.

"You're so many things to me," he whispered, pulling his face away a little. Both of his hands moved up to your face, one holding your jaw, the other just lightly touching your brow bone with his pointer finger.

You realized what he was doing when he started to slowly drag it down your face.

Kylo was touching your face, just like you had done to each other during your first week with him, when you guessed his age in the kitchen.

"You're my hot head," he whispered, moving his finger to your nose, drawing a line down it, "You're my little angel,"

His finger moved to your chin, skipping your mouth. Kylo continued, still whispering, "You're my sweet girl...my little love,"

He put his thumb at your mouth now, grazing over your bottom lip, "My baby,"

You kissed his thumb and whispered back, "Your baby,"

Kylo softly took your wrist and brought it up to his face, wanting you to do the same to him, so you did. With one hand gently holding his jaw, you took your finger and went from his jawline to his temple, lightly touching him, feeling him, memorizing him.

"You're so important to me," you said quietly, moving your finger to his brow bone, "I missed you so much these past few days,"

Your finger moved down his nose that you loved so much, feeling every part of him in the darkness. You continued, "You know, virginity is stupid,"

Kylo huffed a small laugh.

You felt the smile line next to his mouth now, "It's just a social construct and it's dumb...but it meant a lot to me. I wanted it to be with someone special and you were so special, Kylo. So special," you started to feel his bottom lip with your thumb now, "But I'm so glad that I did it with someone I get to love...someone I get to spend a while with,"

"A while?" Kylo kissed your thumb, just like you kissed his, "I want you for longer than a while,"

"How long, then?" you smiled.

"It's hard for me to say things," Kylo took your hand, the one with your gold and blue ring on it, "So, can I show you instead?"

"Okay,"

Kylo was quiet as he twisted the ring off of your middle finger. You were going to ask what he was doing until you felt him put it somewhere else.

Your ring finger.

You felt a tug at your heart, not from pain, just from happiness.

Kylo probably didn't want to marry you this second, and that was perfectly fine, after all, it hadn't really been that long. This was just his way of showing you how long he wanted you.

Forever, maybe.

Kylo kissed the ring before putting your hands down. He took the bottom of your shirt in his big hands, pulling it up. You let Kylo take it off, then did the same to him, both of your shirts on the floor now. You were each breathing shallower, scooting close together, your chests back on one another.

You moved your hands over his arms, feeling every inch of muscle, then moved to his collarbones, then his neck, as he touched you, too. It was light, gentle, and quiet. You were just feeling each other, wanting to be close.

Kylo leaned his head forward, softly kissing the corner of your mouth, traveling his kisses down your jaw, to your neck, then to your chest, where he softly kissed your flesh that wasn't covered by your bra. He wasn't sucking or kissing hard, he was just lightly kissing you and inhaling your skin while moving his hands up and down your waist.

You felt his hands at your back now, reaching the clasps of your bra, "Can I take this off of you?" Kylo whispered into your chest, still kissing you softly.

"Yes,"

You felt his cold fingers undoing the bra you had on. Kylo slipped it off of your shoulders and tossed it off of the bed, the sound of it softly hitting the floor was the only noise in the room besides breathing and shifting around.

Kylo hunched over, wrapped his arms around your waist, and kissed your bare chest, "I missed you so much," he breathed, then released you, kissing back up to your jaw, "So much,"

With your bodies on each other again, warm skin pressing against yours, Kylo's mouth finally found yours and kissed you there for the first time in five days. It felt like heaven. You screwed your eyes shut, holding on to the kiss for as long as you could.

Kylo's tongue moved into the kiss, so yours did, too. You pressed your body harder on his as you kissed, your hands in his hair now, pulling a little as you got excited. Kylo kept kissing you and held the small of your back and moved you to lay on the bed while he crawled over you.

His hand went to your leggings and Kylo hooked his fingers in the waistband, "Can I take these off, too?"

You barely whispered, "Y-Yes,"

You wanted him so badly.

Kylo pulled down your leggings slightly, then hooked his fingers in your panties, too, "And these, baby?"

"Please," you nodded, lifting your hips up from the bed to help him.

"My sweet girl," he whispered, taking both garments off of you. He rolled them down your legs and pushed them to the floor with the rest of your clothes. Kylo crawled back over you, kissing your cheek and working his way down, trailing kisses to your chest. He was sucking more, but still not kissing too hard.

Kylo wanted to keep it delicate.

Gentle.

Loving.

As he kissed and sucked softly at your nipples, slowly moving from one to the other, you arched your back up in response. You were beginning to ache between your legs and felt wetness build, nearly dripping to your thighs.

It was hard to go slow when Kylo made you feel like this, especially after not being with him like this in a while.

He placed a hand on your sternum, pushing you back onto the bed, "Wait, my love," Kylo kissed down to your stomach, "Let me kiss you more, please. I haven't kissed you in so long,"

You felt Kylo sit up, kneeling between your legs. Suddenly, his hand was on your ankle and he lifted it to his shoulder. Kylo started to softly kiss your calf, moving up to your knee, then your inner thigh. He did this with your other leg, too, kissing all the way up until he reached your cunt, never touching there, though.

Kylo crawled over you again, his lips finally back on yours, "I could kiss you forever, love,"

"I'd like that," you breathed, arching your back again to feel more of him on you, "But right now, I want you to fuck me,"

Kylo lifted himself up again, kneeling on the bed, "Help me with my pants, little angel,"

Quickly, you sat up and kissed Kylo's lower stomach, the hair of his happy trail tickling your nose as you unbuckled his belt, then unzipped him. As you were pulling at his waistband, tugging his pants down, Kylo hands were in your hair, brushing it.

When his dick was free, Kylo nudged you back down to lie on the bed as he hovered over you, kicking his pants and boxers fully off.

"Longest five days of my life, little love," Kylo kissed your cheek and snaked his hand down to your cunt. He exhaled, feeling how wet you were, "My good girl, all ready for me,"

You thought maybe Kylo was going to use his fingers, pleasuring you that way first, as he increased pressure on your cunt, but you didn't want him to.

"Please don't—don't go inside. I want to wait for you. Please, Kylo," you begged, "I want to feel _you_ ,"

You felt his fingers go back up through your folds, softly and slowly moving over your clit, "Do you want me to fuck you now?" Kylo whispered, "Nice and slow? You want to feel me?"

You nodded, but you knew he couldn't see you in the darkness, so you stuttered, "Y-Yes,"

"Okay," he moved his hand away from your pussy and hovered his face over yours a moment.

You reached up felt his cheek, so happy to be here again. You loved having Kylo on top of you, next to you, with you, close to you. After going twenty-four hours with him every day for a month, five days really _did_ feel like the longest days ever, like Kylo said.

But now you were here.

Back with Kylo.

Knowing that he wanted you for 'longer than a while'.

  
 _Forever_ , maybe.

"I love you so much," Kylo whispered, saying it for the first time since last Sunday, "I wish you knew how much, but I don't think I have the words for it, little angel. I just love you,"

"Kylo," you lifted your head a little and nudged your nose on his, "I love you, too,"

"Are you ready, little love?" Kylo asked, nudging your nose back, "I can't wait to feel my sweet girl again,"

"I'm ready,"

You felt Kylo shift slightly, then felt the tip of his cock at your entrance. A last kiss to your forehead was placed by Kylo before he slowly pushed himself inside of you. His forehead dropped to yours and a low, long exhale left his lips as your lips parted and you sighed, both of you feeling each other again.

With every slow thrust of Kylo's, you began to get more adjusted to him stretching you again. He was thrusting slow and deep, the feeling sending little waves of adrenaline through your arms.

While he fucked you, you tried to keep your lips on Kylo anywhere you could. If his head was at your neck, you kissed his shoulder. If he was hovering over you, you kissed his lips, his nose, his cheeks.

You just needed to kiss him whenever and wherever you could. You'd gone without him for so long.

"My love," Kylo kissed your cheek, "You're everything,"

As if something flipped, you started to softly cry. You weren't sad. You were just so goddamn happy to be close again.

Kylo kissed your cheek once more and must have felt your tears on his lips. He stopped moving. Kylo held your face and said with concern, "You're crying, baby. Why are you crying?"

"I'm just really happy," you sniffled, turning your head to kiss his palm, "I'm so happy. Please keep going, Kylo,"

"Oh, my baby," Kylo started again, a little more force in his thrusts. He had to put his head at your neck, trying to conceal his low groans of pleasure. He whispered into your neck again and again, "My baby, I missed you,"

The feeling of your orgasm was getting closer, and you wanted it so badly. You reached down to your clit, rubbing it, wanting to free it of its aching. You whispered, "I love you" between the little noises leaving your mouth. You couldn't help it. You wanted to say it every second of every day after not saying it for so long.

When you came, it felt better than you remembered. You whimpered and whined into Kylo's shoulder, gripping as hard as you could onto him, keeping him close. After that, it only made you continue to cry softly. You were just buzzing with so many feelings, physically and emotionally, that it was so much to carry inside.

When Kylo finished, he asked you to say his name. He meant 'Ben', but you he still couldn't really say the name, himself.

"I love you, Ben," you repeated over and over again softly as Kylo came inside of you, like you loved. Kylo cursed a lot as he came, whispering your name between 'fuck's.

When he was done filling you, Kylo stayed there, on top of you, relaxing as he caught his breath. You didn't care that most of his weight was on you. It felt good, actually, getting to hold him closer, feeling him rest on you because of how good you made him feel.

You scratched up and down his back softly as Kylo kissed all around your face, like he always did after sex.

You missed how sweet your Kylo was.

After a while of laying on you in silence, Kylo leaned over to the lamp, flicking it on.

"Hi," Kylo nudged his nose on yours, both of your eyes squinting a little from the light.

You gave him a big smile, "Hi. I missed your face,"

"It's nice to just feel though, isn't it?"

"Yes," you kissed his chin, then remembered something and frowned, "Are you leaving tonight? Or tomorrow?"

_Please say tomorrow._

"We're going home tomorrow," Kylo replied.

"Home?"

He nodded, "I'm taking you home, love, and I'm not going to let you leave again,"

"Home," you repeated softly.

Kylo's home was yours, too.

"To our bed," he added, kissing the corner of your mouth.

"Our bed sounds so nice," you sighed, missing the huge, comfy bed.

"It's been empty without you,"

"We don't even use the whole bed anyway," you giggled, "It's just me on your side, holding onto you,"

"Mhm,"

"You held onto _me_ last night, though," you smiled, tucking his hair behind one of his ears. Kylo's face and the tip of his ears were still a little red from sex.

"Did I?" he asked.

"Mhm," you answered, "I woke up kind of holding you,"

Kylo furrowed his brow, thinking, maybe trying to remember this morning. After a moment, he looked back at you with soft eyes and then looked away again, getting shy.

"Will you hold me again?"

This big, intimidating man wanted to be held.

"Right now? You want to be held now, Kylo?"

He bit his lip, "Yes...if that's okay with you,"

It was all you wanted to do, really.

"Can I use the bathroom first?"

"Yes, love,"

You both rolled off of the bed and you pulled on Kylo's shirt and your panties as he put on his boxers. After cleaning up in the restroom, you got back in your bed with Kylo and went under your pink covers, finding each other.

Kylo was a little awkward as he went to have you hold him. It was hard for him to do it himself, consciously. He just situated himself down the bed a bit, then stared at your body, not knowing where to go.

You helped him and patted your chest, "Head here, Kylo,"

He put his head down and the rest came naturally to him. Kylo put his arm around your waist and held you tight, then you felt his leg move over yours a little.

"I'm going to hold your head, okay?" you peeked down at him.

Kylo didn't look up at you. He just nuzzled further into your chest and said a small, "Okay,"

You held his head with one hand, moving your fingers in his hair, and touched his arm with your other one, holding him. Every now and then, you'd pick your head up from your pillow and lean down to kiss the top of Kylo's head.

Sometimes he'd meet you halfway and kiss you back, on your lips. Mostly though, he'd just let you kiss his head, then hold you tighter.

"Mom and Nicky will be home soon," you commented after a while.

Kylo had his hand up your shirt, softly drawing circles in your skin, and asked, "Do I need to make a bed on your floor?"

You giggled, "No, no...but I bet my mom will want to hang out with us before she goes to bed. Nicky might, too. Sorry," you apologized, knowing they could be a lot sometimes, especially for Kylo who literally just met them twelve hours earlier.

"That's okay. I don't mind. I like your family,"

You softly scratched his head, Kylo's black hair gliding through your fingers, "You're my family, too, you know,"

Kylo didn't say anything. He just reached up to your hand on his head and brought it down to his lips, kissing the ring on your finger. After he did that, Kylo wanted to trade you positions so he'd hold you now.

When you moved to lay on him, he played with your hair for the next few minutes.

"Kylo?" you looked up at him, resting your chin on his chest.

"Hm?"

"What happens now?" you asked, "There's no countdown, no money, no business deal...what happens now? It's just all we've known,"

Kylo looked down at you for just a moment, then looked back up at the ceiling, mumbling, "I'd like to build something, I think,"

"Uh," you laughed nervously, "What are you wanting to build? Like, a table?"

He suddenly sat up, resting his back on the headboard of the bed, and pulled you up with him. Kylo's face was serious—well, his face was _always_ serious, but it hadn't looked like this all day. For how serious he was, Kylo took your face in his hands softly, bringing you close to him.

"A life. I'd like to build a life, little angel,"

Your hands naturally grabbed onto his forearms, "You'd like to build a life with me?"

He shook your face a little, as if that'd make you believe him more, "Yes,"

"You mean like 'white picket fence, suburban, married with kids and a dog' life?" you giggled, really only joking, referencing the little life you made up with him in that house in Texas. You knew you'd both never give up the city for a long time.

Kylo didn't laugh, though.

"If that's what you want, yes," he replied, "I want to give you everything you want,"

You smiled softly at him. He was so kind, so serious, so genuine.

"Maybe later...not now, though. I just want you. We can build a life in your apar—"

"Our apartment," Kylo interrupted you, shaking your face again, " _Our_ apartment,"

You nodded, "Our apartment—oh but, I can't really just move out of my current place. Kelstra would kill me,"

Kylo let go of your face and pulled you over him so you were now sitting between his legs, your back on his chest. He always just _moved_ you wherever he wanted.

"I don't really like your friend," Kylo said. You could tell he had a little smile on his face.

You started to mindlessly play with his fingers, "Well, she's been my friend for a long time, so you have to deal with it if we're really doing this,"

"If we're really doing this, then you have to live with me, love,"

You turned your head a little to look up at him behind you, "What if it's too fast and we get tired of each other?"

"Wasn't it quite fast when you came here? Sleeping in our bed together after only one week?"

"...yeah," you turned back around, playing with Kylo's fingers again.

Kylo kissed your head, then spoke into your hair softly, "Nothing is traditional with us, little angel,"

"I guess you're right," you shrugged.

"So then when we get back, you'll get your things and stay at our place," Kylo told you.

It was not a suggestion.

"Okay,"

Kylo thought for a moment, then said, "Never mind,"

"Never mind?!" you peeked up at him, "What do you mean 'never mind??"

He had a sneaky smirk on his face, "I don't think you should move in,"

"What?"

Kylo held you tighter, making you look forward again. He rested his chin on the top of your head and said softly, "We should start somewhere new...there's too much space where we are now, isn't there?"

Not only did he want you, Kylo wanted to build a life with you and start fresh.

That's exactly what you wanted.

"Where are we going to put your parent's things? And where would we go? That sounds nice, but I don't want to leave the city, Kylo,"

"We can have an extra room for their things," he said casually, as if he'd already thought all of this through.

"But I'll miss your apartment so much...and the view," you sighed, "Ugh, the view is so n—"

" _Our—_ " he corrected you again, " _Our_ apartment, love _._ I'll get us a nicer view to dance in front of,"

"Okay,"

Kylo squeezed your hand a little, "Would you like that?"

"A nice view? Sure. I like nice vi—"

"A place for us together? To start new?" he elaborated, helping you understand.

You kissed his hand, "I would like that very much,"

"So would I, little angel,"

You suddenly had a random thought, "What about all that money that Hux gets to keep? He got like $300,000. That's so much wasted,"

"That's not that much,"

You turned around and had your jaw dropped a bit, "That's a fuck ton of money, Kylo,"

"Not to us, love," he told you, taking your shoulders and forcing them down, wanting you to relax, "Not to us,"

"Okay," you turned back around and rested into his chest again, "When the $700,000 comes my way, you're getting it back. I'm not keepin—"

In an instant, you were spun around, facing Kylo, his hand holding your jaw tight. He looked angry.

"It will be mine and _yours_ now. Don't you understand?" Kylo's eye twitched a little, staring wildly at you, "Don't you understand what I want for us? If I have you, then I _fully_ have you," he shook your face again, needing you to comprehend him, "What's mine is yours,"

You looked at him with big eyes, wrapping your mind around the fact that he wanted to share _everything_ with you because if you were his, then you were 'fully' his.

"You're going to live with me and I'm going to take care of you and your family. I'm going to try and be good for you, like you're good for me. We are going to build a life together, little angel. Me and you, do you understand? What's mine is yours,"

Kylo's face suddenly softened, and he looked like he did earlier. Shy, sweet, coy. He asked, "That's what you want, isn't it?"

You nodded quickly, smiling again, "Yes. I want that,"

You and Kylo were going to do this...life.

No money holding you hostage in his apartment, no business deal about your virginity...just you and Kylo.

Normal.

Before you could continue the conversation any longer, you heard the front door open on the other side of the house and Nicky calling your name.

"We can pretend we're asleep if you want," you giggled, kind of not wanting to hang out with your family right now.

Kylo shook his head, "No, love. Let's put clothes on," he started to get out of bed, continuing, "It's still Nicky's birthday. I'm sure he wants to spend time with you before we go home,"

"Okay,"

So, for the rest of the night, you and Kylo hung out with your mom and Nicky, playing a board game. Kylo didn't look miserable, though, like maybe you thought he might. He was happy to be there. Happy to be with you, maybe.

As you sat around the little table in your small, childhood kitchen, playing the board game, Kylo twisted your ring as he held your hand in your lap. You were excited for whatever was to come...with whatever you'd build with Kylo. You hoped it'd last a long time.

Forever, maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters left.
> 
> alyssa <3


	29. you got it?

The first night you spent in Kylo's apartment when you got back to the city was awkward. Not for Kylo, just for you. You were insanely aware of the fact that it'd be your first night as a person who actually _lived_ there.

You were no longer a guest.

It got easier as the days turned into weeks.

Over the next month, you'd gotten into a few fights about the money stuff. You told Kylo you would give him the $700,000 back, like a normal person would, but he refused. You finally settled on using that money specifically for whatever medical expenses would come up for Nicky in the future, and whatever Nicky would need as far as his treatment and accommodations went.

 _That_ was something you could agree on.

When it came to your place that you rented with Kelstra, you were still hesitant. While you'd lived with Kylo for a month already, the idea of doing it permanently was scary. You just wanted a safety net, almost. Your place with Kelstra was just that. If you were to get in a fight, Kylo could probably kick your ass out if he wanted.

You just felt like you needed a space for you, just in case.

You and Kylo decided that you'd keep your place with Kelstra, some of your things still there, but live with Kylo. Kelstra was not happy at all when you told her this. In fact, she chewed Kylo out over the phone, telling him that he was still your kidnapper.

She felt a lot better about the whole situation when Kylo paid her rent for three months as a way to say 'sorry' in the only way he knew how.

Other than those little bumps, normal life with Kylo had been going okay...well, _more_ than okay. He was so much more 'lovey' with you now that you both were free to express how you felt. You could tell it was still difficult for him, just because he was Kylo, but other than that, you felt _so_ much love.

Kylo could be a bit extreme at times in general, and you realized he was even more incredibly intense, protective, and stubborn when it came to _you_. Now that you were really his, all the way, Kylo acted like it. You thought he was jealous and a little overbearing before...but now he was like before times a billion.

All because he really loved you and wanted everyone to know.

He wanted _you_ to know.

Kylo's intensity made your days nice, though. Because you two were bums and didn't have jobs, you spent another whole month together, all day, every day. You were _glued_. When you read together, you'd always be touching in some way, whether you'd lay your head on Kylo's lap or play with the other's fingers in one hand with a book in the other, you were always touching.

You were also always kissing. Maybe it _wasn't_ good that you were with him all day, because you were pretty sure you were becoming dependent on feeling his lips on yours. Not only that, but Kylo couldn't stop trying to take your clothes off every chance he got. He wanted to kiss you everywhere, be inside of you all the time, and you wanted it, too.

For now, you were in your own little world again with Kylo.

Two months down and _hopefully_ forever left of this life with him.

"Kylo!" you yelled from the living room, "Come here! Come look!"

You were standing at the big windows, looking out. It was April now, and the city was a lot warmer, getting ready for summer soon. Today was a nice day. It was sunny and green was popping up everywhere. You wanted to show Kylo what a nice day it was.

But he couldn't really hear you because of all of the people in the apartment, packing up you and Kylo's things.

"Kylo!!"

He finally emerged from the library, his expression a little annoyed. His hair was looking longer than normal, flowing a bit, as he walked your way, eyebrows raised, "Yes? Something important?"

You took his hand and made him stand behind you to look out of the windows, "I'm always important," you smiled, kicking his ankle behind you, "But I wanted you to look outside and see what a nice day it is. I know you're stressed,"

"Of course I'm stressed. There are thirty people in our apartment and they're all talking and moving around," Kylo huffed, "And you want me to look outside?"

"Stop being so grumpy. Put your chin on my head and pretend like there aren't a billion people in the house," you demanded, taking his hands and putting them around your waist.

Instead of putting his chin on your head, he put it on your shoulder.

"It _is_ a nice day, little angel," Kylo finally agreed after looking outside a moment, "But I should get back to telling them where to p—"

He tried to leave but you wouldn't let him.

"Kylo, you're going to stay here for two more minutes with me until I have to leave," you squeezed his hands.

You had a job interview with a museum in the Bronx.

Kylo groaned, "Fine. Can we go outside, then?"

"Good idea,"

You were now out on the balcony with Kylo, him behind you again, head on your shoulder, feeling the sun and listening to the city.

"They'll be gone soon," you tried to reassure Kylo about the packing people, "When I get back, do you want to read together? Or watch TV? I don't want you to be stressed,"

"We can read,"

You could tell he was still feeling uptight.

You turned around and wrapped your arms up and around Kylo's neck, "Just think, in two days we'll be all moved. Plus, there are people literally doing it for us. I know it's annoying to deal with them and boss them around, but isn't that what you're good at? Being bossy?"

Kylo smiled, just a little, "I do like to boss people around. Speaking of, can I boss you around tonight?"

"No, you have to get up early tomorrow," you reminded him.

Kylo had started a class for getting his flying license. He just wanted to do it for fun...something to have in his back pocket. You knew he also wanted to try it so he could feel closer to his dad, but he'd never tell you that outright.

You took Kylo's wrist in your hand and looked at his watch, mumbling, "Fuck, I gotta get out of here,"

"You're so smart, sweet girl. Smartest person I know," Kylo kissed your forehead, "You'll be great,"

"Thanks," you smiled.

He opened the balcony door for you to step back inside, "You're taking the subway?"

"Mhm,"

"Be safe. Don't bring home germs," Kylo frowned.

You teased him as you walked back into the apartment, "I'm going to germ up my hands just for you,"

"Get out of here," Kylo gave you a playful push and walked you across the apartment, to the door.

You stood on your toes and gave him a quick kiss, "Love you,"

Kylo took your hand and kissed your ring, "Bye, baby,"

\--

The interview was fine. It was perfect, actually, and you were pretty sure you nailed it. You rode the subway home all giddy and gave polite smiles to everyone you saw, which was totally not the New York way.

You were just feeling so nice.

When you got home, you tossed your purse God knows where and went right to the kitchen, smelling whatever Kylo was cooking. When you rounded the corner, you saw Kylo checking inside of the oven, a little towel over his shoulder as if he were some kind of chef.

He didn't hear you come in, so you got to admire him for a moment. Kylo's hair was a little messy from his busy day and pieces were resting on his forehead as he inspected whatever was baking.

Kylo put on an oven mit and carefully took out the dish, putting it on the stove.

Then, he noticed you.

"Jesus fucking Christ," Kylo jumped, looking at you like you were insane. Then, he got soft, taking off the mit, and stretching his hands toward you, "Come here, sweet girl. Tell me how it went,"

You didn't know if he wanted you to hug him or just come close, so you hugged him instead, shoving your head on his chest and wrapping your arms around his torso. This was home.

"Hi. It was good. It was so good," you smiled, eyes closed, "I think I could get it, maybe. I dunno, we'll see,"

"I hope you do," Kylo said, softly playing with your hair.

You peeked up at him, "What did you make us?"

"Oh, just the same enchilada thing we made together before. I'm still...learning," he told you, a little shy.

Because Kylo was spending so much time at home, he was cooking for you more. He really wasn't so bad, but it was cute because he got all shy every time he made something for you. Kylo pretended like it was 'no big deal' or that it was totally casual, even though you knew he was always proud of himself for making something.

"Yum. I'm gonna change real quick and then we can eat," you stood on your toes and kissed his neck lightly.

Dinner was nice and you made sure to make Kylo uncomfortable by telling him how tasty it was. He didn't like compliments and it made his cheeks blush with every one you gave him.

While the two of you were comfortable with each other, and pretty much had been from the beginning, you loved moments where one of you was awkward, a little demure, like kids. It was mostly you, but sometimes it was Kylo, like right now.

After dinner, Kylo went into his library to read. Most of his books were packed up, but he had a few out to keep him company for the next day or two before you moved.

While he started to read, you got ready for bed, wearing your little blue butterfly pajama shorts with one of Kylo's t-shirts, and decided to go into the library to hang out.

"Hi," you waved, walked to his chair. The shelves were empty and it was so sad. You didn't want to say goodbye to this library.

Kylo rolled his chair away from his desk a little, patting his lap, but kept his eyes on his book, "Come here, little love,"

Happily, you sat on his lap, but then frowned as Kylo didn't turn his attention your way. He loved your butterfly shorts and usually he'd whisper in your ear about how he was going to take them off of you or something filthy, but he wasn't doing that right now.

"I'm bored," you moved to straddle him in his big chair, wanting to claim his notice.

Kylo glanced at you for only a moment before returning to his book, "Read something,"

You moved one of your knees to between his legs, now just straddling one of his thighs. You started to kiss Kylo's cheek softly, then kissed down to his neck, "But I don't want to read right now. I think I'd rather do something else,"

You started to suck on Kylo's neck, and in response, you heard him breathe deeply and he put a soft hand on your ass, holding it. His other hand was still holding up the fucking book, though.

"What else would you rather do?" he asked, his voice low and little throaty.

Kissing up to his ear now, you nibbled a little on his lobe, and said softly, "Ride your thigh while you read your book,"

"Oh really?" Kylo started to push on your hip, moving it forward on his joggers, "Go ahead, then,"

It was fucked up, but he looked so sexy ignoring you, eyes focused on his book, pretending like he didn't care what you were doing.

You started to grind on Kylo's thigh, head buried in his neck, as he helped push you forward on him.

Once it started to feel so good that you couldn't help but make little noises that vibrated on his skin, Kylo put down his book.

"No," you picked your head back up and kept rolling your hips on his pants, "Y-You have to keep reading," you breathed, "I'm the one who gets to come. You get to read, remember?"

"Mm, you want me to read, then?"

Kylo's hand that was on your ass was now holding the book behind your head, and he started to pull down his joggers, just barely, so he could free his cock. It was hard and thick, veins showing and all.

"Oh my God," you whined into his neck, knowing what that he was going to touch himself. You pressed your cunt harder on his thigh, needing more friction, and continued to grind on him, "Oh my fucking God,"

Between squeezing your eyes shut from how good you felt, you peeked down to see Kylo take his cock in his hand and spread his precum over his tip.

You didn't know what got into you as you stopped riding his thigh and leaned down to spit on his dick, only to immediately start grinding on him again, your head back at his neck.

"My good, good girl," Kylo whispered, grunting softly at the end of his sentence, probably starting to stroke himself.

You looked down.

He was.

You started to rub yourself on him faster, wanting release from how much was building inside of you. You loved to watch Kylo touch himself, and it didn't happen often since you'd been with him, so you were really savoring this.

And getting the fuck off from it.

"I bet your pretty panties are so wet, aren't they?" Kylo said through his teeth, dropping the book on the floor, needing to touch you. His hand was back at your ass, squeezing and kneading it while he pumped his cock in his other hand.

" _Fuck_ , Kylo," you moaned, pressing down on his thigh even harder, "I-I can't—"

The rubbing, the visuals of Kylo touching himself, the feeling of his hand on you, the way he spoke, it was all too much. You came hard, whimpering into Kylo's neck and feeling warm all over.

As you came, Kylo was breathing faster, little grunts escaping his lips. He stroked himself at a quicker speed, hearing you come, listening to your whines, the way you said his name as you sobbed.

You kissed back up to his earlobe and started to suck it again, "Do you want me to help? I want you in my mouth, Kylo. Do you want th—"

Before you could finish, Kylo practically shoved you off of him.

On your knees now, Kylo stood in front of you, one hand on his cock, the other in your hair.

"In your mouth, love," he nodded, his eyelids heavy. Kylo exhaled deeply while he watched your lips part, then as you took him in your mouth. You knew how hungry he was to come, how turned on he was, so you didn't waste any time getting right to it.

Plus, you wanted to get better at this, so you tried to practice when the occasion would come up as much as possible.

You took him as far as you could until he nearly hit your throat, and went from there.

"Is this okay? My hand on your head?" Kylo asked.

You liked getting direction, so a hand on your head, helping you, was more than welcome for your inexperienced ass.

"Mhm," you hummed around his dick.

Kylo groaned at the vibration and held your hair tighter in his fist, moving your head to meet his cock. The tip of your nose could almost touch Kylo's pelvis now as he made you take him deeper. You choked a little, which was embarrassing, but Kylo didn't care. He just asked if you were okay. As soon as gave another, 'mhm' and kept going, his eyes looked like they rolled into the back of his head a little.

Pretty soon, Kylo mumbled that he was going to come. You kept your same pace around his cock until cum shot into your mouth, his dick twitching around your lips until he was empty. You'd only done this a few times since you'd been with Kylo, each time always different from the last. It was always hard to keep it in your mouth, and often times it dribbled down your chin and the corners of your lips like it was doing now.

Kylo fixed his pants quickly, pulling up his joggers, then kneeled in front of you as you swallowed all that was still in your mouth. He took off his shirt and wiped your face with it, always taking such good care of you.

"My sweet girl," Kylo whispered, giving you a much needed, long kiss, "It's time for bed, hm?"

You nodded, eyes tired, "Did I make you stay up too late? Will you be too tired for your class tomorrow?" you asked as Kylo helped you stand up.

"No, love. I'll be okay," he walked with you to the bedroom, "Let's go to bed,"

\--

Two days later, you were in the car with Kylo, traveling to the new place you were going to share with him. Everything was already moved, and the big things like furniture and clothes were in place, so you knew when you got there that decorations and little things would come next, like putting away bathroom and kitchen items.

"Are you excited, little angel?" Kylo asked, his big hand squeezing your thigh.

You put your hand on his and squeezed back, "Mhm,"

Kylo pulled into a parking garage and parked in his new spot. You jumped out of the car and grabbed your plant from your place with Kelstra that you brought, then walked up to the doors in the garage.

Kylo gave you a key fob, "Yours," then, he put his own on the side of the door, and it unlocked.

You lived such a fancy life now, having key fobs and shit.

"I'm so EXCITED!" you squealed, stepping into the elevator and hugging your plant. You'd never been here before, you'd just seen pictures online. Kylo was the one who wanted to get it all sorted out with the moving people, going from your old place to here, back and forth. He wanted it to be mostly together before you'd see it.

Kylo played with your hair as the elevator went up, "A new place for us to start, little angel,"

When you were finally on the right floor, Kylo handed you another key, then stepped out of the elevator, "I'll show you that later. It's for the elevator and the door,"

A small hallway was in front of you and there was only one door. Kylo walked to the it as you slowly trailed behind, realizing that the apartment was the _whole_ floor. He unlocked the door and opened it for you, letting you go in first.

"No fucking way," you smiled, looking around. The windows were floor to ceiling, just like at Kylo's place, and all of the walls were white.

Not black.

White.

The ceilings were still high, which was nice, but this place felt cozier. It was a little smaller and it wasn't totally open concept. There was a little wall separating the kitchen from the living room, which you loved.

Because you had the whole floor, that meant you had a 360-degree view of the city around you, each room getting its own part of the city to look at. You were so ready to dance with Kylo in front of this new skyline angle that was outside of the living room windows.

You set your plant down in the sun and walked around as Kylo watched you.

"Oh my, the painting!" you put your hands on your cheeks, grinning. The big, blue painting was up on an empty wall in the living room, totally on display, "It's so pretty there, Kylo!"

"Mhm," he smiled, still watching your every reaction.

You walked by a door going outside and saw that there was a patio. It was a hell of a lot bigger than a balcony and you were excited to sit out with a book, wearing a swimsuit, taking in the sun during the summer or something.

"There's a pool on another floor," Kylo said apologetically, "I know you said you wanted an extra room and a pool, but the pool is shared. One day I'll buy you a big house with both, little love,"

"Stop. This is perfect," you told him, taking his hand and exploring more, "I don't _need_ anything,"

You just needed him. Everything else was a bonus to you.

When you got to the bedroom, you were happily surprised with black walls again. Kylo couldn't give it up just yet, and that was okay. He already sacrificed so much.

"I like the black," you smiled, "It looks good,"

"Does our bed look good, too?" Kylo asked, being flirty, slapping your ass a little.

You shooed his hand away, but loved when he got all playful like this, "It does look good. It looks nice and big and good for _sleeping_ ," you winked.

"Sure, sleeping,"

A little down the hall, there was an extra room, just like you wanted. His parent's things were in their boxes in the closet. It made you frown a little, but before you had time to say anything, Kylo turned your attention away.

"One more room, love," he told you, leaning on the door frame of the guest room, "Come here,"

"Oh, another guest room? We don't really h—"

Kylo shook his head, taking your hand, "Not a guest room,"

He led you back around the house, past the kitchen, to another door. As soon as he opened it, you wanted to scream. There was Kylo's big desk from his old library, sitting in the room, and behind it was a wall of windows, covered by a blackout curtain.

On the other walls, though, were shelves and shelves of books.

You didn't know there was a library here...or that Kylo had _made_ someone put a library here.

This one was a lot bigger than the last, unlike everything else in the house. There was more space to lay on the floor, to walk around in, and more space for books, some of the shelves up top empty.

Kylo noticed you looking up at them and said quietly, "For your books...to combine with mine,"

Oh Jesus, you were really doing this.

You were really _with_ Kylo.

You couldn't look at him. You figured your heart would explode. Instead, you looked over at a fancy, dark green, lounge sofa in the corner.

"I thought it would be better than reading on the floor," Kylo said softly, starting to play with the ends of your hair, twisting them between his fingers, "I think it's big enough for us to both lay in, too, so we can read together in it if we want,"

You were going to lose it.

"Jesus fucking Christ," you whispered, wiping tears off of your cheeks that had accidentally fallen, "You motherfucker,"

Kylo moved in front of you, concerned, "Oh, no. Don't cry. Please don't cry. Do you not like it?" he held your face, "I can change whatever you want, love. Tell me w—"

You laughed and cried more, hitting his chest playfully, "No, Kylo! You're a motherfucker because it's perfect and it's making me cry because I'm happy,"

"Oh,"

Suddenly, your phone started to ring. It was a number that you didn't recognize, but it was New York, so you sniffled and tried to get rid of the evidence that you'd been crying

"Sorry, Kylo. Give me a sec," you swiped across your phone, answering the call. As you said, 'hello?' Kylo left the room to give you privacy.

The next few minutes were a messy blur of 'thank you so much' and 'I'm so excited' and trying not to say 'holy fucking shit'.

You got the job at the museum.

It wasn't glamourous or anything. You'd be working under the director and help gather artifacts, pieces, _whatever_ for their exhibits, along with a few other staff members. The pay was okay, and the commute would be a bitch, but it was just what you wanted.

Just what you needed to add to your fresh start.

You had to stay composed over the phone, but it was hard not to kick something excitedly or scream at the top of your lungs. As soon as you were off, though, you ran to find Kylo. He was getting a glass of water in the kitchen when you ran in and raised your eyebrows, a big smile on your face.

"What?" he asked suspiciously, "Who was that?"

"Kylo, I'm going to say this once, then I'll never say it again, okay?"

He frowned, "Oh God, what?"

"Starting next Wednesday, you'll have to have dinner ready when I get home like a good little housewife," you smirked, standing on your toes and kissing him.

Kylo rolled his eyes, but smiled, "You got it?"

"I got it,"

He picked you up and spun you a little, feeling fun, and kissed your cheek, "I'm so proud of you, baby. My little working girl,"

"Mhm," you giggled, "Do I make more than you now?"

You knew that wasn't true. Kylo had investments and he was constantly making money off of _something_ , even without an office job. It was still fun to tease him, though.

He took your face in his hands and leaned down a little, pressing his forehead on yours. Kylo smiled at your little joke, but quickly got serious and kissed the tip of your nose, only to return his forehead to yours again.

"I'm very proud of you,"

You were holding onto his forearms and gave him sparkly eyes. Kylo was proud of you.

"Really?" you gushed.

"Really, love,"

Later that night, you were putting away some things before bed. The boxes in the guestroom closet occupied your mind, so as you were standing on your toes, placing spices in a cabinet, you brought up Kylo's parent's things.

"Hey, I was thinking...instead of having your mom and dad's things tucked away, would you want to put some of it out? Maybe the baseball? Have it in the library or something? Or your mom's picture? It'd look nice under the TV on the little stand with all the other frames,"

Kylo finished putting away the silverware and shut the drawer. He stepped toward you and nudged you out of the way so he'd put the spices away now. You weren't tall enough to reach what he could.

"Did—Did you hear me?" you asked Kylo, wondering why he was ignoring you so suddenly. You thought it was an okay thing to ask.

"I heard you," he replied casually, "I don't know about all of that yet,"

You leaned on the counter next to him and softly put your hand on his back, rubbing up and down, "Okay. I thought I'd ask. That's okay," you kissed his bicep and felt bad for maybe putting him in a mood.

You decided to find something else to do, so you went in the living room and started to put things away in there. You just wanted to give Kylo space if he needed it. He was slowly talking and being more open about his parents, trying to forgive them for whatever he felt they did, but it was still hard and that was something you understood.

After a few minutes, Kylo walked to where you were and took your hand, "I want to put some things out...of theirs. Will you help me?"

"Yes, I'll help you," you smiled.

Going through his parent's things this time around felt different. He wasn't just looking through it all. Kylo was looking for something to put out. Something he'd have to see every day. Something of theirs.

He was slowly healing.

"I really think the baseball would be nice in the library. It could hang out on a shelf with the books," you suggested, holding it up.

Kylo nodded, "Okay,"

After a while, you and Kylo had a few items to put out: the baseball, a photo of his mom, the book about planes and jets that was his dad's, and an old map of his mom's that you were going to hang (very carefully) in the kitchen.

You put his mom's picture next to the photos of your family in the living room and a picture you printed of you and Kylo in Austin, when you made him take a selfie with you.

Kylo put away his dad's baseball and kept his dad's book on his library desk. He said he'd hang up the map with you tomorrow.

Kylo was getting tired. It'd been a long day, physically and emotionally for him, you figured. He stayed up a while longer, though, watching TV with you and holding you close.

This was what your life looked like now.

This was it.

And you were completely fine with that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one chapter left.


	30. happy endings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the last chapter. if you're reading this in real time, this is my third update in 30 hours, so make sure you've read the others :)

** Eleven Months Later. **

You'd always read books with happy endings. They were way better than the realistic, shitty ones.

It was a good way to escape from real life, but in a way, you were hoping you'd get a happy ending in life, too. You wanted a happy ending with a job, with a relationship, with friends. You wanted every day to have a happy ending when you went to bed each night.

But happy endings weren't real.

Life was hard. Keeping up with people was hard. Communicating with romantic partners was hard. It was just all so hard. For _normal_ people, really good days were hard to come by. For _normal_ people, when things get rough, they decide to quit. For _normal_ people, happy endings weren't real.

It was really nice that you weren't normal.

You walked around the museum you worked in, looking at all of the pieces in one of the exhibits that you were in charge of setting up. You had to make sure the lighting was right, the spacing was good, the pieces made sense together, and you had to make sure all of the little cards detailing the artifacts and works were perfect.

It was a Monday around five o'clock, and while there were people walking about, your section was blocked off while it was getting ready to be showcased in two days. The faint sounds of whispers by visitors were in the air and your flats on the wooden floors made little tapping sounds as you walked about, checking every detail.

You stepped back a little, wanting a wider view of the work you'd done.

It looked perfect.

Suddenly, you heard footsteps coming closer to the area and the sound of the plastic wall that separated this section from the main museum was crinkling like someone was trying to come in.

"This exhibit is closed! Come back in a few days!" you called out, not breaking your gaze from the works. People tried to come in all the time and a stern voice usually led them away.

Then, you felt hands around your waist and a familiar head on your shoulder. Kylo nuzzled himself in your neck and started to playfully kiss you, "You sounded so _mean_ , little angel. Is this how you always are at work?"

"Oh, hi," you held his head behind you and giggled, "No, I just hate when people try to go places that they know they shouldn't,"

"Mm, my hot head. So feisty," he whispered, then stood up straight.

You turned around and held Kylo's hands, playing with his fingers, "Coming to rescue me?"

"Mhm," Kylo looked behind you, at the exhibit. He let go of your hands and walked toward all of the pieces, "This looks good, love,"

You got shy and stayed put as he walked around, looking at everything, "Oh, really? Thanks. I was a little nervous about the spacing but if it looks good to you, then I feel a lot better,"

Kylo had his hands behind his back, and as he looked at each piece, he squinted, brought his face close, inspecting it, and sometimes bent down to get a better look. He was observing each thing, even if he probably didn't care about what the exhibit was about.

You knew he wanted to look at each thing because you picked it.

Because you were interested in it.

Because it was yours.

When Kylo was done, he walked back over to you and kissed your head, "My girl is so talented,"

"Oh, stop. I just moved things around," you grabbed his hand, "Let's go,"

As you stepped out of the exhibit and pushed through the plastic wall, Kylo squeezed your hand, "You didn't just move things around. I know you've been working hard on that,"

It was nice when he complimented you.

"Yeah, yeah...I know. Thank you," you gave him a quick kiss as you walked to your office to grab your things, heading home for the day.

Kylo didn't usually pick you up, but today was a special day and he wanted to spend as much time with you as he could, not wasting a second waiting for you to get home by subway.

Also, Kylo worked from home now, so he was pretty flexible.

He was a consultant for random businesses, helping them with their finances, business strategies, you name it. He basically bossed around companies that were in trouble and needed him, telling them what they can do better. Kylo was able to be assertive, in charge, and help people in a way he was comfortable with, all while doing it from home and with better hours. Plus, it didn't stress him out like his old job did, which was really nice for him.

If he _was_ stressed, though, Kylo went out flying for a few hours during the weekends. He took you with him a few times, but it freaked you out too much to be in a little plane like his, so you let him have that as 'his thing' and didn't go often. Plus, you figured it was nice for him to get that alone time to connect with his dad, maybe.

On the long-ish car ride home, Kylo's big hand held onto your thigh, and squeezed it at stoplights, his way of telling you that he wanted to kiss you before the light changed.

As he drove, you tucked his hair behind his ear and trailed your hand down to his blue sweater, touching it, "I like this one so much, Kylo. It's so soft,"

"I know you do,"

You held his hand on your thigh, and smirked, "You got all dressed up for me?"

"Yes, my love," he replied, his eyes on the road, "I did, actually,"

"But we're staying in tonight? Like we agreed? I don't want to go out," you gave him a look, hoping he agreed to his promise.

Kylo glanced over at you before returning his eyes to the car in front of him, "We're staying in. I just wanted to wear the sweater you liked so much...considering the occasion,"

You grinned and felt giddy. It was such a special day.

"I think it's one of my favorite days of the year. I love this day and I love February fourteenth—well, I love all of the days in February now. It's my favorite month," you rambled. February was the month you got to spend with Kylo, when so much changed.

"Mine, too, love. But this day is much nicer, isn't it?" Kylo gave your thigh another squeeze.

You leaned over and met Kylo halfway, giving him a long kiss as you were stopped at a red light. You mumbled, "Much nicer, yes,"

As you got closer to home, Kylo stopped at a pizza place that the two of you liked a whole lot. You got a big pizza to share, then went inside of the little store next to it, grabbing sodas and candies.

You were celebrating the occasion the best way you knew how: Sour Patch Kids and Swedish Fish.

Back at the apartment, Kylo put the pizza, drinks, and candies down on the coffee table in the living room while you changed out of your work clothes and into Kylo's favorite clothes of yours. You slipped on one of his shirts and grabbed one of the old, flowy skirts you used to wear with him.

"Whaddya think?" you asked, stepping back into the main area of the apartment. You did a little spin, because you were just feeling so extra and so in love, then stood in front of Kylo as he sat on the couch.

Kylo eyed your skirt and moved you to stand with one of your legs between his. He felt up and down the back of your thighs, looking up at you, "Just like how I remember," he started to softly kiss the top of your thigh, traveling up into your skirt.

You shoved his head playfully, "Kylo! Later. I'm hungry,"

He slapped your ass, feeling fun, "Fine," then, pulled you down so you were sitting on his lap, "I'll save that for after my surprise for you,"

You gave him a look. A dirty, mean look.

" _Kylo_ ," you said harshly, "We said we weren't doing gifts. You promised me and now I'm going to look bad because I kept my end of the deal and didn't get anything for you!"

You got off of his lap and crossed your arms as he looked at you, amused. Kylo made you uncross your arms and took your hands, "Not a gift like you think,"

"Whatever," you rolled your eyes and moved your hands again, this time, going for the pizza, "I'm hungry. Let's eat,"

You were a little pissed at him for breaking the agreement, but your bad mood quickly wore off as you and Kylo talked about the past year. Today was March 6th, and two very important occasions were on your calendar for today.

One of the occasions was Nicky's birthday. You already FaceTimed him this morning with Kylo, telling him hi and wishing him a happy birthday. You'd be there to celebrate with Nicky this weekend, and unfortunately, this year would look similar to the last, minus the broken arm.

It was taking Nicky longer in physical therapy and rehab to walk again. They tried some new treatment with electric shocks, but for some people, it just didn't work as well. He was still slowly getting there, though. Instead of months, it'd be years now, which sucked, but Nicky was feeling better about it. He got comfortable using his chair, and while he still had really bad days, he also had more good days than he used to.

Kylo made him actually pursue that community basketball league for people who use wheelchairs, and Nicky really liked it. He even had a game you were going to watch this weekend.

So, some things were still the same with Nicky, and others were different, like the fact that he was seventeen now and growing up before you could stop him.

The _other_ occasion for today's date was when you and Kylo officially started being 'serious'. It was the same day a year ago that he made you face your childhood bedroom wall while he told you that he wanted you...that he loved you and wanted to build something with you.

It was one of your favorite days of the year.

Since then, you'd never really called yourself 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend'. Those terms felt silly. You were a lot more than that to each other. If Kylo introduced you to someone, you were either just your name, or your name and 'my love' attached to it.

Corny, maybe, but he liked that better than 'my girlfriend' or 'my partner'. He wanted everyone to know you were 'his love'.

To Nicky, your friends, and your mom, though, Kylo was just your boyfriend. They'd probably be so weirded out if you called him anything besides that, even though he was technically your love, too.

"Remember Texas? Sitting in the park? That was such a nice day," you sighed, remembering good shit from the past year and two months with him as you sat on the couch eating pizza, cuddling up to Kylo, not giving a fuck if you were being messy, eating on paper towels.

"Everything, love," Kylo swallowed his bite, "I remember everything with you,"

You peeked up and him, then kissed a little bit of sauce off of his lips, "Mm, everything?"

"Yes," he said, very seriously, "Everything,"

You smiled and snuggled back into him, eating the rest of your slice. Kylo had an arm around you, and you stayed like that for a while, eating, drinking pop, opening your candies. It was a good night.

"So is this like...our anniversary? We never really put a name for this day," you thought out loud, eating some of your Sour Patch Kids, "Like, I guess today was when it was serious, but we were technically like, ' _together_ together' before,"

Kylo thought for a moment, then bit his lip. You noticed a tiny shade of pink form at the top of his cheeks. He was getting shy and nervous.

"What?" you cocked an eyebrow at him, then stole one of his Swedish Fish to eat, "Why are you getting all blushy?"

"Nothing," he blinked and the shy Kylo that you loved seeing so much was gone, "Pick whatever date you like best, love. It doesn't matter anyway,"

You furrowed your brow, "Um, really? What do you mean it doesn't matter? Does _this_ —" you pointed to you and him, "Not matter, too? Choose your words carefully. You're being strange,"

Kylo took your candy and put it on the table along with his, then started to tickle you like a goddamn maniac, "And _you're_ being a hot head,"

He laid you down on the couch, climbing on top of you, jabbing at your sides. Kylo tickled you a lot now, and he always said that it was just so he could hear you laugh. You wanted to punch him in his cute face when he got all soft, telling you he loved your laugh, your smile, other nice little compliments he seemed to give you so much.

You were laughing, but it was more like yelping, as Kylo kissed you all over your face.

"Oh my GOD! You're crazy!" you giggled, trying to get his face in your hands to get him to stop. You finally got him to chill, and your laughing died down.

He just kissed your lips now as you instinctively wrapped your arms around his neck and your legs around his hips.

Kylo had one hand holding onto your thigh, keeping your leg up, and his fingertips were digging into your skin, "Such a nice life,"

"Mhm,"

He mumbled, kissing you harder, "Do you know what would make it better?"

"Hm?"

"A little baby,"

You broke the kiss and blinked at him. It didn't stop him though, Kylo just kept kissing you, traveling down to your neck.

"Woah? Kylo, I'm not a baby machine and you know how I feel about this conversation," you tilted your head so he could reach more of your neck, "A-And where is this coming from?"

"I've been thinking about a lot lately," Kylo gripped your thigh harder, "I just want one,"

"I think you just want something that looks like you," you scoffed, but kept your eyes closed, loving the feeling of him grabbing your flesh and sucking on your neck.

"Maybe," Kylo lifted his head and smirked, then went to kiss your chest, covered by his shirt, "They'd be so cute, wouldn't they, though?"

You spoke to him as he trailed kisses down to your stomach, still kissing over the fabric, "Kylo, I think you just like to _make_ them, not actually _have_ them,"

"Can't you picture them, love? So small and tiny," Kylo whispered, ignoring you. He lifted your shirt just barely, only to kiss the skin on your lower stomach.

Kylo was so soft...so lovely...and so insane. Yes, you wanted children, but not right at this moment in time.

"Such little hands...little smiles," he added, speaking softly between kisses.

You tried to drag him back up to you by his shoulders, but he was too heavy. Kylo just crawled up on his own, hovering back over you.

"I'm not at that point yet," you told him, kissing him again.

"Hm, what can I say to make you get to that point?"

You smiled against his lips, "Get a time machine and fast forward like five years,"

Kylo's hand went up your skirt and he felt your cunt over your panties, breathing, "I can't wait five years,"

You wanted to act like this wasn't hot, a big man you loved wanting your babies, touching you, but it was. You reacted to his hand, leaning your hips into his touch, "What is up with you?" you whispered, trying to sound like you didn't want him to take you to the nearest doctor and takeout the birth control in your arm.

Kylo took his hand out of your skirt, making you frown, then nudged his nose on yours, "I just love you and a family sounds nice,"

"I like us... _now_...alone,"

"Mm, just us is nice," Kylo sat up and brought you up, too.

You nodded and scooted close to him, "It is,"

"Five years, then?"

You rolled your eyes and smiled, "Mhm,"

"Four?"

" _Maybe_ four," you rested a hand on his thigh.

Kylo put his hand over yours, "Mm, I like four,"

"I'm sure you do,"

His leg started to bounce and you saw him swallow thick, a new mood washing over him suddenly, "What else do you want our life to be like in four years?"

"I don't know," you giggled nervously, "Happy?"

"Do you want a house? In Texas? A dog? What do you want, love?" he held your other hand now, too, "I want to give you whatever you want in life,"

"I don't want a house in Texas, silly. I want to stay here," you started to get a little uneasy because Kylo was. You quickly took your hand away from his and put it on his leg, getting it to stop its bouncing.

"Sorry," he apologized, then continued, "A dog? Do you want a dog?"

"I could have a dog, sure," you shrugged.

"What else do you want?"

You frowned, "I just want _you._ Kylo, wh—"

"How do you want me?" Kylo asked, his leg bouncing again.

You put a hand over his knee again, stopping him, then went back to holding his hands, "Um, like we are now. Happy, in love or whatever...together,"

"You want me for a while?"

"Forever, maybe," you smirked.

"Mm,"

You were very confused now at Kylo's strange behavior. You gave him a nervous look, "What?"

Kylo took your hand, holding it up. He kissed the blue and gold ring on your middle finger, "I like this ring, love,"

"Me too,"

"I think you could use another,"

"Oh, you've already given me a shit ton of jewelry, Kylo," you giggled, "And I like this one so much. I don't think I need another favorite,"

Kylo loved to buy you things, even though you insisted you didn't need any of the rings, necklaces, and earrings he bought you. He just loved to get things for you, mostly to watch you put them on and tell him how nice they were.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Uh, yeah?"

Kylo stood, "But I already got it for you, love,"

"Stop. I told you no more jewelry!" you stood, too, putting your hands on your hips, "Kylo, we agreed on n—"

"I think you'll like this one,"

"You always say that—and I do love everything you get me—but I don't _need_ any, Kylo," you groaned.  
  
He took your hands, "Can I show it to you?"

You gave him a look and sighed deeply. He already got it for you. There was nothing you could do. For as annoyed as you were, you said, "Sure,"

Kylo walked you out of the living room, "It's outside,"

"On the patio?"

"Mhm,"

You followed him, hand in his, wondering, "Well, why is it out there?"

"Let's just go see,"

Kylo's fingers shook a little as he opened the glass door to go outside, letting you go out first. You skipped over to the ledge of the patio and rested your elbows on it, looking at the view.

"It's such a nice night," Kylo stepped behind you and leaned down, putting his head on your shoulder, looking out with you.

"It's kinda chilly, but the sky is nice and clear," you noted, leaning back into him a little.

"And the water is pretty, isn't it?"

"Mhm," you nodded, "I love the little waves and the lights on them,"

Kylo knew how much you loved the water and lights, always asking how they looked each night to you. You figured if he could control weather and water, he'd make clear, still nights for you every night just to watch you gush at the dumb flickering waves.

"Me too," he kissed your cheek.

You turned around and crossed your arms, done with the mush for now, "So, where's this new piece of jewelry that you could just not fucking resist getting for me?"

You were still a little mad that he broke his promise about getting you a gift, but from the way he was looking at you now, so soft...so sweet...you just couldn't stay mad for long.

"I want you to dance with me first," Kylo took your hand and walked you away from the railing, toward the center of the patio area.

"I have to earn it, do I?" you teased him, getting into your little dancing position that you knew so well now.

Kylo nudged his nose on yours, "You earned it a long time ago, sweet girl,"

"Oh,"

"Sometimes—" he started, his eyes looking a little sad, "I'm not so sure that I've earned giving it to you, though,"

You cocked your head, confused, "What do you mean?"  
  


Kylo gave you a soft smile and started to move, swaying with you, "Dance with me, love,"

The night was looking like it'd end nicely. You couldn't count how many times you danced with him on this patio, so you didn't remember them all, but you figured tonight would be your favorite. It was just such a nice occasion, he was being a little weird, but sweet, and you were so in love that it was gross.

You danced quietly for a while, just moving with each other like you always did. The city wasn't too loud tonight, which was nice. Sometimes you just liked to hear a few honks, the water, and the shuffling of feet while you were out here with him. The quiet was a nice change from the busy life you grew familiar to.

Kylo leaned down to kiss you, "Happy whatever, sweet girl,"

Was it your anniversary? Just a nice day to remember? It was whatever.

"Happy whatever, Kylo," you wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him down, closer to you, "I love you so much. Can you imagine if you never harassed me in that BestBuy? Oh my God, I don't even want to know what would have happened if you didn't buy me,"

He gave you another little peck, then started to dance again, "We'd be living very different lives right now,"

"I know. I can't imagine not being here with you. It makes me sad to think about the what if stuff,"

As Kylo spoke, you felt the vibrations of his deep voice on your ear as you rested it against his sweater, "You like life with me, hm?"

"Yes. So much. I love life with you," you smiled, looking up at him again.

Kylo spun you as you danced, which he never really did, "What else do you love?"

"I love the library," you told him, feeling your skirt rise and fall back down after being spun.

"What else?"

You giggled, "I love to dance with you at night. What else do _you_ love?"

"Hearing you laugh. I get to hear that forever, love," Kylo told you, "Do you know how happy that makes me?"

"Oh, stop. It's not even a cute laugh," you giggled more. You couldn't help it.

Kylo dipped his head down a little and you craned your neck up, meeting him halfway. He nudged his nose on yours, "And you know what else I love so much?"

"Hmm," you pretended to think, "What's that?"

He brought your hand over to his mouth, kissing your ring. Kylo always did that whenever he could.

"I love you,"

He didn't say that a lot, but when he did, you knew that he was feeling _really_ lovey dovey. You soaked it up every time he said it.

"I love you too, Kylo,"

Kylo just...stared at you for a second. His expression was a little blank, but you saw him bite his lip nervously for a split second.

"I'd like to show you what I got for you now," he said quietly.

"Ugh, fine,"

Kylo brought your hands over your eyes to cover them and you giggled a little, "Are you going to murder me up here? I think that's really what you're doing," you kept teasing him as you waited for him to tell you to look, talking and rambling like you always did, "If you kill me, I'd haunt you. I'm just l—"

"Keep your eyes closed," Kylo said softly, taking one of your hands away from your eyes. He kissed your hand and spoke again, incredibly nervous, "I know I don't tell you enough, but I love you so much,"

You really wanted to open your eyes, but you kept them closed, "You tell me just enough, and I love you too,"

"You've changed a lot of things for me in the past year or so," he added, "And I think I've changed a lot of things for you, too. Good things,"

You nodded, agreeing with him, "You've made me a lot better as a person,"

Kylo kept going, softly kissing your hand, "We just fit, don't we, love?"

"We do,"

"You know how we lie to all those poor people? Tell them we were married? Engaged? Kids and all?" he asked.

You and Kylo still did that shit just for fun when you were out and about. It was just too fun.

You nodded, "Playing pretend is fun. I like to do that with you,"

You noticed that Kylo was only kissing one of your fingers now. A very important finger.

"I don't think I'd like to play pretend anymore," Kylo shakily started to put something on that very, very important finger, "If you'll have me—"

You opened your eyes when you felt something cold slide onto your ring finger.

Kylo continued, "If you'll have me, I'd like to take what we have a little further. I want to wake up with you every day and kiss this pretty ring now, if that's okay,"

You weren't even looking at the ring. You were just looking at Kylo.

"Y-You want to like—you want to get _married_??" your eyes were big, staring at him. This wasn't what you were expecting at all today. You weren't sure that you'd ever expect this from him _at all_.

Kylo softly nodded, "Yes. I'd like to get married,"

"To me??" you were starting to cry, feeling so surprised and so loved.

He smiled a little, "Yes, to you. We've already been acting like it for so long,"

"B-But I annoy you and I talk too much and you don't like my music and we fight sometimes. You want this on paper? With the government?" you laughed as you cried, tears falling down your cheeks like a little baby.

Kylo still held your left hand, but with his other, he held your cheek, wiping some of your tears, "I don't have to like your music and I don't have to always love to hear you talk for hours, like you do sometimes. People fight, and I know we fight, but what do we do after we fight?"

"We make up,"

He nodded, "We make up, love. Every time,"

You sniffled and kissed his palm that held your face, "So, like...forever forever? Are you sure?"

"Yes. Forever forever," Kylo replied, looking at you so softly, like he was in love with you or something.

You still didn't bother looking at the ring when you forced yourself on him, hugging him. He was one crazy motherfucker to want to marry you, and you figured you were one crazy motherfucker to want this back.

"...do you want to?" Kylo asked, "You haven't given me an answer, little angel,"

You could tell he was seriously wondering.

You pulled out of the hug, "Yes, I want to. Do _you_ really want to? Are you sure? You'll be stuck with me, you know. I'm not giving you up and if it gets hard, I don't care. I wanna stick with you. Do you wanna stick with me?"

"Jesus Christ, I'm the one who asked _you_ ," Kylo told you, brows furrowed, "So, yes?"

You finally looked at the ring. It was perfect and just what you'd imagined your ring would look like.

Kylo knew you so well.

"Ahh!" you squeaked and jumped up, wrapping your arms around his neck and making Kylo hold you up, "Yes, yes, yes,"

You started to kiss each other like crazy as Kylo walked you back into the apartment and to the bedroom, "I was so nervous, baby," Kylo said, putting you on the big, black bed, "Did I do okay? Telling you how I feel? I know I'm not very good at that,"

"Oh my God," you pulled at his shirt and made him lay on top of you, kissing him more, "It was perfect. You're perfect. You could have asked me at a Denny's and I'd be cool with that,"

Kylo laughed a little, which was music to your ears. He started to pull down your skirt and you helped him, wanting to feel as close to him as possible.

"I want you to come inside of me tonight," you told Kylo, undoing his pants, "And I want you to make sure it stays inside of me,"

He sighed against your mouth, hearing you say that.

You started to take off your shirt, tossing it to the floor, "F-For practice when we want a baby,"

Kylo groaned on your lips now and pulled your panties off of you faster than you'd seen him do before. He sat on his heels, between your legs, and stared down at your body. The only thing on you was the ring.

"Oh, my baby," his head fell your chest and he started to kiss you, suck you, inhale you, "I think it's such a good idea to practice,"

So, that's exactly what you did for the next hour. You shamelessly fucked, letting Kylo come inside of you like he always did, but this time, plugging you up, letting him have his fun with this new baby fever he had.

After having really good sex, you spent the rest of the night like you usually did with Kylo. You ate the rest of the pizza and went into the library to read a little together, half of your clothes on and probably backwards.

As you read in the library, Kylo laid with you on the fancy couch. He started to play with your ring, which resulted in a lot more touching. Your book ended up on the floor as you grabbed at each other again, not really able to control yourselves. You straddled Kylo on the little couch, panties on the floor with your book, and had sex again.

It was just such a good night.

Later, as you laid in bed with Kylo, you thought about the past year and two months.

 _Really_ thought about it.

So much had happened to you.

 _Kylo_ happened to you.

And while happy endings were really only in books, you knew you were getting one in real life. There was a man that you loved so much cuddled up behind you, a ring on your finger, and a fucking crazy story that only you two got to giggle about.

Life would be hard sometimes, sure. Kylo was Kylo and you were you. Fighting was expected. Days wouldn't always be great.

But you knew that forever would.

"Go the fuck to bed," Kylo whispered into your hair, "Stop moving,"

You smiled and rolled your eyes. You always wiggled around when you were stuck in your thoughts at night, and Kylo knew when you couldn't sleep.

"Sorry," you cuddled back into his chest, "Goodnight. Love you,"

Kylo leaned over you a little and turned your head so he could nudge your nose with his. He then laid back down on his pillow and held you tight.

You wondered what nickname he'd call you, wishing you goodnight. You had so many. You were hot head, baby, love, sweet girl...but your favorite was little angel.

Kylo turned that 'pure' name you were given by Hux into something to tease you with at first, then grew it into something he loved calling you when he got flirty, soft, lovey, you name it. It was just your favorite.

"Goodnight," Kylo kissed the back of your head and mumbled, "I love you, little angel,"

You loved being his little angel.

And you were getting to be Kylo's little angel for a long, long time.

THE END.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi.
> 
> thank you all so much for reading my story. it started out as a weird daydream...lol...back in november and I really just wanted to write it out. this story is my favorite thing ever, and while there are so many things I could have/wished I did differently, I am so glad that it turned into this.
> 
> I wanted to end it when she left. I was at a point where I thought I wanted a shitty ending. one that felt real.
> 
> but I don't think they deserved that.
> 
> so here we are, church bells ringing lmao.
> 
> I didn't realize how many people would read this in the three-ish months I've been writing this (it's really not much but it feels like a fuck ton to me if it's more than three people), and I'm so glad that you all are here. I consider you all my friends and I have loved to see all of your comments.
> 
> from 'well. going to go cry now.' to 'goddammit kylo (eyeroll emoji)' and 'THIS IS THE CUTEST GOD DAMN THING I HAVE EVER READ'
> 
> I have loved reading each one and you have no idea how much those mean to me, especially the long, mushy ones about the fic. I just melt with every single comment.
> 
> I don't really know what else to say, other than thank you for the comments and kudos. I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I loved writing it while I dodged writing papers for grad school. I'm in school for counseling and am currently seeing clients as a therapist and now I must devote some time to that for a while as I navigate balancing writing with dealing with people's emotions hahaha (I'm dying on the inside).
> 
> But I'd like to keep writing soon. I love writing long fics about my favorite man.
> 
> I'm not sure how many people are actually reading/going to read this, so, if you get to this point, please say hi. like I said, you are all my friends and I really, really, really hoped you enjoyed the story or that it meant something to you. I'll be rereading it soon so I can relive the fun.
> 
> maybe I'll see you around, but until then, I hope you all stay happy, healthy, and continue to read all of the wonderful stories on this godforsaken site ;)
> 
> I'll be here for a while...forever, maybe.
> 
> Alyssa.
> 
> @_daddykylo_ on twitter if you want to keep up/like seeing shameless retweets thirsting over adam driver.


End file.
